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Obeying The "Inner Etiquette Beast" & She Robs Her Aunt For A Haircut
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
DEAR CAT: I am invited to a bridal shower and wedding. The bride was my college roommate for two semesters. We werenât particularly close and we havenât really kept in touch since graduating in 2001. Besides keeping tabs on each other via Facebook, weâve only run into each other three times (not on purpose) in eight years. Iâm also getting married next year and she wasnât even on my âmaybeâ list of invitees. My inner etiquette beast tells me I need to send a bridal shower and wedding gift, even if I donât plan to attend either party. My co-worker tells me Iâm not obligated to send a present for either occasion. Whatâs your call? —“PRESENT“LY CHALLENGED
DEAR PRESENT-LY: I agree with your coworker. If you âgiftâ her for either occasion, it will look bad if you donât reciprocate her invitations (then she might attend!) and you donât want a barely-maybe at your nuptials. If you âgiftâ her without inviting her to your own wedding or shower, that looks bad – understandable and completely your call, but bad. If you simply decline the invites and any gifts, youâre in the clear. Stillâ¦Catâs Call: Send a nice, personal card (or at least shoot her a Tweet).
DEAR CAT: My niece owns an upscale hair salon where she is the only worker. She has sold me hair pieces (I have thinning hair) and cut and dyed my hair. I live on a fixed income but I pay her a high price and she does a great job. The problem: the price hasnât come down now that my hair requires less work. She has no fixed price for anything, it seems she charges whatever is needed to meet the monthâs bills (she owes a lot of money since she went back to school). Iâm the only person who has encouraged her school pursuit, and I bring meals to her shop whenever I go, sweep her floors and even baby sit clientsâ kids to make her life easier. I never expected free service but last time I brought 4 meals and swept, and she knew I was trying to save money but she still charged me $116. I donât want to hurt our relationship but I feel gouged. She says “if you went somewhere else, do you know how much you would pay?” But another salon quoted $65 for the same services. No other family members patronize her shop and I now know why. Before I broach the subject with my niece I wanted some outside advice. —USED AND HURT IN PGH
DEAR USED: Upscale?? Surely ye jest. Overcharging does not mean a business is âupscale.â I read your question many times and I almost cried with each reading. I am appalled that your niece would charge even a nickel to cut her loving auntâs hair. And you donât just love her, you sweep her store and cook for her and baby-sit strangersâ children! Donât broach the subject with her, just stop going. Yes, you love her, but she is spoiled, greedy and shortsighted. If your absence doesnât make her aware of her selfishnessâ¦Catâs Call: Dust bunnies, hair piles and a lack of free food just might.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I am not surprised the niece treats her aunt like that. I see this type of family behavior often and it is disheartening. I like your advice though I fear the aunt will be too emotional to take a strong stand as you suggested. Apparently she likes being the only person in the family to support her niece even though her instinct is telling her that she is being “gouged.”
— Kara. NYC 07/21/2009 Reply
I respectfully disagree with Cat’s Call on Presently Challenged’s dilemma about the bridal shower and wedding invitations. Accepting or declining either or both should not be predicated upon whether or not Present-ly plans to reciprocate. Her former roommate, who may be having a very large celebration, has every right to invite Present-ly, while Present-ly may be planning a smaller, more intimate wedding. One has nothing to do with the other. These two women have kept in touch since college via Facebook, which seems to indicate they have maintained a friendship. Present-ly can send a congratulatory note, and enclose it with a gift if she wants to, however modest that gift may be. (Seems to me that Present-ly is just a bit concerned about the $$$ involved…a legitimate concern.) But sending this doesn’t require that she put this woman on her own guest list. At least, that’s what I think I think.
— Sue in Pittsburgh 07/21/2009 Reply
I was taught when you get an invite you should send something at least. Maybe those days are gone but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t give a present to an old college roommate.
