Columns
Cheating Has Many Faces & Being A Best Man Is Breaking The Bank
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
DEAR CAT: Iâve been married to my wife for 5 years. She found her ex-boyfriend on Facebook and they talk, supposedly only about âinsurance and music.â Well, that was a lie. After finding emails referring to times they went out, I hinted to her about them but she continued to lie. Iâve found notes around the house, all ripped up, but I can read some of the lines. I saw a text on her phone saying she still loves him and it broke my heart. I asked her, âif something happened to us would you go back to him?â She said, “no, he is married.” But in one email he said that heâd end his marriage for her and she would go back to him. She even suggested a double date with him and his wife, to which I said no. Then a few weeks ago, when we were out for the evening, she said “I love you,” for the first time in 6 months. What should I think about all this? — SO SAD
DEAR H&S: Itâs one thing to find an ex online and see where they live, how many kids they have or if they became ugly. But your wife is cheating. Yes, cheating, by engaging in intimacy with another man. He is in her mind, on her phone, in her inbox, and littered around your house. Sheâs lying, sneaking around and leaving clues for you to figure it out, which you did long ago but you canât bear to face it. You already know what to make of this, the next step is having a real conversation about it. Youâre not a fool and your wife doesnât want to be married to one. If you continue to play one, you wonât respect yourself and most of allâ¦Catâs Call: Your marriage will never be okay again.
DEAR CAT: Iâm going to a beautiful island for my friendâs wedding. He was the best man in my wedding and I am in his. If the wedding were local weâd have no problem spending hundreds on a wedding gift, but $3,000 later in travel expenses and $300 for his bachelor party weekend, itâll be hard to buy him a beer! If not for this trip weâd otherwise put the money into our new home, a more modest vacation or a savings account. Would love your two-cents (possibly all I can afford) for what would be an appropriate gift. — BROKE BEST MAN
DEAR BROKE: You donât have to spend a fortune, a thoughtful gift is perfect. The coupleâs registry is always the #1 place to look. If others have already snatched up the less expensive gifts and one of the most expensive would be ideal, get others to share in the expense. If thatâs not an option, give from the heart, perhaps something beautiful and unique for their home (when I was a maid of honor, I gave a beautiful agate lamp that was one-of-a-kind but not terribly expensive). Most importantly, donât let the money stress keep you from having a fabulous time. Catâs Call: Good friends donât want you to go broke.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Cat,
You are right! Why continue to play that silly game, man up and confront her? She is cheating on him one way or the other. Who knows they’ve probably hooked up already. My mother told me years ago “don’t go digging unless you can deal with what you might find”. He has found all the evidence he needs. What more does he need compromising photos of them together? Trust is the foundation of any relationship once it is gone the relationship starts to fall apart! My advice is to cut your losses now.
— Carl Germany 09/15/2009 Reply
Hey Cat,
Perhaps I’m old school on this issue. My wife and I went to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon back in the days when people got married in churches. But there is something about destination weddings that disturbs me. Not all people are created financially equal. If a couple can afford to get married on an exotic island that is one thing, but expecting your family and entourage to follow is quite another. Personally I would be very uncomfortable expecting the people chosen for the wedding party to shell out a few grand to be in the wedding. My feeling is that a wedding, although personal and untimately between two people, is also a celebration. It’s a celebration to share with friends and family including all the people in the lives of the couple whom they know and love. I believe the actual wedding ceremony is the initial part of that celebration and most will miss that. Couples have parties when they return but it is not the same. It’s a party and not a wedding. And that’s my call.
— Chuck, Pittsburgh 09/15/2009 Reply
Everything you wrote to “So Sad” was true as far as it went, but there are plenty, perhaps a majority, of marriages that are not monogamous. One way it works is what “Sad” is doing: not mentioning the obvious. Another way which is more honest is to talk about an “open” marriage or a Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell marriage. Apparently no children are involved, so divorce might be the simple solution. But someone needs to affirm, for those flexable minded people, that it is OK to have an alternative lifestyle.
— LBJ, USA 09/15/2009 Reply
My heart is breaking for “Sad”. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I unfortunately think too that the writing is on the wall -and I’m so sorry.
And for the poor guy that has to shell out thousands to be in a wedding, my heart goes out to you too. I don’t think it is right for folks to expect family/friends to shell out this kind of money for “their” wedding. I doubt they’ll expect you to give a gift, but if you do, what is another $100 at this point (lol) -sorry…! I probably would not have agreed to do this if I needed the money for other things -even though the groom was in your wedding, I doubt you had him shelling out this kind of money.
— Daniela, Pittsburgh 09/15/2009 Reply
Cat,
“Sad’s” wife is in over her head and confused. By telling her husband she loves him after 6 months proves that she wants her marriage to work and she feels guilty about what she has done. Instead of confronting her – which will make her defensive, he should tell her that he loves her and wants to work on their marriage in spite of what he found. If she wants to work things out with him, then he should insist that she delete the ex-boyfriend from her Facebook and her phone and go to marriage counseling. He will know from her response how she really feels and go from there. I know this because it has happened to me. While it never went beyond Facebook and texting, I still felt guilty and was relieved when my husband came to me in a loving manner rather than a confronting manner. We worked together and we are happier than ever!
— Jen, Pittsburgh 09/15/2009 Reply
RE: Cheating Has Many Faces
That couple needs Facetime not Facebook.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 09/15/2009 Reply
I agree with Chuck in Pitt. The trend of “destination weddings” is very unfair to guests. Yes the wedding is all about you and your spouse-to-be but the people who care about you want to celebrate with you and you put a big burden on them. You say “it’s a vacation too!” but people can’t always afford to do both because of course you have to give a gift too. Hollywood celebrities and rich people do it right — they pay for guests to travel to the wedding. Regular people pay for your chicken and you foot the bill for everything else.
— Sammy CA 09/15/2009 Reply
I spent a large amount as a best man as well, between the bachelor party and the wedding and the involved travel, it totaled more than either of my past two vacations.
I figured $50 was a good amount. It’s nothing to sneeze at, and, quite honestly, if you’ve already paid a few thousand the last $50 is not going to break the camel’s back. I got something on the registry, so I figure they can’t be insulted by a $50 gift when they registered for it.
I think the other option is to let the bride and groom know that you had to prioritize and couldn’t buy everything at once. Buy a gift and send it later (but not too much later). Let them know you haven’t forgotten but it was too much for your budget in X time period. Odds are, if you’re close enough to them to be the best man, they will completely understand.
— Ron, Bethesda 09/15/2009 Reply