Columns
Friend Should Mind Her Own 'Business' & Can He Protect His Daughter...From Her Mother?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
DEAR CAT: Iâve been married for two years, and my friend has been married for eight years. Before I got married their marriage was an inspiration to me, but recently she told me that her husband has never seen her go to the bathroom, shave her legs, or put makeup on (except touching up her lipstick in public.) I was shocked to hear this because I know they have a great marriage, but shouldnât it be more âhonest?â My husband and I are completely open with each other, as spouses should be. She says Iâm making too much of it, that she has her personal habits and he doesnât need to see them. I worry itâs a sign that things between them arenât as good as I thought. Am I worrying needlessly? — SPOUSE SHOULD SEE IT ALL
DEAR SPOUSE: If this is what keeps you up at night, Iâm more worried about you than youâll ever be about her marriage. Iâve attended many weddings and I donât recall âdo you promise to watch each other urinate?â among the vows. Hereâs a simple concept to wrap your brain around: some people are more modest than others. Hereâs another one: your friendsâ personal hygiene and grooming habits are none of your business. In fact, their marriage might be fantastic because she maintains a modicum of privacy when it comes to her, uh, privates. Itâs not a matter of honestyâ¦Catâs Call: Itâs a matter of mind your own âbusiness.â
DEAR CAT: I married a woman who was later diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and two other mental issues. Long story short, last February she took my daughter (who was 1 ½ at the time) and left me. Recently she tried to reconcile with me, though we are in the middle of divorce proceedings. She brainwashed her first daughter and told her lies over the past ten years, and only now is the daughter seeing what her mother is really like. My question is, how do I prevent her from doing that to my daughter? We have shared custody and are currently in co parenting classes, but she refuses to see that what she did to her daughter (or me) was wrong, and she doesnât see that she has a mental problem, even though it was diagnosed by professionals. Any help would be greatly appreciated. â TO PROTECT MY DAUGHTER
DEAR PROTECT: Thereâs little â if anything – you can do to control someone elseâs behavior, even if itâs the mother of your child. Once you understand that fact you can focus instead on serving as a calm, comforting and steadfast father as your daughter grows up. When she is old enough to start understanding her family dynamics, donât badmouth her mother (not that you planned to) or focus on your marital problems of the past. Use your time to teach her, have lots of fun, and expose her to a world beyond her motherâs probably-limited perspective. Take it from someone who has the greatest dad in the worldâ¦Catâs Call: Having a caring, funny, and ever-present father will help give your daughter the emotional protection she deserves.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I do not remember Ward and June Cleaver watching each other urinate. And believe me, I would notice.
— Jason from Cranberry 01/25/2011 Reply
While I do not regularly read your column due to the lack of regular access to the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, your response to Mr. “TO PROTECT MY DAUGHTER” was very good. I appreciated reading your closing sentence before your “Call”: thank you.
It appears that there is a correlation of Borderline Personality Disorder and the traits and actions described by the writer. Instances of denial of malicious actions is a trait of those with BPD. BPD patients tend to see things in terms of extremes, either all good or all bad, also typically view themselves as victims and take little responsibility for themselves or their problems. However, as I have come to know, it is the insidious and chronic nature of the BPD that is toxic to those surrounding the individual. One can not describe the results of living with gaslighting.
— D.W. 01/25/2011 Reply
Isn’t it convenient that people like the mother in the second question can attribute their unreasonable behavior to some diagnosis that you can’t do anything about. “She refuses to see that she’s wrong”…….buddy that describes almost every woman I’ve ever known and most women would say that about men. Has it ever occurred to you that she’s just a bitch? Cat’s right about being the best dad you can be…that’s all you can do besides trying to get full custody.
— Charlie-- NYC 01/25/2011 Reply
I don’t understand why she thinks her friend’s marriage is any of her business. My husband and I have a great marriage and guess what? We don’t go to the bathroom in front of each other either, and why in the name of God would he ever sit there and watch me shave my legs? It’s not a matter of being “honest” or not. It’s a matter of keeping some things private. It’s not as though I’m pretending that I don’t go to the bathroom and that my legs are just naturally hairless. And who is this person who thinks she knows how “spouses should be”? Marriages are all different, because the individuals who comprise them are all different. She needs to be worrying about her own marriage, not her friends.
— Beth 01/25/2011 Reply
I agree! Who is she to say that’s how “spouses should be.” Says who???? I don’t let my boyfriend watch me do my personal habits but I don’t forbid him to watch either. It just doesn’t end up happening and I’ve never thought about it before now. And now that I AM thinking about it, it’s probably better just for those times when I walk down the stairs as we’re about to leave and he says “wow” at my transformation. Not like he doesn’t know I put on makeup five minutes before or shaved my legs but he doesn’t see the “process” so there’s still a wow, which I like to hear!
— Kate, Cleveland 01/25/2011 Reply
I also agree – I’ve never had the desire nor the inclination to watch anyone, spouse included, make a nature call. And I think it’s a weird, quirky observation on this woman’s part which, quite frankly, causes me to question her mental stability.
— Ben, VA 01/26/2011 Reply
It sounds like SPOUSE SHOULD SEE IT ALL may have a fetish for golden showers and such.
Using the bathroom for “going” to me is a private affair.
Using the bathroom for sex is a completely different “animal!”
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/25/2011 Reply
I agree with D.W. regarding Boderline Personality Disorder. My mother also has BPD and it affected everyone in our family very negatively, especially my sister and I. There were numerous cycles of her leaving, coming back and begging for forgiveness, then forgetting/denying she did anything wrong and she would act as the victim. Unfortunately my father kept taking her back and the emotional scars would stay with my sister and I for years to come. Cat your reply was a good one, but I believe he should also file for full custody. No one knows better than someone who has been through it that the child should definitely be with her father to provide 24/7 emotional support and safety. The mother has a mental illness, but her behaviors will definitely affect the child in negative ways….and it will be much worse than the child “not liking” the father.
— JC, Pittsburgh 01/25/2011 Reply
re: “business” of privacy… on our honeymoon my husband said, holding the Times, on his way to the hotel bathroom, “you are welcome if I’m showering or shaving…” i knew then we’d get along. that was more than 50 years ago and we’re still kissing.
— Jane Err 01/25/2011 Reply
That works for both you and your husband, but has nothing to do with any other couple, including the one in the above letter.
There are couples out there who have been married for 50 years, 40 years, whatever and don’t have to watch each other piss or share a bathroom at the same time.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 01/25/2011 Reply
I thought the first letter/inquiry was silly for the same reasons as Cat – why is this woman so concerned about her friend’s lack of “openness” (if you want to call it that) in her marriage; but then I read many of the comments posted here which are just as judgmental but in the reverse. Just because some people have an ick factor about being in the bathroom at the same time does not mean everyone has that hang up. The people making fun of the writer are just as bad as she is….there is nothing inherently wrong with either approach. Now, I did know a woman who once told me her husband NEVER saw her without a full face of makeup – she even wore it to bed and then got up super early to reapply in the AM – and I did think that was strange AND bad for your skin, lol; but to each their own.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 01/25/2011 Reply