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His Parents Only Call When They Want Money & Introducing Her Friends Left Her Friend-less
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
DEAR CAT: I recently married a wonderful guy. The problem is his family, whom I love dearly and they are great people except that they constantly ask for money, and neither of them work. My parents paid for everything for our wedding, except the rehearsal dinner, which my in-laws said they couldnât afford. My husband and I paid for dinner, his mother’s dress, father’s tux, sister’s dress and brother’s tux. My father-in-law hasnât worked for a while and tells everyone he is retired. He puts all of his money into an older car that has over 100K miles on it. My husband told them not to come to our wedding because his father wanted money to pay for my mother-in-law’s dress, yet he replaced a few parts on his car. They do have two cars but are only willing to drive one. I want my husband to have a relationship with his parents but they only call when they need money and nothing we do is good enough. When we call to invite them out, they say, âwe will call you back,â but they never do. I am at a loss and any advice is appreciated. â- NEWLY WED
DEAR NEWLY: Itâs lovely and mature that you want to maintain a good relationship with his family but it doesnât sound like theyâre interested. At this point the best course is to do absolutely nothing, at least for a while. Why set yourselves up to be blown off? Why give money to people who donât need it and moreover donât treat you with respect? Just because theyâre family doesnât mean their hearts are in the right place. Pull back for a time and see if it clears the air and changes the current. Hopefully your in-laws will come around, but if they donâtâ¦Catâs Call: At least youâll know itâs not for a lack of trying (on your part).
DEAR CAT: I have a circle of friends; some from work, some are long term friendships. One friend in particular asked me (kind of inappropriately) to meet my other friends. I didn’t really feel comfortable with this but I introduced her to them. Fast forward to the present: the inappropriate friend is now loafing with all the others because none of them work and I work full time. I am very sorry I introduced them now Iâve lost my friends because they constantly make plans and go out together and I am out of the loop. What should I do? — LEFT OUT
DEAR LEFT: Perhaps you just feel out of the loop rather than actually being an outsider? Consider that before you make a thing out of this. For now, treat your friends as you normally would, initiate plans as usual and see what happens. If they make plans when youâre working, thatâs nothing. If they purposely exclude you at other times, dump them. Sounds extreme, perhaps, but your lifestyles (and personalities) may no longer be compatible. Though Iâm confused how a request for an introduction can be âinappropriate,â you twice used that word to describe her, so you might want to dump her anyway. âFriend hoppingâ is very real but…Catâs Call: Some people donât understand it until theyâre on the receiving end of it.
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Cat, you are RIGHT ON with both of your answers today -there is actually no better way to have responded than how you did.
Love reading your column!
— Debbie, Mt. Lebanon 08/04/2009 Reply
Did i miss your new look announcement? I enjoy your timely and concise advice on today’s social questions. I hope your style does not change.
— Chuck on Cat's new look 08/04/2009 Reply
The exact same thing happened to me a couple years ago. i ‘joined’ some of my friends who before that point did not really know each other. within a month they were texting and connecting online and they had ‘inside jokes’ they would laugh about when we were all together. i felt very excluded. now I am not really friends with any of them (casual friends at most). I don’t even miss them which I guess says alot about the friendships to begin with.
— Molly in Pitt 08/04/2009 Reply