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Guy Can't Score 'Boyfriend' Status & Living With A Dirty Girl
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
DEAR CAT: I am in a tricky (but probably not uncommon) situation. I’ve been dating an amazing girl for about 4 months and everything is great in general, but she refuses to call me her boyfriend. She moved out here for a one-year school program and there is a good chance she could leave in the fall. Combine that with the fact that she just got out of a two-year relationship before we met, and it makes things very difficult. We recently decided that we would be exclusive, at least not fool around with anybody else. But she still seems to think that calling me her ‘boyfriend’ would cause her stress and be a burden. I think having a âboyfriendâ seems like an extra responsibility and I guess she’s so busy that she would rather avoid it for now. I am in love with her but havenât told her yet, deciding instead to play it cool and hope things keep progressing. It really does bother me, though, and I feel like I’m going to need that title from her sooner rather than later. âFAUX BEAU?
DEAR FAUX: The title of âboyfriendâ is big, for sure, but you want the actual role and the exclusivity youâve agreed uponâ¦well, it doesnât really count. Monogamy is certainly an important step but true intimacy goes far beyond hooking up, and in your current arrangement both of you can still date other people. Okay, she was in a two-year relationship and thatâs a hard thing to get over, but donât qualify her needs indefinitely and put yours on the back burner. If you need things to progress, tell her so, before you become too insecure. Catâs Call: If the situation were reversed, and a man refused to call a woman his âgirlfriend,â what would you think?
HEY CAT: I have a weird question! I share an apartment with a friend and my bedroom abuts our shared bathroom. I can hear pretty much everything through our thin walls, such as when the water is running or not. She never washes her hands after using the bathroom. EVER. I am a complete neat freak and her lack of hygiene is just mind-blowing! Iâve bought fancy scented soaps, new hand towels, and even went so far as to ask her what she thought of the new purchases but nothing has changed. She is constantly sick and I bet that is one of the reasons why. Please help! I can not stop thinking about the germs she is spreading all over our apartment. What can I do? —GERM POLICE
DEAR GERM: Iâm with you, that is completely gross. I applaud your efforts to give her a clue but some people are too lazy to practice good hygiene. No doubt her unwashed hands have made her sick and those hands touch more than her own mouth, they touch doorknobs, dishes, appliances, remote controls, you name it. You should talk to her ASAP. Sheâll probably accuse you of listening in on her bathroom time but so be it. If she wants to be a germ factory in her own room, thatâs her business. Cootie-ing up a shared bathroomâ¦Catâs Call: That makes it your business, too.
Hat’s off to you Cat. In the question about the guy who wants to be called “boyfriend” your ‘call’ at the end summed it up. If that was the only line in your answer it would have been enough, that’s how right on it is.
— Tam2, Pittsburgh 04/07/2009 Reply
I keep waiting for someone to disagree and say “don’t say anything to the roommate.” That would be funny, defending dirtiness.
— cantstopthemusic 04/07/2009 Reply
Yo Faux Beau. Your girl is still into her ex. Get the hint. Move on.
— PITT GUY 04/07/2009 Reply
I’m a Type-A neat freak and a germ-phobe.
Before I met my now-husband, I lived with lots of roomates — nearly a dozen. Why so many? Because when I was young and foolish, I believed I had the right to tell my roommates how to live their lives. I ruined a lot of great friendships by telling my former roommates that they had to live their lives by my standards, simply because we lived under the same roof.
Is not washing your hands gross? Yes. Unsanitary? Yes. But, you’re not her mother.
When you live with another person, there’s a lot of risks involved. She may bring home a dangerous person. She might forget to lock the door. You have to ask yourself, is this a deal breaker? If so, move out. If not, drop it and learn to accept it. Don’t let her make you lunch, though.
— APS412, Pittsburgh 04/07/2009 Reply
RE: Faux beau:
He should reduce her burden and move on.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 04/07/2009 Reply
Good point APS412. I get Cat’s point and yours, I fall somewhere in between. No you don’t have the right to tell other people how to live but you DO have a right to voice concerns about things if you share an apartment with someone. In this scenario they share a bathroom so that makes it okay to speak up. I don’t think I’d do it, but I think it’s okay if she does.
— BenD. (Chicago) 04/07/2009 Reply
I soooo agree with Tam2. The ‘call’ says it all. If the situation was opposite and this was a guy doing it…well…we’ve all been there and know what it means.
— BenitAmos 04/07/2009 Reply
Just to play devil’s advocate in regards to the roommate:
Is it possible that she is washing her hands someplace other than the bathroom? I sometimes end up washing my hands at the kitchen sink because our bathroom is kind of crapped and I sort of like having some space around me when I wash my hands (I get that it’s silly, but at least I’m washing my hands)
As far as the fancy soaps are concerned…. Do you know if she has any allergies? There are some fancy soaps that I won’t use EVER. If my choice is the fancy soap or not washing my hands, I will often opt to not wash my hands since the germs that I keep are less annoying to me than the migraine headache that I might get or the itchy hands that last for hours. Granted I still run water over my hands and rub them together briskly which will get rid of some of the nasties
— Kathy 04/13/2009 Reply