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His Relationship Couldn't Survive Her Friends & Don't Let Holiday Cards Be A Summer Stress
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
DEAR CAT: I lived with a woman for two years. During that time, one of her female coworkers befriended her and they started spending more time together than she spent with me. The coworker didnât like me, she often bashed me, saying, “heâs no good!” I discussed the coworkerâs conduct with my girlfriend but she ignored my concerns. Long story short, her coworker hooked her up with a male friend of hers, and then my girlfriend cheated on me and left me for the “Hunk With Tattoos Who Rides A Harley, Shaves His Head, And Works As A Ditch Digger.” Yes, maybe I should have read the writing on the wall or perhaps she left me for other reasons. But I don’t see why she cheated on me, left me, and denied her âfriendâsâ sabotage of our relationship. How can a relationship succeed when outside parties attempt to negatively affect or terminate it? — DITCHED, LITERALLY
DEAR DITCHED: Iâm sorry your relationship ended so badly. Iâve certainly heard of friends trying to sabotage othersâ relationships but a good relationship can weather such storms. And mature, self-confident people donât even have friends like that coworker in the first place. On the flip side, there are big details missing from this story – like why the coworker hated you, and why your ex was so insecure that sheâd let someone badmouth her boyfriend. Youâre worried about protecting a relationship from outside influences but that would only occur to you if you have something to hide. The relationship is now over, but⦠Catâs Call: Think on the last point before moving in with your next girlfriend.
DEAR CAT: Christmas is three months away but I am already stressing about the cost of mailing holiday cards. We have two grade-school kids and I like to include a photo and little letter about the goings on in our family. With the cost of materials and postage, each card costs almost one dollar per recipient. I send out 140 cards each December and the majority are to family members whom we never see or hear from throughout the year. I donât believe email is the answer to saving costs because it seems impersonal and I have no interest in maintaining all those email addresses. I feel guilty if I donât send out all these holiday greetings but would rather spend my time and money elsewhere. Your call? — FEELING THE STRESS
DEAR FEELING: Itâs lovely that you put so much effort into your holiday correspondence but I canât imagine a bigger waste of time than stressing about keeping almost-strangers up to date about your goings on. Moreover, you spend money to do it! I do realize the recipients are family but youâre hardly close, and thatâs why email is a perfectly acceptable alternative. Think outside the card box on this one. There are many ways to personalize and fun-up emails, or you could opt for e-cards. Either way, youâll save a bunch of dough and have time leftover forâ¦you guessed it, yourself! Whatever method you choose, give yourself a pre holiday gift of relaxation this year. Catâs Call: Itâs a gift that keeps on giving.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Daniela’s comment about the “lack of depth” of the 2nd question got me thinking along the same lines. Is the world really split like this? Some people are dealing with war and others are dealing with christmas cards? That’s how the world is I guess.
— Cara, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
140 Christmas cards?!?!? I thought I sent a lot at about 50. I love Christmas cards and if a friend or family member sent an e-card that is great but I do love the tide of non bill non junk mail that Christmas cards bring to my mailbox. I think that “Feeling” should re consider her card list. First maybe she should eliminate the letter, secondly maybe she should eliminate some of the family and friends on that list to make it more manageable. Finally if she does want to keep the 140 maybe she should split the list and do some as ecards and some as regular cards, but really that doesn’t help the stress. Really she needs to cut and trim that list, for her sanity.
— WES, Mass 09/22/2009 Reply
Re: Christmas Cards
I’m wondering how this woman handles a REAL problem in her life! Good grief.
— MCC, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
For the person concerned about sending holiday cards, Iâm sure the right solution will come to you. A bit disappointed that this âstoryâ made the press -there are so many other problems in the world that need to be addressed. I realize money is tight for everyone, but this particular problem really isnât noteworthy of making âCatâs Callâ. Sorryâ¦maybe it is late and Iâm tired, but was looking forward to something with more depth.
— Daniela, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
To the people who think the Christmas card question is too shallow: Why are you looking to an advice column for the deep issues of the world? Advice columns almost always deal with the petty minutia of life.
— Maura, Ann Arbor, MI 09/22/2009 Reply
Dear Feeling the Stress-
I too have a large family and had a similar issue during past Christmas seasons. Here’s a suggestion: go through your list of 140 and figure out who you haven’t seen or heard from in the last year. Then take a sharpie and cross them off of your list. If they haven’t missed you enough throughout the year to call or see you, then they probably don’t care about what you’re doing at Christmas time. And probably (and I know this sounds harsh) they don’t even take the time to read the letter you write – it just goes in the trash. Sounds like you’ve got to prioritize here. Instead of stressing out, spend your time and money creating a holiday card that will truly be appreciated by those that really care about you and your family.
— sjm, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
RE: DITCHED, LITERALLY
If you’re blessed to find the right woman, move-in AFTER the honeymoon.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 09/22/2009 Reply
To The Poor Ditched Guy From Question 1:
Women will do this to you buddy, let me tell you. Women are often easily swayed by others, indecisive, and often cannot distinguish what exactly they want. Half of the time women just want a warm male body who collects a paycheck. One of the most vital needs women seek from a man is security. Women are also very two-faced, and under the right circumstances will turn on you.
