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The Right To Choose (To Stay Together) & Wife Stays Mum About Mom-In-Law
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
DEAR CAT: Iâve been dating my girlfriend for about three months. Recently we had an argument pop up out of nowhere and I donât know if our relationship can (or should) get past it. We fought about a womanâs âright to choose.â Weâve been sleeping together for a while and I assumed she feels the same as I do, which is pro-choice, but turns out she is very anti-choice. We didnât even argue about the law or womenâs rights. She got all worked up and said she was appalled that if she got pregnant, Iâd be âjust fineâ with her terminating the pregnancy of our child. I told her that is a terrible and incorrect assumption of my position. I tried to explain that I just respect the freedom of choice in general. Can you see any way for us to compromise about this? I canât see it and Iâm not even sure I want to. â SET IN MY POSITION
DEAR SET: There is always a way to compromise but both people have to be willing to do so. That means more than agreeing to disagree, then walking out in a huff whenever the subject comes up. It means 1) respecting your partnerâs right to hold a different viewpoint, 2) acknowledging the other viewpoint as legitimate even though you donât agree with it, and 3) accepting the consequences of your own actions and lifeâs unpredictability. Are you strong enough as a couple to handle real-world problems? Do you fully understand each otherâs expectations? These are questions any mature, sexually active couple should be able to answer. If you canât, or donât want to do thatâ¦.Catâs Call: You shouldnât be together.
DEAR CAT: My mother-in-law and I have hated each other since we first met. She is the biggest b-word in the world and I know she feels the same about me. But thatâs not the problem here! Iâve learned to live with her in my world because I love my husband, but the problem is, he has no idea how I feel. He only knows she doesnât like me (because she doesnât have enough class to keep quiet as I have.) He is a very good, kind man with the typical male obliviousness. In a way I feel like Iâve been lying to him by keeping my feelings about his mother a secret all this time. I could continue like this, just to keep the peace, but it doesnât feel right. Do you think I should tell him? — PEACEKEEPER
DEAR PEACE: Your husband is not oblivious. Heâs unwilling, uninterested, and probably deathly afraid of getting in the middle of the battle between you and his mother. Youâve never badmouthed her but sheâs spoken plenty ill of you. Do you think your husband is fool enough to assume you adore his mother despite being loathed by her? That said, thereâs nothing to gain by saying, âdarling, your mother is a _____ (fill in the blank.)â Your silence isnât a lie, itâs a testament to the class your mother in law doesnât possess. But on the remote chance he truly is unaware Catâs Call: If you need to point out the obvious, it wonât make him less oblivious.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My call for the first question: This might be Cat’s best call, period. I had a rant several pages long running in my head before I even read the answer and it was summed up perfectly here. My call for the second question: You will gain nothing by telling your husband how much you despise his mother. What’s the point? What would you gain? I understand wanting to vent it but even if she’s the bitch of the universe your husband probably already knows it but it’s his mother and nobody wants to hear bad things about their mother. PS, I hope he defends you when she says mean things about you.
— Christie, Pgh 11/09/2010 Reply
Sorry Cat I disagree BIG TIME on your first answer. No compromise can be possible between them. It shows how immature they are that they’ve been sleeping together and calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend before knowing this about each other. They should end it and move on. On the second question I AGREE big time. Peacekeeper will never get anywhere by making the situation more bitter by badmouthing her mother in law. I’ve seen this happen before.
— Shannon (Pittsburgh) 11/09/2010 Reply
I have to say about the first question, it’s not about abortion. It’s about people realizing something before it’s too far down the road. He should follow his instincts. If he doesn’t want to definitely continue the relationship now, he won’t want to later.
— Greg, South Hills 11/09/2010 Reply
Set in my Position- We only know your side, but if she is truly so willing to twist your position to make you look like a horrible jerk who thinks abortions are totally cool, you need to really think about your ability to reach reasonable relationship compromises with her moving forward. Also, use two forms of birth control from here on out unless you want to be a daddy soon.
For Peacekeeper, I disagree with Cat because I don’t think you should have to absorb abuse and just stoically take it. If you don’t tell your husband how you feel, you aren’t giving him the opportunity to support you and comfort you. My wife and I have a rule that after every family visit, the other spouse gets a judgment-free venting period where we say all the stuff that annoyed us during the visit, and the other spouse just listens. If the venting spouse is wrong and the family deserves to be defended, that comes later. Usually, though, a good venting session is all you need, and you can move on.
— Jason from Cranberry 11/09/2010 Reply
That’s a great idea Jason! I think I agree with you and Cat on the second question because on one hand I think spouses should be open and honest with each other like you and your wife, so frustration doesn’t get pent up and build over time. On the other hand I really don’t think anything positive comes from telling your spouse that their mother is a bitch. The husband already knows this about his mother, I’m sure. I think a good middle ground is having the venting Jason suggests but have it once and forget it. If she says over and over “your mother is a bitch” that’s a broken record the husband will ignore after a couple times.
