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Should Grief Prevent Her From Attending Baby Shower? And...His Ex-Wife Won't Return Family Heirloom
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
DEAR CAT: My family is hosting a baby shower for my cousin, who is expecting her first child. I know that this is an exciting time in her life but I suffered a miscarriage less than a year ago and I can’t bear the thought of playing baby-themed games or watching her open baby gifts. When I hinted to a family member that I don’t think I want to attend, I was basically told that I can’t ignore babies or showers for the rest of my life because of my loss. I agree with that sentiment to a degree but my loss is still recent enough to warrant my apprehension. I understand âlife goes onâ but I feel like I deserve a pass in attending this one function. I donât want to dishonor the expectant mother but I must be true to myself. So do I go to the shower with a false smile or stay home and protect my feelings? How long should I be allowed to lick my wounds and cope with my loss? — NOT READY YET
DEAR NOT READY: I dare you to find ten people on earth who actually enjoy baby themed games and watching someone (even someone they love) unwrap a breast pump. That said – sit down, this will sound harsh – not everything is about your loss. You are loved by the people in your life and they want you to share their happiness, not just wallow in sadness. By your description, being true to yourself really means you are unable or unwilling to share the joyfulness of others, even for an hour or two. Thatâs understandable, but itâs no way to live. Of course you âget a passâ on this function or any other, but putting on a smile doesnât mean youâre not hurting, and nobody would see it that way. Thereâs no time limit for your grief, but we all have a time limit on life. Catâs Call: Try not to miss yours.
DEAR CAT: My ex-wife ignores her duties as listed in our divorce agreement, which has been final since last May. I donât want this to end up in court, I would just like her to remove her stuff from my condo and return my great grandmother’s wedding band. All I want are the above-mentioned two things. I do not wish to go to court as the expense would be devastating to both of us. What is the best plan of action? â ‘BURGHER IN CALI W/ DIVORCE ISSUES
DEAR BURGHER: Even if cost werenât an issue itâs best to first exhaust friendly, non-legal modes of contact; phone, letters, email. If youâve tried before, it doesnât hurt to try again, but be civil and calm (donât badger her or pound on her door.) One lawyer I consulted had a good idea: extend the olive branch by offering to remove her stuff from your condo in exchange for the ring. If she remains uncooperative, one letter from your lawyer should snap her out of it. I have a hunch if the expense of court would be devastatingâ¦Catâs Call: Sheâll be unwilling to incur it.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
To Not Ready, I had two miscarriages so I know what you’re feeling but I must agree with Cat on this response. Take it from me there is only so long you should focus only on your grief or before too long it will be all there is. Sometimes I think technology allows us to know too much about pregnancy in the early stages because we rearrange our entire lives around it when it’s not a definite outcome. I think many women feel guilty by “giving up” the grief and moving on. But that’s what life is about, sometimes it is painful and sometimes it is wonderful. I’m sorry about your loss. I know you will be okay again. I do think you should try to attend the shower, like Cat said maybe for just an hour. I think it will turn out to make you feel better to buy a gift and get your mind on the future even if it’s not your own pregnancy future.
— Joanne in Dallas 02/08/2011 Reply
Not Ready: I also had multiple miscarriages, one at 22 weeks and I had to deliver the baby. Everyone is different and I’m sorry for your loss but a almost a year of grieving is enough. You have to get out there with family and friends. Like Cat said, it’s not all about you. A year ago it was about you but now it’s about your cousin who should receive your good wishes. Go to the shower, play the silly games and eat cake. You don’t mention fertility problems so I will say it’s OK to look forward to your next pregnancy and imagine yourself in her place sometime in the future. I still think about the babies that I lost but I am grateful for the two that I have. This may sound harsh but it takes joy and strength to become and be a mother – you need to dust yourself off and find some.
— Lee 02/08/2011 Reply
Dear Cat,
Although mourning is a personal issue, having formal limits is very useful.
My mother died a few weeks ago and at the end of shivâa the people who were in the house said âitâs time to get up.â So I did, even if I wasnât ready. It forces you to get your life back, without diminishing your personal feelings.