I don’t know the particulars of your former relationship with this woman, but it appears that she wasn’t happy, and found somebody else to spark to her little engine. Perhaps this lady co-worker friend is one of those manipulative types who is stimulated by messing with other people’s relationships. Your former girlfriend probably complained about you on an occasion or two to this lady co-worker friend which sparked the manipulative ways of this lady co-worker friend.
Don’t worry about it buddy women do this to men often. One minute they want this, the next minute they want something totally different. I got married in my early 20’s, and married a woman in her early 20’s. About a few months into the marriage she started to take value in spending lots of time with her friends from college to go shopping, take trips to the salon, bar hopping, concerts, etc. Often she would not invite me. So I started spending more time with some guy buddies from work, and she became angry and annoyed that I wasn’t home as much. Our marriage eventually dissolved because she took more value in spending time with her friends than with me, and became angry when I spent more time with friends of mine. Women are often very irrational. They want something initially, then find something else to want and devalue whatever they wanted initially.
You live and you learn. Next time read the writing on the wall better. If there is a next time, and you sense that your relationship is heading in a similar direction as you mentioned then get out of it, and burn her before she burns you! Take control of the relationship, don’t let her take control of the relationship! The one who cares less is the one in control………
— Paul, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
I should be surprised some of the people here say the ‘xmas card’ woman should have bigger things to stress about – but I’m not. For all you know she’s a heart surgeon or scientific genius who just cares a ton about keeping in touch with her family. And you attack (or nearly) Cat for running the question because it’s not “deep.” Cat’s advice was excellent and very thoughtful, to someone who obviously needs a little perspective. Get off your high horses.
— James (PGH) 09/22/2009 Reply
To Paul from Pittsburgh: One guess – you’re still single. LOL. Shocked you got someone to marry you in the first place. Women just want a warm male body who collects a paycheck?? LOL. Yeah usually the paycheck they’re collecting is brought in by the woman!
— Elisa (nyc) 09/22/2009 Reply
TO: Elisa (nyc)
RE: Your’e Still Single?
Actually I am not single. I am engaged, and have plans to get married in January 2010. I respect my fiancee, love her, and treat her right. She does the exact same in return for me. She is always considerate of me as I am to her. It’s a give and take situation.
Secondly, I work full time, and pay all of my bills. I have a Masters Degree, and C.P.A. License. I do not rely on my fiancee’s income whatsoever. If she ever needs to borrow money from me for whatever, I am happy to lend it to her.
Make sure you know the facts before making assumptious and asinine statements.
— Paul, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
The man Paul says: “Women are often easily swayed by others, indecisive, and often cannot distinguish what exactly they want.” Sorry Paul but you have it wrong. PEOPLE IN GENERAL can be easily swayed, etc. Women do know what they want but they settle too often. Except for your fiancee (who borrows money from you!), it’s definitely not YOU. Blecchh!
— Jen, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
Paul—you still sound VERY angry over the failure of your first marriage and have developed some less than desireable attitudes about women. Does your fiance’ REALLY know how you feel about relationships and women? Also, just because you have a Master’s degree, a CPA, and some cash in your pocket doesn’t make you any better at relationships than someone pushing a broom.
— MCC, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
Not everyone has been affected by the recession. I frequent some photo forums, and many quickly plunked down $7,000 the day that a new digital camera was released two weeks ago. That wasn’t me, but it made it quite clear that many people have a lot of expendable cash.
As to that first one, I think that the “girlfriend” wasn’t that committed to the relationship. She bolted pretty quickly. Seems as if she was looking for the “bad boy.”
He should put this behind him as quickly as possible. It’s over. Move on. Don’t look back and certainly don’t take her back.
— Mike, Downtown 09/22/2009 Reply
RE: “Also, just because you have a Masterâs degree, a CPA, and some cash in your pocket doesnât make you any better at relationships than someone pushing a broom.”
Dear MCC:
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my response to this gentleman’s question. I really appreciate your input. We all really need straightforward and opinionated individuals such as yourself.
In response to your concerns, I fully agree with you. Just because one has certain credentials, and currenlty holds a career in a certain profession does not make that person any better than somebody else in a different profession at relationships.
I most certainly am not angry over the failure of my first marriage. It was a god send that it ended abruptly. Her dishonesty, deceit, ignorance and lack of concern for me could no longer be tolerated.
On a final note, I stated what I stated in the above mentioned answer initially because:
A. It is the truth.
B. I am only trying to sympathize with this gentleman who originally asked this question to Ms. Specter. Being that I was once in a similar scenario, I thought it would be helpful to provide this gentleman with some insight, and advice.
Very Truly Yours,
Paul
— Paul, Pittsburgh 09/22/2009 Reply
I have to chime in on the Christmas card letter… I started writting a Christmas card letter after recieving letters from other friends and family.. Mine started out as a joke because every letter I got expressed how wonderful life is and all the great things that people did or bought… When I wrote mine it started that we finally got indoor plumbing and the wifes rash is clearing up real good.. I have since wrote letters every year because of the response.. I am now on year 5 and already distant relatives I haven’t seen or talked to in decades are now asking for my christmas letter.. Sometimes letters do make a difference… I send out about 200 letters a year… Then again that’s just me trying to make someone smile…
— John, West Deer PA 09/22/2009 Reply