Columns
Her Friend Called Marriage "A Sham" & When Money Tests A Family's Trust
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
DEAR CAT: Since we got married four years ago my husband and I have almost divorced several times. I wonât bother with the details because now weâve decided to really make it work. The problem is one of my friends obviously doesnât see it that way. I invited her to our big âreconciliation partyâ and she declined without giving a reason. I knew she wouldnât be traveling or anything so I urged her for an explanation. She finally said, âI just have no respect for your marriage. Itâs a sham.â I was shocked and told her she had no right to pass judgment on my marriage. She was so supportive of me during all our problems but now all of a sudden sheâs turned on me, right when I need her most! Isnât âsupportâ part of a friendâs job? I feel very hurt and abandoned by her. â FICKLE FRIEND
DEAR F.F.: Sounds like sheâs had it with your marital drama. Yes, she could have found a less hurtful explanation for declining your invitation but maybe she tried that route and you pushed for the truth. I know if I invited a dear friend to a party and she declined without a reason, Iâd assume something was up and let it go. As for the requirements of a friendâs âjob,â theyâre not set in stone and often ebb and flow as a friendship changes. I suspect (perhaps unfairly) that youâve pushed the bounds of the friendship and sheâs just plain tired of having to be there for every high and low. In the end, whether your marriage is terrific or awfulâ¦.Catâs Call: Itâs your job to defend, celebrate and support it, not your friendâs.
DEAR CAT: Recently my father’s wealthy, elderly aunt and uncle (my âgreatsâ) have been in ill health. Since we’re very close, they appointed me their Medical P.O.A. My father hasn’t had much interaction with them for the last decade but, after hearing theyâre in poor health, he and my stepmother took their kids and âpaid a visit.â Honestly, I question their intentions and Iâm now afraid to keep them in the loop about my aunt and uncle’s health because I don’t want them pestering these sick, elderly people. Am I wrong to keep them in the dark? —NOT IN IT FOR THE MONEY
DEAR NOT: Money does funny things to people and appointing yourself judge and jury of your fatherâs sensibilities is risky. You are not obligated to keep him up-to-date on the health status of his aunt and uncle but thatâs different than purposely keeping him in the dark. See the difference? Of course thereâs a chance he and your stepmother are trying to ingratiate themselves but, on the flip side, just because heâs had little interaction with them doesnât mean their ill health hasnât spurred a desire to spend time with them while he still can. Iâve seen it play out both ways. Your gut instinct probably isnât wrong but perhaps your intentions arenât perfectly honorable either. I canât know, I can only ask you thisâ¦.Catâs Call: If you heard that an elderly aunt was sick, would you be wrong for visiting her?
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My call: I’m sorry but women like “Fickle” make me crazy. Okay so she admits to leaning on her friend for the entire length of her terrible marriage but now that things are great she says she needs her friend the most? You’re married honey, that means your husband is your #1 lean-on person. What kind of “support” do you need so much now that everything is so great? I bet the other people on the guest list are just as sick of the drama but they’re coming for the free food and booze. I’m sorry if you’re a nice person and I’m missing something but there’s a tone to your letter that makes me think that’s not the case. Like referring to friendship as a job. Good luck with everything.
— Candace, Pittsburgh 10/26/2010 Reply
I understand there is a necessity to abbreviate messages, especially when they are a little lengthy, for the purpose of the column. I disagree with the decision to exclude the information in my question related to my grandmother passing away and the anger vehemently voiced by my step-mother that her children weren’t included in the small sums of money given to my father (a larger sum than the rest of us), my adult brother, my adult first cousin, and me out of her estate by the executor (not as part of a will). Please note my father also got her brand new car which they still drive, and she paid off some of their credit card debt in the last year she was alive. The kids were 1 and 4 at the time, so according to the executor he felt giving a couple thousand dollars to the kids would in essence be giving even more money to my father and step-mother which he didn’t think was equitable. Yes, he could have decreased what he gave my dad and “gave” money to the kids, but that’s semantics. If she hadn’t made such a big deal out of this incident, I wouldn’t have second thoughts about their intentions now. But I have a precedent to go on, hence my worries.
