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A Good Guest Doesn't Always Bring A Gift & He Has To Choose Between Mom & Dad
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
DEAR CAT: Weâve received several party invitations stating that the hosts do not want gifts other than âthe gift of our presence.â I take that at face value but my partner and I have attended such parties where guests still brought $100 gifts and the like. I truly enjoy buying very nice gifts when it is appropriate but why do people feel compelled to bring gifts when the invitation explicitly says otherwise? If I were a host Iâd prefer for my wish to be honored (perhaps I don’t want 75 bottles of wine because kind, thoughtful people felt they had to bring “a little something”). What is your take on this? Is there some hidden message which says “ignore the invitation, we really want gifts?â What is the proper thing to do? âGOOD GUEST
DEAR GOOD: Youâve obviously partied enough to know a good host thinks first of their guests and an appreciative guest thinks first of the host. As such you are correct (and fine-mannered, sir) in your interpretation of a âno gifts, pleaseâ invitation. There are many reasons why hosts request no gifts, not the least of which is wanting guests to feel relaxed, not obligated. When guests ignore that request it can make both the host and other guests uncomfortable. Therefore if the invitation specifically requests no gifts, donât bring one! Of course that doesnât preclude sending a handwritten thank-you card the next day. Catâs Call: But you already knew that.
DEAR CAT: Iâm 17 yrs old, the middle boy in our family. For the first time ever I have to choose where to spend Christmas. My parents got divorced this spring but donât worry, it wasnât a big ugly thing. We all get along and our parents seem happy now! My younger brother and older sister are staying with mom. I kind of like the idea of spending it with dad because then one of us will be with him and thereâs work to do on his house that weâre doing together. My sister is jealous because dad grills in winter! My mom thinks I should go because dad and I would have fun. But should I feel bad about not spending this holiday with my mom? — WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING
DEAR WANT: I love your letter, itâs so different than most of my holiday questions (most are from people ticked off at each other). I canât see any reason in the world to feel bad about spending Christmas with your father. Your mom thinks you should go. Your dad would love you to be there. Youâll work on the house, grill some food, open some presents, then probably work on the house some more! Remember, you wouldnât be choosing him over your mom, it would just be a new way to spend the holiday this year. In the end, go with your gut, not mine. And whatever you choose, donât feel guilty about it! The holidays mean different things to everyone but fun is a absolute âmust.â If you can have a lot of itâ¦.Catâs Call: Go for it!
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Hey Cat: Today’s column is great! GOOD GUEST should absolutely not feel guilty about not bringing a gift to friends. Believe it or not, I rarely bring my already way to well off friends gifts because what do you give people who need absolutely nothing (other than love and friendship). And I make a point of telling them that, and they make fun of me, blah blah blah. And then later I’ll bring them something else when they don’t expect it. That’s what friendship is, in my warped opinion. As for WANT, you are absolutely right; his letter is truly refreshing and his gut is going to lead him in the right direction for him. And you did great in telling him that! :-)
— carm in pittsbugh 12/15/2009 Reply
Personally…I’d rather not have to pretend to like a bottle of wine that a guest brought to a party if I asked for his/her presence only. They may be trying to be kind or polite, but pretending to like something they picked up only because they wanted to appear polite puts more of a strain on the friendship then them just showing up themselves. I’m probably bitter, but unless you buy your host something you absolutely know they will love, and give it to them in private and say, hey, I know you said no gifts, but I really do think highly of you, so here – then just don’t do it. No gifts are better than those that make you have to act superficial so feelings don’t get hurt. Doesn’t everyone value friendship over Harbor Mist?
I got a rotten pineapple once, with the thought of, well, we thought we should bring something and we had this and it needs to be eaten soon…It totally ruined the moment of having my friends over for dinner. I wasn’t grateful for the chance to spend quality time with them any more, all I could think about was that stupid pineapple.
— They call me... in Pittsburgh 12/15/2009 Reply
Hi Cat! What a ‘tame’ column today, nothing about relationships?? I was all hopped up to give my call and….splat…I agree with everything you said dammit! However I will admit that I DO bring “a little something” to every party (Good Guest had my number there!) because I was always taught to do that. It doesn’t feel right to just show up and let someone treat us to a dinner and drinks and sometimes even small gifts to bring home. I guess I learned something dammit!! ps: excellent advice to the the teenager choosing which parent.
— Anne, Proud Citizen of Steelers Country! (resident of Denver CO) 12/15/2009 Reply
It’s funny how ‘political’ you have to be even in social situations. The question of “should I bring a gift?” shouldn’t be a big question but the pineapple comment (hysterical) shows how if you do things incorrectly people will remember it. I’ve thrown a lot of parties. Although I’m happy to end the night with ten extra wine bottles let’s be honest – it’s never the quality you’d buy for yourself. And I’m not happy to sit and write/email thank-you notes for fruit baskets, desserts, home accessories and stupid crap I’ll throw away as soon as the people leave. GOOD GUEST is quite a conscientious party goer. He and his partner are welcome at my soirees anytime.
— J.W., Los Angeles 12/15/2009 Reply
I have never brought a gift to someone’s party. Bad Guest, party of 1 here? It’s not that I wasn’t raised right, I feel like people don’t invite you over so they can get gifts. When you have people over for dinner you just want their company. It’s o.k. if people bring things but “hosting” is a specific duty. YOU treat THEM without them having to treat you back. So is the point here that if a host does NOT specifically say “no gifts” then you SHOULD bring one?
— AK in PA 12/15/2009 Reply
To gift or not to gift: That is the question. We had recent occasion to be invited to the home of our former neighbors. We’ve been to each other’s home on many occasions, and this invite was to simply come and not worry about bringing food.
We had intended on stopping and picking up a bottle of wine, which of course must be done on the hours of the great Pa. patronage system (the LCB), but in the haste to leave early, we didn’t do that.
No matter, the weekend really was about friendship and sharing time together.
I’ve often thought about this, and I think that I might add to an invitation humorously, “No gifts … and I mean it — and especially no pineapples!” Again, humorously.
As to the young man who wants to spend time with his father: Do it. Don’t regret it. When you’re older, you’ll realize what a wise choice you’ve made.
— Mike, Downtown 12/15/2009 Reply
The “no presents” story struck a nerve with me – Several years ago I hosted a small (about a dozen people) dinner party for my father’s 80th birthday. I explicitly indicated “no presents” on the invitations – after all – what do you get an 80 year old who has everything he wants/needs? About half the guests brought presents, clearly ignoring my request. My regret with them doing so is that almost everyone who heeded my desire that they not bring gifts came up to me and apologized at some point during the evening for coming giftless! I was very upset that some guests who carelessly ignored the request for no gifts made the others uncomfortable.
— Ben, Virginia 12/15/2009 Reply