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Judging A Friend's Flaws & Rethinking A Breakup
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
DEAR CAT: Tell me if I’m being too judgmental or if I’m justified in my stance. My friend says he’s into the environment, and he gives money and volunteers time to those types of causes. However, he does hypocritical things, such as driving short distances when he could easily walk or bicycle and smoking cigarettes. He’s somewhat overweight and he frequently eats at fast-food places (the kind that denude forests around the world). I am so frustrated with the hypocrisy of this behavior that it’s affecting my friendship with him. I’m not saying I’m perfect (who is?), but this really bothers me. Can I say something to him? — JUDGMENTAL OR JUSTIFIED?
DEAR J.O.J: You are both judgmental and justified, and you’re allowed to say anything you want. But you seem more concerned about your own sensibilities rather than his impact on the environment. That’s not a crime; it’s an important distinction he’d probably raise if you speak up. As you said, you’re not perfect either (nobody is), so instead of thinking about what he does wrong, focus on what he does right. Would you be 100 percent happy if he moved off the grid, built a home of eco-clean materials powered only by solar and wind, and became an organic vegan who grows all his own food and walks or bicycles everywhere? Probably not, because he’d still be imperfect or hypocritical in some way. And so would you. And thank goodness! Bottom line, most people know they are hypocrites. Cat’s Call: Your friendship won’t benefit from you pointing out the obvious.
DEAR CAT: I’m wondering if I should contact a guy who broke up with me. We had tons of fun together while we went out, but he had a communication problem, i.e. trouble expressing his feelings. I really didn’t express mine either and felt I wasn’t myself. I didn’t want to push him away or go too fast. He broke up with me, saying we are at different places in our lives and he wanted more time together. I was so dumbfounded and sad that I didn’t know what to say. After thinking about it, maybe I should have expressed myself more and told him how I felt. Then he might have known I really liked him and wanted to see him more. Should I contact him to let him know how I felt or just move on? — 20/20 HINDSIGHT
DEAR 20/20: If you want to get back together, absolutely contact him! If you simply feel guilty, don’t bother. When you’re unaccustomed to expressing your feelings it can be hard to do so even under breakup fire. Don’t rake yourself over the coals; learn from it and move forward. Despite mutual hesitancy, he finally told you exactly what he wanted: more time together. If you want the same thing, he’d want to hear it. That admission would clear the air, erase confusion and hurt feelings, and you two could take a step forward. Yes, there’s a chance it’s already too late. But just in case it’s not…Cat’s Call: If you still miss him, he probably misses you, too.
