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He Won't Date Her Off-Line & Too Cheap To Send A Card
Monday, October 19, 2009
DEAR CAT: After the end of a long-term relationship and a long period of “not dating-while-focusing-on-my-career,” I have jumped into the internet dating pool. I met a nice man on one site, we were to meet for drinks a few weeks ago. On âdate dayâ he had a work emergency and we agreed to reschedule. Since then, weâve continued to email every day (all intelligent, witty and occasionally innuendo laden) and we talk on the phone for at least an hour each time, but he hasnât rescheduled our date. I’m frustrated. If he’s interested, why not reschedule? If he’s not, why is he continuing to email and call? I get the feeling that he may be trying to decide between me and someone else (he continues to log into the dating site, as have I), but I can’t get a read on it. Should I give up and throw in the towel? — NEED TO KNOW
DEAR NEED: Itâs impossible to know why he hasnât met you in person. He certainly sounds interested, but maybe not interested enough to take things off lineâ¦yet. Could he be nervous after all this build-up? Sure. Could he be juggling a few women? Sure. Could he be married? Sure. A big problem with online-only communication (including phone) is people get comfy not having to deal with live interaction and itâs up to you to decide how long youâre willing to wait for one date. Youâre allowed to ask him if he ever intends to meet you, but Iâd wait for him to make a move and keep him as an option while you date around. With very few exceptionsâ¦Catâs Call: When a man really wants to see you, he makes it happen.
DEAR CAT: I know I should let this go and move on but I need an answer to this question. My daughter had a small wedding, among those invited were 1st cousins from another state (4 adults, 2 children). The wedding was on Saturday and they arrived Friday evening expecting dinner. I apologized for having no food, even though they didnât tell me when they would arrive. On Sunday they came to my house for brunch, and again for dinner. That afternoon my daughter opened all the envelopes and the cousins didnât give her a card. On Monday they again came to my house for brunch. I assumed a card would arrive in the mail but even two months later nothing has come. I can’t understand how four working adults with good jobs could do something like this. Is there a rule which says if you come from another state you are not expected to give a card? â PLEASE HELP ME MOVE ON
DEAR MOVE ON: Uhâ¦no. There is no rule exempting out-of-staters from giving wedding cards. Your reaction is understandable but youâre wasting time searching for a complicated explanation. Their behavior has nothing to do with the wherewithal to buy a card, it has only to do with appalling manners and a complete lack of class. Yes, it really is that simple. That knowledge should help you move on andâ¦.Catâs Call: Move them off your next invitation list.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Here’s the thing about the internet dating gal and guy; my hunch is that they are both fairly mature (not excitable teens anymore). With men, some of us eventually become very comfortable in our uncomplicated lives. And some of us love women, and love the idea of a relationship, but then we get a little bit selfish and choose to maintain these illusions we form in our distorted minds. He should meet her, and maybe he wants to meet her, but then I bet he has this little voice inside his head that is putting on the brakes. I think she has to make the first move and make the date, and hopefully he’ll see that reality is better than the illusion and it will all work out. Hate to say it, but she is going to have to push it if she likes him that much.
— carm in pittsburgh 10/20/2009 Reply
I did this before, where you like a woman and you’re all set to meet then something comes up and you don’t get around to rescheduling. One time when I did it it was long distance and all the build-up made it scary as if our finally meeting had to live up to the illusion (eventually we met and it was amazing and two years later we’re planning to get married). If these two are in the same city she should tell him: “we meet or what’s the point?” Or alternatively, not talk to him as much. If he knows he can steer this thing, he will.
— Thomas - pittsburgh 10/20/2009 Reply
Guys – quit being such pussies! It’s time to man up and go after the women you want. Women have become so accustomed to getting disrespected that they’ll settle for anything. “Need To Know” needs to know that. No man should even think about putting off a date with a great woman. In my day you moved on a woman like lightning, otherwise someone else WILL and then you’re out for the count. If I screwed around like these men I wouldn’t be married to the woman of my dreams for 16 years.