— D.E. in Ohio 07/21/2009 Reply
You are way off on your advice to used and hurt. Clearly you have never been a hair stylist!!! I LOVE my profession and I WOULD do it for free if I could afford to. Most hair stylists, like myself that “do a great job” work extraordinarily long days, (10-12 hrs a day) attend regular trainings ( that we pay for) on our scheduled days off and in my case have a family and business to support. As a salon owner, I absolutely will not do any service for free. I take care of my immediate family and that is all I will allow my stylists to do. I think it is unfair that people assume you can afford to take an hour ( in this case, probably longer) to do their hair because you are a) a relative b) best friend c)boyfriend’s mother and the list goes on. I never ask anyone in my family to do their job for me for free, why is it ok for them to ask me? Is my time at work, away from my family, not as valuable as theirs? And while I am sure her niece appreciates all that her aunt does, it isnt going to get the bills paid. Did she ever ask her niece if she brings food and helps in the salon, can she get a discount? I can’t go to my doctor appointment, deliver the nurses a pizza and expect to get a discount! You really need to be a salon owner to understand the amount of money it takes to run a salon!!! And for stylists that are not salon owners, the national average salary is still only in the $23,000 range and yet you think we should give away our services for free!! I don’t understand why her charging her aunt for her service (which btw, she is not overcharging for the services, and the hairpiece, especially, if it is a good one. You should do your research first.) constitutes her being “greedy, and spoiled”. The only thing that troubles me about her niece is that her aunt claims she charges something different every time. That is unethical in my opinion. If she is doing the same service then the price should be the same. Other than that, though I dearly love my family and I know they love me, if they don’t want to pay what I charge, they can go elsewhere.
— Kat, pittsburgh pa 07/22/2009 Reply
An invitation is an invitation not an invoice demanding a gift be sent. All the person has to do is RSVP in the time frame indicated, that is all they are obligated to do. Personally I would decline the invite, and possibly send a simple congratulatory card and that is it, no gift. As for the stylist…this is more delicate. The salon owner that writes in has very good points. I think the aunt should stop baby sitting, stop bringing in food and stop helping out because it seems to be a strain on the aunt and there is no benefit to her, and I don’t mean only monetary benefit but it does not seem to be an emotional one either. I also think the niece should have a set fee and it should be listed somewhere, and then the aunt can determine if it is in fact in her budget to continue to pay the list fee or find a new stylist.
— WES, out of stater 07/22/2009 Reply
This comment is to “Kat” not Cat: Get off your high horse about being a salon owner and/or stylist. Nobody’s asking the niece to work for free. If you choose a career that doesn’t pay well that’s your problem. Owning a business is very hard but the niece didn’t have to do that on top of educational financial burdens too. The aunt shouldn’t break her back giving free help (sweeping, cooking, babysitting) because the niece isn’t a charity case. It should be a give and take but the niece is only taking. I wouldn’t babysit strangers’ kids for the best free haircut in the world.
— Up Too Early (san francisco ca) 07/22/2009 Reply
I also think you missed the call on Presently Challenged’s dilemma about the shower invitation/gift. Would your answer have been different if Presently was not planning on getting married in the near future? I’ve always thought that when receiving an invitation to a shower/wedding/baptism/etc. it was proper etiquette to send a gift (however small it might be), even if you do not attend the function. Have times changed, or am I wrong about this? The fact that Presently is worried about not inviting her friend to her wedding should have no bearing on whether or not she sends a gift. Sending a gift does not put the burden on you to reciprocate the invitation later. It is simply a gesture of friendship.
DAG: You make very good points. I’m not sure if my answer would be different if PresentLy didn’t have an upcoming wedding, but I have to answer questions based upon the circumstances provided. In this case it would mean PresentLy would have to buy a gift for anyone in her Facebook list if they happen to send her an invitation. Though I agree it is generally proper form to send a gift when you receive a wedding invitation, when people are barely friends, never speak, and only occasionally bump into one another, it is not fair to expect gifts. Thanks for your comments. Cat
— DAG in Pittsburgh 07/22/2009 Reply
To those who believe that a gift must be sent in response to an invitation: may I please get your names and addresses? Seriously, no, you are quite wrong. Etiquette requires a timely reponse but NEVER, EVER “requires” a gift. Invitations are intented as genuine requests for the invitee to help celebrate a special occasion, not to solicit a gift. This applies to any type of invitation: birthday party, anniversary party, graduation party, wedding, birth announcement, ect. Only a current crassness has people using invitations as begging tools. I suspect the bride is of this mindset and is simply sending invitations to all those she hopes will reward her begging. These two people are not friends in any sense of the word, simply acquaintances who keep in-touch online. A polite “no” to the invitations is the polite thing to do; a lovely congratulatory card is the kind and generous thing.
