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His Fiancée Wants (More) Plastic Surgery & Be Charitable Or Be Guilted
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
DEAR CAT: My fiancée is beautiful, sexy, almost 40, 5’ 6” tall, maybe 135lbs, works out almost obsessively and looks great, but she doesnât think so. Before we met she was overweight and had an eating disorder that hospitalized her a couple times but sheâs had no relapses since we’ve been together and she is a very healthy eater. A few years ago she had breast reduction surgery. Now she wants to have a procedure for her legs, which she thinks look fat. Itâs an expensive procedure ($5,000) but Iâm more worried that she sees something in herself which she feels requires a procedure. I tell her she’s beautiful and sexy, we have a great sex life, and there is never a roaming eye on my part, but it hasn’t made a difference. I’m concerned sheâll want another procedure for something else in the future, and then yet another. Should I be concerned or just let her do it? â BEAUTIFUL & SEXY TO ME
DEAR TO ME: I understand your concern but if your fiancée had an accident or other purely physical trauma which left her scarred you wouldnât hesitate to âletâ her get a medical procedure to remedy it. Essentially thatâs what she wants to do now; improve the visible evidence of past trauma, both physical and emotional. Self-acceptance is a difficult road for someone overcoming illness and low self-esteem but sheâs adopted a fresh lifestyle and just wants a little extra help â from a scalpel or laser. You lovingly describe your fiancée as a responsible, hardworking, health-minded adult woman whom you find sexy and beautiful. As such she has the right make decisions about her own health and wellbeingâ¦.Catâs Call: Without giving you veto power.
DEAR CAT: Every holiday season itâs nonstop with retailers asking you to donate money to charity. I was in a toy store buying presents and the cashier asked, âdo you want to donate $1 to Toys for Tots?â I told her I donate at work, which Iâve done for years, and she said, âitâs only a dollar.â Iâm a very charitable person and I donât appreciate being pressured to donate to a storeâs charity of choice. I guess I can understand the cashier asking once, but twice? When several people are waiting in line behind me? Iâm no Scrooge but she sure tried to make me look like one. Donât you think this went too far? — IâM NO SCROOGE
DEAR NO: Hey, what are the holidays without a little guilt? Better yet, lots of it! Not only do I agree with you, I think forcing retail employees to solicit money for charities is unfair to both patrons and employees. If a store wants to support a charity, they can a) include a donation option in the credit/debit process where the \ machine gives you the option of donating a dollar, or b) place a donation jar near the checkout. For many people charitable giving is a private act not meant for the prying, judgmental eyes of a cashier or queue of strangers. Catâs Call: Give what you want, whenever you want, and donât feel guilty about it.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Cat,
First of all, I enjoy your column and only miss it when I forget that it’s Tuesday. Secondly, your advice today about retailers asking customers to donate to charity is spot on. I have two jobs and work at Petco in the evenings. We have several fundraisers each year, and the holiday one is the Tree of Hope, with proceeds going to the Western Pennsylvania Humane Society and BREW Beagle Rescue. Very worthy causes. HOWEVER, we are required to ask every customer for a donation, and I don’t think this is right. I am a customer as well as an employee, and I have a cat that was found shot in the face and he is missing his bottom jaw, an FIV+ cat, a cat will gall bladder disease and chronic pancreatitis, a cat that is blind in one eye and has chronic respiratory issues and a ferret with cancer. These are all rescues that had exististing medical issues upon adoption, and they require care, which requires money. Where is my spare change most needed? In my own pocket. I will need it for my crew. Well, I call them my posse. ; -) There are many people out there just like me with pets just like I have. We are mini rescues, really. Yet, I feel guilty when I cannot afford to make a donation. I know others feel the same way. Thank you for boldly stating your opinion. I completely agree with every word. Merry Christmas : )
— Nicole, Pittsburgh 12/21/2010 Reply
Hey Nicole you are wonderful for rescuing animals. I don’t like to think about what would become of them if not for people like you. We have a few rescues too and they are the loves of my life! Animals know when they’ve been rescued! Cat I saw your about.me page and obviously you and your family are animal lovers (your dog has one of the biggest ‘smiles’ I’ve ever seen!) Bravo to your aunt for picking up a hurt dog from the road. The world needs more people like that! One of my dogs has a crooked smile and it’s so cute I can’t help but kiss him all the time! I bet someone thought it wasn’t ‘perfect’ but I’m glad they were so stupid and blind because now he lives with us and smiles all day :) Though I think it’s unfair to make employees ask people for money I can kind of understand pet stores doing it because animal societies never ever EVER have enough supplies and a little guilt to help them seems worth it to me. But I see your point Nicole. If it makes you feel better, remember the few dollars you give here and there help animals like yours live long enough to get adopted by people like you!
