Columns
Was It Love Or Just A Rebound? And...She Moved Out After He 'Found A Bimbo'
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
DEAR CAT: About a year ago I got involved with a woman who had just started a divorce and wasnât ready for a serious relationship. We spent tons of time together and I felt weâd eventually become an official couple. More than once she wanted us to âtake a breakâ until her divorce was finalized, but every time we tried, weâd miss each other too much. Now she says we should just be friends, but I told her that I can’t because of my romantic feelings for her (weâve both said that we love one another.) I worry Iâve ruined the chance to be with her because I could never respect her desire for a break. At times Iâve felt like a rebound, but I believed it when she said she loved me. I also believe weâll get back together but am I missing a crucial sign here? â JUST A REBOUND?
DEAR JUST: You havenât done anything to ruin your chances with her, but you could, if you push too hard. Unfortunately you fell for a woman when you were open and ready but she wasnât truly available, and now your sort-of relationship has been downgraded to friendship. Wooing and courting are great but when a woman asks for time, itâs best to give it. Be patient and let her miss you! If she chooses you after sheâs free and clearâ¦.Catâs Call: Youâll know youâre not a rebound.
DEAR CAT: In 2008 I learned that my husband of twenty years joined a website and found a 30 year old bimbo to write filthy messages to. His only explanation was, âthey are only wordsâ. For two years I tried to save our marriage but my trust was destroyed and I finally moved out last summer. Then lo and behold he found another woman on the same site and drove to another state to meet her. No one knew where he went and he didnât even bother to return phone calls from his own children for days. Thatâs just one of many inconsiderate, selfish, low-life incidents he has pulled. I canât bear to see the hurt and disappointment in my sonâs eyes. I know this is their father (in namesake only), but how do I cope with his selfish behavior when it comes to my children? Would love your call. â PASSED OVER FOR A BIMBO
DEAR PASSED: Your children are fortunate to have a mother who cares deeply about their feelings, and the best thing you can do is maintain a calm and stable household. 1) Avoid verbally bashing their father every minute. Your kids have a new family dynamic to adjust to, let them do that in peace. 2) Be honest and donât embellish when answering their questions so they can digest the truth. 3) Act strong. This means try not to break down, yell or sob continuously in front of them. Theyâve already âlostâ their father, donât make them fear losing their mother, too. The best medicine for emotional trauma is unwavering love, support (from you and a professional, if necessary) and a sense of humor. Rememberâ¦Catâs Call: These tips apply to you as much as your kids.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Passed Over For A Bimbo – You’re walking a very fine line here, toots. I think you’re letting what your husband did to you cloud your judgement a bit. You’re the one that decided to move out, right? So really, you have zero rights to know what your husband is doing or where he is. Maybe your kids did know, or a variety of other people. Sounds like you didn’t know his location and you’re upset because you’re not the most important thing to him now. You gave up the right to know everything and have control of everything when you moved out.
You say him meeting a woman on a site and driving to meet her is just one of the low-life things he’s done. Without knowing all the others, I can’t really comment, but honestly…
I think you need to get over it. I doubt your kids are as disappointed as you think they are with their father – they’re probably pissed at the entire situation. Ranting about his bad behavior isn’t going to help your kids.
You need to act like nothing negative is going on – let their father live his life. Is he still a good dad? Does he take care of them financially and still WANT to talk to them at all? Not returning phone calls for days isn’t a crime. It happens. I think you might be making the dad out to be worse than he is because you’re still pissed he “cheated” on you.
Maybe after twenty years of getting hassled, he lost his mind a little bit. You sound like you could use a fresh start as well. So get over it and get on it. You’ll only do both yourself and your kids wonders.
— Aubrey in Pittsburgh 12/07/2010 Reply
Regarding the fortune of the children: The other option is that POFAB is so consumed with vilifying her husbad, she is now weaving her children into the web. Very, very bad for children.
We’ve herad POFAB’s side of the story. I’ll bet Ex’s would be very enlightening. Bottom line: She left. That act left him free to go wherever and do whatever with whomever. At most, he’s guilty of not returning phone calls while on ‘vacation’.
Hang in there, Dad. Stay open to the kids and talk to them. Love them from wherever you are. Respect their mother, and respect yourself. Ten years from now, they will sort it out quite accurately, in spite of what they have been told.
— Ray from Pittsburgh 12/07/2010 Reply
For Rebound –
It doesn’t take a New York lawyer to know that a separated woman is a married woman. The purpose of a separation period prior to divorce is to allow both parties time to think it over, and possibly consider reconciliation. That is often overlooked, but it’s a fact.
So…, in this case, Johnny Rebound (YOU) is waiting in the on deck circle, willing, ready, and able to swoop in to play the leading man to a married woman.
You put yourself in a position to be the rebound guy, actually pursued the role, then you whine about it when it happens. Go figure…..
Sorry Cat, I think you’re wrong – you were way too easy on this one â heâs getting exactly what he deserved.
