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Would A True Friend Try To Steal Your Job? And...Fiancée Won't Stop Texting Male 'Friends'
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
DEAR CAT: For seven years Iâve worked in communications for an entertainment company. Last year I began looking for a better job within the company and for months Iâve been forging a relationship with a director in a different department, working on projects for free in case a new position opened up. A job finally opened last week and after I applied I found out my best friend applied for it, too. My friend knew I worked hard to develop a relationship with this director. She also knew the position would be a huge step up for me (not so for her) and would give my family much-needed money since we had a baby this year. Now we are both finalists in the interview process, going head-to-head for the position. I havenât told her that Iâm hurt by her decision, but Iâll be crushed if I lose this job to her. Some people have said theyâd be furious, that her actions arenât those of a true friend. What do I do? —FRIEND OR FRENEMY?
DEAR FRIEND: Whatâs borderline backstabbing, certainly conniving, and obviously obstructive? Your best friend. She knew you wanted this particular job, that youâd laid the groundwork with the director, and she purposely didnât tell you she applied for it. Maybe her resume was on file with your company and they simply contacted her when the job came up but she should have talked to you because best friends tell each other such things. Her quietude on the matter is whatâs most troubling, second only to your hesitance to telling her how you feel. Itâs time to do that. Friends are supposed to look out for each other butâ¦Catâs Call: Sheâs only looking out for number one.
DEAR CAT: My fiancée and I have been together for over ten years. Recently she’s been texting and calling guys she claims are âsimply friendsâ and when I’ve tried to talk to her about them, it turns into an argument. We’ve had discussions about her inappropriate messaging before, but now she says it’s different. Should I trust her or my gut? — THAT GNAWING FEELING
DEAR GNAW: Iâm touched that you trust me before your gut or your fiancée but Iâm not about to marry you. After ten years together youâre about to walk down the aisle and youâre still wondering if your âintendedâ is trustworthy – thatâs a huge red flag. Itâs one thing to jokingly argue about what movie to rent or what food to eat but you two should have cleared up this serious matter years ago. I called your gut and hereâs what it said: If your fiancée is communicating with guys whom you donât know, in a manner you consider to be inappropriate, and sheâs done this before, and you canât broach the subject without getting into a fight, youâre probably not ready to get married (to each other, anyway.) My gut says your gut has been trying to tell you this since the second argument you had about her mysterious messaging, but you didnât want to listen. Catâs Call: Are you ready yet?
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Friends are friends and business is business. I would harbor no ill feelings in any manner toward this other person but in the future i would certainly never open up to them concerning my business intentions.
— The Truth 01/11/2011 Reply
Give the woman a break. Maybe she is looking for that one last fling or maybe you have gotten stale over the past ten years. Spice things up a bit! Take a cruise, take her to Europe or take one of those wild and romantic weekends and see if that doesn’t end the phone calls. Rock her world buddy! At the very least get your butt and finally marry the woman. Keep in mind she has been hanging with you for ten years and thats a long time to wait to get married. Her clock (biological clock) is ticking and you better wind it up a bit before the alarm goes off.
— The Truth 01/11/2011 Reply
Wind up her clock a bit before the alarm goes off? That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve heard. What happens when the alarm goes off? She explodes? She cheats? She gives birth right then and there? Your words would be more helpful if you a) use an actual name (not even your own real name) to indicate your gender which can be helpful in matters of advice, b) stop using metaphors like wind up her clock because that makes no sense and isn’t be helpful to the man asking the question. She’s kind of cheating already since she’s engaged and secretly talking to other men. Telling the guy to take her on a cruise won’t change that. Also….calling yourself “the truth” is just plain dumb and guarantees nobody will heed what you have to say.
— Teresa 01/11/2011 Reply
The Truth is a woman, because she certainly speaks like friends I have that think sex will save you from complete oblivion. LOL at Ben. I’ve been there and done that too!!!! Point is – you learn from your mistakes and what you will and will not put up w/ and this nonsense is just what I am talking about w/ GWANING. Let that woman go – her interest level in you is so low you can’t even read it on a scale. Pick your ego up off the floor, ditch the sneaky chick and do some self reflection and move on. Good Luck and next time don’t wait so long to figure this out…
When your gut speaks loud and clear – its time to listen and take yourself out of hurtful, demeaning and one sided situations. You have already had a conversation about what bothered you and she made her choice to do “what the pluck” she wants – now it time for you to learn to be alone for a minute and re-group.
The only thing different about this is “the guys on the other end” of this unfortunate situation.
— Towanda - Baltimore 01/11/2011 Reply
Towanda is right and the “The Truth” is lacking in common sense and intelligence or “she” is just a troll.
