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He’s Trying To Repair His Marriage...Alone & Should They Tell On The Liar Who Got Fired?
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
DEAR CAT: Four months ago I saw my wife cheating. I was driving down the street and saw her walking down the street with a man, then they stopped and kissed. I searched my soul for reasons why she would do such a thing and I concluded that she must not be fulfilled in our marriage. I must travel often for work and I am aware it takes a toll on our closeness. Rather than confront her I decided to change myself and hopefully our marriage. Now I travel 80% less and we spend more time together and it seems to be working. However I can’t get the picture of her lip locked with another man out of my head. Am I taking the right course? — STUCK FOR ANSWERS
DEAR STUCK: Questions like yours make me especially sad because I can only imagine what the past four months have been like for you. I did my best to consider every possible outcome and my instinct remained unchanged – you have to tell your wife that you know about her affair. It’s not fair to go on tormenting yourself when you’ve done nothing wrong. You know she’s lied to you. She knows she’s lied to you. That lie is now hovering over your marriage. Adultery is immensely destructive but many couples survive it. Traveling less is good for the quality of your life but it won’t heal this wound. Talk to her. Allow her to take responsibility. Get it out in the open. If you really want to change your marriage….Cat’s Call: Start with honesty.
DEAR CAT: Your question last week about high school reunions brought up a situation in which my wife and I now find ourselves. I went to my ten year reunion about two months ago and ran into a guy I know professionally (he worked for my friend and our companies do business on occasion). Standing there at the reunion he told a big story about his success and it was all a fabrication. I know this because my friend fired him prior to that reunion, yet there he was bragging about his major position at that company. I’m no rat and I appreciate not wanting to admit that you got fired but his wife knows my wife a little bit and when they last saw each other my wife said it’s clear his wife doesn’t know. Should my wife tell her? — NOT A RAT
DEAR NOT: Absolutely not. Have you considered that his wife did know and she allowed him to lie so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed at his reunion? And maybe she doesn’t want to discuss it with your wife because they only know each other “a little bit.” For all you know he already has another job. Or he’s about to start one. There are any number of possible scenarios and none of them include the two of you butting into another couple’s private life. Besides, his lie didn’t even involve you, so in deference to you not being a rat….Cat’s Call: Now is hardly the time to start.
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!.
Dear SFA,
You have maturity and perspective that are admirable. I agree with Cat, but you need to be very sure to be upfront with what you want the outcome to be when you have that conversation. Clearly, you want your marriage to work – I would start with that.
“Honey, I love you.”
“I know that I was traveling a lot and it was hard for you.”
“I cut down on my travel and things seem better now.”
“I want to be with you forever.”
“I need you to know that when I saw you kissing a strange man, full-on – I knew we had a problem.”
“I have tried to be a better husband, I need to know that you love me too, and that you also want to work together to make this last.”
This is going to be the most critical conversation of your married life.
Really take the time and figure out what you want to say – and the message that you want to deliver.
— s. 01/17/2012 Reply
Honestly, I disagree with this approach. I don’t think that one is obligated to make an adulterer comfortable before confronting them. I would start with “So I saw you making out with some dude a few months ago. What was that about?”
— Brandon 01/17/2012 Reply
Good calls this week. Especially Not a Rat’s question. Any involvement would certainly cause more harm than good. Plus, people lie at their reunions all the time and everyone is really there to glorify themselves. I doubt anyone really cared about his supposed success all that much to begin with.
In response to Stuck. It is a bummer that your wife was unfaithful and, yeah, maybe working hard to put food on the table and keep the lights on kept you away but don’t place all the blame on yourself. Not even half of it. She chose to cheat behind your back instead of being open with you. Don’t let her forget that. Make her sweat a little.
— Brandon 01/17/2012 Reply
Your wife is the one who has to take responsibility. I agree with Cat here. I could agree with “s.” if her/his suggestions didn’t make you out to be the one who “caused” the infidelity. Cheating isn’t something you do just because your spouse is away.
To Not A Rat—you hear people lie all the time, you don’t go run and tell their spouse about it.
— Sean 01/17/2012 Reply
I agree with you 100%. The thing is that SFA has already chosen to stay in the marriage. He needs to make sure that the “I’m not ready to throw this away” message is heard loud and clear up front.
He can certainly up the guilty thing – and it is 100% her fault.
— s. 01/17/2012 Reply
Cat got it right on both counts this week.
SFA needs to grow a pair. You should be angry. You should confront her. And, you should be willing to walk away from this exploitative relationship. She will either respond with regret and a commitment to make things work, in which case you might consider hanging in. Or, she will see how much she can continue to disrespect you. In which case, you gather what little bit of self-respect you have lurking in the marrow of your bones..and walk away.
