Columns
Going From Sexual To Casual & When A Gift Becomes A Loan
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
DEAR CAT: I recently got out of a long term relationship. Itâs taken a while for me to get my swagger back, feel like myself and be happy again. I recently started dating a girl but I’m not ready for a serious relationship. I get the feeling she wants a relationship by what she says, her mood, and how she always wants to hang out. Also, it doesn’t help that the relationship has progressed sexually. How do I tone things down a bit without hurting her feelings? I don’t want to be the “typical guy” here, but I’m not ready for anything serious yet. I’m just getting back into the dating scene and starting to enjoy being comfortable with myself. Any advice???? — ME, MYSELF AND I
DEAR ME: Youâre not acting like a typical guy, youâre acting like a typical post-relationship wuss. Youâre using the cliché âI need âmeâ timeâ excuse when you really just want sex and fun dates without any strings. Thatâs no crime, but itâs unfair if youâre not honest about your intentions (or lack thereof) from the get-go. The only way to âtone things downâ is to talk to her right away and be 100% honest. You canât prevent hurt feelings at this point, so expect things to end. In the future, follow this good rule of thumb: if you donât treat a woman like a girlfriend, she wonât want you as her boyfriend. If you are a gentleman every step of the wayâ¦Catâs Call: You will never be âtypical.â
DEAR CAT: My wife and I have been married for nearly eight years. Not long ago my father-in-law offered to pay for a new roof on our home. We had planned to refinance the house in order to come up with the money, so this was a very welcome surprise! Or so we thought. The roof was completed a month ago and recently my F.I.L. called my wife to ask for a meeting with us to discuss options for us to pay back the money. As it turns out, he never informed my mother-in-law of the âgiftâ and she must have become reluctant upon seeing the bill. Please keep in mind that he was well aware that we would not have the money to pay him back but he insisted that he wanted to âtake care of it.â What should we do? — LOST IN COMMUNICATION
DEAR LOST: It is really, really, really bad form to give someone a gift and then ask the person to pay for it. Regardless, in this scenario you have to set âthe meetingâ and work out the terms – itâs just too important to preserve good relations with your in-laws. I expect youâll get a hefty apology from him, and most likely extremely reasonable terms for repayment. He might not even expect you to pony up the entire cost (since he intended to give the roof to you). I know youâre cash-strapped and understandably angry, but being open to repayment is a sign of good faith. And in the endâ¦Catâs Call: Thereâs something to be said for having a new roof over your head.
Cat, they were planning to do the roof by refinincing the mortgage. So redo the mortgage and repay the father-in-law up front. In the end, there is no big loss and lessons learned all around.
— I.P. Jerusalem 04/28/2009 Reply
Post-relationship wuss? Love it.
— Dan, Pittsburgh 04/28/2009 Reply
You can be honest and women don’t always believe you. I’ve told women, “I don’t want a relationship” and they say, “me either” then after dating a while they act shocked when you’re still going out with other women. What are you supposed to do in those cases? I’m going to email this question as a follow up to the column today.
— Pittsburgh reader 04/28/2009 Reply
“Me time” might be a cliche excuse (never heard it phrased that way though LOL) but it’s a real thing and more people should do it. If you go from a serious relationship to a casual one you’re bound to sleep with the person. Women still can’t accept that sex doesn’t mean love. My call: I agree with “Pittsburgh reader” that you can be 100% honest and that’s when women act like they don’t want a relationship either, but they really do.
— me time is good 04/28/2009 Reply
The father in law put the couple in a terrible spot. They have to agree to pay back the money and it is VERY unfair what he did. Family members often do this sort of thing as a means of ‘control’ and these ploys are never forgotten.
— DonP.-- Sacramento 04/28/2009 Reply
LOVE your response to the “typical” guy. Most excellent.
To Pittsburgh Reader and me time is good – you really aren’t honest if you don’t tell her that you’re seeing other people. You can say you don’t want a relationship, great. She may even say it back, and mean it. But it really is a different thing when you realize there’s another someone out there that he “doesn’t a relationship with”. Honesty means keeping everything in the open.
— A Cat fan, Pittsburgh 04/28/2009 Reply
I feel some sympathy for the FIL in the 2nd letter. It sounds like he just made a bonehead move and is no doubt embarrased by it. I’d love to hear how this turns out. Also, I feel as though this should be an issue addressed between the FIL and MIL. Wouldn’t it make more sense for the FIL to make restitution one way or another w/ the MIL, without involving the couple in question?
Also, yes, FIL should have consulted MIL…but the horse is out of the barn at this point. If anything, the FIL should have written to you. Hopefully FIL can appease MIL w/ a small concession from the newly-roofed couple
— RM 04/28/2009 Reply
Since they’ve been married for eight years, they must have learned something about life and homeownership and what it involves. I’m not sure what destitute position I would have to be in to allow my parents or even my in-laws to buy a roof for MY house. If you can’t afford to take care of it, don’t buy it, that’s why rental properties exist. The roof just didn’t go bad overnight so at some point, if you live in a house long enough, the roof is going to need replaced. Plan for it. Pay back the money for the roof. While the FIL was very nice to offer, it is the homeowners’ responsibility, not the FIL.
— Chris, Pittsburgh 04/28/2009 Reply
“You can’t prevent hurt feelings at this point, so expect things to end.” Really? Given the dearth of info in this email that’s quite a Catty call, Cat. My call…you are typical, Cat.
— Jacque 04/28/2009 Reply
Regarding ME, MYSELF AND I, I agree with most of your analysis but to think that anyone can have a “casual, sexual relationship” without concequences is naive at best. No matter how much explaining one person does to the other on what is to be expected and not expected, sooner or later someone is going to develop feelings for the other and then the cycle of denial and self deception ending in heartache and shattered dreams begins.
If ME, MYSELF and I doesn’t want a relationship then he shouldn’t be sexually involved with someone. It doesn’t get any easier than that. But does he have the courage and self control, self respect, to go down that road? Only he can determine that.
— Bud 04/28/2009 Reply
The commenter Jacque took the easy road by calling Cat “typical” when he’s the one who didn’t offer anything useful. As a single guy who has had a few serious relationships and knows how to politely avoid getting into them, I can say Cat is right. The guy in question has gotten himself into a relationship (casual or not) and now he wants out with the typical “guy” excuse. This gives the rest of us a bad name. If you’re seeing a girl often and sleeping with her, you ARE a typical guy if you suddenly say, “I don’t want a relationship.” You’re basically using her but she doesn’t know it. In that case “wuss” is a compliment.
— Brian in New York 04/28/2009 Reply
I enjoy the advice to the parents of the married couple and the man out of a serious relationship. A gift is to be received freely- without the person feeling like they must pay back the cost. The man having the sexual relationship should respect the woman he dates and not have her as a replacement.
— Stephan- Pittsburgh visitor 04/29/2009 Reply