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He Set A Dating Deadline & She Cooked Up A Lie
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
DEAR CAT: I’m 26, decent looking, athletic build, honest, willing to do anything and very caring. I can get girls to go out on dates with me but it always seems like they break up with me after a month. I hear, “youâre a great guy, but…,” and its really starting to anger me. I buy dinner, flowers and I’m willing to do any activity so itâs not that I’m just into sitting around. Any ideas why this happens? I’m giving up in one month. â HAD IT WITH DATING
DEAR HAD IT: Iâm sorry youâve had bad luck but a pissy, woe-is-me attitude wonât get you anywhere. For the most part, unless a relationship results in marriage, it will eventually end. Why does this happen? Because people donât always click. Yes, it really hurts to go through a breakup, but swearing off dating means swearing in bitterness and being alone for the rest of your life. It often seems like love canât come too soon but be careful of impatience. It can read as desperation and lead you into a relationship just for the sake of having oneâ¦Catâs Call: Rather than finding the right one.
DEAR CAT: Iâm about to have my third date with a guy I met on an internet dating site. The problem is, I lied in my profile by saying I enjoy cooking. He described himself as a âfoodieâ and a self-trained chef. Thatâs intimidating because Iâve never cooked a full meal in my entire life. I donât dislike cooking, I just never do it! This date will be at my apartment and weâre going to cook dinner. He has a very sophisticated meal in mind for us and Iâve been trying to âcram studyâ with cookbooks but Iâm afraid my little lie is going to make me look bad, and make him lose interest. Iâm worried heâll ask me to hand him some kitchen tool and I wonât know what it is! Iâm sure this all sounds petty but I like him so much and I know the feeling is mutual. Iâm not a liar, I donât know why I did this! Should I come clean or just act the part? — NO CHEF
DEAR NO CHEF: Fear not, your little lie is hardly a dealbreaker. Honestly online is extremely important but thereâs always a gray area around lifestyle habits. Example: Itâs one thing to describe yourself as âneat & cleanâ when you have some dust behind the couch. Itâs quite another to say you live in a loft apartment thatâs really your parentsâ attic. In your case, come clean but donât make it a big performance. Simply explain that youâre not a cook but you do look forward to cooking with others when the opportunity arises. If heâs really a good chef (and a good date) heâll enjoy showing you the ropes in the kitchen. And if all goes well….Catâs Call: Youâll find new and fun uses for those kitchen tools.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Your response to NO CHEF really made my day, I must tell you your statement “You’ll find new uses for those kitchen tools” kept me going this morning, I guess my imagination never went there before. That said if you ever want to come over to my house and make me some dinner or even bake some cookies I will go out and spend a fortune at “Bed, Bath and Beyond.” Thank you for making my day and happy cooking.
— R.Z. 10/06/2009 Reply
I can relate to Mr. Had It With Dating. Women want relationships, at least that’s what they all say. When you’re willing to give them one they get ‘on the fence.’ I don’t know if Had It is trying too hard (been there too) because that can turn women off. I’d cool it with the flowers. That can seem generic if it’s not from the heart.
— John, Pittsburgh 10/06/2009 Reply
Your call on the kitchen tools brought a chuckle! I thought, “Whatever does she have in mind?!
— Diane, Plum 10/06/2009 Reply
RE: HAD IT WITH DATING
Take a break and do some volunteer work.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 10/06/2009 Reply
Hey Cat. There is nothing wrong with small lies in a dating site profile. I’m not going to state my real weight and I’m not fat. Also I wouldn’t admit that I can only cook MacnCheese in the blue box to a chef either! Personally I wouldn’t be interested in a man who calls himself a “foodie” but he could be lying too! It sounds like they really like each other (cooking at someone’s apartment is a sign of that) and I think she’s safe to admit her big bad secret!
— Jennifer, Pittsburgh PA 10/06/2009 Reply
Great answers today. The phrase “pissy woe-is-me attitude” made me seriously laugh and it’s still in my head. Good insight into what women don’t want or like. Or what you don’t want ; ) If you’re single let me know. Pitt isn’t too far for a woman who knows her way around the kitchen drawers.
— P. (berkeley ca) 10/06/2009 Reply
I love the column today! Your advice is excellent and is very well explained. I think NO CHEF is worryiing too much. He won’t care if she doesn’t cook. The HAD IT guy needs to lighten up. I think these are examples of how life’s little problems can weigh on you. That guy will eventually find a girlfriend and that woman’s lack of cooking expertise won’t matter in the end. You offer good perspective to people.
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 10/06/2009 Reply
WAASSSUPPP WITH THIS GIG KITTY KAT? A 26 year old still buying flowers? No wonder he canât get laid. And she lied about doing her best friend’s old man or I mean being able to cookâ¦we both need new gigs. I should share some of my âhair raisers with youââ¦.then youâd need to put on a psychiatry fedoraâ¦.
