Columns
Hiding A Party Video From Her Boss & 'Mostly Nice' Husband Has A Fierce Temper
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
DEAR CAT: I have an almost-executive position at a very large company. The people in my department are terrific. Recently the wife of a colleague threw him a surprise party at a restaurant and she filmed it for their family webpage. The webpage is well-known in the company (it has great videos of their travels, etc) and even though I wasnât drunk or acting odd I donât want executives seeing footage of me outside the office. I might be up for a big promotion and I am uncomfortable with that video out there for all the world to see. Can I ask them to take the video down? — ON MY WAY UP
DEAR ON: Yes, you can ask, but youâd deny them the joy of sharing their family events as they always do. I understand your nervousness but you werenât drunk, you didnât Xerox your butt and unless you sang Happy Birthday a la Marilyn Monroeâ¦..Catâs Call: Chances are the world has no interest in that video.
DEAR CAT: Iâve been married for 13 years to a man who is mostly kind, funny and a good person. Heâs never hit me or our children but he has a terrible temper. Heâs thrown objects at the wall, slammed doors off their hinges, etc. Four years ago I moved out and filed for divorce. After a few months we agreed to work on our marriage, thatâs when I discovered his affair with a much younger woman. I forgave him because I felt guilty for moving out. Our therapist suggested he give up his other “girl,” which he did and I thought we could make things work. Lately heâs been acting angry again, like berating in front of the kids. He rarely admits fault, instead everyone else has a problem and “doesn’t learn from their mistakes.” (He views my setting the dryer to âbeepâ as a mistake that needs corrected.) I walk on eggshells and Iâm starting to regret spending the last four years trying to fix my marriage. I asked him to move out but part of me wonders if I should keep trying? I want him to seek counseling but he has yet to do this. It is a scary thought to move on with my life because I do love him, but I think if heâs unwilling to seek help, things will just get worse. What do you think? — AT A CROSSROADS
DEAR CROSSROADS: First let me remind you that I am not a doctor. Okay here goes. Your husbandâs temper makes me very afraid for your familyâs safety. Yes, things will probably get worse and just think what âworseâ means. Today itâs the dryer setting, tomorrow itâs a toy on the floor. At what point does he stop slamming doors and start slamming you or the kids? You already left once, now youâre leaving again and still he wonât seek help. If losing his wife and children isnât enough incentive to get help, that indicates a problem far beyond anger. I wonât tell you to stay or go but I will say thisâ¦.Catâs Call: He didnât cheat because you moved out.
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
To Crossroads: Sounds like your husband does whatever he can get away with in an attempt to control everything and everybody around him, including you. You need to weigh the good with the bad, but it seems like there is an awful lot of bad that is getting worse and worse. Evidently he hasn’t actually assaulted anyone yet, maybe you both need to go see a professional counsellor before it does get to that level?
— Carm in Pittsburgh 11/24/2009 Reply
CROSSROADS’ husband can’t control his anger because he’s miserable, THAT’s why he cheated Cat sensed that right. I believe in marriage and in divorce. You can want marriage at one time and ten years later it doesn’t feel right anymore. Take religion out of it and then think about your marriage. Kick him out because he doesn’t want to be there anyway, neither do you.
— David, OH 11/24/2009 Reply
Hey fellow Kat here! I loved your answer to ON MY WAY UP, it made me laugh! I see her point (I’m an exec in a major corp) but it goes to show that this era of youtube and blogging and such makes people think that other people have interest in our lives. I pictured Marilyn singing happy birthday LOL. As to the other question she should follow her instincts and get rid of her husband. That is scary.
— Kat in Pittsburgh 11/24/2009 Reply
Dear Crossroads, Cat may not tell you but I willl…GET OUT…GET OUT…GET OUT. He may not have hit you or your children yet, but odds are, he eventually will. You are being abused already – emotionally and psychologically. Why would you feel guilty about moving out when he was the one who cheated? Do you think so little of yourself, or do you believe you need a guy, no matter how violent he is, in your life to make you complete? Do you have a daughter? If you do, think about her. If you stay with your abusive husband, your daughter will be raised believing that it is alright for the men in her life to treat her so poorly and that it is okay that they are abusive to her.
— Mary, Pittsburgh 11/24/2009 Reply
Ladies you are never to blame for a man cheating on you. “Crossroads” is going to kick herself for forgiving her husband but not until he’s her ex-husband. He’s a loser, sorry to say. When you have a wife and kids they come first. Don’t like your marriage, get out of it. Don’t cheat, throw things and act like an apeman. If I knew this guy I’d kick his ass. Wife first, children second. Get it loser? Protect and honor the mother of your children first and foremost.
