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Friend Suffers From A 'Rich' Attitude & To Snoop Or Not To Snoop?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

DEAR CAT: About two years ago my close friend got married to a wealthy man. She comes from a normal middle class background but you wouldn’t know that to talk to her now. She has developed quite a snobby attitude that is hard to describe because it shows up in specific moments here and there. Like, she will wrinkle her nose at stores we used to shop in and she has become somewhat rude to waiters. She’s close with my family (and I am with hers) and always attends my parents’ birthdays. This year she came to my mother’s dinner party at a restaurant and spent the whole time complaining about the service and food. I didn’t say anything but I can’t believe this has happened to her. I don’t know if I can enjoy spending time with her anymore but I miss the ‘old’ her and we’ve been friends for so long. Is this a reason to end our friendship? —CAN’T STAND SNOBBERY

DEAR CAN’T: If a friendship goes from a two-way street to a one-way bitchfest, you don’t have to justify ending it. But don’t rush to end a long friendship because of a few unpleasant moments. Yes, she’s become a bit snooty and her unmannerly complaints at your mother’s party are proof that you can’t buy class, but her attitude might be a temporary show. Although snobbery tends to worsen rather than improve over time, she might get over it with you – but only if you talk to her about the party ASAP. Let her know she can’t pull this nonsense with you, of all people. Her new wealthy world might embrace her ‘tude but if she wants to continue visiting her old world….Cat’s Call: She has to remember the rules.

DEAR CAT: My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. A year ago he took a job that required him to travel all week. I tried to not be demanding with his free time but he tells me I’m a nag and he’ll hang with his friends over me. He recently quit that job and was living with me in my tiny one bedroom apartment. We have had a few fights, including one about our living situation and how I do the laundry, he won’t help clean, I work my tail off and I get no help from him. He has since been acting strange. He won’t hold my hand, hug or cuddle like we used to. One night he just took off (which left a sour taste in my mouth) and I let temptation get the best of me, and I looked at his computer. I know his password, he knows mine, and I wouldn’t be upset if he looked at my Facebook or email. I’ve never looked at his things before and now I wish I didn’t. I found a response two months ago to a Craigslist personal ad saying he was bored and “wanting to have some fun,” plus Facebook messages to a girl he knows, saying he wanted to take her on a date, and he dismissed me when she questioned his relationship status. I didn’t find anything proving he went through with the acts but I was stunned and hurt by what I read. I confronted him and his reaction was not what I expected. He got angry and accused me of violating his privacy and said he was working his issues out himself. He did not elaborate on those “issues.” He was set that our relationship was over because I violated his number one rule: privacy. I truly did not expect him to get defensive about his actions. I thought he would admit he was wrong and we would work on this. But he quickly turned it around on me for snooping. Am I wrong for snooping? Should I have stayed out of this and let him work his issues out himself? Do you think I violated his privacy? And am I a fool to think that he and I can work things out? — NOT SO NEBBY NANCY

DEAR NEBBY: His #1 rule is privacy? Please, he’s not even clever enough to manipulate you creatively. In general, should you snoop? No. Some instances are defensible but you didn’t need to do it because you already had solid reasons to confront him. A good rule of thumb – if you feel the need to snoop, there’s already something very wrong with the relationship. He wanted you to find those emails and messages and he did everything but dare you to look. He was too cowardly to end the relationship outright so he became unaffectionate and pricky enough to motivate you to give him an excuse. Don’t be fooled, the only issue he had to work out was ‘how to get out of this relationship.’ Now you’ve solved that for him! You’re not a fool to think you could work things out….Cat’s Call: You’re a fool to think you should.

What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!.

  1. question 1: I never had a friend do a rich attitude thing, I had a friend do i’m-married-now-and-you’re-not atittude and it ended the friendship basically. Friendships don’t always last thru life changes, it’s part of life.

    question 2: I agree she could/should have dumped him a long time before the snooping. Doesn’t matter if he went through with the dates or not, she’s in denial about him. Good riddance to cheating rubbish.

    — kimmypgh    11/22/11    Reply

  2. Great answer to Nebby, Cat. Nancy, don’t take any responsibility for this – your relationship was over before you looked at his computer. He is SO not worth any regret. Cat is right on the money.

    — Nancy in Pittsburgh    11/22/11    Reply

  3. Nebby Nancy— You “truly did not expect him to get defensive about his actions” and “thought he would admit he was wrong.” Are you kidding? You’re either young and naive or blind and possibly not too smart. I’m not trying to be nasty here. You got off easy before he cleaned out your bank account and got you evicted from you apartment. He’s a douchebag and you had a right to look at his computer when he walked out the door (and he was living off you). Cat is right on the money, snooping did not cause the problem here and you’re upset now but you did yourself a big favor without meaning to.

