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Is She Secretly Looking For Someone Else? And....Cousin Must 'Adopt' A New Outlook
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
DEAR CAT: Iâve been in a relationship for 1½ years. Before this I was married for 18 years, divorced for 10 years. My current relationship has been wonderful and we enjoy each otherâs hobbies; golf, bridge, long walks, and we are both practicing Catholics. One of my downfalls is that my retirement plan is almost non-existent and Iâll have to work into my 70’s, but I get along with her family and weâve vacationed with them. She and I live in different towns so weekends are the only time we see each other. The problem: she was on my computer and forgot to close her account on a dating site. I was dumbfounded when I stumbled onto this because her Facebook status says âin a relationshipâ with me. I didnât tell her I saw the dating site but I confronted her and asked if she wanted out, i.e. if she was looking around for someone else. She swore on her fatherâs grave that she wasn’t, but what should I do about this relationship? â MIDWEST MAN
DEAR MIDWEST: Sometimes even in wonderful relationships people can feel uncertain. Maybe that describes her but it definitely describes you – youâre nervous sheâs scouting for someone with more financial security. Youâve been together more than a year, yet there is no mention of marriage, plans to live in the same town, or even to see each other more often than the weekends. Thatâs not a crime but it leaves the relationship open to interpretation. Itâs time to add honesty to the list of hobbies – talk about what you saw, how you feel, and your intentions for the future. By the way, if I had a nickel for every time someone claimed to âstumble ontoâ their girlfriendâs or boyfriendâs private online activityâ¦.Catâs Call: I could pay for your retirement.
DEAR CAT: My cousin told me that she once gave a child up for adoption. She has never informed her adult children about this because she is afraid of how they’ll react. I know her kids and I think they would understand her situation. I am afraid one day the âadoptedâ sibling will come find the other siblings and that would be worse. My cousin says sheâll deal with it when the time comes. What’s your call? — SPEAK UP OR WAIT AND SEE?
DEAR SPEAK: There is no âsituationâ to be remedied. Youâre fixated on one âwhat if?â scenario but there are many to consider. You may know her children, but theyâre not your children and you might be wrong about their reaction. What if they donât understand why their mother gave away a child? What if they resent her for it? What if they feel guilty? What if theyâre suddenly filled with the desire to find their long lost sibling? And what if that person doesnât want to be found? Your cousin had her reasons for legally giving away that child and keeping it secret. Sheâs had decades (presumably) to live with that decision and regardless of your feelings, itâs her decision to bear. Telling her children might open old wounds for herâ¦.Catâ Call: And create new ones for them.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I am an adopted 47 year old woman. When I was 19, I searched and found my birthmother. She had not told any of her children about me. At first, she wanted to be great friends, she felt horrible guilt for giving me up, while she was a minor and her father had signed all the necessary papers. I had grown up believing and still believe that I had a wonderful birthmother who gave me the best of a life. What is truly unfortunate is that there are so many secrets involved that our relationship was doomed from the beginning. I believe that secrets breed sickness, and ill feelings. If there had been no secrets, and no shame in all of it, I might still have the friendship that I had wanted. My birthmother’s 3 children, my 2 half brothers, and a half sister were very angry about me coming into her life, and then, I was blamed for being the cause of all kinds of depression and alcoholism in these kids. I still wish that we could have had some kind of relationship. I never wanted anything but that. Honesty is the best policy and giving up a child for adoption is a wonderful, and honorable thing. A woman that gives up a child for adoption is so unselfish, and I would commend any young mom for doing just that. There is NO shame in this! And, I believe that telling the children will only make her relationship with the children stronger. Those “what ifs” could cause much sadness, anger and mistrust. I’d rather have had the honesty!
