Columns
He Fears Eating Disorder Will Turn Women Off & Wife Worries About Husband's 'Office Spouse'
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
DEAR CAT: I’m a 33 year-old man who has battled an eating disorder for 13 years. In the past three years itâs gotten worse and I’ve been hospitalized five times. That said, I work full time, Iâm successful, and trying to lead a normal life. It’s a dangerous and complicated disease to begin with, and I feel like it’s almost taboo to be a man with it (I grew up thinking men drink beer, eat steak, and body image shouldn’t influence their lives.) I periodically go on dates but I’m afraid to let anyone in. My recovery and struggles are my number one priority but I still wish my life could have “normal” facets as well. I don’t have trouble meeting women but should I continue to shut out relationships because I have so much baggage? Or, if I am willing to open up to a relationship, at what point do I reveal my problems? My doctors say I have to accept the fact that I will live with this forever. I’ve made the mistake of not telling anyone about it in the past, but an eating disorder can take control of the present no matter what. Itâs ruined a few relationships already and I don’t think it’s fair to begin a relationship and have a woman develop feelings for me without knowing about my disease as well. âDAMAGED GOODS STARVING FOR LOVE
DEAR DAMAGED: The worst thing people can do on a first date is talk about big personal problems. The second worst is neglecting to share big personal problems (âIâm married,â âIâm on the FBIâS Most Wanted List,â âIâm royaltyâ) until after a relationship has begun. Be honest about your disease no later than the third date, which gives you enough time to see if you even like each other enough to start opening up. In the best relationships partners make each other their priority. Are you ready to do that? Your recovery requires selfishness – the good kind, not the bad kind – and at this stage you may only have room for casual dating. If so, enjoy it! In your zeal to find love donât underestimate the beauty of taking things slow and allowing yourself to have fun. That means donât push yourself, or your dates, for seriousness early on. You are much more than your eating disorder, andâ¦.Catâs Call: The healthier you are, the healthier your relationships will be.
DEAR CAT: Iâm worried my husband could develop an âoffice spouse.â I hear thatâs the term for opposite-sex coworkers who spend lots of time together and develop a close friendship to the point they become like a spouse away from home. The whole officeâs hours are getting longer and including more travel. He gives me no reason to worry but I just miss him now that he works so much and I guess I really want you to tell me Iâm just being paranoid. â âREALâ SPOUSE
DEAR REAL: Your husband has given you no reason to worry, so donât! If he must work longer hours, use that time to do meaningful or productive things. Hintâ¦Catâs Call: Creating a fictional âoffice spouseâ is not one of them.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Dear Cat,
I wanted to tell you I forwarded your column today around because I think your response to Starving for Love should be read by anyone no matter what they are dealing with. I laughed when I read “I’m royalty” then I felt myself choke up when you wrote “you are more than your eating disorder.” I am almost crying as I write it here. Thank you for not jumping on the typical bandwagon that says “!!!you need a relationship to be happy!!!” because that is not always best for someone with a severe problem like this. You told him the truth and asked him the most important question, which is can he give to a relationship? I feel for this man and I do not believe most people would come out and say that. I read your column every week and this why. Thank you.
— T. in New York 02/01/2011 Reply
I agree Cat’s response to the man with the eating disorder was terrific. What I do not agree with is your point that the most important question is whether he can give enough to a relationship. I do not feel that was Cat’s point at all. It was just one of several excellent points in the response to a man who is obviously consumed by this disorder and his recovery from it. I agree her point about him being more than his eating disorder is extremely well said.
— JT Pittsburgh 02/01/2011 Reply
Damaged Goods is in a catch-22 because he is most definitely sensitive to the burden his disorder could place on a girlfriend but getting into a serious relationship may not the best idea until he gets this under control. A happy new relationship could be great for him but if it goes sour he might not be healthy enough to deal with it. He has the typical mentality of someone with an eating disorder or other disease or serious addiction and I worry that women will want to “save” him. I’ve seen that happen and the relationships are extremely one sided. Follow Cat’s advice and try having a little fun! I wish him the best.
— Kathy in Pgh 02/01/2011 Reply
On the first question: I like everything Cat told him and this is going to sound kind of insensitive but it has to be said. He’s scared to tell them about it because who wants to start dating someone who’s been in the hospital five times in three years? Women might not have as much patience for a man dealing with this problem. I think if he really can’t function in normal social situations he’s not ready to get involved at any level beyond extremely casual.
On the second question: This kind of thinking makes marriages fall apart. Pretty soon you’ll be convinced your husband is cheating and nothing he does or says will convince you he’s not. Don’t go down this road, find something else to do with your time than set up your hardworking spouse as the fall guy for your own insecurities.
— Shaw 02/01/2011 Reply
I’m only going to comment on the second item. And it’s a sarcastic reply. My brother and I would say something like this: “Like we need two women nagging us.”
Unless he starts becoming real secretive — guarding his cellphone, always checking his personal e-mail and such — there probably is nothing to worry about.