I have very good friends who lost a son in the navy commando raid in Lebanon thirteen years ago. It was particularly devastating and friends didnât always know how to handle it. Thirty days mourning for a child seemed so insufficient. Two months later, we made a garden reception for my daughter, who had gotten married in the US, and I invited them, including a special phone call. It was their first time out since their son was killed. The mother has often spoken of how bringing them out was a special kindness, which she has always appreciated.
A miscarriage is less than a child â so long as it doesnât not indicate a long-term inability to carry it through. So you may never get over it, but you force yourself to carry on with all aspects of your life. A year is way too long, without even a grave to visit. For many women, itâs enough time to have had another, successful, pregnancy.
— Israel P. (Jerusalem) 02/08/2011 Reply
So what the Hell have you done in your short life that you are such an expert on everything???????????????????????
— Bob W. 02/08/2011 Reply
Dude – this is an advice column. Cat’s doing what advice column writers do – give advice. Get it? If you disagree with her advice, she provides you an opportunity to express your viewpoint with a comment – which you didn’t do, by the way – you chose to simply go on the attack.
I think that you need to chill out before you stroke out…..
— Ben, VA 02/08/2011 Reply
Tick tock, tick tock. I’m waiting to see how people jump on the “if you haven’t had a baby you don’t know what it’s like” bandwagon. That’s what happens when one woman (Cat) advises another woman (Not Ready Yet) about pregnancy. Nevermind that the second woman asked for the advice. I’ll be back when the ignorant comments start rolling in. Tick tock.
— Carigirl, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
“We all have a time limit on life. Try not to miss yours.” I typed those words, then printed them out, and hung them on my fridge door. I’m still thinking about them here at work. That was brilliant. Thank you.
— Catfan in Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
GRRRR if the first question tells us anything it’s that baby showers are not a little bit boring and stupid for everyone not about to have a baby. I’ll say it ladies….baby themed games are stupid stupid stupid. They make you want to claw your own eyes out. Besides they should be called “pregnancy showers” because if it was really about the baby then men would be invited too. Why are they excluded from this practice? Maybe if NOT READY YET’s husband could go with her she wouldn’t be so stressed. How about that idea? Why not take your husband with you for support. Oh noooo, can’t do that. Have to separate men and women…….for what purpose?? I loved Cat’s answer on this one. Very sensitive but also very smart. I had a miscarriage once. It was very hard but I believe it means it wasn’t meant to be that time. I wish the best to NOT READY. I’m off to take my kids to school then go to work in the business my husband and I own TOGETHER.
— SJ in Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
I just read your column online just now and had to respond. Your answer to the woman wanting a pass from attending a baby shower as she has had a miscarriage this year was completely wrong. Obviously you have never had a miscarriage as it was the cold “get over it” attitude people who haven’t experienced one have. A woman who has had a miscarriage especially recently and who is not expecting another baby feels like an utter failure. The pain is raw, and seeing others so happy is quite hard to handle. This woman is obviously grieving her loss of baby and her loss at being a mother. Yes she should get a pass. To put on a happy face for 2 hours is too hard, and it would be better for all if she stayed away from the event. If some see her as being selfish so be it, but better to stay away then start to cry in the middle of it. What you should have said is; yes, stay home. Send the mom to be a nice card with maybe a gift card to Target or Walmart for diapers and wipes, but be honest. If the mom to be has a fit…she is the problem not the woman who had the miscarriage. I pray you never have to go through the he’ll of a miscarriage. There are thousands of woman out there quietly suffering this common problem who are told to get over it. Put it this way, would you tell someone who had a horrible car accident to just get over it?
Thank you for reading.
Sent from my iPod – Please excuse the brevity.
— Lynn S. Garland, Texas 02/08/2011 Reply
Brevity? Lady get a dictionary. THIS is brevity.
— Thom, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
Dear Cat:
I think you usually give pretty good advice, but I was appalled and offended at your advice to ‘Not Ready Yet.’ I could be wrong, but I’m guessing you’re not a parent, have never suffered the loss of a child (born or unborn), or have ever struggled to have a child.
