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How Much Is Too Much For An Old Friend's Wedding? And...What To Do While You're Waiting For Love
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
DEAR CAT: With wedding season approaching very quickly, what is a respectable amount of money to give as a gift to a good friend from high school who I haven’t remained in contact with for the past 10 years. I’m not able to attend her out-of town wedding, but I still want to give her a wedding present. Another high school friend said $100, but I disagree. I think $50 is reasonable considering I’ve only seen her about five times in ten years! Please let me know your thoughts. —HOW MUCH CASH?
DEAR HOW: I agree, $50 is perfectly reasonable. But this is a wedding, not a graduation from high school, so itâs not the classiest thing to send straight money. This woman is a friend, yes one whom youâve barely seen for a decade but still someone important from your earlier life. If youâre set on giving a purely monetary gift, give a gift certificate to a nice store (one where $50 may not cover the cost of a piece of merchandise, but it will help). Catâs Call: You never need to break the bank to show someone you care.
DEAR CAT: I have been seeing this girl for a few months and recently I asked her to make our relationship more serious. She was surprised I felt that way and said sheâs not ready yet to date after her last break up. She wants someone who will stick by her through good and bad and not end up hurting her again. Outside of a few minor issues, my natural sarcasm being a factor on occasion, I thought we were getting along great and Iâve been doing what I can to show her Iâll be there for her. I have been willing to work on my issues and try to help her if I can, but she has become more guarded. Now, after the talks, I am stuck in the limbo of giving her space, which means waiting to see if she wants to keep trying or hang me out to dry. Itâs really hard to sit and wait while my friends say, “hopefully she will realize what she’s losing.” Am I just wasting my time? I have never seen these situations work. â CONFUSED AND HANGING
DEAR CONFUSED: These situations can work but she might need more time than your patience will allow. In fact, it sounds like timing is the biggest issue â well, that and your mysterious âminor issues.â If she became more guarded after you expressed serious interest, thatâs a red flag. The fact that sheâs still dealing with a breakup, another red flag. Itâs great your friends have your back but heartbreak can blind you to new possibilities and sheâs probably unable to see the great guy in front of her. On the flip side, your allegedly minor issues might be major to her. Instead of twiddling your thumbs and waiting on her, use the time to work on your stuff. That way, if or when you two move forwardâ¦Catâs Call: Youâll both be ready for a fresh start.
I happen to not agree with your advice to HOW MUCH CASH? as far as giving a gift card. As a recent newlywed, I appreciated every cent of cash I received because we saved up the money and put it towards a downpayment for our house. If we would have received any gift cards, I would have been disappointed because it would have taken away from our savings. Not that I wouldn’t appreciate the thought, but I definately preferred cash, especially since I had a wedding shower and a registry that was mostly bought anyway. So we didn’t really need anymore stuff, we were covered.
— Jennie, Pittsburgh 05/19/2009 Reply
I think your advice was very good to “Confused and Hanging.” I don’t mean to criticize him but he thinks like every guy: that a woman automatically wants a serious relationship. He’s talking about his “issues” and how he’s going to “be there” for her but you have to WANT to be in a relationship with someone. Just because she wants someone to stand by her doesn’t imply she wants HIM to be that person.
— Kara D. NYC 05/19/2009 Reply
Jennie makes an excellent point about collecting up all the cash given before, during, and after a wedding but I think Cat also makes a good point too because it’s only a small amount of money this woman is talking about. If you’re giving someone $100 or more I think cash is good because that type of amount looks ‘big’ but less than that can look sorta cheap. Not cheap like you’re a cheapskate but cheap like it’s not very much. If you can give someone $50 to a store like Tiffany or Nordstrom they can put it toward anything over time. $50 isn’t going to make a dent in a down payment for a house is my point. But they are both valid viewpoints in my opinion.
— Tina in PGH 05/19/2009 Reply
Wow, I couldn’t disagree more about your response to HOW MUCH CASH? As a bride with an upcoming wedding this fall, I can honestly say I’d rather have the cash. That way my fiance and I aren’t tied to a particular store to chose a gift on our own. This is the reason we have a registry, so that people who want us to get a gift can get us a gift! Personally, we are looking forward to using the cash we get towards our honeymoon or as a down payment on our future home. I don’t think any gift is too small and I think the gift giver should give what they feel comfortable giving, not what another friend tells them to give. Instead of a gift card, why not choose a gift off of their registry and send it to their home?
— Lindsay, Pittsburgh PA 05/19/2009 Reply
My wife and I have found that often people do not register for enough of a price range. For example, if you can only spend $50 like the woman in question, the couple may only register for two or three gifts in that price range and you are stuck spending much more than you can or want to. It’s very unfair to guests who want to buy you something. Then you’re stuck giving cash (I agree $50 looks somewhat skimpy) or as Cat suggests giving a gift card which is a much better looking gift. I find it interesting that so far I appear to be the only man who has commented on this question. That’s another problem with weddings – it’s all about women! Why is that?
