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He "Mistakenly" Texted The Wrong Girl & She Uses A Dating Site Without Being On It
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
DEAR CAT: I met an amazing girl and we talked on the phone every day for a week before our first date. The date was so good that, halfway through, we were making plans for the week. When she went to the restroom I got a text from a girl I dated a few weeks before. I responded, saying I was busy and would call her later. I signed it âxoâ because thatâs what she did (it didnât mean anything romantic, I was just being nice). Once I hit send I realized I sent it to the girl I was on the date with! She came back and said, “did you just text me?” The excuse I came up with was terrible. We stayed for another hour but it was awkward. The next day I called her to come clean and apologize. We had a good conversation and I know there is a major spark. I havenât met someone like this in a very long time. She said she needs to âtake a breather.â How do I make this better? â STUPID, STUPID MOVE
DEAR STUPID: This story doesnât click – all you had to do was hit âreplyâ to the text. You wanted your date to âmistakenlyâ get it so sheâd feel jealous that youâre so in-demand. Itâs fine to date a few people at the same time but if youâre unable do it without treating your dates like disposable tissue, please stop. Your only hope is to tell her that you really, truly, honestly think sheâs incredible and you want to spend more time together. Tell her she can watch you delete every womanâs name from your phone so you can devote your attention only to her, at least for a few weeks to see how things go. If she doesnât bite⦠Catâs Call: Let it go, and promise me youâll never be this stupid again.
DEAR CAT: I subscribe to a few online dating sites and so far Iâve met a few nice women, one or two with potential. I got an email from a coworker who saw me on one of the sites. She said that even though she doesnât subscribe to the site, she browses there every few weeks and recognized me from a company party. She basically asked me out and I donât even know her. Moreover, I feel somewhat âfound outâ and angry that she emailed me during the work day for personal reasons. Let me say again, I donât even know her! I want to tell her off but since weâre technically coworkers, how can I decline? Didnât she cross a line here? — âOUTEDâ AT WORK
DEAR OUTED: Oh yeah she crossed a line. She browsed a dating site where people pay to communicate with each other, then she surprised (i.e. ambushed) you at work. This has happened to many people (myself included) and itâs the main reason why dating sites should protect membersâ privacy from non subscribers. Your best bet is to tell her youâre dating someone, but also suggest that she join the site since sheâs so interested in the people on it. If sheâs too lazy, or unwilling to invest the moneyâ¦Catâs Call: She doesnât deserve to sample the merchandise.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
HI Cat,
Definitely agree with your first answer. The dude’s question doesn’t quite make sense, and I think they’re trying to hide something or change the story when they know they were in the wrong.
I do, however, disagree with your advice to OUTED. What’s the harm in following up with a co-worker? Yes, she surprised him. But he’s been corresponding online with people, so why is it a big deal if someone simply e-mails him? So what if they don’t know her…does he really know anyone on those dating sites? I feel the issue here is that OUTED is insulted that this person asked them out (maybe due to lack of attraction) or frustrated that someone they know saw his profile and removed his anonymity.
— Matt 09/01/2009 Reply
I’m on the opposite side than Matt here. I kind of disagree with your first answer but agree with your 2nd. I think the “Stupid” guy was just nervous. There isn’t any harm in sending a text message when your date is in the ladies’ room. He probably wasn’t paying attention: he got the text, closed it, then decided to reply. I do agree it’s weird he didn’t hit “reply” but nervousness could explain that. On the 2nd question, that happened to me twice. I work at a large law firm where there are many single people. We seen each other on dating sites on occassion and it’s like an unspoken club. If someone NOT on the site emailed me at work and I didn’t even know her, I’d be pissed. There is nothing odd about being on a dating site but it’s a turn off to picture that girl cruising the site and seeing her coworkers and, as you said, “ambushing” them in the middle of a work day. I wouldn’t go out with her.
— Adam (Los Angeles) 09/01/2009 Reply
On the first question, can you imagine the downer she felt after spending a week talking to him and holding his hand on the date?? I agree he meant for her to see that text. What a dumbass. On the second question, I’m not single but I can imagine how that dude feels. My call is: people take time to get on dating sites, just pay up and join or you’ll look like a dating-site-stalker.
— S. pittsburgh 09/01/2009 Reply
Good advice to Outed, but I had the same thing happen to me at work, but by a paying subscriber. I simply told her “I find it best not to date people who work for the same company as me, avoids the drama” This really is my policy, so no chance of it back firing on me.
