Columns
Her Cupboards Are Messy And Her Husband Is Possibly Gay & Do These Best Friends Have A Future?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
DEAR CAT: My husband has a friend, a 55 year old man, and when he goes to his house they drink and he sleeps over. Everyone thinks his friend is gay and thatâs fine, but he is obsessed with my husband; he bosses him around and my husband listens to every word like gospel! Plus my husband gets extremely angry when I tell him I donât like this situation. The friend says, âyour carpets are dirty, your cupboards are messy, you need this and that.â People have commented that both of them are gay, maybe on the down low? I know my husband wouldnât tolerate me spending the night out, not knowing what I am doing. Weâve been married for 20 years but Iâm ready to divorce him over this whole mess. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Your call? â BLOOD PRESSURE RISING
DEAR BLOOD: No, Iâve never heard a straight man complain that his buddyâs cupboards are messy. That point aside, there are two key problemsâ¦1) That you question your husbandâs sexual orientation and 2) his irate reaction when you express your unhappiness with the situation. After twenty years of marriage a reasonable request of oneâs spouse deserves a reasonable reaction. This means if your husbandâs drunken, possibly gay sleepovers bother you, he owes you the courtesy of a calm, thoughtful conversation. The very fact that he gets so defensive and angry means something is up. You absolutely must talk to each other, at length and without screaming or talking about divorce (yet). Is he gay? Is he engaging in any illicit activity during those nights away? Is he secretly getting housecleaning lessons? Catâs Call: Those three questions should be at the top of the list.
DEAR CAT: Iâve been seeing a lady for three years. We are best friends but Iâve been on a roller coaster in this relationship. Sheâs doesnât want a committed relationship; she wants to be my friend, and lover when so desired. When sheâs feels weâre getting too close, she pulls back drastically and at times angrily. I finally stepped back a few months ago, tired of being played like a yoyo. I explained that she dictated the terms of the relationship for too long and if we are to remain friends, she will have to be more consistent. She agreed and things were going fine until recently when her angry pull-back began again. My gut tells me she is feeling too close. Is it time to step away for good? I do love her, Iâm just tired of the games. —TIRED
DEAR TIRED: You canât have a great relationship with someone who wonât open up and get close. You can fall in love, have passion, great sex and fun, but you wonât have the sublime feeling of safety, the security of knowing he or she is âthereâ no matter what. You offer that to her but you donât get it in return. Three years is a long time to wait for even a good relationship. Catâs Call: Itâs far too long to wait for an emotionally volatile, non-committed, sometimes-sexual friendship to change into something workable.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
The husband is gay. I said gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Hey you can be straight guy and have a gay friend. Even drink together and crash at their place but a straight man doesn’t WANT to hang out that much with a gay man who bosses him around. On the 2nd question: dump her. She’s not even your friend.
— Dan, Pgh 01/19/2010 Reply
LOL Cat. You stopped short of telling the woman “your husband is so gay he actually cares that a gay man thinks his carpets are dirty” LOL! How often does that couple have sex? Is this ‘gay friend’ problem their only problem? Does he have really irate reactions to other subjects? If she is thiking about divorce after twenty years of being married, yes being gay is enough but I suspect there’s more going on too. Good calls today.
— Dana in SC, from da Burgh! 01/19/2010 Reply
My call…I really agree with your answers today. I usually agree with you but the second question reminds me of a situation I was in a few years back when I was the one pulling away. It wasn’t fair and it’s very selfish. Ladies, if a man does this you- get rid of him. Gents, when women do this they’re not wanting you to ‘save’ them-they’re playing you.
— mojack USA 01/19/2010 Reply
That first question could almost be a scene from “The 40-Year Old Virgin” — people who have seen the movie know the part that I mean.
Not that there’s anything wrong with it, BUT when if your husband who would rather cozy up to another dude instead of you — it’s time to rethink the marriage.
As for the second guy, there are just so many cliches today: She’s playing you like a violin. She’s pulling your strings. You’re her emotional puppet (oh wait, that’s from today’s PG home page). I think a hasty exit is in order.
— Mike, Downtown 01/19/2010 Reply
The first one today is more than a little CREEPY!!! The boy is either sweet or a really bad alcoholic – can’t drive home without risking a DUI perhaps? Either one is a problem for her. I’m single, 50, and looking – send her my email address. And I have really clean cupboards… :-)
— B. (Virginia) 01/19/2010 Reply
It appears as though the friend is gay and the husband probably has to get drunk to deal with his own sexual identity.
She really needs to pop in on those two!
— Bob, Pittsburgh 01/24/2010 Reply