Beth Gallagher Warkentin
— Beth Gallagher Warkentin, Elrama PA 01/04/2011 Reply
To Midwest Man: I feel for you, as the openly used dating site is a bad sign if you consider the relationship to be exclusive; however, I do not see you state that you and your lady friend agreed to that in the past; and I also agree with Cat that your description of the relationship paints a picture of a more limited connection. After a year and a half, your lady friend may be wondering when things will step up a bit, and she may have been looking at the “field” while wondering this…If you want the relationship to be exclusive, then talk to her, make plans to move closer together (if possible) or move in together, see each other more often, or even get married again :) I am sure she is not concerned with your bank account/retirement account or she wouldn’t be with you after all this time, but you need to let go of that issue. Good luck! P.S. I also agree with Cat that you were either looking at her internet activity or she wanted you to see it, so you would know she has options…..maybe she was giving you a big hint that she wants more from you…..
For Speak Up – I agree with the prior poster that there is no shame in adoption, but not everyone FEELS that way, and it is not for Speak Up to interfere in a situation that could drastically change multiple lives. Based upon the prior poster’s own story, the reintroduction of birth mother and adopted child could be very traumatic. It is up to the birth mother to decide when and how she tells her family. I think the birth mother should tell her children, but a third party cannot barge in and do so.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 01/04/2011 Reply
Thank you for sharing your life story – clearly your experience is a very pertinent point of view for the “Wait and See” story – and that doesn’t happen very often.
I hope you’ve been able to handle the emotional roller coaster which came with re-uniting with your biological family, especially since it didn’t turn out as happy as you had hoped.
I wish you well.
— Ben, VA 01/04/2011 Reply
Speak up has got to be the nosiest person ever.
simply: mind you own business!!
Your cousin made a hard decision at a hard time in her life – a meaningful and PERSONAL decision. Would you feel so compelled to tell her kids if she had aborted the child instead? In both cases the decision is personal.
I think you have too much time on your hands and are looking for some drama.
Go volunteer some place – there is plenty of tragedy and drama already in the world – go relieve someone else’s pain instead of creating more pain.
This is not your information or your story – keep out of it!
There is an old story about Person-A that spread GOSSIP about Person-B. Person-A came and asked forgiveness from Person-B. Person-B said, “bring me a feather pillow.” Person-A brought the feather pillow to Person-B. Person-B ripped the pillow in two, then looked at Person-A and and said, “Now go and put all the feathers back into the pillow.”
Once the words are out of your mouth – you would never, ever be able to put them back in.
Keep your mouth closed.
— to speak up: don't you dare!!! 01/04/2011 Reply
My call on 1st question: his financial status didn’t occur to me the first time reading it but then it started to outshine all the other points and I give Cat credit for considering that aspect. Because why would he mention his lack of retirement funds otherwise? Obviously he is concerned that the woman sees this as one of his downfalls and it makes him insecure. I understand both sides of that – I see why she’d be concerned and why maybe he hasn’t talked about marriage because of it. I also agree that he looked at her computer.
My call on the 2nd question: The cousin’s children situation is none of her business! She should keep quiet and not bother her cousin about it for one second. Just beacuse she told you about it doesn’t mean she needs to be told what to do regarding her own children. Adoption is a beautiful thing but it is also serious and private. Good call on this one, I agree completely.
— S.T. in pittsburgh 01/04/2011 Reply
Dear Ben in VA, thank you for your kind words. I wish to clarify that I don’t condone having a relative inform anyone about a prior adoption. This should be only the birth mother’s decision. She should never be pressured either! I can only say, from my experience, I am so grateful to have met these people. Even though we don’t have a continuing relationship, I feel honored to have been able to meet them, and be a part of their lives, even for a moment. So many adopted children are never able find their roots. After meeting my birth mother, I was able to find and meet my biological father. He and my parents have been good friends, and he is a wonderful addition to my family. All in all, I have been so very blessed to have been so unselfishly given, at birth, to great parents that loved me completely, and then those wonderful parents helped me in my search to find out where I came from. Unconditional love, honesty, and family are the most important of life’s treasures!
— Beth G-W, Elrama PA 01/04/2011 Reply