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He's Back-Pedaling Now That He's Caught & She's Had It With Her Daughter's Attitude
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
DEAR CAT: My wife and I are avid bicyclists and we love riding together but she canât keep up with me even when I slow down for her. I gave her an expensive bicycle built for two and she appreciated it but thought weâd look silly riding it. So I got her an alternate gift but unbeknown to her I kept the bike. A few weeks later a single neighbor friend asked me about the bike (she saw me unloading it from my truck the day I bought it), I told her the story and she asked to ride the bike with me. So weâve been riding around the neighborhood. Unfortunately a nosy neighbor saw us and told my wife. My wife confronted me and, after I explained it all, she said it would be okay. I bought a new seat and handlebars for my neighbor friend (the ones that came with the bike were uncomfortable) and when my wife saw them on our credit card bill she demanded I sell the bike. I got our friend to reimburse me but my wife still insists that I sell the bike. The trouble is I very much enjoy riding the bike with our neighbor friend. I think my wife is being unreasonable. What should I do? â- SECRET RIDER
DEAR SECRET: Did you buy the seat and handlebars at the Idiot Store? For your sake I hope they have a good return policy. A few things to consider⦠1) Hiding your burgeoning friendship is just plain wrong – and sketchy. 2) Why did you secretly keep the bike (and start riding it with another woman) without telling your wife? 3) The ânosyâ neighbor who ratted on you is no nosier than a single female neighbor who asks to ride a tandem bike with another manâs husband. You know full well your wife isnât unreasonable. What should you do? Catâs Call: Sell the bike, end the friendship and hope your wife forgives you.
DEAR CAT: What can you do when one of your grown children carries a chip on her shoulder, blames you for all her emotional problems and is always on the defensive and ready to argue? My other daughters are fine and have always been a help to me. I have tried everything but Iâm getting too old for this nonsense. Iâm ready to give up and not bother with her anymore. Any suggestions? — WORN OUT!!
DEAR WORN: First remember that every relationship has two sides. Yes she might just be selfish and defensive but being on guard indicates a fear of being attacked. Is there any chance you instigate arguments with her? Some people have a tendency to push, push, push until bitterness settles in and thatâs the last thing you want. I do not suggest giving up. Instead take time to think about your side, then have a calm, thoughtful conversation about where things are, and how they got that way. If you set the exampleâ¦Catâs Call: It could set the stage for a new relationship with your daughter.
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I absolutely agree with CAT on her advice to WORN OUT; all I would say to WORN is that she has to try even harder to show her daughter how much she loves her.
As for SECRET RIDER, he should have bought a 3 seater bike, as it seems that is what he truly wants. I don’t think they make those SECRET; or maybe you have to go to one of those specialty stores to get it. And then once you get it, you have to find two partners to ride it with you. Good Luck with that!
— Carm in Pittsburgh 12/08/2009 Reply
Honestly….I read the “secret rider” question three times to see if I missed anything because I can’t understand why he would do that, it’s so weird! It might be because men don’t always consider how serious their offenses are? What if his wife was secretly riding around with a single male neighbor? He’d freak out. I love your point about the nosiness. I didn’t think of it but I agreed with you immediately when I read it. As for “worn out” I really don’t know what to tell her. When someone (your daughter or anyone) blames you for ALL their problems you must have something to do with causing them. Good insight there Cat.
— Sandy., philadelphia 12/08/2009 Reply
I agree somewhat with Cat that the man should get rid of the bike, but only because he wasn’t up front with his wife from the beginning. He was being sneaky from the start. My husband has a few female friends that are not also my friends and I have male friends that are not his friends too. The difference is, we tell each other when we have plans with them. I have plans to go to a Christmas party this Friday night with a guy I used to date! We have remained good friends throughout the years and enjoy doing things together that my husband loathes (such as Christmas parties with colleagues).
As for “Worn Out”, I don’t know that the advise you gave her was sound. Why are the other children not on the defense? Why don’t they blame her for their issues? I have a friend – who was once a very close friend, but now just an email friend – who has the same issues. Her parents are wonderful people who have always provided for her, helped her through two divorces and a child custody battle. They bought her a car, paid for dance lessons for girls, everything, yet she still feels that they “hate” her. Sometimes, it’s a mental block and there is nothing that can be said or done on the parent’s part. Just tell her to keep loving her daughter and if need be send her letters instead of making phone calls.