— J. Boca Raton, FL 09/01/2009 Reply
I totally agree with both of your answers. In the first instance, STUPID should not have been texting another woman he has dated recently while on another date with a second woman; and he clearly sent the text to the wrong person on purpose. Moreover, he was prolonging the other relationship and used an affectionate sign off (despite his claim that “xo” means nothing, that’s as bad as saying that the words “I love you or I hate you” mean nothing. There is clear meaning there.) If I was the poor date #2, I’d never see/talk to him again. He needs to learn to treat people better, pay attention to the woman he is with, and appreciate a good thing without playing games. Tone down the drama.
For OUTED, I agree the co-worker crossed a line in many ways. She is not a member of the dating service, but even if she was, approaching a co-worker who you do not know is not tasteful or professional. I also agree that he merely needs to say he does not date within the company, but he should also tell her to respect people’s privacy. Just because he joined a paying date site does not mean he is asking the entire world to approach him. As a former member of one of those sites, I can attest that you are joining the site so you CAN get to know people better and see more about them before you chat or go on a date. And you are NOT opening yourself up to be contacted directly.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 09/01/2009 Reply
The guy in the first letter is an idiot. The guy in the second letter is an idiot too. I don’t think you’re an idiot Cat, just for the record. But do you ever have smart people write to you?
— Thomas, Pittsburgh 09/01/2009 Reply
I see no harm with the reckless texter. The guy was on his first date with a girl -there is no commitment at this point and none should be expected. I don’t think the guy did this on purpose for attention (and if he did, we have bigger issues here -he took the time to write you about a fabricated lie?). Anyhow, the girl needs to chill out and the guy certainly does not need to delete all of the women from his phone. I see nothing wrong with keeping your options open when dating (in the beginning only). Why commit to someone when you don’t even know them? I found the love of my life on Match and we are now married. However, in the very beginning, I was still juggling a few guys that I had been dating -as soon as I realized (after 3 dates) that I just wanted to learn more about this man, I told the others my intentions.
— Debbie, Mt. Lebanon 09/01/2009 Reply
Hey Debbie from Mt. Lebanon: Cat isn’t saying he has to commit to the girl, it’s just extending an olive branch. He says she’s amazing and he already spent a lot of time talking to her, then he looks like a liar and player after this debacle! He has to repair this damage. He can’t have THAT many girls on the line. He can write down their numbers first then she can watch him “delete” them from his phone. If things don’t work out he adds them all back in. Cat’s telling him how to look like a gentleman, that’s all.
— G3, 15219 09/01/2009 Reply
Stupid, Stupid Move is an idiot. Honestly, what kind of person actually answers a text message (or call) while they’re on a date, especially from another woman? That shows a lack of respect for the person you’re with and it’s just flat out rude. Cell phones should be off when you’re on a date unless you’re a doctor on call or if you have children at home. If I were his date, I’d have left him right there. She shouldn’t have been treated like that. I agree with those who say he meant for her to see it, and if he’s going to play those kinds of games on the first date, I can just imagine what the rest of the relationship would be like. Better she finds out now what a jerk he is.
For Outed, I think that woman was out of line. She should have kept that information to herself and not blindsided him with it. I think he’s doing the right thing by not going on a date with her or otherwise acknowledging her in any way.
— Katie, Pittsburgh 09/01/2009 Reply
Cat,
Granted STUPID’s mistake was ummm shall we say stupid…but how in the world do you come to the conclusion that he purposely sent the text message to the wrong girl, and even crazier than that convince the majority of these readers that it’s the gospel? It is really unbeleivable how easy people can be swayed to beleive anything that is told to them. Take out that one ridiculous line and your advice is very solid. Kudos for a job well done, you write and readers blindly follow!
— Terry 09/01/2009 Reply
To “Terry”: If you disagree with something but someone else agrees with it, they are sheep who’ll believe anything? Believe is spelled with and I before the E by the way. The hypothesis about sending the text on purpose makes perfect sense. People do stupid things for attention all the time, and those things come back and bite them in the ass.
— EWT, USA 09/01/2009 Reply
RE: He “Mistakenly” Texted The Wrong Girl
Mistakes happen, so on your next date, refrain from using electronic devices. And let the woman “take a breather” and move on.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 09/02/2009 Reply