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Wife's 'Reputation' For Affairs Could Cost Husband His Job

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

DEAR CAT: I love my wife as much today as the day I married her 22 years ago. I’ve always been faithful but sheâs had many sexual trysts, mostly with black men (we are both white.) She never hid these indiscretions from me, and sheâs assured me they are only sexual in nature and that she loves only me. Iâve had no problem accepting our rather unusual marriage, until recently, when my colleague told me heâs seen my wife out on several occasions with different black men and has even heard about her reputation in the black community. He explained that if it were his wife, heâd want to know. When I told him I was already aware and okay with it, he flipped out and said horrible things about my wife, he said our relationship is âwrong,â and now he makes belittling comments about my lack of self respect and manhood. I’m afraid heâll discuss this with others, maybe even my boss, who has shown himself to be somewhat of a racist and would never understand. I asked my wife to suspend her trysts for a while, especially around our city, but she refused and said I would simply have to deal with it. If this continues Iâll have to try to find another job rather than face colleagues whom I know do not respect me. I’ve begun to think my wife’s position is really selfish and unfair, since she is so unwilling to understand how this will be devastating to my career and the respect of others. I still love her deeply and have easily accepted her sexual trysts before but I’m thinking about giving her an ultimatum and threaten divorce if she continues. My insecure side is afraid of testing her proclaimed love for me and I don’t want to push her away after all these years of my love and acceptance of her needs and lifestyle. â ULTIMATUM OR ULTI-MAYBE?

DEAR ULTIMATUM: What goes on behind closed doors in a marriage is nobodyâs business other than the spousesâ, but that privacy depends upon the discretion of the spouses themselves. If one chooses to gallivant around town in a sexually indiscriminate manner, the world is invited behind the doors of your marriage. Does that give the world the right to openly judge you? No. But will the world judge you? Yes. Youâre not naÃ¯ve so you understand thatâs a risk you take by âallowingâ your wife to carry on multiple affairs in public. The race of her lovers is irrelevant. Rather, her refusal to suspend or limit her extracurricular sex life means she holds that desire above all else – which means sheâs either selfish beyond belief or she has a sex addiction. Either way she could use professional help. A good marriage requires respect and compromise from both spouses, not just you. Maybe you have a deal where she âallowsâ you to do certain things not mentioned in your story but this isnât only about your marriage anymore. You spilled the beans to your obnoxious coworker and thereâs no going back. Dust off your resume, rehearse the ultimatum andâ¦.Catâs Call: Start looking for therapists.

Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.

Re: Ultimatum
Ultimatum’s concern about his boss and co-worker’s opinion of him is irrelevant compared to the utter lack of respect and low opinion his wife has of him. Clearly, his wife does not love him, despite her professions otherwise. A good marriage is built on trust, of knowing that one person in the world is completely committed and loving toward you. That, in turn, makes intimacy and sex wonderful, not talent in bed or looks or skin color. Lose the trust and the self-esteem of the spouse plummets. I hear that in Ultimatum’s words. He might say he’s ok with her adultery, but his tone betrays him, too. He doesn’t feel confident in his work ethic or production, otherwise he would have no fear of his boss or losing his job. He also has no confidence in his reputation and self-esteem as an individual or else he would not be considering slinking off to another city and job. Her infidelity and his tolerance of it has ruined him at present. They need counseling for their marriage, and quite frankly, a miracle.

— Jon in Bradenton, FL 11/23/2010 Reply
1. I hate to disappoint you, Jon, but there are many women out there who prefer black men because as the myth goes… it is true. Say what you want about a loving relationship, but if your woman had sex with a big buck, she may become hooked like this guy’s wife.
  
  Now, about him. He is what they call a cuckhold and probably enjoyes seeing his wife or his wife telling him about her affairs. He accepted it for what it is and now without discretion, it is coming back to bite him as it should.
  
  — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
  1. The guy is more concerned about the race of the men his wife is spending her time with than the fact that her wife is spending time with other men.
    
    WOW…
    
    I’m speechless…
    
    — Daniela 11/24/2010 Reply
  2. LOL. It is funny but no where does anyone get the idea that the wife on top of being a slut is a racist here, giving men of color some sort of magical or mystical power sexually. Stupid is as stupid does I guess. How about STDs? How about bringing home HIV?
    
