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How Much Should You Tell A New Lover? & Taking The Leap From Friendship To...More
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
DEAR CAT: My question addresses a sensitive subject Iâm sure many of your readers can identify with, although it is not something people talk about. Many years ago I had an abortion. After that I was in a relationship that has now ended. I was just wondering, if I become involved with someone new, should I bring this up? I am inclined to think not, and just see what transpires. Your call? — PERPLEXED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR PERPLEXED: Have you ever had a yeast infection? An abnormal pap? Are your periods regular? How moody and annoying do you get during PMS? If a date asked you these questions, would you feel compelled to answer them? How unfortunate to feel like youâre branded or wearing a scarlet âAâ that must be justified. There are many decisions women make concerning their reproductive health, none of which is anyone elseâs business. The only important question is: do you volunteer your entire gynecological history to every new partner? If so, I must tell you thatâs not a big turn-on. If notâ¦Catâs Call: You just answered your own question.
DEAR CAT: I work with a guy that I have a ton of things in common with and we’ve been good friends since we met. Our relationship is now at the point where it could transition into something more than friends and he wants it to, but I’m afraid to take the leap. If something went wrong down the road, I would hate to see it affect our jobs (this company is a fantastic opportunity for both of us). We already work so closely together and it’s a lot to spend ten hours a day with someone, then leave and spend even more time together. It makes me nervous. I don’t want to be dumb and pass on a great guy but I’m finally happy just being single, going with flow, having fun and dating. The thought of all this puts my stomach into knots. What’s your take? — AFRAID TO JUMP
DEAR JUMP: Your perspective is quite refreshing. Very often people jump into relationships because they think they shouldnât âlet a good one go.â But good doesnât always imply chemistry â and whatâs life (or a great relationship) without that? Truth be told, your stomach knots can tell you far more than I. Right now youâre happy and enjoying the single life, which just happens includes a friendship and work relationship with him, so why worry yourself about dating him? Yes, he might be a totally great guy but maybe not a great guy for you. He is your colleague, after all, which could mean the timing isnât ideal. If you were secretly in love with him, thatâs one thing. But itâs quite another to date someone because you feel âsociallyâ compelled. Follow your heart and listen to your gut; literally and figuratively. Butterflies in your stomach are really good. Knots? Catâs Call: Not so much.
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Cat I have a question for you: how are you not married???? I am sure people have wanted to marry you. Your column today (jan 5) is an example of such smart, sensible thinking, the likes of which are not seen very often. I actually laughed a little in the abortion question, when you said talking about your medical history isn’t a big turn-on! It offered a bit of humor and you were so smart with that answer, you didn’t dive into the whole issue like anyone else would. Hats off to you Ms. Cat.
— Jack, Buffalo 01/05/2010 Reply
I love love love love love your response to “Perplexed in Pittsburgh.” I can’t say that enough. I’ve never been in that situation but as a woman who has faced similar ethical quandaries I am blown away by the brilliant simplicity and intellectual elegance of your logic. Bravo Ms. Specter.
— C.K. 01/05/2010 Reply
Comparing abortion, aka, a human life lost, to a pap smear or PMS? You are way off on this one. Yes, such a topic is a private issue. Diminishing the unspoken grief and pain, which the writer seems to hold, by comparing such a life-changing decision with a yeast infection, is tantamount to slapping her in the face with her own guilt. How about a bit of sensitivity and positive advice, such as seeking out counseling or a program such as project Rachel where one can find healing.
— kathy, wexford, pa 01/05/2010 Reply
Cat I’d say that whether or not a woman tells a man if she’s had an abortion depends on many things. She may not want children, might not feel comfortable around children. Where does he stand on abortion. If she’s thinking about a serious relationship it is important. Just the fact that it bothers her, why would she feel the need to tell him, suggests she needs to talk with a counsellor. Your advice is wrong. She killed her unborn child, at a very premature stage, and she needs to talk to someone, who knows what she is talking about. Project Rachael is one such resource.
— John Valentine 01/05/2010 Reply
Wow! To compare Perplexed abortion to a gynecologial event is short changing her emotional scarlet letter. I am not advocating for or against abortion however it does carry with it emotional, social and moral weight that a pre-cancerous pap does not. Dismissing her concern short changed her feelings.
— Stan from Oil City 01/05/2010 Reply
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised reading some of the angry comments here. Everyone always thinks they know exactly how women feel. I didn’t get the sense all that “Perplexed” is in need of counseling or that she’s living with terrible grief every day. If anything I think she feels exactly as you described, like she’s wearing a scarlet “a”. If abortion wasn’t such a touchy political subject nobody would talk about it. Hey conservatives….you think women throughout history talked about their abortions? Quit guilting women into spilling their entire private lives….and Cat is right that the subject isn’t something she needs to talk about with a new date or boyfriend. Give me a break. Very well done Cat.
