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He Thinks All Women Are Trash & She's Starting A New Tradition This Christmas
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
DEAR CAT: I am 28 years old. The last relationship I had was with an “attention whore” who was cheating on her fiancé and using me as a side fling. The relationship before that was with a little nothing who got a promotion at her job, became full of herself and cheated on me because she thought I was beneath her. Too bad her company closed and she is unemployed! It seems that women today are overly competitive, materialistic, trashy, deceitful, hypocritical, willing to cut somebody’s throat or stab anybody’s back to gain the slightest advantage and they have unrealistic standards. Meanwhile they are less or no better than the standards they set. I am confident, educated, good looking, physically fit, clean-cut, ethical and gainfully employed so I don’t really see that the problem lies in me. Your call? â GREAT CATCH
DEAR GREAT: Despite your glowing self-description, I doubt a truly confident, ethical guy would have relationships with âattention whoresâ and âlittle nothings.â I understand having resentment about exes who cheated but assuming all women are vindictive snakes means your perspective isnât mature. Use the new year to start dating with a clean slate. And remember if you let a few bad apples spoil the bunchâ¦Catâs Call: Youâll only see the bad in people, even when it isnât there.
DEAR CAT: My husband, kids and I have always gone to my motherâs and stepdad’s for Christmas Eve. My real dad, his wife and their children come, too. My parents had a very abusive relationship when I was young but after 25 years apart they now have an amicable relationship and this annual gathering always meant so much to my mother. The fact that my stepdad allowed this proves what a wonderful person he is. The problem: my mother passed away recently and I donât know how to spend Christmas Eve. Iâm sure my stepdad wonât want to continue having my fatherâs family over, but I want to include my stepfather in our holiday (heâs put up with a lot from my family over the years). Iâd never want to make him feel like heâs not a part of our family anymore. Please help me get through this already trying holiday! — TRYING HOLIDAY TIME
DEAR TRYING: Iâm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Losing her was beyond your control but keeping your stepfather in your life is something you can control – and you should! Your love and respect for him is abundantly clear, which means you understand this time is just as traumatic for him as it is for you. He needs a lot of support right now and although the holiday gathering was important to your mother, you need to do what feels right for your family at this point. If your stepfather celebrates with your family, while your dad celebrates with his family, nobody is alone and it will relieve everyone of a sense of obligation (the last thing you should feel at this time). I say shake up the Christmas Eve traditionâ¦Catâs Call: In favor of a wonderful new one.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Well, I have to say, Great Catch seems to be way too bitter to fit the glowing self-description as CAT so diplomatically labeled it. In fact, I’m guessing that if his young lady friends behaved as he said they did, they no doubt had reason to, in light of his sparkling personality. But listen, Cat’s advice to him is wonderful; it’s never too late to turn the page and start seeing the good in people, and start being good yourself. As for TRYING, it’s just wonderful that TRYING is even thinking about her entire family, including her stepfather. Start that new tradition with your entire family, in honor of your mother. Guess I didn’t have to write anything because CAT got it right again!
— carm in pittsburgh 12/22/2009 Reply
Cat, I donât know how you answer people who leave out so much information â in this case, what other family does the step-dad have. (And what about her own husbandâs family?) In any case, I would have suggested that she do the hosting this year. That way she could have both as usual without making the step dad being in the awkward position of inviting the father. Anyone who would rather opt out can do so.
— I.P. Jerusalem 12/22/2009 Reply
Cat,
That is a good understanding you have of the “Great Catch” guy who tends to date losers. My advice to him,and this is truly objective and hopefully constructive, is to first try to understand how you first were attracted to those other women. You need to understand your own shortcomings and neediness. It’s easy to identify our strengths as he has, but it’s quite another thing to identify our weaknesses. If we don’t, we will fall into the same pattern. Ever wonder why most people tend to meet the same kind of people? Obviously this has happend more than once and will most likely happen again. Insecurity attracts insecurity and confidence attracts confidence. There is not much difference betwen over confidence and insecurity. Usually humility and confidence go together because the truly confident people have nothing to prove.
— Chuck, Pittsburgh 12/22/2009 Reply
It’s intersting….if a guy is ambitious about his work or even schemes to get ahead, a woman would probably find that attractive. Add materialism (nice clothes, cars, what have you) and HE would be the great catch. I’m not saying the women this guy dated aren’t bad apples but maybe he’s not as great as he thinks he is and these women see it, but he doesn’t. I like your advice to “Trying” very much. I feel bad for her. I lost my mom 5 years ago and it’s never the same. Chin up!