    — James 11/25/2010 Reply
First of all—-only one question today Cat? That’s not right!!! I guess I can forgive you it’s a holiday week after all. I feel bad for Ultimatum and I don’t know what I would advise because he gives a lot of info but not why he’s alright with his wife being unfaithful in the first place. I guess he has his reasons for being married but what are her reasons, other than financial support? If she can’t stop herself from screwing around even though HIS entire reputation is at stake that means there is no respect. I agree they should see a therapist but let’s hope it’s a woman or she might sleep with him too!

— Samantha, Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
Wow! Where does one begin with such a messed up couple? Oh, I got it; they deserve each other because they are obviously so mal-adjusted and/or dysfunctional as to be beyond hope. And they should keep it to themselves. Sorry; I’m having a bad morning, and just a little fed up with this kind of stuff; lol. Can we share good feeling stories sometime?

Here’s an idea. Spend some time with an elder member of your family, have fun with them, and take a video of the event.

— Carm in Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
This was more of a letter for Dan Savage than for you, Cat, but I am most impressed with how you handled it.

What some of the commenters fail to respect is that this arrangement, per the letter anyhow, was OK with both Ultimatum and the Mrs. until it became not OK for him. And once that happened, it was her obligation to respect that it was not OK for him and curtail the behavior per his wishes. There are couples all over the world who have open relationships, either in one direction or in both, and it works for them because they have an agreement about their relationship and they respect each other’s boundaries, however they have been set. But one of the rules of relationships working is that both parties have to be in agreement about certain behaviors (whether that is as simple as who does the dishes or as complex as who does the Mrs.), and if one party changes his or her mind, even if he or she has agreed to those behaviors as acceptable in the past, the lines need to be re-drawn or the relationship will suffer and could end.

So, Mr. Ultimatum, Cat is correct, get thee and the Mrs. to a counselor. If you are fundamentally OK with her stepping out with other men before but now because you are embarrassed about it in front of your co-workers, you want it to stop, you need to think about that, too, and determine your motives for YOUR request. And realistically, you need to think about whether asking her to stop now makes a difference to your success at this job, as the damage has already been done.

— Marcy, Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
1. Marcy you make some good points about open relationships but contradict yourself about re-drawing the lines of their open relationship agreement. Ultimatum has only changed his mind about how the relationship is conducted on the wife’s part, so the lines should be re-drawn. But you say he needs to think about why he’s changed his mind yet his whole letter explains why. The misconception here is that open relationships are everybody’s business while the term just refers to a couple being open to other sexual partners. It’s not a marriage setup I’d ever be comfortable with but to each his own. He wants her to stop sleeping around for a while (or just locally) because he’s losing all credibility. If she cares about him AT ALL she’ll say “I’ll do whatever makes you comfortable.” Sad that she won’t do that. ps: why only one question today Cat? I’m bummed! :)
  
  — Jen, NYC 11/23/2010 Reply
  1. @Jen – you have a really solid point about my contradiction. What I meant by writing that was that if he is still fundamentally OK with an open relationship but is asking her to stop because of pressure from others, then he needs to think about his motivations and determine if he is caving to outside pressure and perhaps shouldn’t be. But you are 100% correct – if she is unwilling to cut it out then there’s an issue there about how committed she is to him.
    
    — Marcy, Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
    1. But he enjoys, in a sexual way, what she is doing. I’ll bet on that.
      
      — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
      1. I have to agree with LeBron. This guy loved that his wife was sleeping around with other men. He loved being relegated to less-than-a-man status by his wife’s extramarital affairs. And knowing that his wife was doing this without any effort to hide her activity, this guy — I’d wager — actually enjoyed the risks of being found out and humiliated as a man who can’t satisfy his wife on his own. The risk for people like this is exciting. But now he’s freaking out because somebody in his life did find out about it, and the reality of their reaction did not match Ultimatum’s fantasy. Frankly, I don’t think his wife should change anything just because Ultimatum is freaking out. She’s spent years living life this way, and now she ought to put him back in his place by reminding him that he’s always secretly wanted this humiliation, and now he finally gets to have it whether it lives up to his fantasies or not. In the end, he’s not going to divorce her because the reality is that he’s never likely to find another woman who will treat him this way. So, once he accepts the fact that the people in his life know he’s been cuckholded by his wife and that they probably don’t respect him as a result, he’ll adjust and go back to being happy being his wife’s cuckhold while she’s off sleeping with other dudes.
        