The loss of a much-loved, much-anticipated child, even though miscarriage, can be devastating. While I understand your sentiments of ‘don’t miss life’ and agree with them in principle, in a case like this, I have to say that women like ‘Not Ready Yet’ should be able operate on their own timetable without judgment from anyone else. Only they can know when they are ready to face something like this, and it’s unfair of anyone else to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do, or how long it should take. This woman’s family member was wrong to tell her what she ‘should’ do, and if she truly cared, she would urge ‘Not Ready Yet’ to take whatever time she needs.
I understand that wasn’t your intent and you were trying to be supportive, but in this particular instance, I think you just added to the woman’s feelings of guilt — not something that a grieving person should have to deal with on top of such significant and sorrowful loss.
— a reader 02/08/2011 Reply
And heeeeere they come as we all knew they would. Hey ‘reader’ this woman ASKED for advice (and judgment). Who are you to presume Cat’s or any other woman’s pregnancy/child/miscarriage history??? Argggggh! I can’t stand these people who pass judgment on others and assume all kinds of things just because they don’t say exactly what you think should be said. For all you know Cat has had miscarriages too. You and Lynn from Texas and “Bob W.” can take your holier than thou attitudes and shove it. Sorry for the rant but this kind of thing really ticks me off.
— Carigirl, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
Hi Carigirl: If you read my letter, you’d see that I said “I’m guessing you never suffered….” — not “It’s obvious you’ve never suffered….” I’m not presuming anything, and the only thing I’m passing judgment on is Cat’s advice in this case, which I am free to disagree with. Being someone who has gone through these things, I know very well not to make assumptions about anyone else’s history — hence the use of the word ‘guessing.’
For those who agree with Cat (and not with my reaction): I really appreciate the calmly-stated opposing points of view from those who speak from experience and/or with empathy — your perspectives have given me a lot to think about in terms of this issue. I appreciate comments where people express themselves intelligently, respectfully, and calmly. Respectful discourse —even when we don’t have the same viewpoint — can lead to understanding and broader perspective, and I value both.
— reader 02/08/2011 Reply
Wow! Can we please be nice? Telling people to shove their opinions and attitudes because you don’t agree with them isn’t the way to go.
— Bob 02/08/2011 Reply
First of all, in regards to NOT READY YET, kuddos to Cat for tackling this sensitive subject.
There are FAR worse tragedies in life than a single miscarriage. Some of these women on here who claim to have suffered from a miscarriage are trying to tell us how hard it is, and we “don’t understand”, but I find it hard to believe that an emotionally and mentally stable person will need more than a year to recover from one. Give me a break. It’s amazing, the bubble that some people live in. All the women I know in my life who have had a miscarriage now have at least one healthy child as a result of trying to conceive again. I know it’s not that simple for everybody, but hey that’s life, deal with it instead of bringing other people down. If this woman has 3 healthy children in the future this situation will be insignificant, but her cousin may always feel some kind of resentment for her skipping her baby shower. If the grief is really that bad, maybe NOT READY YET should seek counseling, as this emotional problem might extend beyond the miscarriage.
But hey, I’m a man, what do I know about miscarriages..
— Bryan, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
Well, I’m a man, too, and I disgree with at least part of what Bryan says. So perhaps different people simply have different perspectives. My wife had two miscarriages, and despite the two healthy, wonderful children we have now, I can’t look back and call the miscarriages “insignificant.” They were significant, and our grief was real. Like any emotionally difficult event, that grief process takes time.
All that said, at some point there is a need to stand and battle through the process. That doesn’t mean you forget, or get over it – it means you get through it. And that doesn’t mean you are actually happy every time you put on that happy face. But learning to do that is part of the process. I think Cat gave reasonably good advice, perhaps inelegantly (and as even she admits, a bit harsh sounding).
— a different reader 02/08/2011 Reply
I guess I didn’t mean to say that the painful memory from an abortion is insignificant, but it certainly takes a back seat to the joy of having healthy children thereafter. I just think that some people take their unfortunate life experiences to a selfish level and act like it never happens to anyone else. People should look forward to the good times and cherish them (when it involves loved ones’ lives, too), and not dwell on the bad. There is nothing we can do about the natural order of things, so why beat ourselves up over it?
