Columns
Wife Gets A Thrill From Daily Emails & Why Is Her Friend Out To Get Her?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
DEAR CAT: Iâve been a happily married woman for fifteen years. About six months ago my high school sweetheart found me on Facebook and we started e-mailing each other. We haven’t spoken on the phone but we email every day, and several times a day. Mostly we talk about our lives, spouses, kids, jobs, etc. It’s very innocent and we never bring up the past. I look forward to our daily correspondence, but I feel guilty about it. I âtalkâ with him more than some of my friends. I get a thrill every time I see his name in my inbox. Some days it’s the main thing I look forward to. My husband knows we e-mail but he doesn’t know it’s every day. And since we live very far apart there are no plans to get together. Should I just enjoy this, or do you think I should cool it with the daily e-mails? — âPENâ PAL
DEAR PEN: âInnocentâ is a curious word to describe correspondence that makes you feel guilty. I wonât bother you with the principle of the matter – that secret communication with any man other than your spouse is inappropriate – instead Iâll ask you to reverse the situation and imagine if your husband were emailing several times every day with his high school girlfriend and got excited at the sight of her name. We both know what your reaction would be. With that in mindâ¦.Catâs Call: If you feel the need to lie about it, you probably shouldnât be doing it.
DEAR CAT: I had a friend who wronged me twice. First: she told my ex everything I told her about my new boyfriend. She even called my daughter to try and get information, which made me furious. Second: She and I are both foster parents and she got mad because I wouldnât give her one of the kids I had. She even badmouthed me to the little boyâs caseworker. The sad part about all this is that we work for the same company, in the same office, and her kids are my cousins. Itâs been a year and I donât talk to her or have any dealings with her, but I can still hear her whispering on the phone about me. She tried to harass me but I got her written up for that, so it stopped. How do you deal with a backstabbing, grimy person like that? In her mind she has done no wrong, and she proclaims to be a Christian! — FRIENDS NO MORE
DEAR NO MORE: You say the sad part is your proximity to one another but whatâs truly sad is that she views foster kids as pawns, or meal tickets. Youâve already dealt with her in the smartest way, by removing her from your life as much as possible. As for her proclamations of Christianity, religion is like love â proclaiming it is meaningless if your actions belie your words. But I suspect you omitted major parts of the story, like why she hates you so much in the first place. You did something bad becauseâ¦.Catâs Call: A friend only talks about you to an ex when sheâs really out to get you.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I like how Pen Pal says there are no plans to meet up with the ex because “we live far apart.” That tells me she would get together with him if he lived closer. Doesn’t mean they’d have a sexual affair but she never says she wouldn’t. She should more than cool it with the emails. She should wish him well then cut off all communication with him.
— Thom, Pittsburgh 01/18/2011 Reply
Re: Friends No More,
I have children who will occasionally tell on each other, usually over something minor. When one is guilty of beginning the offense, they usually try to get to the parents first to give us their version of events, and if they feel they’re not winning our immediate support they begin heaping up phrases and crimes meant to get us on their side. “Friends…” sounds just like them! With each new sentence I read above, she lost me, and I felt bad for her friend. And, one more thought…probably the cheapest of cheap shots is to end one’s rant with a stab at the offender’s religion. “Dear” is clearly out of ammo at that point and reaches for one last parting shot. I like your “call” on this one, Cat.
— Jon in Bradenton, FL 01/18/2011 Reply
I never ever friend anyone on facebook who I have gotten further than second base with. This system works for me, and it might work for you.
— Jason from Cranberry 01/18/2011 Reply
Maybe you mean this as a joke but it’s a good idea! As a married woman (“happily” is up for debate considering her story) she shouldn’t be regularly communicating with this man even out in the open. As for being facebook friends…for married people it isn’t appropriate to be connected with exes.
— Marie. (west end) 01/18/2011 Reply
Marie- I hope you don’t mean married people can’t be friends with any exes at all. Some of my exes have been close friends for many years, and I can guarantee I’d never consider dating, let alone marrying someone who had a problem with that. I was even the ‘Best Woman’ at my ex’s wedding, and his wife, who has also become a good friend, had no problem with it. As long as there’s no romantic feelings and everyone is complely up front (my friend told his now wife on the first date that I was his best friend and I do the same on dates; no use wasting time with someone who is possessive or holds to outdated gender stereotypes), I don’t see what the problem is.
LW1’s issue isn’t that she’s communicating with someone she used to date; it’s that she’s still interested and is hiding the extent of the relationship from her husband.