And just for the record, I had a durable POA set up with an outside third party just so I couldn’t be accused of trying to siphon any of their money, and I don’t know what their will says, so I’d argue that my intentions are clear.
— The Great Nephew, Pittsburgh 10/26/2010 Reply
Whining about selfish stepmothers is very cliché, and quite frankly, sounds like a personal family matter.
For Cat: Next time, consider a little more thorough editing job – right off the column, and into the recycle bin…..
— Ben - Virginia 10/26/2010 Reply
Dear “Great Nephew”….
Iâm sorry if you think I was wrong to exclude some information from your question – youâre right the omission was for lengthâs sake, youâre wrong that the information was particularly relevant. I take great care putting together every column. Not only must I edit questions for lengthâs sake, I also have to edit (i.e. shorten) my advice, which often means leaving out the logic trail of how I come to my conclusions.
So here it is: Just because your stepmother was angry when your grandmother neglected to give her children any money outright doesnât mean you should worry that she and your father might steal from his aunt and uncle. Your stepmother could be the greediest hag on earth but that doesnât mean your fatherâs intentions are any less honorable. The fact remains, if your grandmother gave money to all the kids in your generation except the stepmotherâs children, that is not an equitable distribution. Anyone could understand how that action would elicit anger in your stepmother. Iâm not defending her, Iâm merely saying she has a perspective in this, too.
As for your own intentions toward your great aunt and uncle, I didnât question them, I simply made the point that just because you are medical P.O.A. doesnât automatically make you a saint. Just as one visit from your fatherâs family doesnât automatically mean theyâre on the hunt for dough. Hope this was helpful!
— Cat 10/26/2010 Reply
Cat: Your “logic trail” is very interesting to me. You are very analytical, it’s too bad you must shorten your answers/logic/advice (having worked in the newspaper world I understand the need to do so) because your reasoning is extremely sensible. I for one would like to see you post comments here more frequently.
— John in SoCal 10/27/2010 Reply
I agree with everything Candace said above, and will add this – While I respect their decision to make every effort to save their marriage (although it sounds as though it might be a futile effort), who in the world throws a big “reconciliation party”, which can only serve to draw even more attention to the fact that their marriage was a proverbial train wreck and huge mistake to begin with? Doesn’t make sense to me….
— Ben - Virginia 10/26/2010 Reply
I think I would rather swallow a lightbulb than go to a “reconciliation party.” What does one do at such a soiree? What activities could one possibly plan or want to participate in. Will they literally get up in front of the crowd and thank everyone for supporting their reconicliation? Will they make heart shaped cookies with candy bandages?
I cannot imagine why anyone would throw a party with such an uncomfortable subject. I can’t blame her friend for not wanting to attend. The only way that I would attend was if I was dragged.
— Brandon 10/28/2010 Reply
I agree with Fickle: the world has, does now, and ever will, revolve around her. Shame on her friend for not doing her job as Fickle’s worshiping Plebe.
As for Not In It, we simply don’t know enough about him or her, and/or the rest of the family.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 10/26/2010 Reply
A reconciliation party? Is nothing personal anymore? I understand her friend’s outlook completely! Really, what is the etiquette for such an event? Everyone puts everything they think and feel right out there anymore. It just amazes me ………. sounds to me like if it were a true reconciliation, they would be concentrating on each other and their relationship, not parties and what others think.
— A.W. (Pittsburgh) 10/26/2010 Reply
I’m with A.W. on this. Having a rocky marriage is a very personal issue. Yes, friends should be there to help you through it, but in the end, it’s up to you and your spouse to work it out or not. Having a big party to celebrate the “reconciliation” is anything but that… it’s an excuse for a party, and it’s forcing friends from both sides of the support system to get together on a pretext that isn’t their business to discuss amongst themselves. I’d really find better excuses for parties myself.
In any case, you’re detailing a marriage that’s been so troubled, it’s almost ended in divorce many times in its short span. Your friend is probably concerned that this latest round of reconciliation will end in another hurt episode for you, and probably does not want to be thrust into this party where she’d be made to blurt her feelings to more than just you (see again: why would you have a personal issue as a party?)
