Columns
Annoying Office Habits & 'Ruined' By A Relationship
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
DEAR CAT: My office has an open floor plan, with four cubicles positioned so that when weâre working, our backs are to each other. I get along well with my cubicle mates but two of them have a habit of pulling out nail clippers and trimming their nails as they sit at their desks! The office is relatively quiet and I can hear every snip, snip, snip. Yuck! Am I being prudish? If not, can I tell them to please take care of personal grooming in the restroom or at home? Perhaps I should offer them nail polish next time? If it matters, I’m a woman, and they are men. Would your answer be different if I were a man and they were women? â CLIPPED NERVES
DEAR CLIPPED: The sound of clippers (and associated images of nail shards strewn on the floor) really is irritating. It ties with cracking knuckles but falls just short of dripping water. Yes, absolutely say something, just do it in a joking tone and hopefully theyâll get the hint. And no, it doesnât matter if the perps are male or female. Catâs Call: Habitually clipping your nails in an office is gross no matter what.
DEAR CAT: Three years ago, after beginning a long distance relationship, I moved here to be with a man I fell in love with. When I arrived he was cold and uncommunicative and over the next two years I learned he had multiple extracurricular relationships before I arrived (some physical, some merely email). He had said weâd be exclusive and I kept up my end of the bargain but he has not. He has never done anything special for me, not even a holiday card, just a text message. Iâve had some bad luck: car accidents, falling out with my family, a job loss (I’m still unemployed) and we agreed to stop our relationship so I can concentrate on getting back on my feet. The problem is that I canât stop being angry with him and blaming him for this. I have no friends here, no support system, and I canât move because I am financially ruined. I think of his big house, secure job, loving children and his wealth. I feel like I have been lied to and used. I need to move forward and any advice would be great. â NEAR RUIN
DEAR NEAR: I feel terrible for you, I really do. He definitely sounds like a lying scumbucket. But this isnât all on him and thereâs a lot missing from your story. Was it a real long distance relationship with frequent visits and concrete future plans or primarily an internet relationship? Did he ask you to move and help you relocate? Were there red flags beforehand that you chose to ignore? Iâm not blaming you, these are important questions and Step #1 is to answer them honestly. You uprooted your entire life for a man you didnât know. Now you have to rebuild your life and that takes time and hard work. Try to use your anger (rather than stew in it) to plan strategically for your futureâ¦Catâs Call: The future starts now, and it should not include him.
You pegged this for what it was: an online relationship. My call: you went too soft on this woman. An entire newspaper isn’t enough room to give all the advice she needs.
— John, USA 03/30/2009 Reply
A former manager of mine used to come into our open office area and cut his nails in front of my coworkers and I and it completely grossed us out. We never wanted to say anything in case there’d be retribution.
— B, Pittsburgh 03/31/2009 Reply
You should be glad that your co-workers clip their nails in their cubicles. A while ago, I was in the food court of an airport and a woman was clipping her TOE NAILS right by us diners!!! Someone made a comment to her and her defense was, “I have a two hour layover. I have to do something!” My only comment was, “There’s plenty of room in the bathroom to do that. Grow up and have some manners!”
— M, Va. Beach 03/31/2009 Reply
I could have predicted the bad ending here before I finished reading her sad/sob story. I must be hard of heart because I don’t believe her story at all. Cat I think you sensed it too and I understand why you went easy on her but if this was a court case she would not be considered a “credible witness.” She had a “falling out” with her family??? I don’t buy it. They probably told her she was crazy for moving for an online boyfriend and she stopped talking to them. He does sound like an a**hole but she sounds unwise in the ways of the world.
— LittleTom Ohio 03/31/2009 Reply
My call: I feel bad for the woman in question. If he told her that he wanted to be exclusive then she could realistically expect that. Too much is dismissed in the world of online relationships (assuming that’s what was going on here). I can relate to her anger but being jealous of his wealth won’t do her any good. We can assume that’s part of what attracted her to him in the first place.
— Barbara in Pittsburgh 03/31/2009 Reply
Dear Cat,
I just read the about the poor woman who uprooted her life to be with a JERK. Your advice was honest and direct. Nearly four years ago I met a man from an internet dating website. I liked what he had to say about himself in his profile. I thought, âHe sounds too good to be true.â He had a picture of himself postedâI carefully studied his features. My intuition told me to communicate with him. Once we began to keep contact, weâd talk on the phone for hours. Eventually, this led to visitsâIâm originally from Philadelphia, he is from Pittsburgh. Guess what? Now my adopted home is Pittsburgh. I have a great job, good new friends, and best of all, the man I met on the internet asked me to marry him. He is the best man there is (for me). I am truly blessed. So, for Near Ruin, hold your head up high. Apparently, the creep you uprooted your life for isnât worth the brain power you give him. In the long run, heâll have the misfortune of getting what he deserves.
— Grateful in Pittsburgh 03/31/2009 Reply
So I read your response and some reader responses. You didn’t know that it was not an online relationship; we were friends for years before I moved and took him at his word. He also set up informational interviews for me here before I moved so he was involved. One woman assumed I moved because of his money… no…I have a professional degree and had a job after moving as a professional but lost it due to the economy. It was never his money, I had my own. One reader couldn’t believe my bad luck. Frankly, I couldn’t either. But sometimes people just go through rougher patches for longer periods of time than others which was my case. And no, the family thing had nothing to do with my romance…funny what folks assume. As for your advice, it was good – weeks ago I decided to get on with life; I have too much potential to continue to be small and bitter. I have started to turn things around and, with the exception of the “no job” situation, I am markedly better off. (The job will come soon, I am convinced). I am glad you answered this letter because it forewarns people to perform “due diligence” before moving for romance. And although I checked out the job, the economy, and thought I knew the man, I could not have prepared for everything. I also think it was sage advice to put blame squarely on both parties; I should have honestly moved ahead before years had passed, but it is hard to admit that I made a mistake in trusting this man. I appreciate your time and all the forthright comments of the readers.
— definitely doing well. :) 03/31/2009 Reply
It’s refreshing to read this week’s question writer sent you a “thank you” because it’s so typical for people to ask for advice and not give all the details. That’s what the homeowner guy did last week, then he writes in all the details he didn’t include the first time around. MY call: don’t write to any advice column unless you’re going to be up-front. I think “Near Ruin” is smart and hoped for the best, too bad it didn’t work out. Use it as a learning experience and good luck finding a job.
— TadJ. - San Diego 03/31/2009 Reply
Great column on nail clipping which drives me up the wall. Nail filing also gets me since the dust gets in the air. Several of my peeves are the person who uses mouthwash and spits it in the restroom sink, brushes their teeth in the office restrooms or spits in the water fountains before and after drinking. Or the spitting of snuff juice into the garbage can or cup beside their desks. Or the persistant gum cracker too! But that’s a whole different subject!
— John R. 04/01/2009 Reply