— Isembard, Pittsburgh 07/22/2009 Reply
To “up too early” Cat’s reply was “I am appalled that your niece would charge even a nickel to cut her loving aunts hair” so apparently someone is asking her to do something for free! And I am not on a “high horse” but I am just stating that we cant always do things for free or for a discount in our business (or in most businesses, for that matter). The aunt never states that she has an agreement with the niece to swap services ( haircutting in exchange for baby sitting etc…) to receive a discount so I assume she does these things in hopes that she will get a “deal” on her hair, but that might not be feasible. I agree with you that the aunt shouldnt “break her back” because chances are the niece doesnt need her to! I am sure she figures out a way to get the floor swept, and feed herself when her aunt isnt around!!! I feel Cat was incorrect in her answer and made judgements about something and someone she obviously has no idea about, like the judgement you made about me and my high horse!
— Kat, pittsburgh pa 07/23/2009 Reply
The aunt should not HAVE to ASK the niece for a discount. I realize that hair stylists get taken advantage of by friends and relatives, but this is her aunt who is always there for her. She helps her and loves her. The niece clearly doesn’t take after her aunt who seems to have such a kind and giving nature. It’s as if the niece just expects all the help from the aunt, and it apparently doesn’t dawn on her to ever give back to this woman. Instead she charges a ridiculous amount to do her hair. I am seeing this more and more often with the younger generation (not all, but many)—they expect the world to bow down to them, but they won’t do anything for anyone else.
They say, “You expect me to do that for free? You’ve got to be kidding.” We need more kind and loving people like the aunt.
— Joanne Braun 07/24/2009 Reply
I am happy to see the comment posted by “Joanne”! I agree the current generation of younger people have a “look out for #1” attitude, and the expectation that family should support every decision no matter how irresponsible. It is good the niece pursued an education and she has the “chops” to start her own business (both may see her successful one day). However, if she is too poor and in debt that she cannot feed herself, then she is not a good business person and she should close it to reduce her costs. If she is so highly skilled at hair styling she can easily work for a top salon, save her money and not burden herself with owning and running a one-woman shop. My motherly instinct says she is too high-and-mighty to work for anyone which explains why she does not have any other family members coming to her salon but thinks nothing of taking their help, then charging them a pretty penny!
— Irene, West End 07/24/2009 Reply
I always wonder what the other side of the story is, don’t you Cat? I want the niece to write her side and provide an explanation or defend herself. Does she live on her own, if so how does she pay for it? Barter is like gold when you are have financial woes. Sometimes you need a utility bill paid off or a gift card to a grocery store that would last a month. The niece has grandiose ideas about her business if any customer feels “gouged.” She is confusing her hair styling ability with a business ability. If the aunt is willing to sweep up and bring food, cut her hair for god’s sake! Trading goods for services is how you learn and make good connections when you are starting out.
— D., Oakland 07/24/2009 Reply
Let me start off with, I am a hairdresser. Products cost money, such as color and hairpieces. A simple box of hair color costs anywhere between $8 and $20, and that’s jsut the color. The bottles of developer cost more. This woman’s time is also worth money! My guess is that the neice didn’t ask for the Aunt to sweep, babysit or bring food. If you went to best buy with a fish sandwich, would you get a discount. On the other hand, I do believe that relatives who are truly loving and help you, should get some perks, I do for my relatives. But, unless her Aunt paid for her education, she shouldn’t get free services. How do we know exactly what was used on the Aunt’s hair? She may have purchased products. So I’d love to hear the neice’s side of the story. I’m sick of people thinking because I do hair, their hair cuts, color’s and perm’s should be free or at the cost of the product, especially when they are usually the people who need “squeezed in” or show up hours late!
— Michelle, Plum 08/18/2009 Reply