Columns

She Wants To Give 'Casual Sex' A Try & When Unhappy Couples Urge You To Stay Single

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

DEAR CAT: I didnât lose my virginity until I was 23. It was with my boyfriend, and we broke up about a year later but weâre still friends. The problem is I havenât been with anyone since him and itâs been almost three years. Iâd really like to have sex again but without the entanglements of a serious relationship. Part of me thinks thatâs somewhat slutty but the other part says âyouâre a grown woman, stop over thinking it and go for it.â Beyond the obvious advice to practice safe sex, is there any specific advice you have, since Iâve never had âcasual sexâ before? — GIMME SOME

DEAR GIMME: Since you have no experience with sex outside a committed relationship, itâs most important to moderate your expectations. Sex is easy to find but good sex can be elusive. New lovers donât know each otherâs likes and dislikes, so donât be surprised if a nice four-hour date ends with a lame three-minute romp. Casual sex can be fantastic for sexually mature, consenting adults but it can entangle you more than you think, leaving you or the guy feeling connected – or rejected – afterward. I highly recommend dating someone at least a few times before getting naked, just to see if thereâs real chemistry. No matter what, if you bed someone and they donât call the next day, theyâre not worth a second go. By the wayâ¦Catâs Call: The human body is built for sex and desiring it does not make you a slut.

DEAR CAT: I am a 35 yr old unmarried woman. I have a boyfriend but weâre not super-serious yet. Iâm looking forward to getting married one day but Iâm not in a rush. The problem is all the negative advice I get from unhappy married people who complain to me all the time. They go out of their way to dissuade me from thinking of marriage in a positive light, they even make predictions about my future if I get married, and how Iâm so lucky to be single. These people have children and financial security, and Iâm tired of them trying to talk me out of having the same things. Iâve said, âif youâre that unhappy, why not get divorced?â and they brush it off by saying itâs a hassle, or too expensive, or they definitely will when the children are older. Yeah right. Iâm so sick of it. What can I do to stop this? — QUIT PREDICTING MY BLEAK FUTURE

DEAR QUIT: Some people are only satisfied when they spread their misery around. Everyone knows such people and there are only three ways to deal with them. First, tell them that you never again want to hear their dire predictions and unsolicited advice. They wonât be happy, but nothing new there, right? Second, try to filter them out of your life. Itâs tough, especially if they comprise the bulk of your social circle, but youâll feel lighter without the depressed weight of their presence. Third, show them this column. Hearing âwoe is meâ is bad enough butâ¦Catâs Call: âWoe will be youâ is just obnoxious.

Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.

“The Truth” has to weigh in on this one.

I see nothing wrong with this woman going out and having a good time and hitting the sack with a new guy whenever she desires. Some people would view it as being slutty but every human has his or her desires. The only problem I see with so called sleeping around is all the STDs in todayâs world. Most of them are curable but we do have one that will eventually kill you and it makes it dangerous to live that type of lifestyle. A long time ago somebody told me that when you sleep with somebody you are essentially sleeping with them and everyone they have also slept with. One does need to be careful though and even with protection accidents do happen. It is decision only you can make but keep in mind every time you do decide to sleep with somebody be it a man or woman you have to live with it the rest of your life. (To not feel that way would certainly be slutty)

— The Truth 02/15/2011 Reply
1. You say there’s nothing wrong with her going out and hitting the sack whenever she desires THEN you say it would “certainly be slutty” to not acknowledge that sleeping with somebody means you live with it the rest of your life, whatever that means. I’m here to make a comment that might actually be helpful to her – My Call: Go ahead and have casual sex but make it safe and follow Cat’s advice to get to know someone a little bit first. A one night stand will not satisfy you.
  
  My Call on the second question: Go off on those people! Although they probably think they’re “doing you a favor” you need to tell them to cut it out. Nobody likes a broken record on any subject. At least say “can we talk about ANYTHING else?” Cat’s calls here were right on.
  
  — Sharon, Pittsburgh 02/15/2011 Reply
  1. But isn’t there a contradiction there – as in – “Go ahead and have casual sex, but get to know the person first”. It would seem to me that “getting to know the person” would involve some level of personal connection, if not affection. Is that still casual at that point?
    
    — Ben, VA 02/15/2011 Reply
    1. No there’s no contradiction. Casual sex means no commitment. There can be a ‘connection’ between people and affection just neither person expects anything more than sex.
      
      — Craig,North Carolina 02/15/2011 Reply
      1. I view what you’re describing as “friends with benefits”.
        
        Casual as I see it would be meeting someone in a bar and having a one-nighter.
        
        — Ben, VA 02/16/2011 Reply
My call: There is no such thing as a slut. It’s an old fashoined idea stemming from religious beliefs. The fact is that if you really believed in the idea of sluts you’d already be one for having sex outside of marriage. Go ahead and have some casual sex. I agree it’s not a bad idea to go out a few times first. Yes I’m a man saying this but we have some sense sometimes right? Cat made the best point, about getting attached. Be careful about that. My second call: people who complain all the time about anything are annoying and you shouldn’t give them your time. Life is too short for that nonsense.