— Bryan, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
I don’t think that a time limit can be put on mourning and that each person is different. Yes, you need to move on eventually, but only you and you alone will know when you are ready. If you feel that you should be at a certain place emotionally and aren’t there yet, then maybe you should speak to a therapist or someone. You may need help and there is nothing wrong with seeking it.
Take time to heal and listen to your heart. You’ll know what to do. Anyone who doesn’t understand that isn’t being fair.
— JC 02/08/2011 Reply
It’s not always true that “you and you alone will know when you are ready.” Sometimes we don’t know we’re ready for things and we avoid them out of fear. Occassionally you have to face up to things when you have no choice and come to find you are okay with it. Like if NOT READY YET has a job I’m sure she didn’t take off almost a year. During that time what if her coworkers had an in-office baby shower for someone? She’d have to put on a fake smile and sit through at least some of it. I think in a way we have to force ourselves to face some thing just to see if we can. If we can’t that’s okay but NOT assumes she’s not ready, but maybe she is just afraid. It makes sense.
— Angela, Pgh 02/09/2011 Reply
Dear Cat,
Clearly you have not experienced a miscarriage- or you would understand why someone does not want to attend another’s baby shower. It is difficult- and certainly not something anyone should have to do before they are ready. Your advice sucked.
— Jennifer 02/08/2011 Reply
It is extremely ill-mannered and cruel to assume whether Cat herself has experienced a miscarriage. If she has, what would you say to her? Be careful in your assumptions about people. This woman’s family might be saying “it’s been almost a year and she refuses to think about anything else or rejoin the land of the living.” The time honored advice about listening to your elders comes in handy at times like this. Sometimes other people know before we do regarding what we’re ready for. A miscarriage is terribly unfortunate but life does go on and she will miss it if she doesn’t face some obstacles.
— Marie (West End) 02/08/2011 Reply
I’ve been on both sides of this situation. My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. When I became pregnant again nine months later, my neighbor was due a month later. However, at seven months, she went into premature labor and lost the baby. The neighborhood gathered, all of us grieved. But she avoided me, which at the time, we felt was understandable. She didn’t come to the baby shower another friend threw for me..that was understandable, too.
When my son was born, everyone visited, except her. When we went for walks, she would disappear into her house. If I visited another neighbor and she happened to be there, out the door she’d go.
Not Ready Yet…don’t make your cousin feel as if she should apologize for her child. You will always feel the loss of your child, but as Cat said, life does go on. The choice you make here will affect your relationship with your family forever.
— Carole, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
Cat, thank you for publishing the letter regarding miscarriage. So many people avoid the topic and I appreciate that you went at it full thrust. Having said that, I agree with the other comments who have said the advice was off. The pain of miscarriage can be described as feeling like a failure as a woman, or being unable (at least for that time) to do the most basic thing a woman can do. Even so, any grief that a person experiences, whether from miscarriage or otherwise, must be respected and properly healed. Too often people try to rush through it and not allow themselves to heal. Not Ready Yet, please do not attend the shower if you don’t feel you are ready. I guarantee your family will understand. I’ve ducked out of baby showers for far, far less relevant reasons. :)
While I do agree with Cat’s general thought of moving on and enjoying life, this can only be done if grief is healed properly. Not Ready Yet, please heal grief on your own timeframe. You will know when you’re ready to attend showers again. If you yourself feel that your grief has gone on too long, please seek counseling as it is invaluable.
— Rebecca, FL 02/08/2011 Reply
Don’t let anyone force you into going to a baby shower if you are not ready. Yes I agree with Cat that this is not about you it is about your cousin. I had a miscarriage when no one in my family was aware that I was pregnant, my sister-in-law, it turned out was due 3 days before I was supposed to be due. So when she made the announcement, I had to put a smile on and be happy for her and then sulk when I was home. I went to her baby shower because it seemed like the right thing to do (thankfully at the time of the shower I was almost 5 months pregnant again) but even if I wasn’t pregnant I would have went, she was carrying my nephew.
