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Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? And...He Won't Wash That Hair Right Out Of The Sink
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
DEAR CAT: Iâve been dating someone special for six months and recently heâs been talking about marriage. Iâm an experienced dater, comfortable with who I am, and Iâve walked away from several marriage-worthy mates because they were ready and I was not. Now here I am with this current man who is professional, well educated, and well respected, but he cheated on his wife (several years ago, before we knew each other.) I have never dated anyone who admitted to, or discussed, cheating on a spouse. His marriage seems to have spiraled downward before they divorced. But his affair continued for more than one year, with her being married as well. He has forgiven himself and continues to work with the “other woman.â I wonder, how do you really know if you can trust someone? Do you agree, âonce a cheater always a cheater?â — AS THE SAYING GOES
DEAR SAYING: How ironic, you walked away from âworthyâ marriage prospects only to get involved with a big time cheater. I donât agree with the âonce a cheaterâ adage, but this guy made a lifetime commitment then carried on an affair for over a year and still sees his former lover every day. No woman in her right mind would seriously consider him until Ms. Thing (or is it Mrs.?) is out of the picture, completely and forever. That means no meetings, texts, emails, phone calls, social networking links, etc. You canât automatically know if someone is trustworthy. Trust is earned and he hasnât earned yours â yet. By all means give him a chance to do so, but until you feel secure enough to stop wondering…Catâs Call: Keep your options open.
DEAR CAT: I recently moved into a townhouse with two guys whom I didn’t know before moving in. One of them is great, the other not so much. 1) He talks in his sleep pretty often. Itâs very loud and easily wakes me up. 2) Even more annoying, he gets hair all over the bathroom and never cleans it up. My first week at the townhouse I spent an hour cleaning every hair in the gross bathroom. Within a week, you would have never known I’d cleaned it. Hair everywhere! I don’t know him well enough to jokingly tell him to clean up his act but I also don’t want to come across as an anal, unfriendly guy. What should I do? — HAIR, HAIR EVERYWHERE
DEAR HAIR: Asking that yeti to clean up after himself is neither anal nor unfriendly. When people share living space they have an obligation to respect common areas, especially bathrooms and kitchens. Itâs not fair for his cooties to take over the place, nor is it fair that you have to be his maid. Unfortunately thereâs nothing he can do about his sleep-chatter so youâll have to go the earplug route. But he can, and should, do something about the hair, like dampening a sponge and giving the bathroom a quick once-over after heâs used it. Of course thereâs another option sure to give you a good nightâs sleep and a clean bathroom every dayâ¦Catâs Call: Move.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
So the guy works with a woman he was hitting on. From your letter it sounds like you should come out and ask the guy if he still sleeping with the woman. The guy addmitted his fault and it obviously was one of the causes to force his marraige to fail but i doubt it was the only one, If his wife had kept him interested he would have never strayed and he would still be married. Make your mind up dear but don’t come off with the statement “marriage-worthy mates” like you are some kind of above the fray goddess. The guy has been talking to you about a lifetime commitment but you make yourself sound like you are some uppity bitch who thinks her sh*t doesn’t stink. As you call yourself “an experienced dater” to me that sounds like you have bedded your share of Toms, Dicks and Harrys. So what makes you any better. It sounds like you think it is ok to screw numerous guy at any time since you were not married. While you didn’t come right and say you have slept with a lot of guy in your lifetime your letter sure makes it sound like you have certainly had no problems taking your share inside you. Maybe you need to grow up and get a life and realize you are not some kind of goddess whom deems males as, “marriage-worthy mates”.
— The Truth 12/28/2010 Reply
To “Bitter” Truth: Wow! You leave several openings here – but I’ll address one in particular. If his infidelity was indeed the result of his wife’s lack of passion, that still doesn’t grant him carte blanche to bed down with whomever he wants. That is most likely excuse #1 of cheaters worldwide, once caught. Sorry, that dog won’t hunt in my book. Some people are simply too selfish to devote themselves to one person for life, and are predestined to cheating.
— Ben, VA 12/28/2010 Reply
Ben I totally agree w/ you and “The Truth” seems to make ALOT of assumptions based on her letter and let’s not even dignify her name calling w/ a response. It would make sense for her “to look deep before you leap.” I would not entertain any kind of proposal from him until his work situation changed and his coworker out of the picture. There is truth in being a serial cheater if you don’t address the reasons for why you chose that path. If you marriage is bad and your spouse is undermining it, then leave.
It would seem she just needs to continue to date and see what falls from the tree of knowledge and make a decision accordingly…
Now, as for the cheater’s reason for cheating – well that does not come under “its his wife’s fault”. Often times, it’s more of a moral and corrupt center that makes people cheat and not some fault or defect on the wife’s part. We all have choices and the problem w/ choices are that some people make very stupid ones and time will only tell what his moral center is really all about. In the meantime, I would date, have fun and enjoy my life and let him unfold before my eyes w/o the emotional involvement.
— Towanda - Baltimore 12/28/2010 Reply
Great minds think alike.
P.S. Just curious – Why did you refer to Truth as “she”? I assumed, from the way it was written, that Truth was a Dude.
For Truth: Help us out here – which are you? And next time, please sign Bill, Jane, George, or Susan.
