Columns
Is She Having Another Affair? And 'Making Up' For Lost Time
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
DEAR CAT: Six years ago my wife had an affair. I forgave her but it has never left my mind. She is hot and Iâve always liked that she gets attention from men but I just found out sheâs been texting, meeting for lunch and talking about our problems with a divorced mutual single guy friend of ours (he had an affair and thatâs why he divorced). Heâs a good looking guy and I think theyâre hitting on each other and worst case they are having an affair, albeit intermittent as he lives an hour away. She says itâs just conversation that helps her treat me better. She seems to be working on our relationship but âonce burned,â you know. I look at her texts and check up on her. I don’t like sneaking around but thatâs how I caught her the first time. She recently changed her password so I can’t see her cell phone bills. Am I right in sneaking around checking on her? â TWICE SHY
DEAR TWICE: Iâll never condone prying. I understand why you do it but itâs all for naught because youâre looking to discover things you already know. You have zero trust in your wife, and she has about the same in you. Her behavior is disgusting and itâs bringing out the worst in you. She shouldnât be communicating privately with another man; a single man who shares her history of infidelity. She needs to hang up the phone with her would-be lover and pick up the phone to call a therapist. Then you should go together (or separately) and not give up until your relationship is healedâ¦.Catâs Call: Or over.
DEAR CAT: This is probably a dumb question but here goes. I wear a lot of makeup every day and my question is how to use less (makeup and time) and still look good. It takes at least a half hour to do my makeup before going anywhere. I feel very insecure without it; not ugly, but not attractive. Iâm used to color and I donât want to look plain and boring. I have good skin so thatâs not an issue. My mother taught me, âa woman doesnât go out without her face onâ so I guess thatâs ingrained in me. Whatâs your call on this? â MOMMYâS GIRL
DEAR M.G.: Itâs not a dumb question, and itâs not only about cosmetics. Facing the world with confidence is important and youâre not doing that. A half hour every day? Thatâs a lot of time painting your face. Makeup is fun and useful (for accentuating the good and downplaying problem spots) but if you rely on it for a mask youâre not really facing the world. Iâm sure your mom didnât mean for you to hide your lovely skin and waste countless hours of your life. Okay, the 5 minute face means eyes are lips are key. Luckily mascara and liner last all day, so that’s easy. Fun up your face with lipstick or gloss; you can change it anytime. Avoid foundation to let your great skin show! If you insist on blush, use a soft sweep on the apples and nothing more. I promise you wonât look plain. On the contraryâ¦.Catâs Call: Youâll look like yourself, whatâs better than that?
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Twice Shy,
Like a wise man once said. “If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it’s a duck.” Some people want and need to catch their partner red handed before they can believe it. Why are you still with her if you don’t trust her? Is it because she is hot? I’m with Cat on this one. There is no need for her to be confiding in him about your relationship issues and you sneaking. Let her know how this makes you feel and ask her to stop. If she does not or says she will, but continues sneak around to see him you have your answer.
— Carl Germany 02/23/2010 Reply
I think that couple’s relationship might be broken beyond repair. Once trust is gone, it’s difficult — maybe impossible — to restore it.
If he’s snooping around, he’s only trying to confirm what he already knows.
I’m curious that he would describe his wife as “hot.” That’s sort of a juvenile description — something that you usually use for women who aren’t your wife. Or maybe I’m just a prude.
No comment on that second one, but if you start looking like Kabuki or something, then you’re wearing too much.
— Mike, north of Pittsburgh 02/23/2010 Reply
My call…I agree with the make up advice. As a matter of fact, I didn’t use any makeup except for mascara for years. Now that I am older I use foundation to subdue the red in my face (and with so much red in my face I don’t need a blush). Black mascara is too harsh for my fair complexion so I use blue, which makes my green eyes stand out. Makeup should be an accent to what you have! I have long eyelashes and too much of a natural blush so I play up my lashes and downplay the blush. Accent what you love about your face! I’m sure all Johnny Depp uses is eyeliner!
— Mary, Pittsburgh 02/23/2010 Reply
My call to Twice Shy—-The part about how talking to the other man helps her treat you better is among the oldest excuses in the book. I like Cat’s word “disgusting” because that’s what this situation is. Your wife is manipulating you into wanting her to continue talking to that other man—to convince you that it’s good for YOU. I could punch the monitor reading that. My wife’s ex husband sort of did the same thing to her and beyond the basic wrong of cheating I hate that she was treated with such disrespect for her intellect. You’re every bit correct Cat that “disgusting” is the word. I feel for this guy but something is up with him too when he says she is hot, like it makes any difference. He is insecure (stay with a cheater and what else can you be?) like we’ll understand why he puts up with it because he scored a hot wife. No offense, man to man, a woman who acts like that isn’t hot. Good luck.