        — Shawn in Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
2. Amen, Marcy.
  
  The only point I disagree with is that he may very well be uncomfortable with his coworkers given that they’re so very racist. I might ask if it’s time to look for another job, as his current coworkers are creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for him. But moreover — he’s obviously suspicious that the coworker in the know might use that information against him with his boss (why else would that coworker think it wise to tell the boss?) Unfortunately, I do realize that changing jobs is not always that easy, or even possible in today’s economic times. It could be a very sticky situation for Mr. Ultimatum, and we need to respect that (and even moreso, his wife).
  
  — Gwen, Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
This is like the fall of Rome! Marcy and Jen – There’s nothing right about the “open relationship” here! Use your friggin heads people. This “wife” is a piece of trash, and her husband is a weak wimp with no self-respect. Love has nothing to do with their existence. Ugh! They’re making me crazy!

— Carm in Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
1. @Carm – I just happen to believe that whatever two consenting adults define as being appropriate for their relationship is between them and I choose not to judge them based upon it.
  
  — Marcy, Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
  1. And my original comment was they should keep their warped relationship to themselves.
    
    — Carm in Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
    1. That may be difficult to do when there are nosy people about prying their noses into the business of others.
      
      — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/24/2010 Reply
      1. She evidently has had no discretion, and then the husband admitted it. There are nosey people out there, but this couple are plain idiots. As for all the racial comments and efforts to suggest this behavior is okay, both lines of commentary are simply the ramblings of those aforesaid nosey people who have no life and enjoy this colossal waste of time!
        
        — carm in pittsburgh 11/26/2010 Reply
  2. I donât believe the issue here is about whether we should judge others. The issue as I see it is that once an individualâs behavior becomes so egregious that it affects others â in this case the husband and his ability to keep his job â then the line separating right and wrong isnât broken, it is shattered.
    
    Also â God forbid, I hope they have no children â can you imagine the little slice of hell their kids would have to deal with on the playground at school if the word got outâ¦..
    
    — Ben, VA 11/23/2010 Reply
My advice. Beat her…seriously. Then go out and cheat on her yourself. It might not fix the situation but it will make you fee much better.

— Brandon 11/23/2010 Reply
He was an idiot to tell his coworker about their “unusual” arrangement. He should have thought long and hard about what to say when people ultimately find out about her. They were going to at some point because she’s so open about it. Sorry man but who admits to letting his wife sleep with other men? My Call: I don’t care if they’re black white or blue, it makes you both look bad.

— Tom, Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
Has anyone stopped to consider maybe they don’t have sex with each other? He could be impotent or something. My call: I’m not old fashioned or religious but marriage is marriage. I guess I can try to undesrtand you have a secret deal here but marriage is more about fidelity than anything else. Mr. Ultimatum, if you accept her infidelity and encourage it, what did you expect to happen? Cat makes the most correct (and in my opinion most obvious) point that even though others don’t have the right to judge you, they WILL judge you. That’s the world we live in. I also agree this isn’t about racism. Your coworkers would judge you just for saying okay to her having affairs in the first place. Forgiving one affair I could understand. But countless ones? You obviously have your reasons but I don’t understand why you’re married.

— Carrie in da burgh 11/23/2010 Reply
Two comments:

E-E-W-W-W-W-W-W!

and

What the . . . .?

— Robert 11/23/2010 Reply
Ultimatum says: “I’ve begun to think my wife’s position is really selfish.”

I’m curious – Specifically, which position is he referring to?????

— Ben, VA 11/23/2010 Reply
1. LOL
  
  — John, LA 11/23/2010 Reply
  1. Thanks – I think you’re the only one who got that…..
    
