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Is He Nervous Or Just Not Interested? And...Her Daughter Hates Her Boyfriend
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
DEAR CAT: Recently I’ve reconnected with a college friend who lives out of town but we get together about once a month. He and I have great conversations and it’s very comfortable when weâre together. I know we have feelings for each other but he seems afraid to take it to the next level. There has been no physical contact aside from the usual hug hello and goodbye. He’s taken me to his favorite restaurants and local haunts, and he always pays. Since it doesnât seem like heâll make a move, how do I take this to the next level without scaring him away? We’re both in our early 40s, never married, no children. He’s made side comments about avoiding settling down, but is that just nerves talking? — ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
DEAR ANXIOUS: This is one time when a man says something simple and a woman overthinks it and tries to give it deeper meaning. If a never-married man in his 40s says heâs purposely avoided settling down, he means it. If the comments are qualified with âbecause Iâve been waiting to meet the right person,â thereâs no problem. Sounds like heâs enjoying your rekindled friendship and testing the waters before hopping into bed with a nice woman who clearly wants more than friendship. Heâs old enough to know sex changes everything. Heâs also old enough to know how to make the first move. Catâs Call: Let him.
DEAR CAT: Iâve been dating a wonderful man for five years. My ex-husband and I were friends with this man, his wife, and their extended family, for years. Iâve been divorced for seven years and currently this man is in the process of a divorce. We were never attracted to each other while we were both married but we feel like we were meant for each other. The problem is my 23 year old daughter. She cannot get over the fact that we were all friends for years. She says itâs âgrossâ that Iâm dating someone who was almost like family and she refuses to accept our relationship. She doesnât want him coming to our house and she hangs up on him when he calls. How can I convince her that my happiness is important? â TORN IN TWO
DEAR TORN: Hold on a secondâ¦you said while you âwereâ both married. He is still married – thatâs a salient point in this scenario. Whether or not your daughter realizes it, that fact probably weighs on her. It should weigh on you, too! Sure, at 23yrs old and seven years past her own parentsâ divorce, your daughter is old enough to be told bluntly that your love life and happiness are crucially important and she needs to respect your choices. But I wonder if your story is remotely complete because hanging up on him when he calls is a very hostile action, one that suggests something more is going on. Truth is, there is no real relationship for her to accept until heâs divorced. Focus on getting to the real root of why your daughter shows such extreme animosity to this man. Catâs Call: Zero chance itâs only because he was âa family friend.â
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Yes Cat is right about the first one. Wait for him to make the first move! Guys know they are supposed to anyway.
— Shari, Delaware 10/12/2010 Reply
I agree on the first question that women should let men make “the first move.” On the second question I’m not sure. On the one hand I agree that the daughter is old enough to know she should behave like an adult and respect her mother’s choices. How would she feel if her mother hung up on her boyfriend whenever he calls?? Also though I sense, as Cat does, that her behavior seems unreasonably hostile toward a man the mother has been seeing for years. This is an odd one and unfortunately we don’t have all the information.
— Tom B. 10/12/2010 Reply
My call: I couldn’t agree more with the point “there is no real relationship to consider until he’s divorced.” I am currently separated (amicably) and our divorce will be final within the next few months. I can attest that even during separation there is the ‘shadow’ of the marriage and it is not fair to act like the marriage no longer exists. Cat rightly points out that it DOES exist. Maybe she hopes her parents will reconcile. In this culture of dissolvable marriages we are quick to equate separation with divorced and that is not right. “Torn in Two” could find a man who isn’t still living under that marriage shadow and I bet the daughter would respond more favorably to that relationship.
— KT in PA 10/12/2010 Reply
I see the point you’re making but the courts see separation as different from divorced so the distinction is valid. Sometimes a divorce can go on for years and the people aren’t expected to be celibate hermits during that time, are they?
— Kate 10/12/2010 Reply
I agree with Kate that we do not know enough here to judge, as the new man could have been separated for a long time. I can understand the daughter having a harder time with it if the separation were short; but many divorces take years to occur, especially in Pennsylvania where all of the claims have to generally be settled before you can formally divorce. The courts feel you can date as soon as you separate.
But then,we also do not know enough about how close the daughter may have been to the new boyfriend’s wife. We had family friends that we called “uncle” and “aunt” and it would have been hard, even after reaching adulthood, to see one of my divorced parents dating my “uncle” Jim, so to speak. The mom needs to have some discussions w/ the daughter; but if her daughter acts immature & won’t talk, then I think Mom cannot worry further about it. Mom has to live her own life after all.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 10/12/2010 Reply
Well, Anxious, you definitely should not feel like you have to wait for him to make the move; if you want to make it, make it! What are you guys, a couple of kids at a school dance? Sheesh!
As for Torn, your daughter needs to grow up. It’s probably true that we don’t know all the facts, but if things are as you say, your daughter has to understand that life just doesn’t stand still. Your daughter is 23, and at 23 she has to understand that you still have a life too; and a 23 year old hopefully begins to mature and not simply classify a condition as being “gross.” I know it might be difficult, and maybe you will have to educate your daughter on this, but maturity means using reason, and judgment, and understanding others and their conditions, motivations and needs.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 10/12/2010 Reply
RE: ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
Take the man at face-value, and save sex for the honeymoon.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 10/12/2010 Reply
To Anxious: I sort of agree with Cat, that he should be left to make the first move. But, I wonder if you’re giving him signs that you’re waiting for that move. You might get things going by touching his hand or arm, sitting closer to him when you talk, wearing make-up, hug him longer when you meet and tell him you missed him, tell him he looks good. All the things women do to make it crystal clear (to insecure guys) that they’re on-board for the pending move.
— Mark Freeport 10/14/2010 Reply