Columns
Second Thoughts About Ending A Friendship & Flirting On The Morning Commute
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
DEAR CAT: In college I was really good friends with someone in the area. After graduation I realized her boyfriend was a controlling scumbag. One night he got so high and drunk that he felt me up while my friend just sat there and laughed. He pushed me to go out with one of his druggie friends, etc. My friend always sided with him and there were many times they said I had to do whatever they wanted, and if I said no they made me feel like the worst person in the world. I eventually stopped talking to her and I actually felt great because she was pulling me down. Since then Iâve changed jobs and I see my other friends less because of work. I wonder sometimes if I made the right choice in ending our friendship. Then I think of everything I went through with her and I think, âwhy was I even friends with her?â Did I make the right choice by cutting her out of my life? — SECOND THOUGHTS
DEAR SECOND: Wait, I know that guy! He once dated a friend of mine and threatened to drop her in the Potomac River. Ah, college. Anyway, ending a friendship can be very tough. Itâs a breakup, really, and it leaves a hole in your life. Later on there might be occasions (like now) when loneliness makes you reconsider your choices. But you said it yourself, you felt great after she and the scumbucket were out of your life. There is a chance she, too, was pulled down by her involvement with that boyfriend. If heâs gone, she might have grown up and pulled it together. If you really miss her, give her a call. Butâ¦Catâs Call: Since she hasnât reached out to you, itâs probably not worth the effort.
DEAR CAT: I ride the bus every day for work and there is a young lady I speak with, mostly just typical talk like weather, etc. A couple months ago she blurted out that she was kicking her fiancé to the curb and she made comments which indicated she might be interested in going out with me. The problem is that she alternates between talking about a future without him and taking trips with him. Should I kiss her off, or wait until she makes a concrete move to ditch him? —CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED: Who jumps from talking about the weather to talking about ending an engagement? Questionable people, thatâs who. If your story mentioned a âboyfriendâ rather than a âfiancéâ Iâd tell you to go for it, but seeing as sheâs engaged, forget her. You should view an engaged person as completely, totally and in all other ways unavailable. The very fact that she discusses her relationship status with you – a single, male stranger – is a major red flag. Even more bothersome is her hinting about dating you. Of course I understand that âengagedâ is not âmarried,â but engagement is the promise of a life togetherâ¦Catâs Call: Until that promise is broken, donât give her another thought.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
If “Second Thoughts” former really good friend had a total personality change since having this boyfriend, I’d say this makes her a high-risk person to trust in the future. What true friend would laugh while her boyfriend feels up another girl, or would join with the guy in making someone feel like the worst person in the world for not doing whatever they wanted? The “really good friend” sounds just as manipulative and mean as the controlling scumbag boyfriend, and even if she reached out to “Second Thoughts”, I would have serious doubts about her trustworthiness and therefore, about renewing a friendship ever after. If the letter writer can think of everything she went through with this person and even wonder why she was ever friends with her, she’s answered her own question.
— Diane, Plum 08/25/2009 Reply
Both people in today’s column have problems of their own even though they’re writing to you about other people’s problems. I don’t care that the first girl was in college at the time because she showed no sense (or only a little) by being friends with that girl. And here she is years later wondering if she made the right choice. Jesus grow up! The guy in the second letter shouldn’t be confused about what to do. The advice you gave is the only obvious answer, to people with a shred of self-respect, that is.
— W.D., west end 08/25/2009 Reply
Cat,
Please dont take me wrong here. I have never aimed to get in the middle of any relationship, even boyfriend and girlfriend, let alone an engaged couple. I was thinking (selfishly) that what the heck, if their relationship is over, and I don’t owe the guy anything.
But you are correct, that I shouldn’t do anything until the engagement is totally broken, and I should probably be careful so as not to get caught in a bounce back
As for discussing with a stranger, after years on the bus, not sure that “stranger” really applies. I bet some of your bus buddies have heard at least a few stories that might push the boundaries a little.
— Confused, da Burgh 08/26/2009 Reply