— Maria 01/19/2011 Reply
For work e-mails, I use the Wall Street Journal test. Don’t put anything in writing you wouldn’t want on the front page of the WSJ. Also, that you wouldn’t want a client, outsider, or even a co-worker implicated in the correspondence to see. This is both for professionalism, courtesy and simply keeping things from turning sour quickly.
With these secretive e-mails, I feel like she should be honest about the frequency they e-mail. And she should never write anything she wouldn’t want her husband copied on.
I think Thom makes an insightful comment about her qualifer “we live far apart.” Truly innocent e-mailing is fine, but if there are inappropriate feelings, it needs to stop. I also suspect maybe she’s not as “happily” married as she claims and that something seems to be missing in her relationship if she really gets a thrill from seeing his name in her inbox.
Maybe it is not sinister, but it is probably something that needs attention.
— Andrew from DC 01/18/2011 Reply
“Pen Pal” is not being honest with her husband or herself. Cat is spot on with noting that the emails cannot be innocent if Pen Pal feels guilty AND the thrill she is feeling is a red flag. She is probably flashing back to her youth; but this is not healthy and she needs to stop and focus on her marriage. She needs to write to her old flame and tell him she feels the emailing is inappropriate, wish him well and tell him she cannot email him any longer. A yearly Christmas card at best should suffice. Her husband sounds like a nice guy since he knows she is doing some emailing, and he clearly trusts her. She is abusing that trust and must end it. A happy marriage requires attention, love and, yes, some work – Pen Pal is falling down on the job of maintaining a healthy, loving relationship with her husband.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 01/18/2011 Reply
As for the first question, ‘Thom’ hit it right when he pointed out that she probably WOULD see him in person if only they lived closer together. Because it means she is rationalizing what she’s doing as not an ‘affair’ because it’s not in-person communication. She needs to stop emailing with him immediately. ‘Karen C.’ said it best…she is abusing her husband’s trust and that is very bad.
As for the second question, I’m sorry but these sound like very low class people. I kept getting caught on “one of the foster kids I had” We’re not talking about appliances here! I have a feeling BOTH women see the kids as sources of income. I like very much that Cat did not miss the opportunity to say this woman is undoubtedly in the wrong too. Good call Cat. I didn’t think about that at first (though I already had a low opinion of her) but now it’s all I can focus on. It sounds like a bunch of distantly related people sleeping together and creating makeshift families. Yuck.
— S.T. in pittsburgh 01/18/2011 Reply
“Her kids are my cousins”. Hmmmm, doesn’t that make this woman her Aunt?
Or is it different in the trailerhood?
— Ben, VA 01/18/2011 Reply
LOL Ben.
Seems to me Cat is right on this one. Both actually. The second question is almost weird like these women go way back and have always had problems with each other. What does she expect Cat to tell her beyond what she’s already done? Get another job, is about it. So then GET ANOTHER JOB ALREADY. If you can hear her talking about you, you’re too close. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.
— the man 01/18/2011 Reply
RE: âPENâ PAL
Drop Facebook while you still can.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 01/18/2011 Reply
The answer is this simple… would she allow her husband to view her FaceBook account? If not (because she has something to hide), then she needs to quit all communications with her X unless she wants to dump her hubbie and end her marriage.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/19/2011 Reply
Yeah- I think a “this has been fun, but I need to get my attention back where it belongs. Have a nice life” email needs to be sent… followed by finding ways to get that same excitment back with her husband!!
I don’t think there is anything wrong with married people having friends of the opposite sex, including exes… but our basic needs should be met by our spouse, otherwise our marriage will erode.
— Cora, Pgh 01/19/2011 Reply
It is time to end this email game and from what it sounds like you are emotionally cheating on your husband. If it were a man doing this he would instantly be accused of cheating on his wife.
— The Truth 01/22/2011 Reply
In my life I have heard many stories like this woman’s ‘email tale’ and it comes down to one thing: marriage is boring sometimes but that is not a bad thing. Life is not always about thrill and excitement. I love being married and I wouldn’t change a thing about my wonderful husband. Current generations are tricked into thinking marriage is one long lustful affair like in one’s teenage years. Marriage is a life partnership that people enter into planning on forever together with no others, romantically speaking. It is a simple concept but difficult for many younger people to execute because their expectations are not realistic. My advice to Pen Pal is to stop the emails immediately. Imagine life in your 70s and 80s. If you cease thrill-seeking your husband will be there with you in those later years.
— Margaret in PA 01/22/2011 Reply