— B.J., Pittsburgh 05/19/2009 Reply
Hey B.J. I agree – weddings are ALL about women, it doesn’t make sense. We spend $$thousands$$ of dollars on ONE RING, make a lifetime commitment (just like women) and we’re cut out of the whole shebang. When my wife and I were planning our wedding I cared what we registered for, I didnt’ want my house filled with unsightly trinkets and crystal candlestick holders we’ll never use. We spent a lot of time registering together for things in every price point because not everyone can afford $100 and up for a gift. I WISH Cat had given her advice to the people who gave us $40 here and $75 there. We felt cheesy accepting cash! A store gift card is much more classy and appropriate.
— Thomboy, NY 05/19/2009 Reply
Martha Stewart slap my wrists for this but I don’t see why you have to give someone a gift if you’re not even friends with them anymore. I swear some people just invite you to their wedding hoping you’ll say “sorry I can’t make it” but you’ll still get them a gift. It is very manipulative.
— T.T., Denver 05/19/2009 Reply
RE: CONFUSED AND HANGING
He should send her a card and apologize for being so foward. She should know that he’s not going anywhere, if he’s really interested.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 05/19/2009 Reply
A gift card is an inappropriate gift if its not registered for. Registries ensure that the gifts are useful and fits the style of the B&G, and they are not duplicated. Why would someone want a gift card for a store that they may not like or one they just received hundreds of items from? If they did not register for small enough items for you to choose from, everyone can use a few extra bucks! Plus, thanking someone for helping you buy a new home or have a nice dinner on your honeymoon is much better than thanking them for new bed sheets…
— Andy, Pittsburgh 05/19/2009 Reply
A gift registry is a suggestion list, not an order form. I tend to agree with Miss Manners that registries are rude and greedy. A thoughtful gift is from the heart, and takes into account both the interests of the receiver and the giver. If you want to honor your earlier friendship with the bride with a small monitary gift, she should be gracious enough to accept it. If she has anything bad to say about $50, then she is the one being disrespectful, not you.
— Katie, Oakland 05/19/2009 Reply
OMG Katie thank you for posting your comment…I TOTALLY agree with the whole registry thing about greediness. I never knew Miss Manners says that! I agree with it being a handy way for guests to buy you presents but it puts so much pressure on guests too. My call is with Cat on this one, or the woman who wrote the question. If she wants to give fifty in cash, she should do it. I do think a gift certificate to a nice store is probably more appropriate for a wedding present from a friend but either way it’s thoughtful!
— L.A.T. in LA 05/19/2009 Reply
Re: How much is too much?
If you have NOT remained in contact with someone for over TEN years, the most appropriate wedding gift is $0. There is no reason to invite someone to your wedding who you haven’t spoken with in ten years. Except, possibly, that you want some cash. After ten years, you are not friends, you are not even acquaintances. Decline the invitation/RSVP regrets, and forget about it.
— Jen 05/19/2009 Reply
In this day and age, when both people are more than likely working, they should be paying for the wedding themselves, as well as for what they want to set up a new home together. Expecting parents, relatives and friends to foot the bill just seems greedy. I understand that we all want to celebrate a new couple starting a life together, but that’s what it should be, strictly a celebration, not “how much can we get”.
— Mary, Pittsburgh, PA 05/20/2009 Reply
On the wedding gift question – we received a graduation announcement for a distant relative that we had never met. We sent a card (no gift) and received a thank you for our generous gift! I don’t think it was sarcastic – I think the young graduate had no clue who had given gifts and who had not, and sent notes out to everyone. I am appalled at some of the responses from people here saying that they wanted cash so they could decide how to spend it. A gift is a gift, not a charitable donation, and a wedding is not a fund-raiser.
— nn New Jersey 05/20/2009 Reply
I think that brides inviting people they haven’t seen in years screams out “Help me pay for my wedding!” Brides, instead of expecting your guests to hand over cash to help you out, how about planning a wedding that you can actually afford without your guests’ help?
— Shelia in Pittsburgh 05/31/2009 Reply
We had our wedding and did not invite the distant relatives because we did not want it to seem like we were begging for gifts. We didn’t even have a shower for the same reason. My wife and I are both professionals, a lot of my family and guests would be coming from Pittsburgh to Tampa, and we didn’t need gifts purchased to add to their expense. Most guests got us something anyway, but we didn’t even include our registry info in our invites. It just seems tacky to tell people where to buy you something.
— Robb in Tampa 06/02/2009 Reply