Columns
Getting 'Friended' After Chemo & He Says, "I Love You," And She Says...
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
DEAR CAT: I enjoy your column and your candor with men especially. Last year at this time I was diagnosed with cancer and began months of chemotherapy. I am happy to say I beat it and am now cancer-free! My question to you is: Am I damaged goods, so to speak, when it comes to women and dating now? I am a single, straight, never-been-married, educated thirty something male. Iâm pretty average looking and in decent shape. I have a great family and wonderful friends. Why am I still single? I have always been a “friend” to girls, not a “boyfriend” and I don’t know why. Since Iâve had limited success in the past with women, it seems that being a cancer survivor is a strike against me. I appreciate your thoughts. —DAMAGED GOODS?
DEAR GOODS: Congratulations! Beating cancer is an incredible feat. Thatâs hardly a strike against you; itâs living proof of your strength, determination and overall health. Now on to your women woes⦠Everyone gets âfriendedâ now and again, but when itâs habitual, the finger can only be pointed at one culprit: your M.O. Iâm a big fan of people being honest about their intentions. If you want to date a woman, donât settle for friendship because it wonât be sincere (and will most likely end when she starts dating someone else). If you like a woman, let her know by asking her out. If she says no, move on. Making a habit of accepting âfriendshipâ when itâs not what you want is a waste of energy. Likewise, not asking for â and going for â what you do want is a waste of opportunity. You canât always know why someone doesnât like you back, butâ¦Catâs Call: Youâll never know anything if you donât go for it.
DEAR CAT: Here is the scenario: Iâve been seeing âJaneâ for four months and itâs the best relationship Iâve ever had in my life. One evening I finally told her that I love her and she was very happy, I thought she was about to cry. But she didnât say it back! She said she âhas deep feelings for meâ but she isnât ready to say I Love You yet. As you can imagine, thatâs not the result I was hoping for, but I think itâs prudent to wait a little longer rather than end this amazing relationship. Your call? — UNREQUITED LOVE?
DEAR U.L.: Saying âI love youâ is like having sex â it changes everything. So she didnât immediately return the sentiment, but timing is important; she might love you, too, and need more time to digest the consequences of saying it back. Your instinct to wait is smart and mature. If you stick around, she might feel safe enough to take that step (you donât want her to say the words out of feeling pressure to do so, right?). On the flip side, there is a chance her feelings donât match yours â yet or ever, itâs anyoneâs guess. If you start to feel like the relationship has progressed as much as it can, then reconsider moving on. But until thenâ¦Catâs Call: Enjoy being in love and the thrill of not knowing whatâs to come.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! …. Click HERE to send a question, or write to questions@catscall.com, or send snail mail to: Catâs call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222 ….
Hey Cat…about the single guy in today’s column…I’ll date him :)
— Jackie USA 06/09/2009 Reply
My call: No No No No No. If you tell a girl you love her and she doesn’t say it back, end the relationship, no ifs ands or buts. That’s the only way to make her come around. Or find someone who’s as ready as you when the “I love you’s” start rolling out.
— BTom Chicago 06/09/2009 Reply
I really like the call about the unreturned “I Love You” but I also think your advice might have been different if the situation were reversed, if SHE said it and he didn’t say it back. Would you tell a woman to stay with a guy who doesn’t say “I love you” back? I read you every single week for five years and thinking I have a sense of how you view things, I think your call would be the opposite in that scenario.
— Kate in Pittsburgh 06/09/2009 Reply
It’s been only four months. If the girl has been in every other way kind and loving and into the guy, what does it matter if she doesn’t say the magic words on cue? It’s definitely not worth ending what could be a great relationship. Is it better if she says it and doesn’t mean it?
And to the cancer survivor, ask girls out! the worst she could say is “no” and you wouldn’t want that one anyway.
— Kathleen, Oakland 06/09/2009 Reply
Would it be better if she said “I love you” but didn’t mean it? They’ve been in a relationship for only four months. Just because she doesn’t regurgitate the desired response on command doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about the guy or isn’t capable of loving him. Give her time, if things are going well and she isn’t acting distant or unavailable, there’s no reason to end a relationship with potential.
— Kathleen, Oakland 06/09/2009 Reply
I was stuck in the friend zone. Then I stopped having women as friends if they were not interested in dating me. I thought what is the use of having women friends if you can’t date them. Then I grew up of course. Try the dating sites. There are plenty of available women there. It is a little tough in the beginning trying to say something in an e-mail but just be your honest self.
— Jay 06/10/2009 Reply
I’m so happy for the gentleman who has beat cancer. I cannot even imagine going through what he has and really admire him for his strength. I want him to know he is not “damaged goods” at all. None of us know what lies ahead for us in terms of health or accidents, etc…..the right woman is out there for you. You sound like a sweetheart. I say go for Jackie :)
— Debbie. Mt. Lebanon 06/10/2009 Reply
i HATE not knowing what to expect because if i do not know what to expect then i do not know what i should do or how i should turn. for example, i am moving to north carolina and when i was there a month and 1/2 ago on vacation i visited my sister and applied for section 8 housing because i am disabled. i was afraid to start packing (or throwing things out) a month ago because i did not know if i was gonna get approved or not, or if i was gonna hear from them a month or a year from then.
— richard 07/03/2009 Reply