— Carrie in the burgh 12/21/2010 Reply
On the first question: The man should let her do whatever she wants to do. No matter what just keep telling her how sexy she is so she knows for sure, but it’s her body and she can do whatever she wants to it. On the second question: I agree completely. I disagree only with one aspect in the comment from “Nicole” about Petco asking for donations for the Humane Society. A pet store asking for pet charity is different because that’s life and death for animals that have been abandoned, neglected or abused. The Toys for Tots example in the question today isn’t life or death -it’s toy or no toy. It’s a worthy cause definitely but you can give a kid a used toy train, you can’t give a dog used food or chewed toys. A cat can’t say help me please, unlike a 10 year old kid. I love kids, don’t get me wrong but there is something about helping animals.
— Jason 12/21/2010 Reply
Regarding the first question, that advice is extremely dangerous. If the woman in question were of healthy mind and body, sure, it’s her choice to have cosmetic surgery and the writer’s opinion should be considered, but not the final word. However, this woman has a history of eating disorders, to the point of hospitalization. Even if she hasn’t had any “relapses” since the relationship began, if she’s working out “obsessively” and has already gotten surgery to alter her appearance, she is still in recovery and trying to reconcile her ideal body image with reality. As a woman in recovery from an eating disorder myself, this type of behavior is dangerous and won’t stop at just this surgery. She’s using surgery and obsessive exercise to cope with her eating disorder, and for the writer to not try and convince her otherwise is just enabling her disorder. Please, try to make her see that she doesn’t need the surgery. Get her doctor to back you up. Don’t let her continue to harm herself and indulge a mental disorder just because it’s “her choice”.
— Laura, Pittsburgh 12/21/2010 Reply
Your response to the gentleman that is concerned about his fiancee’s wanting plastic surgery indicates that you have little to no comprehension of eating disorders and the realities of plastic surgery.
Plastic surgery can come with infections, complications, and death. If she has an eating disorder, it is more than likely that she has a warped body image and is very much at risk for continued plastic surgery as she may never be satisfied with how she looks.
Do some research into eating disorders and how that effects body image and then see if you come to the same conclusion afterwards.
— Jenn 12/21/2010 Reply
Why is it that every woman who’s had an eating disorder insists their experience is THE experience and they are an authority on the subject? How would you know how much experience Cat or anyone else has on the subject? The woman in the question might be fully recovered and wants some lipo to get rid of stubborn fat pockets that healthy diet and obsessive workouts can’t fix. You say she has a warped body image and she “may never be satisfied with how she looks.” I don’t know any woman who isn’t preoccupied with her body. Seriously, not ONE. I think Cat’s answer was very thoughtful and respectful. People like you stigmatize anyone who’s ever suffered from an eating disorder as permanent sufferers who will never be okay. But maybe they are! If she wants a procedure for her legs, so what!? Doctors say the best candidates for surgery are actually healthy, which this woman seems to be. She takes care of herself and she’s not looking at surgery as a fix-all.
— Thomboy, NY 12/21/2010 Reply
It’s possible that the fiancee in question suffers from body dysmorphic disorder, the persistent belief that something is “wrong” with her body that needs to be fixed. The issue with BDD is that no solution is ever good enough for the sufferer. This can lead to eating disorders, extreme behaviors, and endless cosmetic surgeries. It’s often linked to depression and as a result the person leads a really sad life and can endanger their health. Everything the writer described – “obsessively” working out, previous eating disorder, desire for surgery when others think the person looks great – is a symptom or risk factor for the disorder. But it’s hard to know if the writer is portraying the situation accurately. Is he an overweight couch potato who thinks working out five times a week is “obsessive” and that everyone looks great with a spare tire? Yes, the fiancee had surgery once before, but that was breast reduction surgery. Usually that is NOT a cosmetic procedure. It’s done because the woman suffers discomfort and back pain that can only be relieved by surgery. If the fiance is truly concerned, he could visit with a medical health professional to discuss his concerns about his fiancee’s health and get ideas on how to approach the fiancee.
— Amylou, PA 12/21/2010 Reply
The comments by Jenn and Laura interest me because they’re so critical and hypocritical. Cosmetic surgery is a choice made by a competent patient and responsible doctor. You’re suggesting that you are more competent than the fiancee and you should be the ones to decide whether she has surgery or not, and you’ve decided against it. One of the reasons people develop eating disorders in the first place is other people telling them negative things about themselves. When you get away from those negative people and around positive people like the fiance, you can heal. Now that this woman has her act (and, presumably, her head) together, you’re still insisting she’s suffering. Would she be better off sitting in therapy than working out? It’s possible to love yourself but still think your thighs could use some smoothing out. She probably has some saggy skin that can’t be completely helped by working out. My call: she should get the procedure and anything else she wants! I say good for her for all the working out and healthy living. Treat yourself to a little extra help honey, you deserve it!
— Marie 12/21/2010 Reply