It honestly sounds to me like she’s a much better friend than she’s being given credit for being protective, and honest.. and knowing when it’s a bad idea to show up.
— Gwen, Pittsburgh 10/26/2010 Reply
My call....I couldn’t agree more. I would love to see the alleged “fickle friend” comment on the reconciliation. I imagine her rolling her eyes thinking “how many times have I seen THIS before???” She probably has been an excellent friend and Miss Party Thrower needs to learn that having friends does not mean they must ride the highest peaks and lowest lows of every emotional roller coaster with you. Great call on this one Cat.
— Sarah, Pgh 10/26/2010 Reply
To “Fickle Friend” – Asking your friends to attend a “reconciliation party” is a terrible idea. This is a private matter between you and your husband. It is even less attractive when you have had several brushes with divorce, because your credibility is less. Celebrate just the two of you – it’s smarter all the way around. If I was invited to such a party, I know I would prefer to go have some dental work done. Sounds like you need to practice putting yourself in other folks’ shoes.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 10/26/2010 Reply
To Nancy: Not sure I agree that just because a couple comes close to divorce means their credibility is shot. In this case we happen to know about it but think about how many couples want, discuss or even start to take divorce action without others knowing about it. If those couples invited you to a party you’d go, even if they fight all the time or whatever. However that was very funny what you said about preferring dental work to their party.
— John in SoCal 10/26/2010 Reply
Cat,
With regards to F.F.âs 4 year marriage – you donât ‘call’ them wrong too often but at the same time I am not sure if you just tried to be nice and make a point between the lines. From what was published it seems to me that the friend is aware that the husband is a scumbag in some way (es. cheater, maybe even with her) and resents her friend for being too weak to either figure that out (key word is sham). That, or the friend is just straight fed up with dealing with her problems for all this time just to now hear about a reconciliation party. And, by the way, who does a reconciliation party?
Besides, with the way she writes about her predicament two things are obvious: 1) She has contemplated divorce and has surely told her friend any number of times âI should divorce him.â This is a typical overreaction. Either you do it or you donât. There is no such thing as almost divorced and then âreally tryingâ, less very particular cases of misunderstandings like – wife finds a photo of husband kissing girl (on the cheek). Wife is a jealous lover and unforgiving so therefore becomes enraged and would even go as far as divorce if the husband cannot explain his actions. In the meantime, the husband is stuck by lighting and is in a coma and cannot clear up the matter. After 2 weeks the wife is filing divorce papers when the husband awakes and declares that the picture is from 8 years ago and the girl was his cousin on this motherâs side who lives in New Zealand and it was her birthday. Although a really stupid example, that is almost divorced.. 2) The couple will either be divorced in the very near future or suffer an up and down marriage until someone dies.
You are probably right that the wife has pushed the bounds, but probably more like âpushedâ = âbrokenâ and âboundsâ = âballsâ. And in a future analogous situation in which you get a letter like hers please tell the inquirer that he/she is naïve and even stupid for thinking that marriage and divorce is like choosing a soup or a salad.
— Attentive Reader in Procrastinative Mood 10/26/2010 Reply
Wow â I think you need to consider throttling back on the caffeine a bit…
— Ben - Virginia 10/26/2010 Reply
LOL Ben. I got lost with the soup or salad comment but I thoroughly enjoyed the rest.
— TK in New York 10/26/2010 Reply
Seems like there is a big melee out there. Great Nephew calling out Cat; Cat fighting back; Ben mixing it up with everyone; and Attentive Reader rambling about god knows what! I have to repeat, we should all stop trying to evaluate right from wrong, and just worship Fickle, as she expects and deserves, as we shuffle on over to the Reconciliation Parteeeee!.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 10/26/2010 Reply
Funny stuff, Carm.
Hey folks – Sorry if I’ve come off a little short tempered and impatient this week – it’s election season, and all of those political ads have my nerves frayed….
— Ben - Virginia 10/27/2010 Reply
just kidding about the melee. not about Fickle; she’s the best. I hope the reconciliation fails so I can get a turn at that.
— carm in pittsburgh 10/30/2010 Reply
A reconciliation party. Another great RomCom movie idea!
— Jason - Pittsburgh 10/27/2010 Reply