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Coworker Can't Mind Her Own Business & When A Relationship Is Going Nowhere
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
DEAR CAT: I have a work problem. Whenever my employer or associate comes to me with questions about the cases Iâm working on, my co-worker, who sits about 5 feet from me, interjects herself into the conversation and answers them. It happens even when someone pages me on the intercom and asks over the phone. I donât do this to her, even if sheâs gone for a weekâs vacation and Iâve worked on her cases. Trouble is, I have all the grace of a water buffalo and Iâm struggling to hold down anger about what I perceive as being disrespectful and rude. Iâm trying hard to find a suitable way to handle this without being tactless. Any suggestions? — STUMPED & SEETHING
DEAR STUMPED: You give water buffalos too little credit â they would have stood their ground by now. Unfortunately some people are seemingly unable to shut their traps even when a conversation doesnât include them. But the key word is âseemingly,â because your coworker is actually quite capable of recognizing the difference between herself and you (i.e. if someone asks you a question, theyâre not asking her). Her bad habit is not only unmannerly, it potentially threatens your professional image. You donât want your boss or colleagues to assume youâll pass the buck when faced with a direct question. Broach this subject with your coworker right away. Do it privately, without losing your cool. If she ever does it again, confront her at that moment, in front of whoever is standing there. But again, be careful to never lose your cool. Catâs Call: Think âwater buffalo.â
DEAR CAT: If youâre dating someone for a few months and you obviously like each other a lot, and you talk frequently, and you always have a good time, but itâs not going anywhere, when is it appropriate to cut your losses and move on? — IMPATIENT LADY
DEAR LADY: I wish youâd included more detail in your story but the âimpatientâ in your self-titled signature is a big clue. Truth is, if you consider a relationship as a loss worth cutting, itâs never too soon to end it. Why date anyone whom you consider to be a waste of time or effort? But assuming you didnât mean it that way and youâre crazy about this person but simply tired of the snail-like pace, talk about it! Itâs perfectly appropriate to have a âwhere is this going?â conversation after months of seeing each other. Just say whatâs on your mind and see where it leads. If your not-so-significant other is happy with the way things are, thatâs your cue to pull back or end it outright. If, however, they express real sentiment, itâs your call whether to give it a chance. Thereâs no rule that says you have to slow down to accommodate someone elseâs pace, but a relationship isnât a race. All in allâ¦.Catâs Call: Donât ask for more just because youâre not getting it.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My call is “Impatient” might be jumping the gun. A few months isn’t very long depending on their age and how often they see each other. I think we get so impatient because there’s the assumption a relationship has a specific timeline but there are no rules here. Like some people date for five years before they get serious and others get married six months after they meet. I agree you should have a talk but you have to be very careful or you’ll scare him away. Been there!
— Kara, Pgh 02/22/2011 Reply
For Stumped, how about walking away from your desk with the person asking the question? Act like you prefer to answer privately. And don’t use speakerphone! (I don’t understand how your coworker would know the subject of a phone conversation otherwise.) As for “Impatient,” it sounds like insecurity to me. She wants to be the one to call it quits first, and starts looking after only a few months.
— Liz, Camp Hill 02/22/2011 Reply
Madame Buffalo,
Take the high road when dealing with your but-insky co-worker. You did not however, mention that this co-worker may have been asked by a supervisor to mentor you. Perhaps the best way to handle the tactless interruptions is to confront the over zealous, albiet well intentioned advice-giver. Calmly but firmly state your interest in the constructive criticism with the caveat that it is unprofessional to second guess in front of a client.
Dear Impatient,
It seems a bit strange that your romantic interest is desirable in every way, except not on your schedule. What is the hurry? Would it take less time to find another suitable mate than to wait for things to progress with the object of your desire? Force the issue any you are likely to be without a date Saturday night.
— Mr. Big 02/22/2011 Reply
“Stumped”, I had a coworker with the same habit and it was super annoying! I never addressed her about it, and instead I know my frustration came out in other ways.
In the end, I know she had good ideas, but all I could hear was her voice. I whole-heartedly agree with Cat’s call — you need to have a conversation with her. I hope it leads to a way for both of you to listen and bring your best to the situation.
— Gazelle, Boston 02/23/2011 Reply
Great advice so far by all for IMPATIENT LADY. Where is a relationship suppose to “go” after “a few months”? Most people cannot date one person enough in that amount of time to really know that person on a deep level. Unless you are one of those crazy desperate people that starts thinking about moving in together and getting married after a month of dating, you should know that nothing scares a normal man away faster than pushing for a committed relationship too soon. I don’t see anything wrong with Cat’s advice about asking him where it’s going, just don’t be so serious and/or uptight about it when you ask the first time. Insecurity destroys potential relationships.
In the words of Phil Collins, “You Can’t Hurry Love”..
— Brian, Pittsburgh 02/23/2011 Reply
I think the advice from Cat is solid, but just to add one point: why do you say ‘cut your losses’…?
Are you giving something up right now? Is your current time with the person you’re with not bringing joy? You indicate that you’re always having a good time with them, so what is it the ‘losses’ that you actually need to cut… shouldn’t your time together right now be enough of a ‘gain’ in itself.
Whatever you choose, and whatever he chooses… i would recommend not souring the significance and beauty of your time together, by putting it into a framework of ‘only’ being a stepping stone to something more ‘serious’. If you want to move ‘forward’, honor it, and maybe he’s in or maybe he’s not… but you create unnecessary resentment, tension, and doubt if you’re viewing this as ‘lost time’.
I would personally suggest not thinking too much about what’s ‘next’, but what’s happening ‘now’… You should listen to yourself and what you want, but you miss out on a lot if you’re not appreciating something great now by focusing more on where it’s going.
— Steel City Jai 02/23/2011 Reply