— Sandy., philadelphia 10/20/2009 Reply
OMG that is the rudest thing to not send a wedding card to your own cousin! They should be ashamed of themselves.
— T. in pittsburgh 10/20/2009 Reply
My family arrived from a 10 hour drive to come to my son’s wedding…to me the gift was that they cared enough to take off work and make the trip. I put them all up at my house (a duplex by the way and there were 9 of them) and we made do with sleeping bags etc…Of course they expected dinner, they came a long distance to celebrate this union. I included them all in the rehearsal dinner and can’t imagine not doing that..call me crazy but i love my family and friends and they spent time and money to get here to be with us and whatever i could do to make their stay enjoyable then so be it. seems the writer just invited people for the gifts.
— beth in pittsburgh 10/20/2009 Reply
If it was really a work emergency he would have rescheduled the date by now. She shoudl not be hesitant to say “let’s meet already.” Women need to place higher standards on the men they date from the very beginning. Give a guy any wiggle room and he will take it. It’s sad but true most of the time.
— pittsburgh guy 10/20/2009 Reply
The woman in the first question should make the date or walk away. He’ll see her on the dating site and when he’s ready, he’ll ask her out again. The woman in the second question does need to move on. I disagree with Beth in Pittsburgh how she’s only “looking for gifts” from wedding invitees. That’s insane. When you invite people to your wedding and go all out for the occassion, good manners say you at least say thank-you to the host!
— Clara, Baltimore 10/20/2009 Reply
In the first question, I think the guy might have hooked up with someone else. Depending on the site, the guys either are looking to “hook up” or find a “soul mate.”
You know the saying: Men want sex. Women want love. Not to paint everyone with a broad brush, but often it’s true. If she’s not buttering his bread, maybe someone else is. I say it’s time for her to move on. He’s not the only single guy on this planet. If he’s truly interested, he’ll make the effort.
Regarding the cousins, we give family a long leash. Too long, at times. Eat, drink, be merry. See you at the next wedding or funeral. (It was rude of them not to at least spend a few dollars on a card.)
— Mike, Downtown 10/20/2009 Reply
In the first question, I think the guy might have hooked up with someone else. Depending on the site, the guys either are looking to “hook up” or find a “soul mate.”
You know the saying: Men want sex. Women want love. Not to paint everyone with a broad brush, but often it’s true. If she’s not buttering his bread, maybe someone else is. I say it’s time for her to move on. He’s not the only single guy on this planet. If he’s truly interested, he’ll make the effort.
Regarding the cousins, we give family a long leash. Too long, at times. Eat, drink, be merry. See you at the next wedding or funeral. (It was rude of them not to at least spend a few dollars on a card.)
— Mike, Pittsburgh 10/20/2009 Reply
I agree with Beth about the wedding. If I read this correctly, the 4 working adult cousins all took off Friday and Monday from work to go to this wedding, not to mention whatever their travel expense was, plus the expenses for the two kids. This probably far exceeds the cost of the meals that they consumed while they were visiting, and also probably exceeds the amount that local folks spent on the wedding. I think that when people take off from work and travel a long distance for a wedding, that is much more of a gift than a gift card.
— nn from NJ 10/25/2009 Reply
Cat, I enjoy your column and you commonsense! I want to try a new way of looking at the wedding problem. After all, it isn’t really about the gifts, is it? Maybe the person who wrote would find it easier to move on if she focused on being grateful. For example, these people traveled a distance to be part of her daughter’s joyful day. Surely she didn’t want them to eat at restaurants when her own hospitality was only a doorbell away? How wonderful that they gave their time to attend the wedding and keep the family bonds close. And, believe it or not, they need a thank you note from the bride that indicates her pleasure in their attendance.
— Terry Owens, Crafton PA 10/26/2009 Reply