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Is Her Engagement More Important Than Her Friendship? And....Surprise, You're Meeting The Parents!
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
DEAR CAT: My friend’s main focus in life is to be married and the only thing she talks about is her boyfriend. Iâve been very supportive of her relationship and I wish her the best, but it’s difficult to continue this friendship because it’s rather one sided. Currently my goals are career-oriented and she is not as supportive of my aspirations as I am of her dreams to be married. Last weekend I learned that I passed a second bar exam and I was looking forward to celebrating. I was so disappointed when my friend did not say even one congratulatory word about my accomplishment. Instead I spent the weekend hearing about her plans to get engaged this year. In my life passing a bar exam is as important of a milestone as getting engaged. She would be devastated if she got engaged and I did not celebrate. How can I explain this to her? Are my priorities so out of line that this would be hard for non-lawyers to understand? — BAR GIRL
DEAR BAR: Your friend doesnât need a law degree to appreciate your accomplishment, she needs to care about someone other than herself. Your respective aspirations arenât even relevant. Whatâs relevant is a gross lack of support on her part to the extent that youâre considering ending the friendship. Thereâs only one solution: get married before she does and make her a bridesmaid. Ha! Just kidding. Make your case to her. I have no doubt you are capable of explaining that the friendship is unbalanced and you donât see it surviving without greater reciprocity. If the friendship is strong enough, sheâll hear you, and do something about it. By the wayâ¦Catâs Call: Congratulations!
DEAR CAT: Without discussing it with me first, my boyfriend told his parents that weâre going to their house for Thanksgiving. Iâve always gone to my parentsâ for the holiday but this year theyâre going away and my boyfriend saw that as the prime opportunity for me to finally meet his family. He meant it as a nice surprise but Iâm freaking out. If I say no heâll think I donât want to meet his family. I do want to meet them, but not for the first time on such a huge holiday. Couldnât we just have brunch with them first? Isnât that normal? This is so much pressure. What can I do? — HELP ME OUT OF THIS
DEAR HELP: Donât worry, eventually every couple faces this hurdle and countless halves of those couples have felt your kind of freak-out. Meeting his family for the first time – over Thanksgiving – puts a lot of pressure on you but the good news is, thatâs the only downside. That means if you have the right perspective, itâs not so scary. You want to meet them, your boyfriend wants you to meet them, and obviously they want to meet you. Translation: this is a good thing! Yes, your boyfriend put you in the awkward position of having to say yes, but his motivation is sweet. Iâm sure years from now youâll look back fondly at the holiday weekend. If Iâm wrong about thatâ¦.Catâs Call: Blame your boyfriend.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
No joke Cat, I spilled some of my coffee from laughing when you told her to get married before her friend does. Classic. I know you were kidding but that was really funny.
On the second question I’m not sure she should go. I’d be very upset if my boyfriend made a big plan like that without asking me. I agree his motivation is sweet but it’s also kind of manipulative. Like he’s asked her to meet them before and she always says no, but now she can’t say no or she’ll look bad to his whole family. I like the ‘call’ though!
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 11/02/2010 Reply
For the second one go meet the family. Sure it was crazy silly for the BF to not discuss it first but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume it was his excitement and not a manipulation. To put it into perspective I had been dating my now DH for about two weeks, when I met his whole family at a surprise 30th birthday party for him. At the time only one or two friends knew that we were dating and they invited me to the surprise party because his sister that was putting it together didn’t know about me yet. The thing about a big deal like the birthday party or Thanksgiving is that it is pretty easy to do small talk and then if you find an annoying person (every family has them) you can move on to a new person or in the case of Thanksgiving fall in love with football for the day. Or go outside for a walk etc, plenty of ways to take a breather.
— WES, MA 11/02/2010 Reply
As for the question about meeting your boyfriends parents at Thanksgiving, it appears that your boyfriend was just excitied that he would be able to share the holiday with you since your family was not going to be there. As for meeting his family on a holiday, I think it’s a little easier than a seperate meeting. His parents are hosting the dinner therefore will be a little preoccupied. You can relax and get to see the interaction in his family and not be “drilled” on questions as you might if you met his parents for brunch. Take a nice apple pie or bottle of wine to dinner and enjoy the company.
— Ally- Pittsburgh 11/02/2010 Reply
To the GF.
I was dating my then BF for about 2 weeks – when his Mom traveled 400 miles “just for a visit.” He had 2 days notice, so he told me that he’d see me after the weekend.
Well – things didn’t work out that way. Mom got to town at 6 pm on Thursday, and I had a phone call at 6:15 from BF “hi, do you want to join us for dinner?” me: “when”, him: in 10 minutes.(!!!!)
We are married for 30 years now.
Just chill.
You are in a perfect win-win situation. There is so much to do, and that eliminates the awkwardness. Just answer that you’d love to come, you’re bringing _______ dish plus whatever else/instead Mom would like you to bring, and ask her what time should you arrive so that you can help out.
She’s nervous too! This will break the ice.
good luck!
— been there 11/02/2010 Reply
To Been There,
What a nice story. Think how different things could have turned out if you had time to over-think it like the woman in the question. Congratulations on three decades of happy marriage!
— G 11/02/2010 Reply
Thanksgiving is a great time to meet the parents. There will be a mob scene and there won’t be a lot of pressure. I met my in-laws over 20 years ago on Thanksgiving weekend and vice-versa since we visited both families. EVERYONE in the in-law family showed up that weekend, including 6 adult cousins and their families, and I was a little overwhelmed by trying to remember the names, but it worked out fine.
— PB from NY 11/02/2010 Reply
Enjoyed the column and both calls from Cat.
— carm in pittsburgh 11/02/2010 Reply
Why is the obvious so hidden? Today is November 3rd. If you don’t want to meet the parents over a big holiday like Thanksgiving, you still have three weeks to do it on your own terms. Get in the car with the BF and go over there!
— Brandon, Conneaut Lake 11/03/2010 Reply