— Lance, Point Breeze 02/15/2011 Reply
I liked the part of your answer this morning to the woman who wanted to get laid, but wanted to keep it casual sex. You said there can develop unintended entanglements. I came back to Pitt in 1970 for grad school. I had a monogamous, serious love in undergrad school, but we had just broken up. So like a lot of guys I decided to nail as many women as possible. âFree loveâ as a concept was sweeping the country and I wanted some. No-strings sex. Wow. And it was great. These gorgeous 18, 19, 20 year-old girl-women were so accommodating. I was in sexual Disney World and I had a fistful of V.I.P passes. And I was cool with it. I have sex with you, and you can go have sex with anybody else, and I can have sex tomorrow with someone, and then you and I can have sex the night after, no biggie. I did that for nine months, exceptâ¦I came to realize that these girls/women were not quite as happy with that arrangement as I would have thought. After a few bedtimes they seemed to get a bit uncomfortable with me bedding other females. Because, as it keeps saying in The Little Prince, they had established ties. Andâ¦I came to see that I wasnât enjoying making the free love rounds as much as I used to. I wanted more than just some casual sex, so I just quit. I went back to getting to know someone, establishing my own emotional ties; and eventually fell in actual love, and got married. I learned, and itâs still true for me, that on an emotional level, there is no better sex than sex with your wife. So, casual sexâ¦“free love“â¦was ultimately unsatisfying, because for men it isnât love and for women it isnât free.

— JF 02/15/2011 Reply
1. I think you make a very good point. I tend to share this facet of your view on what i consider satisfying intimacy. Personally, I myself don’t engage in or find sex meaningful when there is no connection or depth of attraction beyond the surface… Still, that is just me (and others who share this view).
  
  What I think is most important from your account, is not the lesson you learned itself, because that is your own personal lesson… but how you actually came to that realization for your own personal truth… by following your desires.
  
  I would suggest that you appreciate your love and marriage more deeply because you experienced ‘free love’ and don’t have to wonder ‘what else is out there’. Possibly, without the ‘free love’ experience you may not have been personally matured/experienced enough to be receptive to meeting the ‘love of your life’.
  
  I know too many people that are in great loving relationships, but create so many issues simply because they never experienced things that they’re now insanely curious about. For some, being a virgin till marriage/love is fine, and they have no doubts about this… however, for many others, they don’t really know this for themselves yet. I believe that they’re doing a disservice to themselves and their future partners by not ‘scratching the itch’…
  
  In this, I truly feel it’s important for people to follow their ‘heart’ or listen to what their desires are suggesting. If someone feels ‘the need’ to experience ‘casual sex’, then they should! Maybe they find out they really like it, and maybe they find out it’s not for them… but either way they learn for themselves an important life lesson that ultimately cannot be learned from someone else’s advice or experience, but only by listening to their own feelings and experience.
  
  If the concern is that you’ll feel bad or guilty later… well in my books, that’s not a reason to avoid what may be a ‘tough lesson’ for you. If you have the desire, and it’s not rationally quelled, sometimes one needs to learn the hard way to truly learn. Further, I think that it expands your consciousness in a deeper way to overcame judgment of other people. Titles like ‘slut’ really only matter if you let them; my thought on this, is that if you’re judging others as slutty, then you’re most likely to feel that shit on yourself. However, if you’re not judging others, you will find that your self-judgement fades away as well. Literally, when you ‘step into the mind’ of what you currently consider a ‘slut’, you may find that you understand the truly human conditions that lead one to that choice, and then you evolve as a being by being able to see the humanity within the ‘sluttery’ and it ceases to become a label you identify.
  
  — Steel City Jai 02/16/2011 Reply
I wish there were more women around that were as brave as “Gimme Some”. There is nothing wrong with sex. In fact, it is quite wonderful. And, as long as no one is cheating on anyone, there is absolutely nothing wrong with. So, “Gimme Some”, if you happen to see this, I am single. And quite enjoyable.

— Matthew 02/15/2011 Reply
RE: GIMME SOME

Wait for the honeymoon.

— Marc, Squirrel Hill 02/15/2011 Reply
To Quit,

My only other perspective on this is that people are trying to make you feel “better” for being single. I was in this same boat as I didn’t marry until close to 40 for the first time and noticed that folks would do this to me as well. I think it was there way of trying to downplay what they had so that I wouldn’t feel bad.

Not sure if this is at all the case in your situation, but just wanted to offer another point of view. Some people view being single as a bad thing, when in fact it is quite wonderful (at times). I do know how hard it is in other ways though…

— Daniela 02/15/2011 Reply
1. I never thought about it that way. I guess you could be right. I have found my sense is more in line with QUIT’s and people kind of like that she’s single and they’re so unhappy that she won’t be available to listen to their gripes anymore if she pairs up and gets married. Cat is sooooooooo right about people who have to spread misery around. If you’re unhappy, get a grip on your life and do something about it. A marriage is something you can get out of even if you have kids, and you’re not doing them any favors by staying together just for appearance sakes. Good luck with your boyfriend, hopefully you’ll fall in love and get married (if that’s what you want) and be happy and too busy to listen to your miserable “friends” any longer!
  