    — Ben, VA 11/24/2010 Reply
I might think this is one of those sexual-fetish cuckolding things. Not my cup of tea. Or who knows. In any case, she’s obviously getting what she wants (pun intended), and maybe he was, too, until his colleagues learned about it.

I think it’s probably best if he leaves town. His reputation is shot. She already has a different reputation, obviously.

— Mike, Downtown 11/23/2010 Reply
1. That’s what I said. He is a cuckhold and enjoys fantasying about his wife getting pounded by huge black men. He may even watch. Who knows, but I agree, his reputation is shot and should leave town.
  
  — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
I can’t pretend to know how a couple lives like this. But I don’t get the impression the wife is interested in sex as much as she wants attention. She knows that she’s hurting her husband and that should ruin sex for her because she shouldn’t feel right about it, despite his green-light for her to do it. I feel bad for this man.

— Steph, NY 11/23/2010 Reply
1. Oh, she is interested in it alright and she is certainly not hurting him by what she does.
  
  — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
I’m trying to picture what this couple talks about every day. Ultimatum you see your marriage as “unusual” but that’s for good reason. I understand you still love your wife but here you are feeling hurt and ignored in the face of shame at work and people questioning your self-respect and that can’t only be because someone else found out (by your admitting it). Maybe you fessed up to pop the cork on this whole thing? There’s only so long you can go feeling perfectly fine & dandy with your wife sleeping with other men. I think you’ve passed that point.

— S.T. pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
Ms. Specter,
This poor man wrote to you with a problem, one which is sizable, especially to him. Your middle of the road answer further complicated his dilemma by pointing him to a therapist. All the while the moral issue was evaded which is the foundation to his problem. I trust you take your work seriously, and if so; please make an attempt to allow God’s point of view when giving hurting people advice. There will be three benefits to you when doing this and they are 1.) You will be right 2.) You will use less words and 3.) You will sleep with a clear conscience at night. How simple it would have been for you to point him to the seventh (7th) commandment………“Thou shalt not commit adultery”. Then they could have been directed to a Synagogue, Church, Mosque counselor for Godly therapy. By the way, all three types would have given him the same advice. Please forgive me if this seems harsh but my concern if not only for those you counsel but for your welfare as well. God bless you and have a nice day.

— K.F. (Moon Township, PA) 11/23/2010 Reply
1. The ‘poor man’ you refer to didn’t commit adultery. His wife did.
  
  — Sarah, Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
  1. To him it isn’t adultery. Can’t you “get it?”
    
    — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
    1. It’s still adultery—even to the husband, he’s just okay with it. Adultery means sex outside the marriage. Just because the husband allows it doesn’t mean it’s not adultery on her part. I’m not judging it, just calling a spade a spade.
      
      — Sarah, Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
      1. adultery has meaning only to those who believe that it exists
        
        They obviously don’t.
        
        He enjoys what she does, and she certainly enoys what she does, period.
        
        — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
2. Sex has nothing to do with God. Save your biblical bull for the easily duped.
  
  She wants it huge and she is getting it and that is all that matters to her and her cuckhold husband.
  
  — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
3. If all three of your suggested counselors would give the same advice, is there any difference between them? Going to a place of religious worship for âGodly therapyâ only gets you therapy from a regular man, not from God. Nothing wrong with that but they donât have a modern understanding of sexual relations this question needs. Cat did an outstanding job of addressing the manâs dilemma.
  
  — Josh 11/23/2010 Reply
Divorce her…PERIOD. Move on….

— Jeff - Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
Wait,, am I the only one who see’s the real problem as being the coworker? This is none of his business. And making the snide comments could be taken as sexual harassment? This business could be in for a serious lawsuit.

Who sleeps with who is between the couple. Period. Maybe this guy should try a taste of brown sugar.

— Rick 11/23/2010 Reply
1. I think Rick made an excellent point. For a subject of this nature to be brought up in the work place could be sexual harrassement. “Ultimatum” should bring it up to his H.R. department. He would still have his job and couldnt get fired for it. That would take care of his worry for his job. If he still wants her to stop after that is taken care of ,well, then they are due for a frank and honest discussion about it. Plenty of people have open marriages/relationships, wife swapping parties, swingers you name it. Adult stores thrive today because of it. And what goes on in a couples relationship is between them. As they say “dont judge lest ye be judged themselves” or another good one “let those who are without sin cast the first stone”. So quit callling names people. Its beneath you. Worry about your own home first!!
  