— Ben, VA 12/28/2010 Reply
I assumed “Truth“ was a woman because her tone and the language used in the letter suggests to me that she is a woman. In other words, “been there, done that” and I’m still hanging on to it. And to further fuel my assumption that it’s a woman is in my travels that language “she” used would certainly come from a female and I have once or twice in my mature life spoke that way many moons ago w/ girlfriends. Well, I’m not that old, but certain wiser now that I have saw some things and lived a bit. LOL…
To me it sounds like a bitter, angry, and unhappy female. And no disrespect to females, but we can be bitter, angry and pretty vocal about certain things and cheating is one of them. Especially, if we are the wronged party…
— Towanda - Baltimore 12/29/2010 Reply
I am a guy. I think you missed the point of my comments though. The woman in this case states, “marriage-worthy mates” and i think she is a snob and an uppity woman that thinks she is better than men. This woman sounds like she thinks the word revolves around her and her little patch of hair between her legs.What makes her so worthy when she also states she is, “an experienced dater”. To me that only points out that she has been nailed by enough guys to resemble a pin cushion. As for the poor sap and where he works that is not up to her to choose his place of employment. The guy has his rights too and what gives her the right to tell him where to work.
— The Truth 01/04/2011 Reply
I agree with Ben. It’s stupid to call yourself “truth” and I assume it is a man too. To clarify, I am a 45 year old man and I find his comments unhelpful and troublemaking. It is less than nonsensical to blame the man’s former wife (who isn’t even part of the question) for his long term affair. This woman asked for Cat’s advice and what she got from her, and us, is logical thinking, not an aimless rant from a bitter guy.
— B.T. 12/29/2010 Reply
What would be troublesome about what i have to say? The woman comes right out and says that she has been around the block more than a few times. (experianced dater). I feel sorry for the guy getting stuck with such a stuck up person. Obviously she must be good at her dating experiance or he would dump her. WHo made her so good to say he is a “marriage worthy prospect”? Maybe she isn’t so marraige worthy. From her letter it is quite obvious she thinks she is better than him otherwise why use such terms? I think she needs to take a good look at herself and come down off her high and mighty podium.
— The Truth 01/04/2011 Reply
Once an infidel, always an infidel. I’ve personally known several people who have entered into marriages with their extramarital affair partner, then are shocked and devastated when that marriage also ends because of his/her unfaithfulness. Imagine that – a relationship borne of deceit and lies ending in the same way it started – duhhhh! What goes around, comes around. Call it karma, call it what you will.
Bottom line: When you hook up with a cheater, you are destined to become the next victim.
— Ben, VA 12/28/2010 Reply
I don’t think ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ because there are different kinds of cheating. Obviously cheating on someone is bad no matter what and one should never do it but let’s say you’re 25 years old in a relationship and you get drunk with your friends and kiss another girl…..compare that to having a year-long affair when you’re married. You can’t compare because it’s apples and oranges. So yes cheating is bad but nobody would say the 25 year old will be “always a cheater” but you’d probably say it about the married guy with the affair. And I agree with Cat that he has to get that other woman out of his life for good before this woman takes another step with him.
— Gary in Pgh 12/28/2010 Reply
Is this actually what the woman #1 wrote?
“He has forgiven himself and continues to work with the âother woman.â”
He has forgiven himself?
Unbelievable.
He has asked forgiveness from the wrong people.
Surely he hasn’t asked forgiveness from the other woman’s husband and family, nor from his own extended family.
No one would ever suggest that an adulterer continue working with his lover.
My advice – run. fast. away. now.
This guy is totally self-serving and selfish – and too immature to take responsibility for his actions.
I guarantee that this guy will be pulling stunts like this if you marry him – and he’ll be able to “forgive himself” after.
run!
— WAKE UP!! 12/28/2010 Reply
I went through the dirty roommate drama twice after college and I couldn’t stand coming home to a filthy place. I’m not some “anal” guy about cleanliness either but after a long day of work or whatever you just want to take a quick shower and not feel like you’re in a public toilet. After the first time I learned not to wait and I told the second roommate to keep clean or I was out of there. I wasn’t a dick about it— just matter of fact. It worked. Try it. Or as Cat says, move.
— Average Joe in Pittsburgh 12/28/2010 Reply
RE: AS THE SAYING GOES
Drop him, like a bad habit
______________________________
RE: HAIR, HAIR EVERYWHERE
If possible, get your own place
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 12/28/2010 Reply
That dude who appears to be shedding and isn’t concerned about it is pretty much par for the course for most guys. Guys can live in an amazing amount of filth.
My brother’s friend owns this little hunting cabin (three-story house), and I swear that the same dead flies were on that floor for three years in a row until they decided one year to sweep them up. Still no running water for the fourth year in a row, which makes it real nice when you stay with three other guys for a week!
For the first letter, I think the woman should ask herself if she can see herself with this fellow for the rest of her life and whether it would bother her if he played on the side.
— Mike, Downtown 12/28/2010 Reply
And I’d also like to add this: In general, women give us men way too many breaks on bad behavior.
I’m not complaining, but most of us probably wouldn’t excuse our spouses or girlfriends for the very things that we tend to pass off as minor incidents.
— Mike, Downtown 12/28/2010 Reply
aint it the truth
— ty 12/28/2010 Reply
Cat’s advice to both people this week makes sense, given our limited knowledge. Most of the writers who respond above are unfortunately basing their comments on facts that are unknown. My own opinions here, are just relative to what I believe to be human nature in general.
As for cheating: we all cheat if we can because we are basically always either hungry or horney, and we all have weak moral character most of the time.
As for sloppiness however: (coming from from someone who sheds quite abit himself and who cleans up all the time) I would suggest that asking the room-mate who doesn’t clean up after himself to start doing so will probably not work at this stage. Adults just don’t suddenly change their character because someone asks them to; cleanliness is deeply ingrained as we are growing up (and maybe it’s even nature and not nurture that influences it). The point is, I would bet money, and give odds, that the only real solution for Hair is that he is going to have to move out, because his roommate’s hair is not going to be here today and gone tomorrow; rather, his roommate’s hair is here to stay.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 12/29/2010 Reply