    — TT, Pgh    11/22/11    Reply

  4. Dear NSNNancy,

    It has been said many times: marriage isn’t living with a person – it’s living FOR a person.

    It doesn’t sound like this guy is long-term material. run!!

    — no way!    11/22/11    Reply

  5. Can’t Stand Snob should either stop hanging with Snob, or keep inviting Snob everywhere. Let Snob decide if she is too uppity for Can’t. But once Snob rejects the next invite, never invite her again. Snob’s making her own bed (perhaps with silk sheets) and she’ll have to sleep in it alone.

    As for Nebby, she did nothing unusual in nebbing, and seems to have found out that her partner was a jerk. It would be nice if she didn’t have to neb to have found that out, but she did in this case and that’s the breaks; it’s what the police call, undercover work.

    — Carm in Pittsburgh    11/22/11    Reply

  6. @CAN’T STAND SNOBBERY,

    You can find out rather quickly if your now snobby friend is truly a friend or foe by simply doing this…

    whenever you talk to her, whenever you are to go some place with her, whenever discussing issues, take what I call the “poor route.” And, it must be over-the-top in order for her to say, “Wait a minute here!”

    The poor route would include::

    Choose the cheapest restaurant and tell her you just can’t afford to eat anywhere else.

    When discussing politics or socio-econmic issues – defend the poor, the lower class causes as you can identify with them.

    When shopping for clothes – insist on Gabriel Brothers or the Red White and Blue store or any type of rummage sales, stating that those snooty stores have the same clothes at 100 times the cost.

    It will, sooner than later, cause her to bring up this issue and then you can say, “How do you like it?”

    Like I said you will find out if she is a true friend or not. She will either laugh and immediately “get it” – just what you are doing and why and change for the better (a renewal of your friendship)

    or

    she will want to discuss why the behaviour, which you can then bring up the opposite of what you were doing – her snobbiness, which will lead to the change for the worse (an end to your friendship) or an understanding of why, and change for the better (the renewal of your friendship).

    Mission accomplished.

    — LeBron from Pittsburgh    11/22/11    Reply

  7. @NOT SO NEBBY NANCY,

    Besides this guy being a sponge, and living in your apartment…

    “He won’t hold my hand, hug or cuddle like we used to.”

    and

    “… he’ll hang out with his friends over me.”

    The first instances when that began to happen, the big picture should have been crystal clear… he doesn’t love you anymore, if he ever did. And, he isn’t worth fretting over… whether you snooped or not. That isn’t even the issue.

    Dump him and make sure it is permanent. You’d be a fool to think you two can work things out.

    — LeBron from Pittsburgh    11/22/11    Reply

  8. For “Not Nebby” – looking at his Email was wrong, but you should have dumped him long before that, and I hope that he is not still living with you. He is just creating a smokescreen by hiding behind the privacy rule. Take the original situation – he’s living at your place, letting you do all the work, but hanging out with his friends instead of spending time with you. How much of a doormat do you have to be before you get it? He’s a loser – if he’s still there, put his stuff out on the street and count yourself lucky that you found out before wasting more of your life on him.

    — PB from NY    11/22/11    Reply

  9. Three and a half years is a pretty long time to just “be bored.”. Do you really want to try to reconcile with a man who basically decides to cheat on you when he gets “bored?” If you take him back, he will always think that something like this is ok with you, and guaranteed it will happen again. If he was really invested in your relationship, he’d have come up with some idea to wisk you away or do something extra nice. After all, he would have realized that if he was “bored,” then most likely you were too. And you know, deep down I bet you were bored too, after spending the time trying to love someone who doesn’t want to love you back. Do yourself the favor and have the respect for yourself to cut him out of your life completely and be strong enough to go have fun now too, Nebs. What makes you think he’ll change? Just by the questions you’ve asked, why do you think YOU are the problem here? The only problem with you here is that you are trying to get love from someone who ain’t gonna give it. Time to move on after over 3 years Nebs, seriously. And seriously consider getting yourself checked for STD’s, the idiot was on craigslist looking for fun for pete’s sake! Take care of yourself in every sense of the word, you deserve no less and don’t let him make you feel otherwise.

    — B.S. Pittsburgh    11/22/11    Reply

  10. The “snob” may be just picking up nasty habits from her husband, without being aware of it, or perhaps trying to keep peace in the marriage by “pretending”. Tactfully mentioning how it bothers you could correct some of them. I know newly-well-off people that think wait staff are suddenly “below” them…and they just need to be gently led back to reality. As for the stores; you shop where you can afford. If she must drag you to shop at the expensive stores she can pay for your purchases!

    — MJBN Pittsburgh    11/23/11    Reply

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