— Jennifer, Pittsburgh 12/08/2009 Reply
WORN OUT: Please completely IGNORE Cat’s advice and give up already. You are fighting a battle you will NEVER win. Ever. I have witnessed it first hand. Even if you manage to “repair” your relationship, the first thing that goes wrong in your daughter’s life will trigger a relapse and you will be the scapegoat. So if you are going to get blamed for everything anyhow, just save yourself the heartache and write your daughter a simple letter stating that she is no longer welcome in your house under any circumstance unless she shows up with a proper attitude and all her remarks are civil, nonaggressive and do not attempt to lay blame for anything on you or your other daughters. Upon receipt, you have placed the ball in your daughter’s court and it is left up to her whether she chooses to continue the relationship. But you have dictated the boundaries under which that relationship continues. If she violates the rules, be ready to enforce them (by cutting off contact).
— Jay in Pgh 12/08/2009 Reply
Dear Cat, I just saw the letter from âSECRET RIDERâ and would like to buy the bike from him. It could save his marriage, and help my wife and me with a problem we have. She suffers from a neurological disorder called cervical dystonia, which causes her head to turn to the right almost constantly. It came on suddenly about a year ago, and unfortunately there is no cure. Last year she was going to get a bike for Christmas, so that we could ride together and get some much needed exercise. Unfortunately, because of this ailment she canât ride a bike safely. It sounds to me like the bicycle built for two would be the perfect solution. We can enjoy riding together, get some good exercise, and she wonât have to worry steering. Anyway, if you have a way to contact him, maybe you could pass along my email address and we could work something out. Thanks for your help.
— Rider's Helper 12/08/2009 Reply
To Jennifer from Pittsburgh….You suggest an outstanding idea – for WORN OUT to send letters instead of making phone calls. Writing your thoughts can have a calming effect and it allows time to consider your ideas and edit your words. Conversations can quickly become arguments and your idea might be a great stepping stone for them to communicate without fighting.
— Cat 12/08/2009 Reply
There’s another, subtle part to SECRET RIDER’s problem. I absolutely agree that his…um…negligence to notify his wife about the biking dates is dodgy. Perhaps it was a stupid oversight, thoughtlessness, or (doubtfully) something more sinister. But I was repeatedly drawn to his second sentence wherein his wife rejected the gift because she would “look silly riding it.” On the surface (what other perspective do we have) it seems his wife is temperamental and superficial. He invested quite a bit of money so they could enjoy an activity together and she rejected for reasons little more than paltry. I spent a goodly amount of time with a woman much like this and a portion of SR’s current woe is attributed to her intolerance of him doing something he enjoys, but she doesn’t. I suggest he dumps the neighbor rider—that is shady—but keeps the bike and finds another riding partner, preferably male. Act reasonably, SR, but let your wife know her whims are hers alone.
— Django in Pittsburgh 12/08/2009 Reply
You are exactly right in your advice to Secret Rider.
I am a single woman, and a few years ago I met a married man in a situation that required us to travel for several hours together by car. He called his wife several times through the trip to check in, and I twice asked him to pass along to her my gratitude at her willingness to let a strange woman travel with her husband…a prospect to which I would have completely understood if she had said no. The circumstances of our meeting had to do with an event we both attended, and I told the man immediately that should something similar ever come up again, I would like to meet his wife first. She has every right to assess me for herself.
The man and I maintain a friendly acquaintanceship on Facebook, but we both behave the same way, limiting the frequency of our contact to “occasional at most” and always communicating openly on each other’s walls, never in private. Plus, the vast majority of our contact is related to the subject of the event we attended – in other words, we aren’t attempting to get to know each other any better.
There is no reason a single and married person can’t have a friendly relationship, but the only way to do it right is for both parties to respect the position the spouse is in. You keep your distance, you keep the relationship superficial and the contact open, and if you wish to be come better friends than that, then the single person MUST meet and get to know the spouse as well.
Secret Rider is absolutely not behaving appropriately, and neither is his “friend.”
