Columns
Freaking Out About Valentine's Day & A Gift That Reeks Of Taste
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
DEAR CAT: The guy Iâm dating hasnât yet asked me for Valentineâs Day plans. Things are going great but we only talk a couple times a week and Iâm wondering what to say if he does ask me at this point. Would it mean he tried to make other plans but they fell through? Will I look like I couldnât get another date if I say yes? Itâs hard to know how to handle this because if he doesnât ask me to get together Iâll be really disappointed (and assume heâs getting together with someone else) but if he does ask me Iâll be excited but feel pressure to not show it, so he doesnât get scared off. Please help me get a little perspective here! — TRYING TO GET A GRIP
DEAR GRIP: Cool your jets and take a breath. Whether Valentineâs Day is ultra romantic, exciting or casual, above all it should be fun and youâre taking all the fun out of it! In a casual relationship itâs not unusual for to make plans only a few days before the holiday. Is that frustrating? Yes, but very common. Some guys worry that making V-Day plans will send a âloveâ message instead of a âletâs have funâ message. If or when he asks you for plans, itâs okay to be openly happy. Donât scream and freak out but a nice, âyes, Iâd love to have to dinner with you,â is definitely warranted. If heâs a gentleman he will ask you at least a few days beforehand. If he is ungentlemanly enough to wait until Valentineâs Day itself.â¦Catâs Call: Tell him you already have plans.
DEAR CAT: Imagine thisâ¦Someone close to you (not a relative) gives you a very expensive leather purse as a gift. You open it and gasp. Not because itâs so beautiful but because the smell of the leather has literally taken you’re breath away. I do love the purse but I’m allergic to the smell of leather. I can’t keep this, the smell will permeate the whole house. I am in daily contact with her and how do I respond when she asks why I am not using it? When someone gives you an expensive gift, can you simply say, âI love it,â and throw it in the Goodwill box? I say tell the truth. My husband says be gracious, say âthank you, I love it,â then throw it away. Your call? — I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT NOT
DEAR LOVE: Your response to smelly leather mirrors my reaction to fennel, yet Iâve smiled through many fennel-laden meals. No matter how expensive the gift, you should always be appreciative and say how much you love it. As for what you do with the gift, thatâs up to you. The smell might be noxious to you but someone else might not even notice. Donât toss it in the trash because there is always someone who can use it (hence your Goodwill idea). If she asks, donât bother with the truth because sheâll feel terrible. Just say youâve enjoyed using it and the subject will disappear. Honesty is great but in this caseâ¦.Catâs Call: Youâd honestly hurt her feelings.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
GET A GRIP should follow your “if he waits until valentines day to ask you out” advice right now and make other plans. Either she is young (sounds like it) or the relationship is too casual for her to rely on him. If he does ask her out I hope she doesn’t think it means “I love you.” Maybe he does love her but she shouldn’t assume it.
— Tom nyc 02/09/2010 Reply
I used to think Valentine’s Day was a forced sentimental marketing ploy until I met my wife. I know it is a marketing boon but there is a nice quality to it, the holiday not the marketers shoving it down your throat. I think Cat is right that it should be a fun holiday and doesn’t have to be something more. In college single people used to call it Black ___Day (depends on which day of the week it falls on). After I met my wife I loved Valentine’s Day. I put more into it than she does!
— Jack S. PA 02/09/2010 Reply
LOL – Get a grip has to take a clue from her own self appointed name; she needs to “get a grip.” Cat, your advice to her was pretty good, until I think it became a war of wills thing about him perhaps calling until the last minute, at which point you suggest she tell him she already has plans. I agree, that he shouldn’t wait until the last minute, but here’s my point. Grip is entitled to call him up and ask him if he wants to do something for Valentine’s Day; he might even appreciate it if she makes the first call; I think she should call him and invite him out on a date: his treat, of course :-) .
As for LOVE, come on! It sounds like the purse was a great gift. So you’re allergic to it – tell your friend you love it, but you are unfortunately, devistatingly allergic to it. Give it back to her and tell her how horrible you feel about your allegy; make the gift giver understand that.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 02/09/2010 Reply
I have to disagree with your advice to the woman who received the bag. If she is that close to this person, and the bag was expensive, the person would be hurt that she did not tell her the truth about the smell of leather making her ill. She will wonder why her friend never carries the bag and she will think that she doesn’t like it! Better to thank her effusively and say “sweetie, I am so sorry, but when you gave me this bag I didn’t know how to say that the smell of leather actually gives me a terrible headache. I don’t want you to think I didn’t appreciate your generosity when you saw me not carrying it and I couldn’t bear to give it away, so please find someone else you love who would appreciate it for the beautiful bag that it is!”
