Columns

Freaking Out About Valentine's Day & A Gift That Reeks Of Taste

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

DEAR CAT: The guy I’m dating hasn’t yet asked me for Valentine’s Day plans. Things are going great but we only talk a couple times a week and I’m wondering what to say if he does ask me at this point. Would it mean he tried to make other plans but they fell through? Will I look like I couldn’t get another date if I say yes? It’s hard to know how to handle this because if he doesn’t ask me to get together I’ll be really disappointed (and assume he’s getting together with someone else) but if he does ask me I’ll be excited but feel pressure to not show it, so he doesn’t get scared off. Please help me get a little perspective here! — TRYING TO GET A GRIP

DEAR GRIP: Cool your jets and take a breath. Whether Valentine’s Day is ultra romantic, exciting or casual, above all it should be fun and you’re taking all the fun out of it! In a casual relationship it’s not unusual for to make plans only a few days before the holiday. Is that frustrating? Yes, but very common. Some guys worry that making V-Day plans will send a “love” message instead of a “let’s have fun” message. If or when he asks you for plans, it’s okay to be openly happy. Don’t scream and freak out but a nice, “yes, I’d love to have to dinner with you,” is definitely warranted. If he’s a gentleman he will ask you at least a few days beforehand. If he is ungentlemanly enough to wait until Valentine’s Day itself.…Cat’s Call: Tell him you already have plans.

DEAR CAT: Imagine this…Someone close to you (not a relative) gives you a very expensive leather purse as a gift. You open it and gasp. Not because it’s so beautiful but because the smell of the leather has literally taken you’re breath away. I do love the purse but I’m allergic to the smell of leather. I can’t keep this, the smell will permeate the whole house. I am in daily contact with her and how do I respond when she asks why I am not using it? When someone gives you an expensive gift, can you simply say, “I love it,” and throw it in the Goodwill box? I say tell the truth. My husband says be gracious, say “thank you, I love it,” then throw it away. Your call? — I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT NOT

DEAR LOVE: Your response to smelly leather mirrors my reaction to fennel, yet I’ve smiled through many fennel-laden meals. No matter how expensive the gift, you should always be appreciative and say how much you love it. As for what you do with the gift, that’s up to you. The smell might be noxious to you but someone else might not even notice. Don’t toss it in the trash because there is always someone who can use it (hence your Goodwill idea). If she asks, don’t bother with the truth because she’ll feel terrible. Just say you’ve enjoyed using it and the subject will disappear. Honesty is great but in this case….Cat’s Call: You’d honestly hurt her feelings.

What’s your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Cat’s Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.

  1. GET A GRIP should follow your “if he waits until valentines day to ask you out” advice right now and make other plans. Either she is young (sounds like it) or the relationship is too casual for her to rely on him. If he does ask her out I hope she doesn’t think it means “I love you.” Maybe he does love her but she shouldn’t assume it.

    — Tom nyc    02/09/2010    Reply

  2. I used to think Valentine’s Day was a forced sentimental marketing ploy until I met my wife. I know it is a marketing boon but there is a nice quality to it, the holiday not the marketers shoving it down your throat. I think Cat is right that it should be a fun holiday and doesn’t have to be something more. In college single people used to call it Black ___Day (depends on which day of the week it falls on). After I met my wife I loved Valentine’s Day. I put more into it than she does!

    — Jack S. PA    02/09/2010    Reply

  3. LOL – Get a grip has to take a clue from her own self appointed name; she needs to “get a grip.” Cat, your advice to her was pretty good, until I think it became a war of wills thing about him perhaps calling until the last minute, at which point you suggest she tell him she already has plans. I agree, that he shouldn’t wait until the last minute, but here’s my point. Grip is entitled to call him up and ask him if he wants to do something for Valentine’s Day; he might even appreciate it if she makes the first call; I think she should call him and invite him out on a date: his treat, of course :-) .

    As for LOVE, come on! It sounds like the purse was a great gift. So you’re allergic to it – tell your friend you love it, but you are unfortunately, devistatingly allergic to it. Give it back to her and tell her how horrible you feel about your allegy; make the gift giver understand that.

    — Carm in Pittsburgh    02/09/2010    Reply

  4. I have to disagree with your advice to the woman who received the bag. If she is that close to this person, and the bag was expensive, the person would be hurt that she did not tell her the truth about the smell of leather making her ill. She will wonder why her friend never carries the bag and she will think that she doesn’t like it! Better to thank her effusively and say “sweetie, I am so sorry, but when you gave me this bag I didn’t know how to say that the smell of leather actually gives me a terrible headache. I don’t want you to think I didn’t appreciate your generosity when you saw me not carrying it and I couldn’t bear to give it away, so please find someone else you love who would appreciate it for the beautiful bag that it is!”