Hey ladies…can’t help but notice the sound of crickets when women act like pigs.
— Dogg Freeport 01/17/2012 Reply
“Hey ladies…can’t help but notice the sound of crickets when women act like pigs.”
^ word
— Brandon 01/17/2012 Reply
I have to agree there’s a lesser response when women act “like pigs” if we want to go with that phrase. I think that if Stuck For Answers read the same question about a man cheating on his wife he wouldn’t tell the wife to just travel less and not say anything to her husband. My call: This isn’t be just about traveling alot. They need to get this out in the open and talk now.
— Jamie- Oakland 01/17/2012 Reply
@ STUCK FOR ANSWERS,
First, it could have been worse. You could have caught them more than lip-locked. But since you didn’t, do you actually know that she “cheated” on you?
A kiss is a kiss, but a romp is a romp.
Second, most men cheat and are “dogs” because they like to “conquer” woman. The act of conquering rules.
Women mostly cheat because their needs aren’t being met. Those needs could be sexual, emotional, etc.
Before accusing your wife of anything, tell her what you saw and ask her to explain it. I am pretty sure you will find out right away if she actually cheated or not. And if so, why she did it.
One more thing, she may already know that you know something was up with her. I mean, if you began to travel 80% less soon after “the Kiss” and if she is somewhat perceptive, she most likely figured it out – that you knew she was at least kissing another man or that she actually cheated.
Either way you slice it . . . Good luck!
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/18/2012 Reply
“Second, most men cheat and are “dogs” because they like to “conquer” woman. The act of conquering rules.
Women mostly cheat because their needs aren’t being met. Those needs could be sexual, emotional, etc.”
I disagree completely. All people cheat for one reason. They want to have sex with someone other than the person that they are not supposed to cheat on. When you suggest that a woman only cheats because her needs aren’t being met you portray her as a victim.
Not all men like to “conquer,” women. And more than a few that do like to conquer women stay single so that they can expand their list of conquests. Similarly not all women whose “needs,” aren’t being met (which in my experience is all of them) go out and cheat.
People cheat because they want to have orgasms with other people and women are just as accountable as men.
— Brandon 01/18/2012 Reply
LeBron is way off here. Since when is kissing not cheating??? you don’t have to have intercourse for it to be cheating, that is definitely one of the dumber things I’ve read in a while. Stuck For Answers needs to realize that his wife is definitely cheating no matter what. Personally I can’t believe she was kissing a man in public like it’s nothing. That shows how casual she is about the cheating, if she was willing to do it walking down the damn street! Lebron, both sexes cheat for the reason Brandon stated, because people want to have sex with someone else. Why they want to have that sex is not important because sexually touching someone other than your spouse is cheating, period.
— Steeler Fan 01/18/2012 Reply
@ Steeler Fan,
“Since when is kissing not cheating???”
Why do you need to use three question marks? One suffices.
At times, I use the term “cheating” and “adultery” as the same. Kissing is not adultery. Adultery is not kissing. And, in that context I was using the term “cheating” as adultery.
“you don’t have to have intercourse for it to be cheating, that is definitely one of the dumber things I’ve read in a while.”
Coming from you, I’ll take that as a compliment.
“Stuck For Answers needs to realize that his wife is definitely cheating no matter what.”
Was she cheating or committing adultery? Kissing is not adultery. Kissing can be cheating, Cheating is not necessarily adultery.
“Lebron, both sexes cheat for the reason Brandon stated, because people want to have sex with someone else. Why they want to have that sex is not important because sexually touching someone other than your spouse is cheating, period.”
This has to be one of the dumbest comments I have read on this site. First, both you and Brandon area incorrect, spouses, most people in a relationship cheat because of an underlying reason, not to just have sex, unless you are a man, then it most likely will be the thrill of the chase and conquering (power).
Any expert in this area would state that why anyone cheats is extremely important. The underlying cause, if found and then either cured would most likely prevent or end the cheating/adultery before it begins.
Sexually touching is not adultery. Kissing is not adultery. You don’t make sense. You talk about sex with someone else and then delve into ‘sexually touching” which I would have to assume you mean kissing, which is not having sex or adultery.
I feel like I am explaining this in circles. LOL
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/19/2012 Reply
@ Brandon,
“I disagree completely. All people cheat for one reason. They want to have sex with someone other than the person that they are not supposed to cheat on. When you suggest that a woman only cheats because her needs aren’t being met you portray her as a victim.”