  — burghgirl 02/15/2011 Reply
I think that it depends greatly on the person. To generalize …

— For many women, an emotional attachment is needed to enjoy sex.

— For guys, well, not really.

That always goes back to that worn-out saying: Women use sex to get love. Men use love to get sex.

But if you’ve only been with one guy, you might chance upon the right guy and hit it off sexually. The odds probably are against that. More likely, you’ll get together with a guy who’s looking for a no-commitment quickie, especially if you meet the guy in a bar or online. I’m not saying it won’t happen. I’m just saying that it’s unlikely.

For the second letter, I think most people like to joke about marriage, its pitfalls, etc. And seeing that — what? — 50% of marriages end in divorce, there’s probably a shred of truth in what people say.

— Mike, Downtown 02/15/2011 Reply
Dear Cat…I think your first callout to the girl was a little wishy washy and your final line was a miss because having sex without commitment is basically the definition of a slut. (I actually took the time to look up the definition and Webster’s defines it as a woman with a promiscuous lifestyle.) So yes this chick can have sex, but don’t tell her that her reputation will still be okay. You are right about the human body being created to enjoy an intimate relationship and that it’s not a bad thing to desire. I used the word intimate…because sex is intimate and there’s a reason we don’t regard it lightly. You let her know that if she acts on her urges that she might wish she hadn’t… I’d say that her original decision not to wait is now creating a situation that isn’t healthy. The second column was interesting. I’m a single woman as well. I have observed that married women often make comments that discourage a single woman from desiring marriage. I wish that women would realize that the single lady who isn’t married isn’t living a fairytale life either, and that it’s a normal desire to want a healthy romantic relationship that involves commitment… walking down the aisle, and realizing that those vows don’t promise that everything is going to be perfect… but that you’re going to work together to work it out is important. My first call is that a healthy relationship is a gift from God, one that should be cherished and delighted in. Don’t mess around treating anyone lightly or thinking that a physical relationship isn’t a big deal. Your one night stand could have lasting mental and physical effects on not just you but many different people including the ones that you want to spend the rest of your life with… My second call is that marriage is worth it! If you’ve ever seen the twinkle in the eye of an elderly man describing his sweetheart of sixty years who thinks of the sweet young thing he married everytime she walks into the room or heard a Grandma talk about her darling who now lives in heaven…then you know that true love is a miracle that happens everyday.

— Miss Belle 02/15/2011 Reply
A study by the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation on “U.S. Teen Sexual Activity”, found that 34% of young women become pregnant AT LEAST ONCE before they reach the age of 20 (contraceptives don’t work 100%, either), and approxiately 4 MILLION teens contract an STD each year.
Somewhere, the beautiful and intimate act of marital relations has been moved from the sanctity of the marriage bed to the common ways of our culture. And we are worse for it. God is the author of marriage, romance, and parenthood – and all the acts pertaining thereto.
Whether you are pre-wedding or post-wedding, give fresh consideration to God’s design for sexual relations – and His perfect time and place for everything.

“Whereas the charge leveled at the Victorians was ‘love without sex’, today it is ‘sex without love’. – from David Watson

— Follower of Jesus, Pittsburgh 02/18/2011 Reply
Dear Cat,

I read the letter to the editor from Tim Yakich 'Casual and sad' and couldn’t disagree more with it. But he has a right to his opinion and that is the end of that. Sex per se is one of those things that all must deal with in their lives at some point. From my point of view understanding sex has always been interesting. Once I got beyond age 22 going to watch Go Go Girls dance on a small stage in a local mill bar didnât excite me that much, nor did looking at the latest Playboy Playmate of the month. When the Go Go joints evolved into high end strip clubs, that didnât get me going either, I found them boring.

Channeling surfing the other day I saw Hugh Heffner on CNN with his new bride of 24, he is 84. What a pitiful sight that was. Mr. Heffner has had a great life satisfying his ego, I would have thought he would have grown up decades ago, but that seems not the case. He is still trapped in the 1950s showing or trying to proving he is a master at sexual gratification of a still sexual athlete in his 80s, or is his recent marriage about publicity, again to satisfy his immense ego. He claimed once to be an intellectual and I saw William F. Buckly on his show The Firing Line, make mincemeat out of him and his weak arguments. But as I said he has had a great life and many men, my self included, and perhaps a few women envy him.

Sex for me is more a meeting of the minds than physical aspects. Physicality does matter, but give me a woman with a great or wonderful mature mind who knows herself and that is what cooks for me. And there’s the rub, most people are wired in on the physicality of sex as a kind of sport. This of course is beyond intimate sex which is probably the best kind and most satisfying sex and is perhaps sadly rare. By the way I am 67, married, and my wife and I still have a good sex life, but it is not as often. But thats ok you make adjustments.

I guess what has prompted me to write to you is that I am mystified by those like Mr. Yakich, whose view of sex is well old, i.e. Victorian. If there is a hell I hope Mr. Yakich and Mr. Heffner end up in the same room together, that would be some justice and a great joke on them.

— Frederick R. in Banksville PA 03/01/2011 Reply