— Ben, VA 12/07/2010 Reply
Hmm, not sure I was too easy on him. You can’t help falling for someone, you can only choose to pursue them or not. That’s why I told him to pull back and wait. About separation, you are 100% right and that fact is often overlooked.
— Cat 12/07/2010 Reply
Yes, exactly, that’s what I’m talking about – the choice as to whether or not to pursue. I remember in fifth grade I had fallen hard for my teacher. But even at that young age I knew it was wrong to pursue Sister Mary Catherine.
That was all his doing, his decision to pursue – and then he whined when it didn’t end up the way he wanted. Sorry, no pity here……
— Ben, VA 12/07/2010 Reply
I’ll say! I couldn’t ever count how many separated men ask me out and are clearly miffed when I point out that they’re still married. They always say, “I’m separated!” like I’m overreacting about some tiny detail. Separated couples get back together all the time usually after it sinks in how expensive divorce is.
— Irene, West End 12/07/2010 Reply
To “Just A Rebound”: It’s really hard to get involved with someone who isn’t yet ‘free’ of their previous relationship, in this case a marriage. It’s normal to wonder if you’re a rebound and the simple answer is “yes” but maybe not in the worst sense. You ARE a rebound in that she went directly from her husband to you, and I’m sure she was thankful to have someone like you to lean on instead of going it alone as her marriage ended. But I worry about people who want to take a break, it reminds me of that old Friends episode. If this were about a man we’d say “he’s just not that into you” but because it’s a woman we think “she just needs more time.” None of us could say if she loved you in the romantic way but if she won’t be with you, does it matter?
To “Passed Over”: I have nothing to add to Cat’s advice, it was right on.
— Katie, Pittsburgh 12/07/2010 Reply
Passed over,
Perhaps your husband joined a website to escape a sexless marriage and was craving being wanted. I’m not saying he was right in what he did, but I am pointing out that your ex’s behavior is not that of people in happy marriages. You should examine your role in the marriage as well before you trash your husband. I have been tempted to join sites that like since I have a almost sexless marriage and a wife that uses sex to manipulate me. It is hell on a man’s self esteem to be constantly rejected.
— David, Pittsburgh 12/07/2010 Reply
Well Dave, maybe you just aren’t “cutting it” for your wife.
After all, if the sex was good, you would be getting some without being manipulated.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 12/07/2010 Reply
REBOUND, people getting out of serious relationships are weird like that..they are afraid of falling for the very next person they get involved with, hence the ‘rebound’ taboo. In my experiences, when a woman mentions “taking a break”, it isn’t going to work out, no matter what she says about love. Would you tell somebody you really loved and wanted to be with that you need to “take a break”? I don’t think so. You’ve told her how you feel, and that’s all you can do. Cat is right, be patient, but don’t waste your time waiting forever.
— Bryan, Pittsburgh 12/07/2010 Reply
I think the first guy is the rebound guy. I think he knows it, but isn’t quite yet ready to accept it. That’s normal. I was trying to think if I’ve ever been the rebound guy. Then I was trying to think if I’ve ever been “the guy.” Ever.
As for the wife, she has a lot of anger and resentment. If she hasn’t already done so, she needs to divorce the guy and get on with her life. Whether he wants to be a father is a separate matter. It’s possible that she won’t be able to force him to be a father, which will be VERY hard on the kids. This probably won’t have a nice outcome.
In the end, she’ll need to move her life forward. And the less she thinks about him and his bimbos, the better.
— Mike not at work 12/07/2010 Reply
Well Rebound; you’re situation doesn’t sound that unusual. Just be cool dude, and if she doesn’t want to stay involve with you, move on. As for Passed Over, Cat gave pretty good advice there. Everyone else that wrote in about just kept speculating about facts that are not in the record, so to speak. And there are also some idiots out there just writing in to cause problems (guess who that is).
— carm in pittsburgh 12/07/2010 Reply
Funny how everyone keeps pointing out that separated means still married for LW1, but doesn’t seem to notice that LW2 who’s been attacked (mainly on speculation) seems to also still be married. She moved out, yes, but there’s no mention of legal separation, let alone divorce.
I’d also like to see how many people would say a woman who disappears for several days and refuses to return her children’s phone calls because she’s too busy getting laid is still a ‘good mother’ so long as she can “take care of them financially and still WANT to talk to them at all?”
— Maria 12/08/2010 Reply
I’m amazed at this point too, it’s the first thing I thought when I started reading comments. Nobody and I mean not one person would defend a mother in the same circustances. Of course she moved out if her husband is cheating! She might not be divorced yet but better to get the kids out of the house now.
— Marisa 12/08/2010 Reply
You guys seem to be missing the point that she has apparently designated herself the custodial parent during this separation. That’s obviously a different role than that of the guy sitting alone at home. I guarantee you the kids would have barely noticed the delay in getting their calls returned if their scorned mother wasn’t fuming over his whereabouts. She is inserting her children into the middle of this nasty breakup to bolster her own case that her husband is a bad guy. Bad parenting on both sides….kids lose.
— Mark 12/09/2010 Reply