    — Marcy, Pittsburgh    02/09/2010    Reply

  5. I disagree with the last two commenters about the purse gift, there is no reason to tell your friend how awful the purse smells! Who would do that? Even if you say it nicely her friend will feel terrible. And the gift giver should not be checking on how often her friend carries the purse. You should never ask someone why they’re not using your gift – tactless anyone!? I think the real point is that an expensive purse should not smell so much! One time a friend gave me a silk sweater and it smelled horrible. I never even wore it once then after a while I threw it away. She assumed I loved it and the subject never came up again.

    — Sarah, Pgh    02/09/2010    Reply

  6. If he’s smart he won’t give her a chance to make other Valentine’s Day plans.

    — John, LA    02/09/2010    Reply

  7. Say thank you for the gift, but please know that I am allergic to leather. Lying and pussyfooting around the topic only creates tension.

    — Beth Pittsburgh    02/09/2010    Reply

  8. Leather Purse: Why not simply explain your allergy to your friend? It might be fun for the both of you to go shopping and pick out a different purse together. Or, return the purse and use the money for the both of you to go out to dinner (something you both can enjoy together). If she’s a good enough friend to buy you an expensive purse, then she’s a good enough friend to be upfront with. Big Picture: unless you’re certain the other person will love it, DON’T buy an expensive gift. Everyone has their own taste. Respect that.

    — Deb, Silicon Valley    02/09/2010    Reply

  9. I totally disagree with your answer to not tell the truth. The woman is allergic to leather. So what???? How could that possibly hurt the giver’s feelings? That’s crazy! If she tells the giver the truth, the person may offer to take it back and give the woman money or they could come up with some other solution, but to be dishonest is soooooo childish.

    — Holly    02/09/2010    Reply

  10. I’ve written to you before as I always read your column. It’s a MUST on Tuesdays.

    In this case, I do agree and disagree with what you wrote back to her regarding the leather wallet. This person obviously went out, put some thought in the gift and wanted to give her something nice. There are times in your life where you HAVE to be honest. Let’s say, next year she gets her a leather belt. What do you do? Give that away as well???? Now if it’s a gift that she truly doesn’t like but she’s not allergic to it, yes, that’s when you tell the necessary white lie. If I receive an outfit I don’t like, I’ll wear it once in front of the person, and then give it away. Use it once then give it away to show the person that you do appreciate the thought.

    But in this case, maybe the person who bought the gift, maybe she could take it back and buy her something that she isn’t allergic to. This is why giftcards are always safe bets! You leave it in the person’s hands to get themselves something they truly want and need. But if you are allergic to something, you should be honest and be appreciative and say something like ‘I love the wallet, I really do. But I am allergic to leather. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings because I do like it. But I don’t want to disrespect you by not telling you the truth. You went out of your way and bought me something nice and I don’t want to NOT use it.’ Then it’s up to the person to either be an adult, either bring it back and get her something else or use it herself. But like I said earlier, what if next year she again buys her something that is leather???

    Just my two sense worth.

    — Kim    02/09/2010    Reply

  11. About the purse question….To the commenter Holly: Nobody wants to know that a present they gave can’t be used or that it hurts or offends the receiver in any way. Cat didn’t tell her to outright “lie” she told her to be courteous. Even if the recipient is allergic, who wants to hear that? Especially after spending a lot of money on it! If you give someone a sweater do you constantly check to see that they’re wearing it? If the sweater is too itchy they can exchange it or give it to charity, no big deal. It’s just a gift you shouldn’t make a big deal. Say thank you, I love it and move on. About the Valentine’s Day question…..don’t worry too much, if he asks you great, if not his loss. It’s obvious you really like him and I hope he asks you for a nice date :)

    — LisaJ. New York    02/09/2010    Reply

  12. What year is it? Is it 1910 or 2010? Why can’t/won’t Trying To Get A Grip make the Valentine’s Day plans and ask her boyfriend out?

    — John, Lexington KY    02/09/2010    Reply

  13. John from Lexington, you make a point. However if he’s any kind of a man he won’t leave her hanging. 1910 or 2010 a lady shouldn’t have to ask a man for dates.

    — TJ    02/11/2010    Reply

  14. TJ…I certainly don’t mean any offense, but what an archaic comment. In this day and age, why should women expect men to do all the asking. I asked my boyfriend out first…and he was very happy I did. We’ve been dating for over a year now. I’m very independent. I’v been told that that is intimidating to a lot of men. Also, a lot of men assume that an independent woman is already dating someone. Understanding this, I was the first to ask many times and most often than not, the guy was glad I did.

    — Mary, Pittsburgh    02/12/2010    Reply

  15. Wondering if Grip went out for Valentine’s day with the guy she wrote about? We need the people asking for advice to start following up after Cat’s advice is given.

    — jason    02/15/2010    Reply

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