  — Dani-the burgh 11/23/2010 Reply
2. I agree, my first thought was about the coworker. Ultimatum and his wife were doing just fine (by their standards) until he blabbed his personal business to the colleague. Stupid move btw. But the coworker has no right to say anything. I, for one, can’t stand the thought of anyone putting their hands on my wife. That’s why she’s my WIFE, not just some woman I know.
  
  — John in Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
Love is love, and it’s something that spans well beyond sexuality. You could love a being and share no sexual attraction, or not love somebody and share immense sexual attraction. It’s giving in to the weaker sides of human nature (jealousy, control, confinement, etc.) to require sexual fidelity from someone you love. Love is expressed in many different ways, and sexuality is just one component.

Rather than being derided, this man should be applauded for being able to connect to his wife in a genuine way without letting the assumptions of others define how he sees her. All you men that are deriding him are most likely dealing with your insecurities and ‘need’ to have a woman to yourself.

Further, trashing the woman as some type of hoe-bag is also baseless. Sexual preferences and voraciousness vary heavily, and one should applaud a woman so strong and in tune with her sexuality deeply enough to embrace it openly.

Race is not the issue, but I would suggest further accents the insecurities as it deepens a fear that white men hold towards the perceived black ‘greatness’ in this realm.

He expressed in his letter that he and his wife share a deep and genuine love that’s flourished for many years. Maybe that’s not something you can connect with, and so you put your assumptions into their context. Let them be…

I don’t think he should all of a sudden expect her to change because some d-bag insecure co-worker is making jokes and messing with him. He should be more willing to defend his wife and the love they share. Putting restrictions because of what ‘the boys at work’ think is somewhat weak… it surprises me that he’s not able to deal with that while maintaining the courage to embrace his wife’s sexuality.

Why would you break a bond of any kind or divorce someone that you love deeply? Love is not about sacrificing and expecting sacrifices, it’s about acceptance and opening our heart and embracing the most wondrous aspects of our human nature.

Whatever works for you, fine… although I disagree with the advice about seeking external help. Therapists are generally too caught up in conventional mindsets and these are people with an unconventional and advanced perspective.

I would suggest thinking about how special what you have is, and finding the courage to deal with the co-workers, even as others remain behind. Connect with your wife to seek further strength, but don’t ask her to change because of what others say. That’s akin to telling your Sikh friend to take off his turban and shave his beard or asking a Rasta to cut his dreads because others don’t understand the sacredness of it.

Courage!

Referencing the ten commandments is not very relevant… God is Love, and who are you or any other human to put a boundary on God’s love and understanding. Your interpretation of God’s words are way different than mine. The ten commandments were given to a specific group of people in a specific time and in a specific context. Even if embracing the wisdom of God in accepting them, it’s important to remember God shared what was needed for ‘his’ ‘chosen people’ at a critical time in their history. God has upgraded the message and spoken to us in many different ways since then.

Some related prophecy:

In the immortal words of R. Kelley… ‘I don’t see nothin’ wrong… with a little bump & grind’.

In the immortal words of Tupac Shakur… ‘Only God Can Judge Me Now’

— Steel City Jai 11/23/2010 Reply
1. I agree with much of what you said there, Jai. However, I do disagree about one thing: Race is an issue. She prefers well-endowed black men. That in itself makes race an issue.
  
  — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/24/2010 Reply
Normally I agree with you Cat, (so you know what is coming next), but you blew the call on this one. Ultimatum needs to man-up, grow a set, and kick his degenerate wife to the curb. He needs to divorce her NOW.

— Jim - Pittsburgh 11/23/2010 Reply
1. Why? What are the grounds for divorce?
  
  What is your reason for calling her degenerate? What do you know about her beyond her affinity for a lot of variety in sexual partners and black men?
  
  Cat’s advice I think is very fair, although I disagree that she is being selfish and I do not think that a therapist would be help; it’s actually outside opinion that is causing the problem.
  
