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Keeping A Coworker Out Of Your Business & Giving The Same Advice Over And Over Again
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
DEAR CAT: I will only have my current job until the end of the year. One coworker asked if I knew what I was going to do next. I didnât share much information about my job hunt because she doesnât need to know (weâre friendly but not âfriendsâ). To be polite in the face of her prying, I mentioned that I may look in a different field. Since then sheâs emailed me about job openings (to my current work email address) and sheâs also mentioned it to others in our office. My boss already knows Iâll be leaving but I donât want her privy to my job search. I know this coworker is just trying to be nice but I didnât ask for her help and I donât want it. How do I tell her that I prefer to keep my job search out of my current workplace without being rude? —THANKS BUT NO THANKS
DEAR THANKS: Thereâs a fine line between helpfulness and sticking your nose where it doesnât belong. If your coworker knew you well, and the type of job youâre seeking, itâd be nice for her to email your personal address if she comes across a great prospect. But itâs borderline sketchy to take time to find work for a temporary coworker whom you barely know. Sometimes the best way to say something is to just say it! This is one of those times, so do itâ¦Catâs Call: Nicely.
DEAR CAT: My sister is well-educated and has a good job. Her husband is nice, educated, good looking and also has a good job, and they have two young kids. She talks to me about his occasional excessive drinking and possible involvement with other women. Heâs come home drunk and been somewhat violent – throwing things, saying he hates her and the kids, etc. He blames it on stress and she forgives him. Iâve told her, âI would leave,â but she suggested counseling (they went a few times but he refused to continue). I don’t want to pit myself against him but she keeps coming to me for advice. I think sheâs embarrassed to tell anyone besides me. She says that she doesnât believe in divorce when kids are involved but if my parents knew, they would probably drag her and the grandkids from the house. How can I best help her? â LOVING SISTER
DEAR SIS: You are a very, very, very good sister. Incessantly hearing about a bad marriage is tiresome, frustrating and unfair. The best way to help her is twofold: 1) Tell your parents. Itâs not fair for her to constantly use you as a makeshift therapist. Yes, she needs help, but so do you. If she refuses to help herself (and her kids), bring in the big guns. 2) Gently but pointedly tell her that you will not spend the next fifty years hearing about her husbandâs drunk antics, âpossibleâ infidelities and dangerous explosions. You have your own life to manage and she must learn to respect that. If she has no choice but to handle this on her own, she will. Catâs Call: Iâm still stuck on, âher husband is nice.â
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Cat,
You missed a great opportunity to inform “Loving Sister” about Al-Anon! It can help BOTH sisters to see their own situations more clearly, so that they can make THEIR OWN DECISIONS about what to do with their lives. The “big guns” can’t do it FOR them!
— Wes, Uniontown, PA 09/29/2009 Reply
I appreciate Wes’ comment about contacting a help group but that is the wife’s responsibility. If the sister brings in the parents it “airs out” the ugly truth about the husband. Too many times these people lay everything on one sibling or one friend and it’s so unfair. I totally see Cat’s point there. I had a friend do that to me and I felt obligated to listen, listen, listen until I couldn’t stand it anymore and it affected my life. It was very depressing. I didn’t need a help group, that’s my point. I needed people in my life to tell me what Cat told the woman today.
— S. pittsburgh 09/29/2009 Reply
I love reading Cat’s column and this is the first time I have ever disagreed with her “Call” but in regards to the “Loving Sister”, her question was how can she best help her sister, not how can she stop being the sounding board! I totally disagree with telling the parents. By doing that she will be betraying her trust and then what will the sister in the troubled marriage do when she really needs help and doesn’t even have her sisters trust to turn to? I think a lot of information is being speculated. She doesn’t say the husband is being physically abusive to the wife or children, verbally abusive yes which can quickly escalate and possibly he is cheating so something must be done but the last thing she needs is to have another loved one turn on her. Yes it’s frustrating to want to help someone and listen to them constantly complain and them not take your advice but the final decision on what to do is the wifes, no one elses no matter how much advice you give and maybe the “Loving Sister” should be just that, a loving sister by being supportive and comforting when the wife is apparently desperately trying to decide what to do. If the husband refuses to continue therapy, the wife can always continue on her own and that will also take some of the burden off the sister if she doesn’t want to hear the complaints all the time. If the wife is fearful for her and the kids safety, she should tell her husband that the next time he pulls those antics she will call the police on him, and then do it. If there is no love left in the marriage the wife will realize that divorcing is not shameful and sometimes it is better to divorce for the kids sake than to have them live in an unhappy unloving home.