But with all the advice you’re getting, if you’re not ready to go then don’t, sit your cousin down and tell her (I think any pregnant woman would understand…any woman would probably understand). Give her the gift before the shower if you truly cannot bring yourself to go to the shower, take her to lunch, do something special with just her so she doesn’t think you resent her by not going to the shower because she’s pregnant and you’re not.
— K, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
LW1: I’ve experienced a miscarriage, and not only did I attend baby showers afterwards (within the year) I actually attended the wedding of a close friend who was getting married because she was pregnant – six months pregnant on the day of the wedding no less. I remember at the time feeling heavily the unfairness of life, but I wished her well and did indeed get her baby a gift two months later at the shower. I didn’t feel particularly happy about my own life that year, but I tried not to project my unhappiness on to her.
In my experience, thinking of others is the best way to overcome personal loss. It shows the world what you are made of and refects a strong character.
btw – I’m sure LW’s cousin’s life is not a bed of roses every day of the year. The tables may be turned some day and LW may want her cousin to attend a function she doesn’t feel up to…
— Paula PA 02/08/2011 Reply
To Not Ready: I am sorry for your loss, but a year is more than long enough. I don’t mean to be harsh, but life does go on. You have to stop dwelling on the past and move on. I’ve had two miscarriages myself and many women I know have had more than that, yet go on to have healthy children. The fact is that many more pregnancies end in miscarriage than not. Do not let this take away from the joy you have in other areas of your life, and don’t let this put you off from trying to conceive again.
Cat is right. The world does not revolve around you—do you really think you are the only woman ever to go through this?. Do you really begrudge your cousin her good fortune while you wallow in self-pity? Again, I don’t mean to be harsh, but you are being selfish and self-centered. As someone else said, a year ago it was about you. And now it isn’t.
How is your husband taking this? Does he want to try again? I’d think that his wishes here are just as important as your own?
If this persists for any longer, I’d suggest you speak to a priest or a counselor.
— Katie, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
She never claimed to be the only woman to have this happen. She isn’t wallowing in self-pity. She’s trying to get through one of the toughest things that can happen to a woman. Her pain is real and it is about her.
You say you don’t mean to be harsh, but that’s exactly what you are.
— Tammy 02/08/2011 Reply
Tammy, you’re missing the point. She has been trying to get though it for a YEAR. She is obviously here for advice, and some of that advice is going to be harsh whether you like it or not. Sometimes people need to hear things that aren’t pleasant to grow as a person. Get off your high horse and add something worthwhile to the conversation.
— Bryan, Pittsburgh 02/08/2011 Reply
“Get off your high horse and add something worthwhile to the conversation.”
Classy, dude. Because someone has an opinion that differs from yours, you feel he/she isn’t adding anything to the conversation. Well, let those of us who think that some of these comments are harsh just back away from the subject since we aren’t worthy.
— Sue 02/09/2011 Reply
I can’t believe how much issue people are taking with Cat’s very sensitive advice. What I’m about to write will definitely sound harsh but here it is: having a miscarriage is not the end of the world. Women have them all the time and sometimes confuse it with getting their period. There is good reason why you’re not supposed to talk about a pregnancy until the third month at least — it’s because often they don’t take. Yes there will be a sense of loss but miscarriage is not like grieving the loss of a parent, spouse, a child you've already started to raise, or another loved one. Basically, someone who has been in your life and shared experiences with you. Months and months of grief is more than enough. I read people saying Cat has obviously not had a miscarriage but that’s a horrible and dismissive thing to say. 1) you don’t know that for a fact. 2) If so, so what? She is an advice giver who was asked for her answer on this matter and she gave it. I applaud her and everyone else for not tiptoeing around this issue.
— Barb in PA 02/08/2011 Reply
The fact of the matter is that she lost a CHILD. She is grieving and she is entitled to take as much time to do that as she feels appropriate.
I suggest to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child through a miscarriage and would like to grieve and get closure, visit www.rachelsvineyard.org.
There are COMPASSIONATE people there who can help.
