Columns
Is He A Workaholic Or Just Avoiding Her? And She Helped Her Friend Without Any Thanks
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
DEAR CAT: Iâve been dating a man for about four months and I have come to the conclusion that either he is a workaholic or he wants me to think he is one. We have an incredible connection and we communicate via email or phone almost every day but we rarely see each other. He always has some work excuse and Iâve started to not believe him anymore. I should mention that we live in different cities, but in the same state. Donât get me wrong, I know itâs hard to succeed but is it normal to never see the woman youâre dating? Heâs very romantic in his words and tells me all the time how much he misses me but itâs gotten to the point that I resent it when he says that! I am in love with him and I donât want to end it, but it canât go on like this. Your call? — MISS ME? PROVE IT.
DEAR MISS: Itâs sad but true, some jobs actually require an insane number of hours. If thatâs the case with your beau, you must sit down (in person!) and talk honestly about what it bodes for your relationship. On the other hand, you suspect heâs faking it and thatâs a much bigger problem. Why would he avoid seeing you but still contact you all the time? Is he so insecure that he feels the need to âupâ his job in your eyes? Iâm sure these and other questions are plaguing you and thereâs only one thing to do: talk to him! And remind him what too many workaholics forget or realize too lateâ¦Catâs Call: At the end of the day, your job will never kiss you goodnight.
DEAR CAT: An out-of-state friend asked friends on her Myspace page to participate in her sonâs school fundraiser. She posted it Thursday night and I made my order on Friday. Afterward I let my friend know the dollar amount. The next week she texted me at 10 pm to ask how many items I ordered. I go to bed at 9pm and her text woke me up. I emailed her the next day with my item count and a polite request not to contact me so late. She apologized for waking me and added that the order didnât matter because her son didnât sell enough to win some prize. I was disgusted with her attitude, she never even thanked me! What should I do? — THE ONE WHO MAKES THE EFFORT
DEAR ONE: With all the bad manners in the world, itâs a wonder anyone gets along. What should you do? Absolutely nothing. You were trying to help her kid and âthank youâ should have been her first words within a day of your order. Yes, sometimes people lose their manners when they get wrapped up in their own little worlds, but thatâs no excuse, itâs merely an explanation. As such, this situation doesnât merit starting a fight with your friend, or even a discussion. It was one blip on the bad manner radar and you shouldnât lose sleep over it. Not to worryâ¦Catâs Call: Sheâll wake you up again after her sonâs next bake sale.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I do admire the advice Cat gave here (it’s always good to give people the benefit of the doubt), but I also have a couple of suggestions. For “Miss Me? Prove It.,” my gut tells me that your man really needs to be questioned about your future together, and you should not be so head over heals until he gives you reason to be. And for “The One Who Makes the Effort,” I think your friend was so rude that she maybe should be told about your concern and the reasons for it: here’s why; this cycle of people being so self-centered and ill mannered is going to continue unless people are taught right from wrong, maybe one person, one incident at a time. Good Luck to both of you!
— carm in pittsburgh 10/27/2009 Reply
The second question made me mad, not your answer Cat but the ungrateful friend’s behavior. The woman deserves a thank-you but ooooh noooo that would be too hard for busy mommy because the world revolves around her son, and her friends are expected to hop to it with anything he needs. I agree that she’d be wasting her time to bring up the subject with the ingrate. As long as she’s “connected” to this woman on Facebook she’s going to be dealing with this kind of stuff, because you know the next time her son has somthing going on, up goes the post on the Facebook page and what friend will have the guts to say no?
— A. in Pittsburgh 10/27/2009 Reply
To “Miss Me?”: If you don’t see your man very often, assume he won’t see you because he always CAN.
— TB 10/27/2009 Reply
Women don’t understand what work is like for men. Before female readers here get worked up thinking it’s a sexist comment it has to do with the pressure on men to provide for the women they’re with. It is possible to love a woman and not have any time if you want to succeed at your job. Okay he should take time to explain that to her and she doesn’t have to wait around for him but in a few years would she rather have a guy who pushed it and got ahead or a guy who went soft and makes just enough to pay the rent?
— Tom, NYC 10/27/2009 Reply
The second question in today’s column is one of the ‘hazards’ of online networking sites. I’m on Facebook and I do like it, but I have also had instances like the woman in the column and you can’t say no to helping out someone’s kid’s school, right? I mean you technically can but the guilt, the guilt!! LOL. Cat I am pretty sure you are not on Facebook or myspace and maybe this is why! I follow you on twitter though :) Good column today.
— Sarah, Pgh 10/27/2009 Reply
Is it normal never to see the woman you are dating? Absolutely not! This guy has married (or at least another woman) written all over him.
Dating is an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.
Any guy romantically interested in you will drive or fly as far as it takes to see you. If he is not doing that nor inviting you to his place, then you are not dating and he is not worth another day of your time.
— Dawn in Pittsburgh 10/27/2009 Reply
Cat—love to read your column from afar. I’d like to add a comment about the friend who was miffed that her friend didn’t thank her for purchasing something from her son’s school fundraiser (the Mom requested this on HER Myspace.) I know, I’m not a parent, therefore self-righteous by default in giving advice to “real” parents, but shouldn’t the kid be the one fund-raising? We are teaching our kids by example. What I would take away from that as a kid is either I didn’t have to lift a finger to win a contest because my Mom would do it for me or my Mom didn’t think I was capable to win, so she did it instead. Get with it parents….your kids should compete with other kids and parents should show support NOT do it for them.