— Marcy, Pittsburgh 02/09/2010 Reply
I disagree with the last two commenters about the purse gift, there is no reason to tell your friend how awful the purse smells! Who would do that? Even if you say it nicely her friend will feel terrible. And the gift giver should not be checking on how often her friend carries the purse. You should never ask someone why they’re not using your gift – tactless anyone!? I think the real point is that an expensive purse should not smell so much! One time a friend gave me a silk sweater and it smelled horrible. I never even wore it once then after a while I threw it away. She assumed I loved it and the subject never came up again.
— Sarah, Pgh 02/09/2010 Reply
If he’s smart he won’t give her a chance to make other Valentine’s Day plans.
— John, LA 02/09/2010 Reply
Say thank you for the gift, but please know that I am allergic to leather. Lying and pussyfooting around the topic only creates tension.
— Beth Pittsburgh 02/09/2010 Reply
Leather Purse: Why not simply explain your allergy to your friend? It might be fun for the both of you to go shopping and pick out a different purse together. Or, return the purse and use the money for the both of you to go out to dinner (something you both can enjoy together). If she’s a good enough friend to buy you an expensive purse, then she’s a good enough friend to be upfront with. Big Picture: unless you’re certain the other person will love it, DON’T buy an expensive gift. Everyone has their own taste. Respect that.
— Deb, Silicon Valley 02/09/2010 Reply
I totally disagree with your answer to not tell the truth. The woman is allergic to leather. So what???? How could that possibly hurt the giverâs feelings? Thatâs crazy! If she tells the giver the truth, the person may offer to take it back and give the woman money or they could come up with some other solution, but to be dishonest is soooooo childish.
— Holly 02/09/2010 Reply
Iâve written to you before as I always read your column. Itâs a MUST on Tuesdays.
In this case, I do agree and disagree with what you wrote back to her regarding the leather wallet. This person obviously went out, put some thought in the gift and wanted to give her something nice. There are times in your life where you HAVE to be honest. Letâs say, next year she gets her a leather belt. What do you do? Give that away as well???? Now if itâs a gift that she truly doesnât like but sheâs not allergic to it, yes, thatâs when you tell the necessary white lie. If I receive an outfit I donât like, Iâll wear it once in front of the person, and then give it away. Use it once then give it away to show the person that you do appreciate the thought.
But in this case, maybe the person who bought the gift, maybe she could take it back and buy her something that she isnât allergic to. This is why giftcards are always safe bets! You leave it in the personâs hands to get themselves something they truly want and need. But if you are allergic to something, you should be honest and be appreciative and say something like âI love the wallet, I really do. But I am allergic to leather. I didnât want to hurt your feelings because I do like it. But I donât want to disrespect you by not telling you the truth. You went out of your way and bought me something nice and I donât want to NOT use it.â Then itâs up to the person to either be an adult, either bring it back and get her something else or use it herself. But like I said earlier, what if next year she again buys her something that is leather???
Just my two sense worth.
— Kim 02/09/2010 Reply
About the purse question….To the commenter Holly: Nobody wants to know that a present they gave can’t be used or that it hurts or offends the receiver in any way. Cat didn’t tell her to outright “lie” she told her to be courteous. Even if the recipient is allergic, who wants to hear that? Especially after spending a lot of money on it! If you give someone a sweater do you constantly check to see that they’re wearing it? If the sweater is too itchy they can exchange it or give it to charity, no big deal. It’s just a gift you shouldn’t make a big deal. Say thank you, I love it and move on. About the Valentine’s Day question…..don’t worry too much, if he asks you great, if not his loss. It’s obvious you really like him and I hope he asks you for a nice date :)
— LisaJ. New York 02/09/2010 Reply
What year is it? Is it 1910 or 2010? Why can’t/won’t Trying To Get A Grip make the Valentine’s Day plans and ask her boyfriend out?
— John, Lexington KY 02/09/2010 Reply
John from Lexington, you make a point. However if he’s any kind of a man he won’t leave her hanging. 1910 or 2010 a lady shouldn’t have to ask a man for dates.
— TJ 02/11/2010 Reply
TJ…I certainly don’t mean any offense, but what an archaic comment. In this day and age, why should women expect men to do all the asking. I asked my boyfriend out first…and he was very happy I did. We’ve been dating for over a year now. I’m very independent. I’v been told that that is intimidating to a lot of men. Also, a lot of men assume that an independent woman is already dating someone. Understanding this, I was the first to ask many times and most often than not, the guy was glad I did.
— Mary, Pittsburgh 02/12/2010 Reply
Wondering if Grip went out for Valentine’s day with the guy she wrote about? We need the people asking for advice to start following up after Cat’s advice is given.
— jason 02/15/2010 Reply