— Kate OH 02/08/2011 Reply
You were SO off base with this advice. First, her sister more than likely is aware of the sensitive nature of the whole situation and wouldn’t it be nice if the sister stepped up and said “I know what a hard thing this is for you and if you do not feel like you can attend I will understand”. Beyond that, the other sister should take her sister aside and tell her how very much she loves her and how happy she is for her but that she just doesn’t feel able to attend the shower. I am sure the sister would understand. As for the situation itself-how dare you dictate to anyone how long they should grieve for. That was the height of insensitivity!!!
— HK in PA 02/08/2011 Reply
Maybe I’m missing something because I’m confused by the negative comments here. This woman asked for advice, Cat gave it to her. She asked how much time she’s allowed to grieve, Cat told her there is no time limit. She said she derserves a pass on this function, Cat said of course you get a pass on this function. She said I want to be true to myself, Cat said here’s what that means. Can someone please explain what the big deal here is? I thought this advice was really good. I liked the Call at the end too, it was touching.
— Angela - Point Breeze 02/09/2011 Reply
I’ve been on both ends.
A friend had a miscarriage just at the time that I found out that I was pregnant with #2. I didn’t tell her, and I didn’t see her for a several weeks – then when I was 4 months pregnant she was at a mutual friends house. I was wearing maternity. I felt badly. I took her aside, and told her that I was sorry that she was finding out about my pregnancy this way. She said the most profound words: Please … my loss has no impact on my happiness for you.
Several years later, I lost a pregnancy at 14 weeks. It was crushingly painful. Yet, my friend’s words saved me from turning others’ joy into some weird, distorted reflection of my loss. Yes, I continued to go to showers and make meals for new mothers. My OB told me the best thing: a good pregnancy is almost impossible dislodge (women have jumped off bridges and their babies have survived), a bad pregnancy is impossible to keep (it’s nature’s way of protecting us from disastrous problems with the baby).
What was most painful? It was when I found out that a friend also had a miscarriage. Misery definitely does not like company.
Now – so many years later, a young mom came to me. She had just lost her second pregnancy. We talked. She told me that my words somehow brought her comfort.
I hope the writer is able to re-frame her miscarriage into something that is immeasurably sad, but not a tragedy. A miscarriage is nature’s way of protecting you. It is crushing to lose the hopes and dreams that you had for the perfect baby that you thought that you were carrying – but this, too, is okay. Try to separate your disappointment from your actual loss, and try not to use others’ joy as a prism to look at your loss.
The loss never goes away – and I cried (after 20 years) when I heard that this young mom had a miscarriage, but don’t let it define your relationships with others.
I think Cat’s call was totally on base. Good luck to you.
— sad 02/09/2011 Reply
I agree with Cat that life is short. Too short to waste doing things that are very uncomfortable with little reward or blessing. Showers are superfluous. I’ve never had a miscarriage and I avoid them at all costs! But I do take joy in the birth of friend’s babies- just on a more personal level.
I think NRY should do something that will help celebrate the birth of her cousin’s child- sitting through a baby shower doesn’t have to be it.
And the tension could be avoided by simply RSVPing that you can’t attend. NO one needs to know why.
— Cora, Pgh 02/09/2011 Reply
She can’t bear watching her cousin open baby gifts. Something about this smells of jealousy. You’d be really jealous if you had a miscarriage and someone else is being celebrated for their healthy pregnancy. Jealousy is part of this but nobody wants to say it. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s normal.
— wisewords 02/09/2011 Reply
Dear NOT READY YET: Your name says it all. And here are the words you need to hear: You are perfectly justified in not attending the baby shower and enduring pain. It makes perfect sense that you feel this way, and I think you would be crazy to attend the shower. Perhaps the next shower you are invited to will not feel like a painful event for you, and you can go. It will happen eventually. But until it does, don’t torture yourself. What some folks aren’t understanding is that you probably haven’t withdrawn from life in general. If you have, then counseling is definitely in order – and no shame in that. As for a baby shower, no way would I do that in your shoes. There is a special pain in losing a baby/child, be it via miscarriage, infertility or death, and those of us who have had that experience understand – you are not alone, nor are you overly-sensitive. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Send something nice to the Mom with a sweet card, no explanation necessary. She will not miss you at the event with everything that is going on, but I’m sure she wouldn’t want to torture you. Take care of yourself, girl.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 02/14/2011 Reply