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He's Back On The Dating Scene & She's 'Cheating' Online
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
DEAR CAT: After 5 years out of the scene Iâve gotten back into the dating pool. As I approach 40 itâs proving harder than I imagined. I’ve had many dates and when I connect with someone the e-mails are plentiful, the phone calls last forever and the attraction is mutual but after the first few dates itâs like the woman drops off the face of the earth, with texts, e-mails, and phone calls not returned. Recently I hit it off with someone I couldn’t stop thinking about. We had a lot in common and planned things to do in the coming weeks. She even told me I was unlike any guy she had met before. I really believed that she was the one and when she suddenly âdisappearedâ it made me think about whether I should continue dating. I don’t know what to do. I donât like giving up, but Iâd like to know what I did wrong. I believe in romance and would love to sweep a woman off her feet, but the game-playing is taking its toll. â NO MORE GAMES
DEAR NO MORE: Itâs a huge drag â sometimes even heartbreaking â when a person you like goes MIA. Some people âgive good phoneâ and like texting and emailing even when theyâre not head over heels. Early on itâs risky to assume a deep emotional connection is mutual. In your case itâs not about the women playing games, itâs about a lack of courtesy and thoughtlessly blowing off someone whoâs been nice to you. Chances are you didnât do anything wrong, she simply didnât share your feelings. Itâs a bitter pill to swallow but also one most people have tasted. Donât give up! Youâll find someone special, and until you do….Catâs Call: Have a great time looking for it!
DEAR CAT: I’ve been with my high school sweetheart for 15 years and recently I found out she was flirting with men online. When I asked her about it, she denied it. Although I have a medical situation I work full time and take care of our family and I am very devoted to them. Because this isn’t the first time this has happened do I just give up because the old saying goes, “once a cheater, always a cheater?” How do we get past this? â KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO
DEAR KNOWING: Wow, youâve left out major details, which makes it very hard to help you. Are you married to your sweetheart? Has she physically cheated in real life, or just online? Do you still love her? What is your medical situation? By âgive upâ do you mean accept her flirting, or break up? There are many women whoâd be thrilled to find a gainfully employed, devoted family man. You need to follow your instincts about trust, commitment and contentment. If sheâs cheated before, perhaps youâve stayed with her out of habit, or âfor the children,â or the high school-sweetheart sentiment. No matter what, if there is no trust, youâre looking at a lifetime filled with resentment. Catâs Call: You deserve better for all your devotion.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Hi Cat,
The guy seems so nice in the ‘No More Games’ article today, are you able to contact him?
If so, can you give him my email?
Thanks.
— Sharon 11/16/2010 Reply
I’d be happy to send him your email! If this works out, am I invited to the wedding?
— Cat 11/16/2010 Reply
I agree the second question leaves so much out it’s impossible to say “this is what you should do.” There’s a huge difference between flirting online and carrying on an affair, not that I’d put up with my spouse doing either. If his medical “situation” keeps him from having sex for years I could understand that causing loneliness or the tempation to flirt a little bit. Not saying it’s right but not a reason to walk out. In a way this question is like an instruction manual for people who write to you in the future. How can they ask for your advice if they’re not telling you what’s wrong.
— Sammy CA 11/16/2010 Reply
To No More Games: Cat’s right but most women are like this. When they aren’t interested they don’t bother getting back to you. It happens all of a sudden, if you keep trying it only makes it worse. But if you don’t call a woman back????? Then you’re the a**hole. I don’t know if you’re pushing it and calling too much but your story shows it’s not a one-time event.
— Josh 11/16/2010 Reply
Men are the same way….
— Judy in Chesterland 11/18/2010 Reply
On the second question… what if his medical problem is uncontrollable rage, or alcoholism, or something that makes him an unfit husband. Devotion is in the eye of the beholder. Some men see paying the bills and putting food on the table as “devotion.” I agree if there is no trust a marriage will be bad but there are too many unknowns here.
— TT 11/16/2010 Reply
Josh, I’m not sure about that. I think all kinds of people are thoughtless about leaving you hanging. Some businesses do the same when looking for new employees – no follow-up is given to let the others know how they stand. I’ve had men suddenly stop returning calls in my personal life as well as clients for my company. I think it’s a general case of lack of manners, and a fear of having to actually be there when someone is let down by your lack of interest.
I’m glad that my husband shows a lot more sensitivity – probably one of the reasons I decided he was worth keeping around!
— SM in Pittsburgh, PA 11/16/2010 Reply
Games,
Yeah bud we have all been there with the ladies. I am doing quite a bit of online dating myself. You never know whether or not a woman likes you until you are sleeping with her. Take a step back from your situation. Is it something that you are doing to put these women off? Hollywood has convinced us that women are looking for sweet men who open doors, pickup checks, and bring flowers on a first date. In actuality a woman is more likely to view a man that does these things as a pathetic wussbag who is working way too hard for her attention. If you are having problems with the girls there are a lot of great guides out there that can help you improve your “game.” I recommend you Google David DeAngelo and check out his “Double Your Dating,” ebook.
— Brandon 11/16/2010 Reply
Maybe the problem is a physical thing. Maybe he’s too Type A. Maybe he has bad breath. Doesn’t shower. Is too hairy. Not hairy enough. There are so many variables. And like some said, maybe he’s too nice and comes off as a wuss.
Always hard to say. Certainly, there’s someone for everyone. Hope it works out.
For the guy with the wife who flirts online, there is so much unsaid. And what do you mean, “with her.” That doesn’t mean married? Maybe she wants a marriage not just a long-term no-commitment-from-you/her relationship. Living together doesn’t mean that you have to be exclusive — that’s how I would treat it.
In any case, rather than TMI (too much information), NEI (not enough information).
— Mike, Pittsburgh north 11/16/2010 Reply
No More Games,
Please don’t give up the faith that there is someone special out there or view that women are all game players. You just haven’t met the right one. My husband and I met and got married less than a year later when we were close to 40 (he was a week away). This was a first marriage for both of us….
I’m not saying that it is something that you are doing, but I would take a step back to evaluate what you are doing just in case. Not all women are like this and if you are experiencing this constantly, perhaps there is a pattern in your behavior…OR…again, it just hasn’t been the right time or the right one.
I think you get on a slippery slope as soon as you take the path you with thinking gloom and doom and that “all the women out there are game players”. This thinking will seep through you so fast that women will sense it right away.
Keep the faith…it is not too late :)
— Daniela 11/24/2010 Reply