— R, nyc 02/23/2010 Reply
Twice Shy,
It’s over. Don’t be afraid to walk away because she is “hot.” If the only way that she can “treat” you better is to be emotional connected to another man, then you do not need her treatment one bit. It’s equivalent to a man saying that he finds his wife attractive only after visiting a gentleman’s club.
She has obviously moved on and so should you.
— West Indya 02/23/2010 Reply
I am not a make up artist but if you’re spending 35 min your make up is not working for you.
you said you felt you turned out blah. My biggest recommendation is that you start using make up that has some shimmer to it, like NARS blush in Orgasm which is a pretty, shimmery peachy pink shade that you can also use as eye shadow.
RED LIPSTICK AND MASCARA HAVE MAGICAL POWERS. i swear they do!
YES YOU CAN wear red lipstick. Just trust me. I’m a fair skinned blue eyed blond. the trick is finding the best red for you. Revlon’s True Red works on just about everyone.
The first time you wear it you’ll feel like everyone is staring at your lips. But wear it a few more times, and you’ll get used to ti and love how it brightens your face and makes your teeth look whiter.
Red’s been around so long its practically a neutral make up shade!
Also—I don’t work for or sell Avon, but Avon makes two great products that will transform your face and are easy to use!
The first is their Magix Face Perfector which is a clear cream/powder for yoru face. I don’t know how it works but it makes your skin look like it’s air brushed. You can wear it alone if you want your skin tone evened out without looking made up, and it’s especially good under foundation in the summer to keep your skin matte.
A rule of thumb: in the winter your skin is so dry you should never do foundation and powder, you’ll look like a geisha. A pretty dewy finish is much better on your skin.
If you want some coverage, I recommend mixing your foundation with a little bit of a fast absorbing moisturizer (Oil of Olay works great, but get the original formula) and smoothing that over yoru skin.
then try a highlighter! a highlighter is a great way to bring out your cheek bones, brighten your eyes, and add some radience to your face without adding any color.
The only place i recommend using pressed powder is over your eye lids. seriously. It helps keep eye shadow from creasing, and will make your eyelashes look huge when you use your mascara.
There is no better mascara than Loreal Voluminous in Carbon Black. i’ve tried them all.
so, in a nutshell:
1. go easy on the foudnation
2. learn to work with shimmer to help light your face up (highlighters, shimmery blush)
3. go for a red lip, and some mascara with a pretty peachy blush on cheeks and eyes like Nars Orgasm.
Oh hell—I should have all the ladies over to my house for a slumber party/make over session! LOL
— Kristen 02/23/2010 Reply
I love your makeup advice Cat. Very astute how makeup can hide your true look. “Kristen” made a few good comments except for NEVER put pressed powder on your eyelids!!!!! It will dry them out so badly. If you are on tv that’s acceptable to reduce shine but otherwise don’t do it. Also, be careful with highlighters/shine because after a few hours they don’t look good. Also L’oreal mascara is ok but it’s not the best (the best ones are expensive, not at drug stores). Sorry Kristen!
— Shannon (Pittsburgh) 02/23/2010 Reply
RE: TWICE SHY
Adultery is marital abandonment not a “flingy” affair.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 02/23/2010 Reply
Cat – love the column; faithful reader here. In an Internet-hookup age when marital infidelity can lead to unwitting HIV infection and death, it’s really not that “disgusting” for spouses to check up on husbands or wives who have cheated in the past. It’s simply self-preservation. Once burned, twice shy — they say. Whether cuckolds should take cheating spouses or partners back in the first place is a whole other issue. But for those who do, the urge to snoop is ever present and — to many who have walked a mile in those uncomfortable shoes — entirely justifiable behavior. Trust has to be carefully rebuilt; it doesn’t come automatically with forgiveness.
— Gary 02/23/2010 Reply
To the comment from Gary—-Cat didn’t say the husband’s behavior was disgusting, she said it about the wife. Good point about unknowingly bringing STDs into the bedroom, that was my first thought.