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 01/05/2010 Reply
A woman need not directly say she had an abortion, but instead bring up the subject and say a friend of hers had one to guage his reaction. If her boyfriend feels its wrong and was murder and she thinks it just a medical procedure, then she should break off the relationship immediately. If she regrets what she did, she should talk to him directly about and they could decide together whether they have a future. Secrets like that will come out eventually. Ive used this tactic in the reverse to gauge a womans reaction to certain issues I feel strongly about; without asking the questions directly.
— D. 01/05/2010 Reply
Hi Cat- This is JUMP. I wanted to let you know that I am with the guy in question now and I’m so happy! Your advice to follow my heart was spot on! And you’re right, I was trying to be adult by thinking about it before I jumped in. I was just scared to take the leap, but now that I did I realized my nervousness was silly. We do have all the things that make up a good relationship and I would be dumb to ignore that. He’s a great guy and I’m finding out that he is also a great guy for me! Thanks.
— JUMP, Pittsburgh 01/05/2010 Reply
Well, these are weighty issues in today’s column. Maybe the readers comments, instead of trying to solve the problems of the world, should concentrate on just the problems of the two people who wrote in for advice. As for Perplexed, I don’t think she necessarily needs to unload her entire past history to her new relationship unless and until it becomes an issue that they need to know about. She may at some point want to tell him about it, if/when she thinks the time is right, but she shouldn’t be punishing herself about it; people’s live and personalities change often in this life, and the important thing is to keep evolving in a positive way. As for Afraid to Jump, if she is afraid there must be a good reason for it and she should keep that in mind. At some point, when she determines that the benefits outweigh the potential problems, maybe she’ll decide to dive in. On the other hand, if her hormones were raging and she just couldn’t stop form jumping in right now, there wouldn’t be any stopping her. The fact that she even wrote to CAT, however, and is thinking about it, suggests otherwise.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 01/05/2010 Reply
I agree generally with your answer, however the taking of a human life, no matter at what stage, reveals something quite significant about the persons character, at least at that stage in their life. Now redemption is a possibility, so they may have reformed and become the person you need them to be. Pre-marriage discussions should always include the topic of sex and kids, how much, how often, how many, what do we do if, presence of STD’s, etc. It is during such discussions that one can get a feel for the other persons approach to these life issues and react accordingly. You do a good job, I find it hard to believe that one so young can have so many good answers. Do you do it all yourself or do you have a team that crafts the answers?
—— Thanks. The column is all me. -Cat
— Bill L. 01/05/2010 Reply
I don’t think Perplexed should have to tell anyone about her history, but if a man she is dating asks about something like that and she doesn’t answer honestly, are they really ever going to have a successful relationship? Declining to answer is one thing, but if you become ‘involved’ you’ll have to discuss it. Someone who cares about her will be compassionate about situations such as this, but not telling someone the truth is the same as lying…
— Andy, PGH 01/05/2010 Reply
Follow-Up: Great news about Jump taking the plunge. We will need status up dates as the relationship continues, matures, evolves, hits new highs and lows, etc., and how it affects their work atmosphere. ;-) These are the Days of Our Lives!
— Carm in Pittsburgh 01/05/2010 Reply
Really, you equate an abortion to a yeast infection??? Wow! How very politically correct of you! The truth is that there is a big difference between the two. Many people do not view an abortion as being a casual thing and feel it is morally wrong. Therefore, I think it is something that should be revealed once a relationship starts to become serious.
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 01/05/2010 Reply
I agree with “Andy in Pgh” and Cat about “Perplexed.” She does not HAVE to tell anyone but she also shouldn’t lie about it if a serious relationship partner asks about her history. As he said very well: Someone who cares about her will be compassionate about situations such as this. If she just wants to forget it and ends up lying, it wouldn’t make her a bad person but if she’s in a marriage-bound relationship it’s probably best to just say it so she’s not alone carrying around her ‘big secret’.
— Mandy, San Francisco 01/05/2010 Reply
Afraid to Jump:
Never, ever, ever become romantically involved with someone you work with. If it’s inevitable that you fall in love and want to stay that way, one of you must leave said workplace.
It creates too much tension and uncomfortable situations. I’ve seen it happen at my job, and it has never worked out well.