For the first question I think this is an excellent call Cat. This couple should NOT be together. Couples compromise about lots of things but these two people won’t reach a middle ground and they’ll probably hate each other trying. Wish each other well and move on!
— Sharon, The Burgh 11/09/2010 Reply
The only answer for PEACEKEEPER is for her and her husband to move away to somewhere where she doesn’t have to see her mother in law frequently. It’ll make her more calm and probably the husband too, and the mother in law won’t be able to comment on every little thing day to day. For the right to choose question this couple should call it quits. She’s unreasonable and he’s not interested anymore. Plus he should be afraid that she’ll knock herself up to make him prove that he supports her right to choose to have the child and put his money where his mouth is. It’s trouble waiting to happen.
— Duggie 11/09/2010 Reply
When you move away from relatives – they come to visit and stay with you for 24/7!
It might better to live close by and see the relative for only an hour or two at a time.
.. think about having a baby and having the evil MnL visit for 2 weeks non-stop???
.. better to let her visit for 30 minutes then you “need to get your rest”
alternatively – imagine visiting HER from out of town? – and needing to stay there!?!
be very careful what you wish for.
— be careful what you wish for 11/09/2010 Reply
Regarding the first one, Cat, you’re to be commended for not backing away from a hot potato. I’m curious how many extremist (both extremes) comments you received and chose not to post. Nothing to add – I think you nailed it.
On the second one – I hope the husband appreciates the class and quiet dignity being displayed by his wife. Mommy Dearest should be viewed as what she truly seems to be – an emotionally disturbed soul who deserves only pity, not retaliation.
— Ben, VA 11/09/2010 Reply
Thanks, Ben! Just a note: all comments submitted to Catscall.com are posted unless they are profane or otherwise unreadable. If, however, feedback is emailed rather than submitted here, it is not posted. BTW, your mention of the wife’s “quiet dignity” and the point about the mother-in-law deserving pity rather than retaliation…well said.
— Cat 11/09/2010 Reply
Hey, wait a minute – if you don’t post items that are “otherwise unreadable”, how do you explain the post by “Attentive Reader in Procrastinative Mood” from two weeks ago? Now that was unreadable! Ha-ha….
— Ben, VA 11/09/2010 Reply
RE: SET IN MY POSITION
Time to breakup.
____________________________
RE: PEACEKEEPER
Husband must support wife.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 11/09/2010 Reply
I hope PEACEKEEPER’s husband has the sense to tell his mother she should to shut her trap. You can’t tell from the question if he defends his wife or just says nothing. The burden shouldn’t be on the wife to tolerate being badmouthed. The burden is on the husband to keep the peace between them.
— Aaron 11/09/2010 Reply
To Set,
If this issue is tearing you apart then good luck with living arrangements, financial decisions, and children. I would suggest that you both grow up. As a couple you are not going to agree on everything.
To Peacekeeper,
My sympathy to the husband in this situation. Nothing in this world is more unnerving than being in the middle of two feuding women, especially when one is your mother and the other is your wife. Kudos to the peacekeeper for being pleasant and non-confrontational, you are an exception to the rule. I used to date a little shrew that would not stop talking about how much she hated my mother. It was agony. If I were the man in this situation I would get in mom’s face. If she is making any significant contributions to her son and his family then her opinions are irrelevant and she needs to mind her own damn business! Let her know it.
— Brandon 11/09/2010 Reply
Here’s what I like about SET IN MY POSITION: It wasn’t about abortion, it’s about two people realizing they’re incompatible and Cat nailed that without pandering— excellent job btw. What I don’t like about it: It’s further proof that people hop into the sack without knowing a damn thing about each other. Don’t get me wrong— I’m all for sex. It’s just after eons of evolution people haven’t learned sex can make babies (!!!) and you better be ready to deal with it if it happens. Those two should break up. Period.
— John "left coast" 11/09/2010 Reply
RE: PEACEKEEPER
I hope they do not have children. Kids shouldn’t be exposed to anyone speaking ill of their mother.
I stopped allowing my son to visit his grandmother without supervision because of her hatred of his grandfather. (her ex-husband) I didn’t care what happened between them, that was his grandfather. Whenever she would start badmouthing him, I would step in.
Now, I am sure she bad mouths me (she is now my EX mother-in-law). My ex-husband learned to verbally abuse people at his mother’s knee and that is one reason we are no longer together.
If PEACEKEEPER has or will have children, her husband needs to step in and stop the abuse. She also should not speak ill about her mother-in-law in front of their children.
Kids shouldn’t see anyone being abused (even verbally) or bad-mouthed. If it is someone they love, it just causes them to lose respect or they grow up thinking that is appropriate behavour.
Just my opinion.
— Judy in Chesterland 11/10/2010 Reply