— vetter, PA 02/23/2010 Reply
Hmmmm. Mommy’s Girl Make-up. I have nooooo idea. What I do know is that a nice smile and pleasant demeaner really does wonders. As for Twice Shy, sounds like you and your wife don’t trust each other and probably aren’t truly too happy as a couple. Also sounds like you (Mr. Shy) are implying that you will put up with a lot because “she is hot” and you like the attention she gets from other men. That’s really confounding; what exactly do you want? You better figure that out before you ask other people what you should do.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 02/23/2010 Reply
Tell that guy to quit being a wimp and kick her to the curb. Having a hot wife is not the only thing in life.
— Formerly of PGH In NC 02/23/2010 Reply
Wonderful advice for Twice Shy – straight-forward, but sensitive. While I was reading it, I thought you were going to tear him up for spying, but you handled that well. I was victimized by spousal infidelity many years ago, and although not proud of it, I also resorted to spying – but only to confirm the infidelity after having very strong indications of the affair from my lovely ex. It wasn’t so much spying as it was gathering evidence for the divorce proceedings.
It’s all so sad, what this guys needs to do is move on, plain and simple. Hard to do, especially since he still seems to have feelings for her. I was in the same boat, and it’s so hard to let go.
Many years later, I’m still negatively effected by the experience. I wish everyone who participates in such frivolous affairs fully realized their full impact to another human being. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced…..
— Ben, Norfolk VA 02/23/2010 Reply
What kind of idiot gives their partner a ‘pass’ the first time they cheat? OMFG, are you shtoopid or what? Forget about how ‘hot’ she is, she’s ‘gone’. And that means not worthy of your concern, since she’s done it before… and she’s doing it again. This isn’t about ‘you’… unless you’re some lame-ass who likes to take it, and take it, and take it. It’s about violating a sacred trust. Grow a pair of brass ones, and use them in the divorce.
— Steve Pittsburgh 02/23/2010 Reply
My call is that Twice Shy needs to worry less about how “hot” his wife is, and pick a woman with character.
— Pam Uniontown 02/23/2010 Reply
Due to seeking brevity, details were left out. Married 21 yrs, 1 kid in college, 1 in HS, own my business, both of us are athletic, and I still love her and yes I think she’s hot and most wives wished their husbands thought the same after this long. My parents were divorced when I was 12 and I really am trying to avoid that for my kids. If I end it, I am going to be sure its not over some thing in my imagination. I was hoping for some comments like these as common sense often goes out the window after this long.
— Twice shy, Pennsylvania 02/25/2010 Reply
Twice Shy – The additional facts you provide don’t really add much to the info you already provided. You still need to figure out what you want. You’ve been married 21 years and have two grown or growing up children; and she cheated on you 6 years ago when you had been married 15 years with two younger children. You still don’t trust her, and you have suspicions (probably justified) that she is cheating on you again with a mutual friend. But you imply that you are wavering on leaving her because you don’t want to put your 2 (essentially grown) children through what you went through as a 12 year old. Sounds like you are rationalizing every way you can so you can stay married to your “hot” wife. Maybe you are comfortable with her and ultimately okay with letting her have an affair as long as you get some too. Like I said before, you need to figure out what you want; again, it seems like all you want is a “hot” wife, and you don’t really care if she cheating or not. And your initial question to CAT was only “Am I right in sneaking around checking on her?” The answer to that question is, it doesn’t seem to matter; so what’s the point in sneaking around. Here’s an idea, if you’re that interested in finding out, why don’t you confront the mutual friend whom you think she is cheating with, but you can approach from the point of view that you don’t really care if they are having an affair because she is sooooooo “hot.” Why don’t you two (or three) become swingers: I heard those things exist.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 02/25/2010 Reply
Twice Shy—that’s a pretty heavy load to lay on your children. I say “to thy self be true.” In the long run, the children will respect you more for not allowing your wife to treat you or them this way. She is disrespecting you, your marriage and, yes, your children too by her cheating ways. How is this REALLY benefiting the kids by you staying with a dishonest and sneaky wife? To thy self be true.
— Mary, Pittsburgh 02/26/2010 Reply
Steve in Pittsburgh has it right, Twice Shy should have hit the road 6 years ago, or at least realized that the only reason to stay together at that point was for the kids. Twice, since you aren’t going to see the cliff until you drive over it, I suggest you sell your wedding ring and hire a private investigator to tail her. That just cracks me up when she says that talking to that guy helps her treat you better. Sure it does, because that’s time that she’s not spending with you being reminded of what a clueless dolt you are. I’m sorry for giving you the truth, sir, but it’s for the best. Do you really think that they are just talking? And if they are, do you believe that’s all the farther it will go? I’d bet she’s cheated more than this time and the time six years ago—these are the two you’ve discovered.
— Jason. Houston. 03/16/2010 Reply