  If he loves her deeply and she loves him deeply, why abandon that? That’s a beautiful thing they have going on… many years of openness and understanding… that is something most people never attain.
  
  They’re more open-minded about their sexuality, and she is resistant to change something they’re comfortable with on the basis of others’ opinions. I think this very reasonable and the problem is more his behavior than her ‘not accommodating his work-buddies’
  
  I’m sorry, but in a close relationship, especially a marriage, what matter most is the mutual understanding and care between the two people. Everyone outside will ALWAYS have variant opinions…
  
  The moment you start pandering to ‘outside opinion’ within your private sacred relationship, is the moment the problems begin; then, it never ends.
  
  If she was a ‘puritan saint’, some people would be critical of that… ‘she’s boring and morally superior… blah’,
  
  Just based off the letter, I would say this is the core of the problem: he’s doubting himself because he’s let these people get to him.
  
  He shouldn’t have to ‘test her love’ by asking her to ‘calm down’ for his reputation. His ‘career’ is not really at stake unless he lets people think and say that they’re ‘doing something wrong’ or that he’s ‘not a man’.
  
  For real, the man who’s calling him out is likely dealing with his own insecurity; ‘bullies’ and ‘teasers’ tend to fit into this pattern. Enlightened men or women are not going to be spouting judgements
  
  — Steel City Jai 11/24/2010 Reply
Furthermore,

What makes you ‘more of a man’…

Standing up for your and your wife’s unique beliefs?
or
Asking your wife that you love to change her nature because some dude is talking trash?

I would hold more respect for a man who stands behind his wife and their ways. In fact, if she’s got a reputation around town for getting down, and then all of a sudden she stopped, I would be HIGHLY disappointed because essentially he got owned on by some ‘guy at work’.

Who’s a stronger man… the guy who can keep the love of a sexually-strong woman, or the guy who imposes puritanical notions on his wife?

Yes, different and extreme, but very analogous:
Do you hold more respect for the guy who’s married to a porn-star and comfortable with it or the guy from the Taliban who’s wife is essentially his property?

Really think about the implications of what many of you’re suggesting…

Why do we feel it’s OK to accept the idea that a man is more of a man by being able to ‘hold a woman in her place’ (all the comments along the lines of ‘i wouldn’t let that happen’).

Do remember that Jesus saw past the BS and respected and showed divine love to Mary Magdalene (I for one believe they also hooked up) and did not treat her like ‘some whore’. A woman is much more than her sexual history or preferences; it’s disappointing that we still aren’t able to get past and actually promote/accept patriarchal male views.. This is the weaker part of our human nature, not the divine part of our nature.

— Steel City Jai 11/24/2010 Reply
1. Steel City Jai, I cannot find any evidence in Ultimatum’s letter that he is interested in putting his wife in her place or holds to a patriarchal view of marriage. The opposite seems true. Your use of the words Taliban and puritanical paint a distorted picture and fire up emotions that are irrelevant to this situation. Also, your beliefs are yours (and you’re welcome to hold them), but I would suggest a bit more research regarding your grasp of religion, especially Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Your accuracy there is not even close. Though Jesus surely showed the utmost respect and love for women, your claims of them hooking up actually degrades the truth of the matter, and, I believe, your point. Check your facts better.
  
  — Jon in Bradenton, FL 11/30/2010 Reply
  1. I don’t think Steel City was referring to the letter writer’s intent to put his wife ‘in her place’ so much as the attitude of many of the commenters.
    
    I’d recommend the writer look into the National Coaltion for Sexual Freedom. They can help put him in touch with a therapist who is ‘kink aware’ and can help he and his wife better communicate without being judgmental about their (I believe) shared fetish. There are also resources out there to advise him on ensuring his private life doesn’t become grounds for discrimination at work.
    
    And, Jon, telling someone to ‘check their facts’ in a situation where there are no facts, just more popular versions of possible events from ancient times, isn’t exactly helpful. There’s absolutely no hard evidence for either your idea or Steel City’s, so just accept other’s beliefs as their own, just as likely to be as right or as horribly misguided as yours.
    
    — Maria 12/01/2010 Reply
    1. Well said, Maria. So, how are you with sexual freedoms?
      