— Beth, Pittsburgh 01/05/2010 Reply
I cannot see how you can compare an abortion to a PAP Smear or yeast infection. One is a human life. The others are a procedure and a diagnosis. If this woman is concerned about revealing this to a partner then that is the problem. Someone who cares about her and knows the type of person she is will be supportive and understanding. I am sure, but for whatever reason this woman felt she had to make the choice she did. However, it seems now that she is not sure of her decision, and she is afraid what others will think. Finding someone who loves you, no matter what, is important. If she is unsure how her partner will take it then, maybe this isn’t the right person. Eventually her “secret” will come out and isn’t it better to be upfront than trying to explain later?
— Sharon- Cranberry Twp. 01/05/2010 Reply
Cat – it seems many of the more outraged responses to Perplexed did not read her inquiry and are jumping to conclusions, and into moral waters. The woman was asking if she should reveal her past abortion to a new dating interest, and your advice Cat was spot on. A past abortion, no matter your moral viewpoint, is not proper conversation for early dating. And for Andy, who proposed that she could not lie if asked directly, what kind of man/person would ask such a thing on a first date, or second or third? How bizarre to think that would happen. When I was single, if a man had asked me that early on, I would have ended it right there. For those giving advice for when and if a relationship grows more serious, I agree generally with the viewpoints so far; but this girl is not in a serious relationship. Great call once again Cat.
— Karen C 01/05/2010 Reply
Hello Cat,
Thank you for writing about abortion as the normal life experience it is for many millions of women. Those opposed to abortion, however, prefer the stigma with which they have enmeshed it and will not be happy. Just so you know who I am, let me fill you in. Up until a year ago when I retired, I was the director of an abortion clinic for thirty years, and also functioned as a counselor there. I still am active on the issue. I congratulate you for writing about abortion as a gynecological experience, which it is for some women, although not for all. Your answer, however, addressed exactly what the writer wanted to know. I agree that it is her private information to share or not, as she chooses and said exactly that to many thousands of women through the years. I was recently part of an article in New York Magazine and was surprised that the anti-abortion forces who are certainly not readers of that particular magazine, took over the online letters. I hope that your experience will not be the same!
— C.K. 01/06/2010 Reply
For Perplexed, I agree that the topic is not something that should be brought up to someone who you are just casually dating and getting to know. However, I disagree that an abortion is similar to routine gynecological procedures and tests -I’m with Sharon that we are talking about a human life here. I think it would be unfair to someone’s partner (down the line only) if this information is not revealed once a relationship is very very serious.
For the woman who is not sure if she should date someone from work -I’ve done it twice in my career and it has only led to disaster. However, I don’t think anyone should pass up on love for this reason. My guess is that you are not really into this guy if you have to stop and ask. When someone really excites you, nothing will stand in the way. Just something to think about.
— Debbie, Mt. Lebanon 01/06/2010 Reply
Cat, I agree that timing is important in talking about any intimate details of your life. This was a question I faced a few years ago and I chose to wait to tell my now-husband about my three abortions until the time was right. It saddens me, however, to read the nasty and sarcastic comment from responses like C.K.‘s which attempts to belittle those of us who regret and feel hurt by our abortion experiences. People are entitled to their own opinion, I get that. But why are some people so afraid to accept that abortion can be a very negative experience for some women? Why does CK have to make us out as wrong, inadequate, vengeful or anything other than hurting, trying to heal and expressing our true opinions?
— Jane, Gibsonia 01/06/2010 Reply
Jane,
It couldn’t have been so terrible for you . . . you did it THREE times.
— MCC, Pittsburgh 01/08/2010 Reply
Fretful periods or a yeast infection are not considered moral quandaries, whereas abortions are, so comparing those is not actually fair. On the other hand, this isn’t something you want to just bring up as though it’s a big deal; because then you’ll make it so with someone who may not consider it so.
Just like with any politically or religiously strong opinions or actions, you should get a general feel for what the other person thinks on the subject before telling. Also, you should find out your own feelings — perhaps you are distraught with bringing it up because you feel guilty for doing it! Once you’ve gotten a good feel for both, if the subject comes up, you can approach it honestly and with dignity. If he isn’t going to respect you for your decisions, past and present, on the matter, then you know he’s not the guy for you.
— gwen, pittsburgh 01/11/2010 Reply
JUMP –
I think it’s wonderful you decided to go for the relationship. I have been dating my co-worker for almost 4 years now. The best way to make it work is to communicate. If one of you is upset/angry at the other talk about it right away. The last thing you want is your personal life affecting your work. Keep things professional at work and I’m sure it will all work out fine for you!
— Anonymous Pittsburgh 01/14/2010 Reply