Experts in the area of adultery/cheating would disagree with you. Men and women cheat for different reasons, and many times it is not just to have sex with another person. There are events in their lives that lead one to another man or woman other than his or her partner, spouse, etc. I never said “woman only cheats.” I will address that below.
Men will cheat more often because of their innate urge to have more than one female partner – the thrill of the chase – whether married or not. Women will do so mainly because of a lack of fulfillment which could be physical or emotional.
“Not all men like to “conquer,” women. And more than a few that do like to conquer women stay single so that they can expand their list of conquests. Similarly not all women whose “needs,” aren’t being met (which in my experience is all of them) go out and cheat.”
You like others on this site like to put words into other people’s mouths. I never said “all men” or “all women”. I never said “woman only cheats.” Now go back and read what I originally wrote and realize you are in error.
“People cheat because they want to have orgasms with other people and women are just as accountable as men.”
If a loving couple is having great sex, which includes orgasms, there is no need to cheat. There is no need to have orgasms with other people. The reason for cheating would be what I already mentioned above.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/19/2012 Reply
“Second, most men cheat and are “dogs” because they like to “conquer” woman. The act of conquering rules.
Women mostly cheat because their needs aren’t being met. Those needs could be sexual, emotional, etc.”
Swell. Whatever the reason she should be just as a reviled by her husband as the man she was kissing should be reviled by his wife (if he has one). When a man cheats he is a pig. When a woman cheats she is a slut. Anything else is a cop-out. Do they have different reasons for cheating? Perhaps, but the labels still fit regardless of the circumstances. If you are going to hold a man accountable then you must do the same for a woman. If you f*ck another man while you are in a relationship because your “needs weren’t being met,” then you are a needy slut.
I would love to see the data that you have compiled. Who are the experts that you referred to?…??
— Brandon 01/19/2012 Reply
Lebron needs a chill pill. You’re fixated on semantics. Adultery is cheating on your spouse. Cheating is stepping out on the person you’re in a relationship with. Kissing is cheating. If your wife or girlfriend kisses another man you’d feel the same.
— Sammy, PGH 01/19/2012 Reply
I’m sorry Lebron but you don’t make sense at all. I read your ‘explanation’ ten times to make sure I’m not missing it. You say kissing is cheating but kissing is not adultery, but you claim to know what adultery means. HUH?????????????? That woman is married. She kissed another man. That is adultery. If she wasn’t married it would just be ‘cheating’ but since she IS married it is called ‘adultery.’
— Sammy, PGH 01/20/2012 Reply
@Sammy,
I will be nice to you Sammy and not insult you for not knowing what adultery is. In any court of law, if a spouse would try to divorce on the grounds of adultery and the judge asked what exactly happened and the spouse who wants the divorce said my husband/wife kissed another man.
The judge would throw the case out.
As can be found in any dictionary:
a·dul·ter·y /əˈdʌltəri/ Show Spelled[uh-duhl-tuh-ree] Show IPA
noun, plural -ter·ies.
voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.
Kissing is not adultery. Kissing is cheating. Get it?
Probably not.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/20/2012 Reply
Thank you Lebron. You could have done that without the attitude and just said you’re using the dictionary definition which means intercourse. It also would have been helpful to say that in the begining and not wasted time. It doesn’t matter what a judge would do, this woman is cheating on her husband, that’s not any better! A spouse is cheating on a spouse, that is the point here. We can probably safely assume she has committed full adultery as well since she was walking down the street kissing that man. You usually don’t act like that if an affair isn’t going on.
To Brandon, I agree people really go to reunions to “glorify themselves”. I never saw the point of reunions. I can think of 100 ways to spend a night that are more enjoyable. I liked high school but it was a long time ago. I don’t want to reunite with elementary school people. What’s the difference?
— Sammy, PGH 01/20/2012 Reply
It appears that the mob has spoken, LeBron. Whether or not you are “right,” nobody seems to agree with you.
— Brandon 01/20/2012 Reply
@NOT A RAT,
“Should my wife tell her?”
No freeking way! First, it is really none of your business. Second, you said your wife knows his wife “a little bit.” If they know each other only a little bit, how can your wife say with certainty that his wife doesn’t know?
She can’t.
Since they only know each other a little bit, maybe, just maybe, the bragging husband’s wife only wants to share a little bit of information with your wife and is keeping the truth for those who are in her “inner circle” and or family.
Therefore, if your wife tells her and . . .
1. She doesn’t know, what good will it do anyway? No good at all. That is their business, and is up to the husband to tell her.
But I think this is more likely . . .
2. She already knows, but didn’t want your wife to know that she knows, she telling her something she already knows and doesn’t need to tell her.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/20/2012 Reply