      — LeBron from Pittsburgh 12/01/2010 Reply
  2. Jon…
    
    I am most definitely not referring to the original writer’s view-points, but to the general/prevalent attitude that seems to be accepted (and accented in the comments here): that a man is ‘more of a man’, if he is able to ‘keep his women in line’. I actually applaud the writer’s ability to see past this, but do recognize and am pointing out that it’s difficult to maintain this when everyone else suggests otherwise; i see this as part of the core of the problem.
    
    The point about taliban-like mentalities towards ‘women as property’ is very relevant, as it is a similar perspective that still persists in our society today, although heavily tempered by the strides society has made in advancing the position and status of women. What we see in a taliban-society is an extreme version of the same attitude that both fears and disrespects the strength of woman’s sexual selection. Traditionally, there has always been more restrictions on a woman’s sexual freedom than a man’s; in some society’s it has been very tangible legal and enforced repercussions, while in our more ‘liberated’ society it has morphed more into reputation/name-calling/etc.
    
    I am not saying that there is no difference, but to not see the similarity/connection is to not recognize the truth that we’re not as ‘equal’ as we like to think. When it comes to ‘getting around’, a woman becomes a ‘straight-up-ho’ really quickly, while a man becomes a somewhat-admired ‘player’. It is this hypocrisy that is revealed through general comments, and that I believe warrants pointing out.
    
    I feel very comfortable with my ‘grasp of religion’, both ‘scholarly’, but by far more importantly (to me) in establishing a personal connection with the divine.
    
    In the framework of a Christian perspective, Jesus as both Divine and Human, serves as prime example of demonstrating some of the best examples of what we can be and possibly should strive for.
    
    Discussing ‘facts’ is pretty much pointless, but discussing teachings can be of value, and from discussions I’ve had with Catholics, she was an ‘adultress’ and/or a ‘whore’ (something viewed very negatively in this forum)
    
    So my point about Mary Magdalene is that yes, Jesus showed great respect towards women, EVEN, when they are so societally ‘tainted’. So should we not strive to look past a woman’s perceived sins and be able to love her irregardless? Jesus inspires me because he was able to connect with and see the beauty in the ‘rejects’ of society; to me, showing that society’s lens and perceptions of a person’s worth hold NO weight to Divine Love.
    
    Is this not a better direction to strive for than our earthly judgments?
    
    In regards to them ‘hooking up’; to me, this is not that important, but something I believe in and find great inspiration in. Getting deep into Christian mysticism, there is a lot of wisdom in the emphasis of Christ being both simultaneously God and Human; not half-God/half-human, but fully-God and fully-human. This ‘mystery’, to me, holds great keys to understanding the presence of God in ourselves and understanding God in all our actions, even those that we hold ‘shame’ in. As God, he was able to show divine love, then if accepting he is also human, why do we hold such difficulty in accepting that he may’ve shown ‘earthly’ love as well?
    
    — Steel City Jai 12/05/2010 Reply
What would this man lose by getting a divorce? The wife seems extremely spoiled. If she liked very expensive things and the cost was forcing her husband to go broke and he asked her to cut back and she said refused, nobody would support her freedom to spend as much as she pleases. The idea of marriage is simple and nobody has to get married. If you do it and find it’s not “enough” for you, that’s why we have divorces.

— Keri 11/24/2010 Reply
Wonder if his wife ate white meat for Thanksgiving? How can you still love a women who cheats on you? Dump her, start over and find yourself a nice women.

— Jason 11/27/2010 Reply
1. You are missing the point, Jason. He enjoys it in a sexual nature that his wife is getting it fro well endowed black men. He is a cuckhold.
  
  — LeBron from Pittsburgh 11/27/2010 Reply
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…… I hope he loses his job and gets HIV….. Pansy.

— Bill from Pgh 12/14/2010 Reply
1. That doesn’t make sens (the HIV part) and you must not have read his letter.
  
  He’s not getting sex, so how can he get HIV?
  
  — LeBron from Pittsburgh 12/14/2010 Reply
  1. Who says he’s not getting sex? He never said that. He allows her infidelity but he might be still sleeping with her too.
    
    — Jim 12/14/2010 Reply