— No Secrets Here 12/08/2009 Reply
I think maybe he wants to go on a little tandem bike trip down the Appalachian Trail IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
— Jason from Cranberry 12/08/2009 Reply
My call: Your advice is 100% balls on to Secret Rider. There are no secret outings in marriage, no matter how innocent, there is no middle ground. The only exception is to take your wife’s BFF to help pick out the right present/ring/outfit. Oh god I just wrote BFF, can you tell I’m married? On the “Worn Out!” question chances are both she and her daughter are bitchy and need to ‘win’ even in basic conversations. I’d be most interested in how well the ‘bad’ daughter gets along with the other two daughters. That would be the most telling piece of info.
— peter (los angeles ca) 12/08/2009 Reply
Wow – Secret Rider is seriously in need of some perspective and you gave it to him Cat – loved your advice! As for Jay in Pgh – issues much? To cut off a child (adult or not) because there is a long standing problem is a heartless and cold way of living your life. To not even be willing to reflect on your part in that relationship is just stubborn and blind. Not to say Worn Out is to blame, she likely is not in large part to blame (coming from a family with the same situation) but she may be feeding the fire with certain habits or by pushing buttons. In our family, the situation was that one of my siblings felt this way. I saw both sides, and my mom would contribute to the problem by bringing up certain topics or being a bit “in your face” but my sibling was also overreacting, creating skewed memories which then “fit” her feelings of hurt/rejection/need, and was overall the larger source of the problem. In the end, it took a long time for them both to realize they must change, and now they have a great relationship. So I totally agree with Cat. Good luck to them.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 12/08/2009 Reply
A married person who does something secretive behind the back of their spouse is asking for trouble. Just ask Tiger Woods — although that’s probably an extreme case.
But no good can come from a married man engaging in physical activity with a single woman.
I have a sibling who blames others for his problem. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions: past, present and future.
— Mike, Downtown 12/08/2009 Reply
you go kitty kat. My oldest daughter and I go at it always because I love her to death if that makes any sense to youâ¦..I told her no matter whatâs said or done Iâll always love her to deathâ¦.Itâs my little girl all growâd upâ¦.
— Old Dad Dog 12/08/2009 Reply
Hi! Love your column, but I had a beef with your advice to Secret Rider. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a married person having a hobby that they enjoy with a member of the opposite sex. I think it’s sad that we’ve come to a point where married people are expected to only have friendships with the same gender. I have many friends who are men – my husband is comfortable with that, and I have never and will never do anything that would give him cause for concern. I do agree that Secret Rider should have been upfront with his wife, but he should enjoy the outdoors with a bike mate who can keep up with him. Maybe his wife is feeling jealous that she is out of shape? Anyway, keep up the great work! Looking forward to your next column!
— A. USA 12/08/2009 Reply
Hey Cat. I looked here a couple times to see people’s comments and advice and I can’t stop thinking about Secret Rider! What would possess a (apparently) happily married man to carry on a secret bike riding thing with a single woman? Who does that?? This is not something a normal person lies about. Is riding that one bike sooo important that you had to lie to your wife about the bike AND the woman? You kept the bike without telling her. You rode it without telling her. Are you obsessed with it?? I’ve never heard of anything like this. I’m sorry but you don’t start living in deceit ‘all of a sudden.’ It’s like you’re cheating on your wife with the bike! Sorry that’s more of a rant but I can’t help it :)
— Amy (Pittsburgh) 12/09/2009 Reply
My call: Secret Rider is a douche. His wife isn’t too bright either if she won’t ride the bike because she’d look silly. As for Worn Out, is probably one of those mothers who thinks her kids are put on this earth to serve her and if they ever can’t she gives them crap for it. I could be wrong on both counts but that’s highly unlikely ;)
— John 02113 12/14/2009 Reply
The only problem with the bike riding is that it was done in secret. I have several male friends, I spend time with alone, and there is nothing more to it. My fiance also has several female friends he spends time with alone, and I think it’s healthy for him to do so. However, neither of us would ever think of being secretive about our activities with others — and that’s where the danger lies with Secret Rider. Sadly, because he did start his friendship with the neighbor in secret, he should at least put it aside until he has worked out his differences with his wife.
I also think his wife is not considering his wishes when she disregards his enjoyment of riding with someone. She should step up to the plate and insist that she be his riding partner, not insist that he lose the thing that gives him so much joy.
My call: There seem to be a lot of dysfunctional problems from both sides in Secret Rider’s marriage. It’s time for them to fix them.
— gwen, pittsburgh 12/28/2009 Reply