— E.B. pittsburgh 10/06/2009 Reply
To Had it…dude, you’re 26 years old with your whole life ahead of you. What’s the hurry? There are millions of people in their mid 20’s and still single so it’s not like it’s a problem.My advice to you is to take your time and enjoy your youth. Believe me, there is plenty of time for all the adult responsibilities yet to come for you.
— D...Mo. 10/06/2009 Reply
I’m with the others. “Mr. Had It” is too damn young to be giving up. Geez. Wait until you’re still single and 50. Also, you’re trying too damn hard.
Take a few weeks off, go on vacation and just chill for a week or so.
As to the non-cooking woman, if the relationship goes somewhere, it will make for a very funny story later on.
— Mike, Downtown 10/06/2009 Reply
To HAD IT WITH DATING: Most guys have had this problem at one time or another, its called the “Nice Guy” stage. I went through it in my late 20s, then I finally woke up. Women always say they want a “nice guy”, especially when they claim they are ready to “settle down”, but this is not true at all! Women will NEVER admit this, but they are really looking for a confident self-centered jerk they can turn into a nice guy. Women find these guys not only a challenge, but very fun and attractive! HAD IT, stop being a PANSY with the flowers, dinners and doing whatever she wants to do. Instead, show women that you do what YOU want to do, and give the impression that you don’t need a girlfriend. Women don’t respect or want to go out with pushovers(nice guys).
— Kevin, Pittsburgh 10/06/2009 Reply
I can relate to the 20 something that is going through some tough times in the dating scene. But thats life and things dont always go the way you want them too. I like Cats advice and dont get into a relationship just out of desperation.
— Bill Butler,pa 10/06/2009 Reply
Cat, you are right on with the 26 year old’s dating situation! Incredible insight and advice! I waited until I was almost 37 to get married and my husband was almost 40 (first marriages for both of us). At 26, you have plenty of time to find the right one. Enjoy the journey….
For the woman who can’t cook -I was laughing so hard when I read this! I did the same thing -I can’t cook a thing but posted that “I enjoy cooking” on a dating site. I love reading cookbooks and watching cooking shows, but was petrified to make anything on my own. Just let him do all of the cooking….if he likes it that much, let him go crazy in the kitchen and just learn from him…he’ll love it!
— Daniela, Pittsburgh 10/06/2009 Reply
I think I may have dated Mr. Had it…..and it didn’t end well. All joking aside, Mr. Had it, you really need to relax and find out who you are. I have spent all of my adult life in 2 bad marriages because I had your same feelings about wanting to get married. I am finally single and very happy to be. I divorced 4 years ago and spent my time trying to find Mr. Right, but didn’t. I decided to remain single for a year, not to date even once, and for some reason, guys who were not in the least interested are beating down my door. I am only 6 months into the “no dating” thing. I have decided this single life may suit me. I’ve found out alot about myself, and I’m not as uptight about finding someone to “complete” me….I complete myself. Maybe you could try taking a dating break like me, and I bet if you show little or no interest, they be knocking down your door too!
— Michelle Pittsburgh, PA 10/06/2009 Reply
About the guy who wants to know why he can’t keep a girl interested, there are a few (perhaps several/many) ways of looking at it, as follows: (1) exactly as you did (i.e., his poor attitude will/is make/making it worse); (2) he is just plain unappealing to the ladies (which may not be his fault because ladies notoriously have lousy judgment when it comes to men); (3) he should count his blessings because at least 1 out of every 2 relationships fail (and half the ones that don’t are miserable); (4) maybe he is too picky and has set the bar too high for himself; and/or (5) he just should learn to like himself and appreciate what he has. I know all this because I’ve sometimes felt the same way he does.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 10/07/2009 Reply
For “Had it with dating”, I think the reader’s suggestion to do some volunteer work may be right on the mark. If he is a genuinely nice guy, he will meet some genuinely nice gals this way. He didn’t say where he meets the women that he dates. He also doesn’t say how he decides which ones to ask out. For example, if he will only date stunningly beautiful women that he meets at parties or in bars, he probably won’t find a good match. He should broaden his horizons and go to the places that the decent looking nice gals go to. This includes community events, sports events, church, bookstores, etc., you get the idea. There are LOTS of young women interested in meeting a nice guy. He just needs to stick with it until he finds the right one, and not get too upset if it takes a while.
— nn from NJ 10/07/2009 Reply
These is late, but I had to respond to Had It. It sounds like you might be a “Nice Guy” instead of a nice guy. What’s the difference? A “nice guy” feels that because he is fairly attractive, employed, and not blatantly rude or abusive, he then deserves attention and companionship from any female he chooses. Women can sense this entitlement a mile away. You’re usually the ones complaining that we must prefer jerks, just because we don’t prefer you. View us as equals who are free to feel or not feel interested, rather than as your automatic reward for not being an a**hole, and you might get further. Trust me, even if you behave towards us, your attitude towards women in general will show through.
— A.M. 10/13/2009 Reply