If your woman is secretly speaking with other men and is upset with you because you are upset with her about it – dump the bitch now before you get in any deeper.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/11/2011 Reply
You obviously must not be very attentive to a womans feels and how they get when their biological clock is running out. Women that want to have children want to have them before they get to be a certain age and after that age complication can arise. Talk a dense.
As for her cheating i wouldn’t blame her. She should have been looking around long time ago. Why wait ten years for this guy to finally make up his mind. Ten years and only now you are going to be married. If they wait any longer they may be too old to teach the children how to drive.
“The Truth” has spoken……………The term “The Truth” may not do much for others but it sure did get your panties in a bunch.
— The Truth 01/11/2011 Reply
The Truth is a joke and in no way got my “panties in a wad.”
The problem with your replies are that they lack common sense or take issues out of context.
Keeping what was said in the letter to Cat in context – knowing only what is in the letter – we don’t know how long they have been engaged to be married. That may have only recently happened. We don’t know.
What we do know is that she is speaking & texting with other men and is pissed because her fiance doesn’t like it.
That is a clear sign for him to quit the relationship or if she is doing this because her “biological clock is ticking” which we have no idea if she feels that way… then he can put the ultimatum down now and…
shit or get off the pot.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/12/2011 Reply
What can i say except that some people just “can’t understand normal thinking”. The woman should dump the slouch and find somebody. Why would she wait ten long years? He must bore her to the point where she seeks other guys attention. She deserves better and i don’t even know her.
— The Truth 01/12/2011 Reply
They both deserve better because they treat each other in disrespectful, hurtful and deceitful ways. She – by entertaining other boys attention and him for missing the “ques” of her low level of interest in him. When a woman has a high interest level – she will not do things to undermine the relationship. Boys need to pay attention to the signs and respond accordingly and I would offer this advice to girls when they are on the other end of this nonsense.
— Towanda - Baltimore 01/13/2011 Reply
Again, you take things out of context and add information that isn’t in the letter.
You must have a crystal ball and know what is actually going on in both of their lives.
The Truth should change her name to The Joke.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/14/2011 Reply
A true friend doesn’t sneak around to go after a job you want. UNLESS there is something missing from this story that would explain it in more detail. Such as, you say the job is a step up for you but not for her, maybe as Cat suggested her resume was on file with HR and they automatically considered her when the job came open. I could name ten companies where my resume is on file, two of them my friends work in. I guess the difference is, if I got a call asking for an interview there, I’d tell my friend.
As for the Gnawing Feeling: getting married makes pre-marriage problems worse. What have you been doing for ten years? I guess you could be 30 years old and met in college or something. But ten years? I can’t blame her for continuing to communicate with other guys in a friendly way but I also couldn’t blame you for calling the whole thing off. Cat’s right, you have to settle this BEFORE walking down the aisle or you got big problems waiting for you down the line.
— Shawn, Pittsburgh 01/11/2011 Reply
Sorry, Friend or Frenemy, you don’t own that job, not yet anyway. And you are not the only two people in the world, many people may have applied for that job —- it could happen that neither of you get it; if you give vent to your feelings you will have lost both the job and the friend. Just because you “need” the job more doesn’t mean you deserve the job. If you are using that “need” to try to sway the employer, it won’t work. Show what you can bring to the table and how you can help that director and that company, they don’t care that you could use the money, that is not their motivator. It’s rough, and I know your feelings are running hot on the subject, but the best thing to do is to splash your face with cold water and be prepared to congratulate her if she gets it.
— Terry, Pittsburgh 01/11/2011 Reply
I like the way you make this point about “deserving” the job. I thought the same thing. Her friend probably works just as hard and might even be a better fit for the position. She even says her friend wouldn’t be taking a big step up by getting the job. But I think the real issue here is that the friend kept it a secret and that’s just not right. Friends know when you’re job hunting. Especially your best friend! I mean I guess it’s possible the friend is always on the lookout for another or better job and her resume was with the company just sitting there – as Cat suggested. If they emailed her and asked for an interview it could have been for the next day and she didn’t have time to tell her friend about it for a few days….the friend says she has a baby and maybe she’s often unavailable. It’s really not that hard to imagine. I sense a little resentment here and wonder if the friend who sent in the question thinks she deserves the job because she already works there and she “needs” it more. It’s hard to know.
— Kate in Cleveland 01/11/2011 Reply
Absolutely correct. The original “Friend or Frenemy” letter reads like high school stuff. The person who is the best qualified and can demonstrate the added value that they will bring to the job is the one who deserves it. And anyway why blab to your friend about which job you are applying for and what strategies you are using to get it?