— B. Pittsburgh 09/29/2009 Reply
I found this accidentally from a google search for a similar topic. I am so happy to see someone publicly say: Enough with coddling people who act helpless!! The wife got married and her husband is an a**hole and she’s making her sister pay for it. If my sister acted like that, and on top of it took the holy high road about “no divorce when kids are involved” I’d tell her to “woman up” and take care of business. How long is the sister supposed to be there to hear the same sob story? What if the supportive sister’s life takes a bad turn, then what?? Bring in the parents! They sound like no nonsense folks.
— Kelly 94141 09/29/2009 Reply
In response to B. Pittsburgh…DUH…YEA THE HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE!!!! Take it from someone with experience in this kind of situation…a person doesn’t have to hit someone to be abusive. The husband is verbally, mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusive to his wife and children. Loving sister should tell her parents immediately. The abused sister may think her sister has turned on her, but when she is out of the abusive situation and has time to think clearly, she will realize that what her sister did was out of love for her and her children.
— Mary, Pittsburgh, PA 09/29/2009 Reply
“I don’t believe in divorce when kids are involved” means “I care more about being married than about my children.” Children come first. No ifs, ands or buts. If one parent is a mess, it is the responsibility of the other parent to do whatever is necessary, including divorce to protect the children. There isn’t a child on the planet who will benefit from being raised in a house with a mean drunk for a father.
— Berk 15219 09/29/2009 Reply
“I’m still stuck on the husband is ‘nice’???” LOL.
— S.T. cleveland 09/29/2009 Reply
LOL Cat. Your call: “I’m still stuck on the husband is ‘nice’.” Me too! You know she’s lying but I guess she’s not wanting to rip on her sister’s husband. Still LOLing.
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 09/29/2009 Reply
About the nosy coworker question: Don’t trust someone like that. Even if she is just being ‘nice’ it’s not good when someone cares that much about your personal business. It’s like she’s acting desperate. I don’t blame “Thanks But No Thanks” for getting irritated.
— beth pgh, pa 09/29/2009 Reply
I response to Mary…..Don’t you think if the Loving Sister felt or had knowledge that she was being abused to the extent you think she is she would have taken more drastic steps to interfere instead of writing to an advice column? Give me a break, some of you people need to take a chill. If this has not been an ongoing problem in the marriage from the start there could be many reasons for the behavior change in the husband. Oh, and what makes you think I haven’t been in that situation? I would call your response to me as verbally abusive.
— B. Pittsburgh 09/29/2009 Reply
Dear B. in Pittsburgh,
I actually never even gave it thought about you personally experiencing such a situation, so I must apologize if I’ve offended you. That certainly wasn’t my intention. However, I have been in this situation. I watched my sister go through what Loving Sister is witnessing. Her husband never hit her, and he was not verbally, mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusive all the time. I would say 60% of the time, he was a very “nice” person. However, because of the other 40% of the time, I watched my sister, who was a self-confident, happy loving person, turn into a self-doubting, self-deprecating person who believed she deserved all the anger and hate her husband would dish out during his ranting and raving. Their children grew up to hate their father. It doesn’t matter if the brother-in-law’s anger is a new problem or an ongoing problem. No one has the right to be abusive in any way. If he refuses to get help, she must think about her children and herself and get out immediately.
— Mary, Pittsburgh, PA 09/30/2009 Reply
“Loving Sister’s” problem is she is trying to help someone who doesn’t want help. Her sister is a coward who has chosen convenience over the well-being of her children, and is dumping the resulting emotional baggage on her sister. If I was in “Loving Sister’s” shoes, I’d tell my sister to either leave or stop complaining, and I’d be inclined to call child protective services. If the woman is too stupid to leave that’s her problem; she’s an adult and can make her own choices, but the kids are innocent victims.
— Kathi, Atlanta 09/30/2009 Reply