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She Loves Him, She Loves Him Maybe & Future In-Laws Give Her The Cold Shoulder
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
DEAR CAT: I knew my gorgeous and free-spirited girlfriend for 18 years before asking her out. Once I did, we fell in love and weâve been dating exclusively for six months. She is easygoing, energetic, and very independent (she is a single mom) but her laid-back attitude sometimes comes across as ânot caringâ and it really hurts. One time she was traveling for work, and if I hadn’t asked the night before about her plans for the week, she wouldnât have told me about the trip. There have been other occasions where she seems to lose track of things. I think she just forgets, but it makes me feel left out, like I’m not part of her life. Sometimes I feel really loved by her, other times not as much. I get âI love youâ and âI miss youâ texts one day, the next day I get one-word answers to questions. Itâs like a roller coaster and it’s hard for me to handle my up-and-down feelings. What should I do? âRUNNING DOWN A DREAM
DEAR RUNNING: Youâre in that gray area of seriousness, when you are definitely exclusive but not yet spouse-like in your sharing of information. Yes, you are in love, but that doesnât mean you truly know each other. Instead of suffering the constant ups & downs and wondering how she feels about you, ask her! She may not understand or appreciate how much you want to be in her life, and she is probably unaware of how her laid-back-ness comes across. You waited so long to be with her – before jumping ship (or to conclusions), tell her exactly how you feel. Catâs Call: She might just need to hear that you want to know what she doesnât say.
DEAR CAT: I have in-law problems! I am engaged to the man of my dreams but his family is not congratulatory, all because of an incident at the jewelry store where he bought my ring. My fiancéâs cousin âMary,â used to work at the store. When he and his friend were in the store, the saleswoman mentioned Maryâs name. His friend joked that Mary will never get an engagement ring because she is such a bitch. That wasnât cool! Well, the saleswoman told Mary, and now no one in his family wants to share our joy. I can’t believe the saleswoman was so unprofessional, she got a big commission off my diamond! My fiancéâs aunts are giving me the cold shoulder and I have to live with them for the rest of my life, and I had hoped to become friends with âMaryâ someday. Now what?? — MARY CAUSED A LITTLE PROBLEM
DEAR PROBLEM: Let me get this straight…your fiancé has a friend who said something stupid and insulting about a cousin whoâs not even yours. Since then, your fiancéâs family has turned againstâ¦you? Unless I mistakenly passed math, his family added 2 + 2 and came up with 437. 1) Call Mary and explain, then go to lunch and laugh it off. 2) Call your in-laws, clear the air and remind them this has nothing to do with you. 3) Catâs Call: Your fiancé should man up and defend you to his family, or Iâve got a few insults for him.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
For Mary, I don’t understand why the family is taking it out on her…can someone clarify?
— Ron, Bethesda 07/28/2009 Reply
Running Down may want to find out if his Lady-love has undiagnosed Bipolar or Attention Deficit (adults get them too). She might not be acting like this on purpose and may be totally unaware she is doing it.
— Mary, north of Pittsburgh 07/28/2009 Reply
To Ron in Bethesda, I’m confused about that too. Is that the point? I think so. If you read the column here, not on the post gazette, you see that is Cat’s position. It is missing on the other version of the column. I think the family can’t bring itself to be mad at “one of their own” so they transfer it to the bride. I heard of situations like this before, maybe it’s only confusing to us SANE people :)
— Alexis, Pittsburgh 07/28/2009 Reply
Puhleeze! Mary North of Pittsburgh’s suggestion if someone is rude or insensitive jumps to the conclusion there’s a mental disorder involved!?!? People are rude and insensitive even when they supposedley love you! My call: I think Cat took the romantic road here with wishful thinking instead of the real one. The girlfriend likes keeping him in the dark to seem mysterious or to make him jealous. Or like I said, she’s just rude and insensitive.
— TOP 19107 07/28/2009 Reply
Cat: I don’t know about your advice this guy. I think the woman is either rude/narcissitic or not into this guy as much as he is into her but isn’t ready to put him out of his misery. I think she’s having “buyer’s remorse” to tell you the truth.
— Jim, Pgh 07/28/2009 Reply
I read with interest the letter that “Running Down a Dream” sent you about his erratic relationship with his girlfriend. Her actions sound chillingly like those of a woman with whom I was in a relationship for nearly 4 years, one that ended last spring. One day, everything would be great, the next it was as if she had constructed an impenetrable shell around herself. On a day-to-day basis, she would go from being charming, engaging, and loving to being cold and distant. As it turned out, she was diagnosed with something called Personality Disorder, which I believe is a milder version of bipolar disorder. No amount of caring, expressing, cajoling on my part had any impact on her bad days. She was an island. I tried penetrating that shell in every loving way I could, but finally had to give up and let her go last July. I was deeply saddened at the time, but am grateful now that the relationship is over. We remain good friends from a distance, care about each other as such (although she still disappears from contact from time to time), but know we can never be together again. I pray for her recovery from this condition (a family therapist friend of mine tells me that people with the condition often mysteriously “outgrow” it in their 50s—she is in her mid-40s), and I still mourn the loss of what to me often felt like the love of my life.
— Glad To Have Moved On 07/28/2009 Reply
Cat I find your answer to “Running Down A Dream” surprising. I thought you would side with him 100% and tell him to tell her that she’s being insensitive by keeping things from him. Your answer was much more emotional and NEVER would’ve occurred to me. It does make a lot of sense though. If she has had bad/failed relationships she might not trust the guy enough yet. My call was that she might be cheating and doesn’t tell him everywhere she’s going because of that. I think I still side with my call but this opens my eyes to a dynamic that I never considered.
— Mike (Chicago) 07/28/2009 Reply
Yup — the first question is the kind of thing that baffles men. If he really loves her, he’ll continue to live through this emotional roller coaster and end up a basket case. If he’s smart, he’ll cut his losses now. Tough love, for sure.
As for the second question, either the family is nuts (won’t it be fun to be part of that clan?), or she’s seeing something that isn’t there (always a possibility).
— Mike, Downtown 07/28/2009 Reply
For “Mary”, I think the fiance should talk to the store owner about this, return the ring and demand a full refund. Then the two of them should go to a different store and pick out a ring without any friends or relatives with them. The fiance should also make it clear to his family that it was HIS friend who made the comment, so why are they taking it out on her??? If they are being this ridiculous before the wedding, what is she getting herself into?
— nn from NJ 07/28/2009 Reply
Has anyone considered the possibility that Running is simply a bit too needy? He says they’re in love, yet he freaks if he doesn’t receive regular/daily assertions of her devotion. (I know that some people appreciate them, but I hate those constant little “I love you”/“you’re swell” messages.) As he’s known her for 20 years, certainly he should understand that her personality is not the same as his. The bigger issue seems to be that, despite the fact that they’re in love and he’s known her forever, he can’t muster up the courage to actually communicate in a meaningful way and tell her why he’s bothered. Cat’s right: he needs to actually talk to her.
— Isembard, Pittsburgh 07/30/2009 Reply