Columns
The Recipe For Ending A Friendship & Getting Demoted To "Friend"
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
DEAR CAT: A close friend is no longer speaking to me after two incidents which she insists demonstrate my lack of trust in her. The first incident: She gave me a recipe that called for roasting-then-grinding my own spices. Instead, I substituted jarred ground spices. The second incident: She gave me her recipe for spicy tofu wraps and I planned on serving my avocado salad with ginger dressing with it, but she didnât want me to pair them together. At first I thought she was just being silly. What does the first incident reveal, other than Iâm a lazy cook? I thought the same for the second one. But now I wonder if both incidents point to a larger issue; that I should follow a recipe exactly as it is given, and follow the advice of the person giving it, particularly regarding what to serve as accompaniments? Are these indeed matters of trust, and have I completely missed the point? â JARRED & GROUND
DEAR JARRED: You didnât miss the point, your friend is missing a few screws. To think sheâd all but end a friendship based on your use of already-ground spices is mindboggling. Whatâs worse (if there is a âworseâ) is sheâd lambast you for having the audacity to serve your own salad with her dish. Perish the thought! Iâve never heard of someone so fixated on their own brand of foodie elitism. If a friendship werenât at stake itâd be comical. Actually, itâs still comical. Be thankful youâre getting the silent treatment. Catâs Call: Itâs unlikely she has anything to say thatâs worth hearing.
DEAR CAT: When I was at the hospital for an X-ray, my girlfriend of several years was with me. There were many people in the waiting room and she said she was going to talk to a friend. Then I saw them hugging and kissing, both of them very red in the face. When she finally came back to my side, she was very nervous. A few days later we met the man and his wife at a café. My girlfriend talked to the wife like a long lost friend but she ignored the man. Later on she broke up with me but she wants to remain best friends. After sleeping with someone for years itâs hard to be best friends without benefits. What should I do? I have no idea if they are having an affair, but it still troubles me. â LINGERING DOUBT
DEAR DOUBT: Letâs take a step back. She kissed someone right in front of you andâ¦then what? Oh yes, you all went out to dinner, the scene was awkward and strange, then nothing happened for a while, then she dumped you. I fail to see any âfriendâ material here but perhaps Iâm missing some details. Like, most of them. In the end, you canât get demoted from boyfriend to friend without resentment. And itâs always insulting when someone does you wrong, then asks for friendship. Close relationships are based upon trust, a quality you and your ex have in short supply. What should you do? Remember thisâ¦Catâs Call: Lifeâs too short to have relationships with people you canât trust.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
The first question is plum crazy. The second: What DID happen between the kissing scene at the doctor’s office and the breakup? I like that Cat pointed that out because he left out that whole part of the story. I guess it doesn’t matter because if she kissed someone else in front of him there’s not a whole lot he could do besides break up with her first. Why didn’t he do that? Grrr it’s frustrating not knowing.
— Brad in Pittsburgh 10/19/2010 Reply
Dear Cat, I enjoyed your response to “jarred and ground” and loved the title of the column. I had once asked someone for a recipe only to be lambasted and unfriended. I am enjoying the lack of “friendship” immensely and was taken aback at such a strong reaction but felt she was missing a few screws too. The only sadness is our children are still in contact and it will be awkward at some point. I have the original email request if you would ever like to use it and/or get a laugh. The part of her response where she describes “indebtedness” is particularly humorous especially because I had no idea she had a business selling the item I requested the recipe for.
— Mary D. (aka Totally Sconed!) 10/19/2010 Reply
What separates men from women is only one of them would fight about recipes and it sure as hell aint men.
— T.J. Pgh 10/19/2010 Reply
To “Jarred” – Seriously? This issue is so not about the recipes. It is about control. Food is about love, sharing, and community. If your “friend” cannot share with love then you do not want to eat anything made by her or with her recipes. She is utterly uncivilized and medication mixed in with a wrap would not be a far-fetched option.
— chutney 10/19/2010 Reply
To Jarred: Wow, it is scary to think that there are people in the world that are this crazy, but I have met some of them myself.
To Doubt: Reading your question made me seethe. I think that it is selfish to insist upon a friendship at the end of a relationship in normal circumstances but when you know, or are quite sure that she is cheating on you then it is especially selfish.
I agree with Cat. This woman does not deserve your friendship if she is locking lips with married men behind your back. You have every right to protect your own emotions. Giving her a civil split is more than she deserves. Drop her like a bad habit.
— Brandon 10/19/2010 Reply
These were easy:
First one: She’s a lunatic.
Second one: She’s a floozy.
— Ben - Virginia 10/19/2010 Reply
LOL. “Lunatic and floozy.” I didn’t know what words to call them but now I do!
— Carla NYC 10/19/2010 Reply
I thought the recipe question could be a joke until I remembered a similar situation with two of my own friends: one stopped talking to the other because of a difference in opinion regarding childcare… one was a mother and the other wasn’t. That went on for a long time and all it came down to was a difference of opinion! We all thought she was out going way too far but in her mind she was justified. In this situation the “recipe” friend thinks she’s being disrespected. Some foodies are quite egotistical and guard their recipes like Fort Knox and she thinks she’s been robbed. I shudder to think how she reacts when truly important things are at stake.
— Anne - Steelers Country! 10/20/2010 Reply