— Janet, San Francisco 10/27/2009 Reply
@ Tom, NYC: Women donât understand what work is like for men. Before female readers here get worked up thinking itâs a sexist comment it has to do with the pressure on men to provide for the women theyâre with.
Oh, please. That IS a BS sexist comment because it implies that we don’t work and can’t take care of ourselves. For all you know, Miss Me makes more than he does and has no need for his money.
Any man who still believes he has to work to take care of his woman because she can’t hack it is a Neanderthal.
We work too. We know perfectly well what the workplace is like—it’s far harder on women than it is on men, especially if you have a family.
Anyway, I agree with the poster who says he could be married. If he’s not married, he just doesn’t care enough to make the time for your relationship. A long distance relationship can only work if both partners are willing to make the time for each other. It takes work, a lot of it, even more than a normal relationship. If one partner is slacking, it’s not going to work. Miss Me needs to have a talk with him. If he puts her off or keeps making excuses, she needs to dump him. Now. Don’t spend months or years with a man who can’t even be bothered to find time for you. There are too many men out there to waste your time on one who just doesn’t care enough to do what needs to be done.
— Katie, Pittsburgh, PA 10/27/2009 Reply
I definitely see where Katie in Pittsburgh is coming from but I see Tom in NYC’s position too. Katie a woman wants to know a man can support her. It’s not sexist, it’s reality because if a woman gets pregnant no matter how independent she is, she will need help for a little while. Plus it’s obvious because “Miss Me?” is still holding out hope for this man. Because he is so busy some part of her likes that trait about him. Even if she makes 3x the money he makes, his work hard ethic is a turn on for her whether or not she realizes it.
— Sammy in CA 10/27/2009 Reply
You know, I have to take a different approach to Tom, NYC: I feel sorry for Tom. Yes, poor, poor, Tom. I can see him there sitting at his desk in the Big Apple slaving away, sweat running down the sides of his face, working relentlessly . . . and for what? So he can walk in the front door and hand over cash, jewels, fancy cars, and lavish dinners to his woman who sits leasurely poolside while being fed grapes by Armondo the pool boy . . . ahh, yes, poor, poor Tom.
— MCC, Pittsburgh 10/27/2009 Reply
Personally, I think that the man is either married or involved with someone else. If he truly wanted to be with her, AND he was single, he would attempt to do so – at the very least on Sundays. A friend of mine was in this same situation and she came to find out that he was involved in a long-term relationship. There is a reason he’s not trying.
— Jennifer, Pittsburgh 10/27/2009 Reply
He’s married………..or living with someone.
— Michael, Pittsburgh 10/27/2009 Reply
There is a HUGE possibility that he is in some form of relationship with another woman, OR he is an online serial dater and juggling several long distance women with the same fictional job rhetoric, OR he is one of those guys that doesn’t want to be alone and is using you to feel connected to another person with phone call and texts, but doesn’t want a real commitment either. Talking to him may help, but only if the job story is true and he genuinely cares about your feelings. If things don’t change pronto, move on and don’t look back.
— Michelle in Pittsburgh 10/27/2009 Reply
If you don’t want someone to wake you at 10:00 PM (or any time really), then don’t sleep with your cell phone in your room or even nearby in case you are a light sleeper!
The friend might have had a bad attitude, but since THE ONE knows her, she should also know if this is her attitude in general or if maybe she was just having a bad day. She was probably just miffed that her friend had to scold her for sending a text message at, gasp, 10:00 PM.
— Babs - Philadelphia 10/27/2009 Reply
To “Miss Me,” I think it’s time to move on, painful as it might seem. He hasn’t demonstrated any excessive affection for her, other than the somewhat disingenuous claim of missing you. If he really missed you, he would take a week’s vacation and spend time with you.
Plus, do you really want to be involved with a workaholic when job will always be No. 1 and you will always be No. 2? Think about that. Charles Dickens wrote about such a workaholic. I believe his name was Ebeneezer Scrooge.
— Mike, Downtown 10/27/2009 Reply
Okay; after reading the other comments by the other readers I just have to say, none of us actually (and I mean truly) know the facts of why Miss Me’s long distance “boyfriend” is so shy to meet her in person. We can all speculate and say “he’s married, or has a girl on every web site,” but all that is just speculation; I’m not willing to go that far. She definitely has to find out what the reason is (true love is not a good thing to gamble away); she shouldn’t guess at his reason or believe all us numbskulls who say we actually know his reason. Do your due diligence Miss Me; and don’t be discouraged no matter what you find out.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 10/27/2009 Reply
For “The One Who Makes the Effort”….I’m so mad I can’t even see straight.
This person would no longer be my friend after what I would have said to her.
Cat’s Call though is the high road and the way to go. I just can’t believe that people can be so rude!
Unbelievable!!!!
— Debbie, Mt. Lebanon 10/27/2009 Reply
Why would someone date someone you cannot expect to see very often? Seems like all work and no play.
Why would someone be friends with someone who wanted to win one of those fundraising prizes?
— tim in NY 10/27/2009 Reply
Different cities, but the same state? That really doesn’t tell me how close they are to each other. Waynesburg and Scranton are both cities in PA, but it’s a good 5.5 hour drive. Does she offer to make the drive or is he always expected to go to her?
I feel as though her letter was carefully worded to garner sympathy without really giving the true facts.
— Kathy 10/27/2009 Reply