— PB from NY 01/12/2011 Reply
last I checked it was okay to talk to other people, men or women, when you were in a relationship. We don’t know how the arguments start or the nature of them. Maybe they start because the writer is extremely offensive when he makes assumptions that his fiancee is “cheating” because she talks to guys who are ‘simply friends’? I’ve been in relationships before that end because once we were 100% committed to each other, my partner started getting crazy jealous when I was communicating with even my oldest friends from high school—who were male and lived on the other side of the country. Our relationship soon ended, and I ended it.
— caiti, pittsburgh 01/11/2011 Reply
Caiti, I can see your point, but I also see the other side. That’s why I would make a terrible judge. Devotion to one person is exactly that – one person, your soul mate. I don’t necessarily see it as a jealosy thing, but more of a devotion thing – devotion to your soul mate.
I saw a TV interview a few years ago with a couple in their nineties, who were celebrating their seventy-fifth anniversary. When asked for the secret to relationship longevity, the husband said something I’ll never forget – “Everything is negotiable, EXCEPT for your devotion to each other”.
I wish I had learned that earlier in life.
— Ben, VA 01/12/2011 Reply
I’m confused. I assumed that the Frenemy also worked at the company. If so, she may have been approached by the department and asked to apply, seeing that it sounds like she is a good fit for the position (not a huge step up for her). Now, do I think it was a nice thing to do, regardless? Hell no, and if she intentionally applied from outside the company then it’s even worse, particularly if she heard about the job from her friend.
BUT – assume the following: 1) she works there and saw the posting just like her friend did 2) she knows, like her friend knows, that this position was a HUGE step up for her friend and when she was approached to apply for it or saw the posting it did not occur to her that they would consider her friend for the job. Then it’s iffy but certainly not horrifying. And ask yourselves – if a better position became open at your company that you were qualified for and that you were pretty confident you could get, would you not apply for it so your longshot friend had a better chance? If you say yes then you are a very, very good friend…
— Marcy, Pittsburgh 01/11/2011 Reply
Together over ten years? And still just engaged? Really? That’s all I had to hear. There is some kind of committment issue here, and I’d like to hear her version of events. In ten years I dated, engaged, married, had chillin’, and divorced. Oh wait, maybe I’m not the best example……
— Ben, VA 01/11/2011 Reply
I agree with Ben. Ten years is like forever in a relationship. The woman should have dumped this sloutch a long time ago. I wouldn’t blame her for looking around and it would be nice to hear her side of the story and how she has possibly waited for this guy to finally get the cahoonaz to finally settle down. I hope she dumps him like a hot rock into an ice pit. You go girl have fun since nobody ever gets any younger and wait broke the wagon.
“The Truth” has spoken
— The Truth 01/11/2011 Reply
As for the person that has been engaged and girlfriend is texting so called male friends, I would go with your gut. I was in a similar situation, only to marry someone I really didn’t trust and end up divorced shortly later. If there is ANY doubt or serious problems (the trust issue), I would say put off the wedding until it can be resolved (maybe thru some conseling). If you marry this person thinking they will change in the future or just because you are their husband, YOU ARE WRONG!!! At this point, is it worth having a piece of paper saying you are married, or a strong, truthful relationship. If you can’t have that relationship with this person, move on. Moving on will be hard, but you might find yourself better off and happier with someone that you don’t have to always be questioning and wondering about.
— Ally, Pittsburgh 01/11/2011 Reply
The offended friend in “Frenemy” is operating under the HUGE assumption that she will get this job because she has been laying the ground work. She doesn’t “deserve” anything – because she’s had a baby and she’s in need of more money, her friend should back-off to improve her chance of getting the job? Seriously? There is no backstabbing going on just an absurd case of entitlement. Oy.
— chutney 01/11/2011 Reply
Right on about the Facebook situation…it simply is not healthy to be communicating with an ex boyfriend…end that now before things turn into a nightmare.
For the woman dealing with the toxic friendship -I would move on to another job as soon as possible. I know the economy is really hard right now, but it would be my number one priority to get as far away from this situation as possible.
— Daniela 01/18/2011 Reply
I was/am in a similar situation to TGF. I have a few guys whom I used to date who I still email or text (as does my fiance). He sometimes gets very upset over it and what I tried to do is look at it from his perspective- how would I feel if tables were flipped. I try to never write anything that I wouldn’t want him to see or that I wouldn’t want another woman to write to him.
I offered to end one friendship in particular, because I told him I don’t need this man’s friendship, but I DO need bf’s trust… OTOH- I have told him clearly that he needs to trust me and had he demanded that I end the friendship, I would have probably been angry. We talked about ways in which we BOTH were handling the situation wrong and we worked out a compromise/understanding about what was appropriate, what we were each comfortable with…
It was uncomfortable, but it we did it and quickly, because we love each other and are reasonable people and don’t want anything to come between us.
If it turns into fights every time, someone is not being reasonable, IMO- though we can’t tell from this letter which one that is.
— Cora, Pgh 01/19/2011 Reply