OK, I’ll offer a suggestion for the first guy. I would suggest, No. 1) Get healthy. No. 2) Get your head cleared of everything. 3) Allow yourself to have a fresh start in life and put the past into the past. And that will be the biggest challenge. When you do, it will be a huge burden off of your shoulders.
— Mike, Downtown 02/01/2011 Reply
On the second item – even though there’s no reason to be suspicious, it would be still be good to be around and be part of your husband’s life vs. going off and engaging in other activities. Without being suspicious or paranoid, you could arrange to meet him for dinner or coffee after some of those long days, so that you are the person he talks to about what’s going on at work, vs. someone else. If possible, you might also go along on one of the trips if there is an interesting place where you could do your own activities during the day and be with him in the evening. Just because he is working long days and traveling does not mean that you have to stay in the background.
— PB from NY 02/01/2011 Reply
For the first person, some great advise I received once is very appropriate: In order to love someone else, you must first love yourself.
For the 2nd person, that is a great way to drive your husband to cheat. If you start accusing him and giving him grief based on your fears, he might decide that since he is getting the grief anyway, might as well really do it!
— Duane, Pittsburgh 02/02/2011 Reply
Hi Cat,
I want to sincerely thank you and your readers for the words of encouragement and for taking the time to respond to my questions in your column. I realize I’m somewhat biased given the circumstances, but as a long time reader I think this was one of your best!
I agree with everything you said. I believe that taking it slow is much healthier than jumping into a relationship. I think that tends to be true for most people, regardless of what shape or place we’re in. I also liked how you gave me a definitive answer in terms of disclosing my problem by the third date. I realize every relationship has its own unique circumstances, and in some situations it might be appropriate to disclose this later on, but the fact that you pointed out it’s okay to exercise discretion for my own sake (and not have it be simultaneously deceptive) is something I’ll keep in perspective moving forward.
I have heard the same advice numerous times that, “if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else,” but I have to believe that there’s more to love and relationships than a cliche. Yes, I know that this is not the ideal time for me to be in a relationship, that I only have so much to give, and that it’s okay for me to be selfish when it comes to my health…but all of those things being said, I choose to believe that love can be stronger than ourselves. I also know that my fear of letting anyone in (on any level) has made me incredibly lonely and at some point I have to at least try to build a life around the fact that I’m ill.
Believe it or not, just writing you about my problem, being so open and honest about it, and seeing the words published for everyone to read (albeit anonymously) was a huge step for me. For various reasons the majority of people with an eating disorder feel a great deal of shame surrounding it; although I think that’s true for all forms of mental illness. Right or wrong, I’ve found this is especially true to be a man with this problem. I have spent 13 years trying to hide it from the rest of world…and have yet to go to a tailgate where I feel it’s the right time to bring it up.
The assumptions a lot of people make regarding eating disorders are that they’re mostly about body image. That is one of the biggest misconceptions of the disease. Body image definitely plays a part in an eating disorder, but an eating disorder is a product of much, much greater physical, psychological, emotional, and circumstantial facets. It was literally the perfect storm for me to develop one. Nonetheless, here I am.
While the good news is that the majority of my physical problems have the potential to completely heal, the hardest part is that I will never be able to experience food the way most people do ever again. That’s another reason why I’ve been so scared to date…because the reality of the disease is that I will continuously fight the possibility of relapsing. (The relapse rate of eating disorders is higher than every type of drug or alcohol addiction. Part of the treatment is to prepare for the relapse, and as with my case, accept that it will happen to some degree.)
Anyway, sorry for rambling on in my thank you note. I’ve taken the past two years to write a book about my problems(s)(s)(s), not just the eating disorder, so it’s hard for me not to be long-winded on the topic. If you’re interested in seeing what a true, real-life train wreck looks like, keep an eye out for my book. You’ll know it’s mine right away when you hear about it. I’m on my last round of editing. I’m not confident about a lot of things…but I am 100% confident it’s going to be a best-seller.
Again, I wanted to write this to express my sincere gratitude. I read the column every week and follow you on Twitter which, in my humble opinion, is where you really shine! I’m a HUGE Howard Stern fan as well and can see from your posts there’s a side to your sense of humor that isn’t always appropriate for the PG. Your advice is a gift to the people that read your column, and your humor on Twitter puts a smile on my face when other’s cannot. I’m glad I get the best of both worlds.
Wishing you and everyone else the best.
— The Dude We're Talking About, Pittsburgh 02/02/2011 Reply
Hi Dude,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m glad my advice was helpful and that publishing your question allowed you to shed some light onto an otherwise ‘hidden’ problem. I know readers will appreciate your honesty, and especially your gratitude for their opinions – that’s why they contribute here! Best of luck with your recovery, your search for love, and your book! Also, if my tweets give you a laugh, that’s great to hear. Especially because it means someone actually reads them. I’ll try to keep at it and you keep at your recovery…deal?
— Cat 02/03/2011 Reply