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Is Maturity Worth The Effort? And...He Takes Off When She Wants To Talk
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
DEAR CAT: There is a guy I like at work. He jokes a lot and I don’t always know when he is serious. We are both in our 40’s, weâve flirted, talked, looked into each otherâs eyes, all the things you do when you like someone. This went on for almost two weeks and I waited for him to ask me out. Then one day he came into work and asked me if I liked him. I said ânoâ with a smile and a laugh. The next day he asked me the same question and I laughingly inquired why he was asking me again. After that, things cooled off and we didnât talk as much. I asked him if he was mad at me and he jokingly called me a witch (and something that rhymes with witch.) I actually wanted to talk to him about things but I thought it may be a waste of time. At this point I’m thinking he has a maturity problem. I still like him. Should I talk to him about things or just let it all go at this point? — IS IT WORTH THE EFFORT?
DEAR WORTH: Youâre correct, he does have a maturity problem, but thatâs something you have in common! Thatâs not the worst thing in the world but it is counterproductive to dating, especially in your 40s. Heâs not mature enough to know you shouldnât ask a woman if she likes you before youâve even dated her. And you didnât try to talk to him privately and clear the air. Asking him âare you mad at me?â is annoyingly coy and his calling you a âbitchâ as a jokey response is beyond inappropriate at work. You two would either be a dating disaster or a match made in heaven. Thereâs only one way to know for sure. Catâs Call: Talk to him!
DEAR CAT: I am a 56 year old divorced woman in a relationship with a 53 year old man. The problem is, I canât have any kind of conflict with him because when I do, he takes off and sometimes I wonât hear from him for days. It is very disconcerting. He will not discuss feelings at all. When we are together he is kind and generous as long as I don’t bring up anything that would cause conflict. I feel I can’t have any emotional relationship with him because I am always afraid he will take off. He has done it five times over the past year. Your call? â AFRAID TO SPEAK UP
DEAR AFRAID: For your sake, I hope the relationship isnât exclusive. He suffers from ârun away syndrome,â a highly unsophisticated condition wherein he avoids any subject he finds uncomfortable and you get manipulated into permanent quietude and walking on eggshells. Itâs really fun! Do you wonder what would happen to the relationship if you got sick or experienced a tragedy? Sure you do, and you already know the answer. Itâs rare that Iâll recommend breaking up with someone, but the next time you need to talk and he gets up to leave, tell him if he walks out the doorâ¦.Catâs Call: Itâs the last time heâll see the inside of it.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Look, I know that the heart is a lonely hunter, and that we all want to be connected. That’s a given. But the letter today from the 56-year old woman who’s in a relationship with the 53-year old guy who leaves whenever there’s conflict is a type that still mystifies me. This is a woman who’s lived her life…not some 19 year-old naif. And she has to know, has to, that this guy is a nightmare for her. He has her afraid to speak her own mind, and he’s left her five times in the past year…an average of every ten weeks! And that’s with her censoring herself as much as possible. She has to know, has to, that this guy will break her heart. And more than once. I know we all fear loneliness. But loneliness is better than continual misery. Isn’t it?
— Jim 11/30/2010 Reply
Just for the sake of argument, Jim, loneliness may not be better than being in an unsatisfactory relationship. You can’t assume the woman is miserable because maybe she only knows unfulfilling relationships. Yes she has the intelligence to recognize this man isn’t giving what he should but just being ‘with’ someone is enough for a lot of people.
— Thom, Pittsburgh 11/30/2010 Reply
My advice for Afraid, courtesy of the band “Yes”:
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than a
Owner of a broken heart
— Ben, VA 11/30/2010 Reply
Afraid needs to ask herself an additional question. How often is there the potential for conflict and how devastating are the arguments? If Afraid is a woman who likes to argue often then her mate is within his rights to remove himself from the argument. “I can’t have any kind of conflict,” is a vague statement because it does not define what she means by conflict. Is conflict a tactful exchange of feelings or a knock down drag out shouting match?
— Brandon 11/30/2010 Reply
My co-worker says that both women deserve better and should dump their respective men. I agree.
Both need a swift kick in the ass and need to grow up.
What kind of man runs away — literally runs away — from conflict? We always have conflict in our life, and we need to confront and solve it. He sounds like one of my brothers.
The other guy is using humor to cover up insecurities. He’s probably immature when it comes to relationships and possibly life in general.
This is why we need to have the draft reinstated. You get some tech sergeant riding your ass for nine weeks, and you’ll grow up in a hurry. Instead, we have these pansy-ass guys masquerading as men. Grow a pair and stop being selfish.
Wow — that was an unintended rant.
— Mike, Downtown 11/30/2010 Reply
I agree the “bitch” guy is very insecure. I had to go back and read it again to confirm THESE PEOPLE ARE IN THEIR 40S!! Yeah big surprise this guy is single though it’s not a big surprise she still likes him. Ladies I know how it is to like a bad boy now and then, but dumb socially awkward immature boys, you can have em. I don’t even want to think about how bad this guy would be in bed. Same goes for the man in the the other question. I guess if she’s not 100% satisified in the first two minutes, he leaves! Then again he’s probably done by then anyhow.
— K.T. South Side 11/30/2010 Reply
“Runs away from conflict.” There is that phrase again.
Most conflicts are best met head on but there are some conflicts that I run away from as fast as my feet can carry me. An hour long argument is a conflict that you can meet head on. For all we know, however, Afraid might be throwing frying pans at him.
Believe it or not there are some people out there who love to argue, and do it as often as they can. I am not saying that this is the case with Afraid, but given the vague description of the “conflict,” we can’t say for sure that he is not experiencing some form of abuse at her hands. I would like to hear exactly what a typical conflict looks like before I demonize this man.
— Brandon 11/30/2010 Reply
WORTH’s guy has no spine(that is, if the flirting stuff is legit). Seriously – that’s how a teenager acts. He is obviously scared of rejection, which means he doesn’t have much experience. Not that it means there’s something terribly wrong with the guy – but that’s a flag for someone of that age.
However, in his defense, men seem to be more cautious than women about getting involved with co-workers in the event that something goes sour. Men of any age fear getting rejected at work and then having that get around the office.
I would suggest arranging some kind of happy hour with a bunch of people so you can get this guy out of the office and in a more laid back situation. Then maybe you can find out if he really is interested. Either that, or just ignore him for a while and force him to make a move.
— Bryan, Pittsburgh 11/30/2010 Reply