— Thom, Pittsburgh 11/24/2009 Reply
I mean this in a respectful way: why are women so weak? They let men treat them like crap. She describes him as mostly kind and good like she’s a Stepford robot programmed to say nice, be nice, sugar and spice. Mike’s call: Tell everyone how he acts. Call a lawyer. Get a divorce.
— Michael in Pittsburgh 11/24/2009 Reply
Cat, I read your column all of the time. This is to your readers: Women, when it comes to infidelity don’t give men power over you! Stand up for yourselves! I was married for 8 yrs. The first time my husband cheated on me was after five years. He told me on our 5 yr Anniversary. I decided to stay with him because I loved him. The 2nd time he cheated was only 3 yrs later. He had an entire relationship with a woman. He kept it a secret for months. He decided to tell me on our 8th Anniversary. It gets better: He got her pregnant. This was the man I married. To your readers, if your husband cheats a first time there will be a second. Since this letter I have filed for divorce and have gotten on with my life. My life will get better, he will have to live with himself day after day. Good luck to his next victim!!
— Laurie, New Kern PA 11/24/2009 Reply
This guy likes to slam doors off the hinges? Get sliding doors. Just a thought.
— J., USA 11/24/2009 Reply
Re: todayâs column in the Post Gazette â you should refer people in a violent domestic situation to contact their nearest shelter to get advice on HOW to leave. You canât just leave without a plan. For instance, a person needs to collect documents, copies of bank statements and investments, birth certificates, family photos and other important things. Hide these at work or at a friendâs house, or get a safe deposit box. And when leaving a violent person, do not go anywhere he might find you, such as a relative or friendâs house. There is a method to this so it might be good for you to recommend researching that plan.
— L. Pittsburgh PA 11/24/2009 Reply
To answer Michael’s question as to why women are so weak…In a nutsehell, as a society (but not all parents), we raise our daughters to think of themselves as “little princesses” who need to be taken care of by a man. Just watch all the shows on TV geared toward teenagers. We should be raising our daughters to be strong and independent (in every sense of the word), who should look for a man as an equal partner and not as a provider. Society teaches our daughters that they need to have a man in order to be complete, and a lot of women believe it is better to have a man (no matter how he treats her) than to be single.
— Mary, Pittsburgh 11/24/2009 Reply
Dear Cat,
I read your article about the woman who is married to a verbally abusive, hot tempered husband. It was eerily familiar. I was married to someone just like that. He too cheated, but it while I was still living in the home. Living with someone like this eroded myself esteem. It made me afraid all the time and undermined my self worth. I lost jobs because it, I was always shaking, and my nerves were on edge all the time. It took me two years after my divorce to recover. I still have nightmares now and again. I stayed too long trying to fix something that was not my problem. I found out later that my husband was hiding a drug problem. I hope she finds the courage to leave. It took me six years to figure out that my marriage simply wasn’t going to work with only one person emotionally invested in it.
— Happy Now In Florida 11/24/2009 Reply
I love the answer to the first question, it made me laugh out loud! You have a way of saying “get over it, this isn’t a serious problem” without being rude or dismissive. Also I like how there is one very serious question and the other is ‘light.’ I feel sorry for the wife with the angry husband.
— Jen, NYC 11/24/2009 Reply
To “On My Way Up” — get over yourself. Also, take it from one who’s been on the top. The way down is a lot quicker. And it’s not that much fun at the top — there’s always another eager beaver trying to undercut you.
Regarding “AT A CROSSROADS,” it’s a small step from slamming doors to slamming your head against that door. Life is too short and too precious. Get you and your kids out of there. For good, this time.
— Mike, Downtown 11/24/2009 Reply
Hmmm … while I completely agree that any woman (or any man!) should exit a verbally abusive marriage and/or a marriage that is more fear than love, I have to disagree with one comment Cat made (as did Mary). Just because a man has a temper and throws things/slams doors DOES NOT mean it will ever escalate to hitting/physical abuse. It can and in some marriages it does, but the majority of cases I’ve studied show that physical abuse starts within the first year of marriage (excessive force in grabbing the partner’s arm, a less than gentle slap to the backside, etc.). That being said, no one should live in a miserable situation – life is too short. You don’t have to actually file for divorce if you don’t want to – just move out and sever contact except when an intermediary is present – but do get on with your life. Let him file for divorce.
— No Name in Pgh 11/24/2009 Reply