— Amy in Cleveland 12/22/2009 Reply
Dear Cat….. I would like to echo what “Great Catch,” has said. I am also 28 and I have found that men of our generation are having to contend with women who are uncertain of their place in society. I am very supportive of the feminist movement and equal rights for women. I think that women are close to achieving the equal standing that they fought for, but are still unwilling to give up the perks of the past. Here is an example. I broke up with a woman recently who insisted that I pay for dates, pay the rent, and take care of her though we had simmilar incomes. This ammounted to me living paycheck to paycheck while she put money away, all in the name of “chivalry.” If women want to be considered equals it is time that they step up and pay the cost of equality both literally and figuratively. Thanks.
— Equal Footing 12/22/2009 Reply
I have to respond to Equal Footing regarding his comment about “women who are uncertain of their place in society.” I know there are women who expect the man to pay for everything while dating, but that is a result of our societal “norms”. As a society, we teach our children, boys and girls, that the guy should pay for dinner. I’m very comfortable with myself and where I am at this point in my life. I find a lot of men are not comfortable or certain of our (women’s) place in society. I earn a very good living and have done very well for myself. When I want to pick up the tab (or offer to pick up the tab), I am more often than not met with an incredulous look from the guy or told that he is offended that I would pay for dinner. I see that as a man not sure of himself or comfortable with a woman who has her own money. So, I think the issue is not women being certain of who they are, but individuals not being secure enough in themselves.
— Mary, Pittsburgh 12/22/2009 Reply
Boy CAT, the letter from Great Catch and the responses of your readers really evolved into a great deal of social commentary. I wasn’t prepared for that! Anyway, here goes. I’m not too sure the world should try to characterize all men and all women into the types demonstrated by Great Catch and the girls he has evidently dated. No doubt (absolutely no doubt) there are basic differences between men and women that in essence we can’t live without; but to have the ultra negative view of the female gender that Great Catch evidently has developed based upon his apparent unfortunate relationships is akin to gender profiling. And likewise, women should not think that all men have the same negative suspicions that Great Catch has. When you come right down to it, people are individuals; a lot of people (men and women) are less perfect that what might be considered the model human being. All we can do is continue to strive to be better people, and a better society.
— carm in pittsburgh 12/23/2009 Reply
Dear Cat and Post Gazette Staff,
You need to get in contact with the authorities and give them this information on this man. It was so frightening to read this question and not think of George Sodini. The man who shot and killed those women at the LA fitness center this year. There is every sign in this question of his extremely unstable mind. We don’t need another attack on women here in Pittsburgh or anywhere. You have to react to this.
— Sue in Pittsburgh 12/23/2009 Reply
Although “Sue” makes a good point about trying to sniff out danger before it affects anyone else, being an alarmist doesn’t help matters. Honestly I think “GREAT CATCH” feels like most people who think they have a lot to offer but they are repeatedly disappointed by relationships. Okay I agree he sounds past-bitter but he is a young man who, as Cat suggested, doesn’t have the most mature outlook…combine that with being cheated on or whatever and there will be serious bitterness. Look some women ARE like he describes. Some men too. That’s how the world is! He’ll get over it when he meets someone nice. And to GREAT CATCH, that can take time! Relax and everything will fall into place.
— Betsy, Pittsburgh 12/23/2009 Reply
Cat, I just have to say that I am so impressed with how tactfully and gracefully you answered so-called “Great Catch”‘s “question.” I probably would have punched him in the face (I guess that whole mail/e-mail thing takes care of that impulse) and given him all the more reason to suspect that women are all terrible people. I also think you may be giving him way too much credit for an opportunity to grow and change, but it is the holiday season and time for optimism. If we could all maintain our composure so well!
— Silica in Pittsburgh, PA 12/23/2009 Reply
My comment is for Sue, who somehow sees mass murder from a guy who is just expressing frustration. Is it so hard for her to believe Great Catch has had a string of bad luck with defective women? I remember feeling frustrated by women who claim they want one set of attributes from men (humor, honesty, etc.) but then prefer to get tangled up with jerks. That gets followed by a string of great experiences with women that restore your faith in the fairer sex. Great Catch lays it all out for Cat, who nicely resists the female instinct to insist the man is always the problem, and engages him as a human being. Maybe some real therapy will take place for him.
— Mark Freeport 12/28/2009 Reply