Columns
A 'Trivial' Reaction To A Wrong Answer & Family Friend Is Not The Best Man For The Job
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
DEAR CAT: During a couples game of Trivial Pursuit my very good friend from work erupted because he felt he answered a question correctly, but he was wrong. His reaction was so extreme that at first my girlfriend and I thought he was joking, but he wasnât remotely kidding. It was so heated for that I wouldnât continue playing with him seething. Now heâs stopped talking to us where we all work. His behavior over an incorrect trivia answer is peculiar beyond comprehension. He and his fiancée are getting married this summer and we still expect to get an invitation because his fiancée has no beef with us. In fact she sat there stunned during the incident, apologizing to my girlfriend via text as he and I debated the wrong answer. I found it odd that she didnât âtalk him downâ and tell him how absurd he was being during the game, but how would you approach this? And would you decline the wedding or be the better person and support their marriage? By the way, the question wasnât even for a wedge! â TRULY TRIVIAL
DEAR TRIVIAL: I agree his reaction was peculiar; both his tantrum during the game and his silent treatment afterward. Obviously heâs ultra-sensitive about challenges to his intelligence but thatâs his burden to bear, so donât coddle him. Yes, you should attend the wedding regardless of this incident because you have no problem with his fiancée and sheâll need your support when he freaks out on the caterer. Speaking of his fiancée, itâs not surprising she was quiet during his tirade; she fears the wrath of his temper. But donât coddle her either â she wasnât stunned to see his temper, she was embarrassed you saw it. As for now, do absolutely nothing. Catâs Call: The more distance you get from his bruised ego, the better.
DEAR CAT: We hired a family friend to do work in our house. Heâs a nice man who does good work but I didnât want to hire him because heâs unreliable (my parents hired him to redo their basement and he disappeared in the middle of the job only to show up weeks later and finish it). Heâs already doing his disappearing act with our dining room half torn apart. He hasnât returned my husbandâs calls and I know heâs just doing other jobs and will show up again with a smile and no excuse, but my husband wants to hire someone else. We have no contract or anything but Iâd feel bad and I donât want to burn a bridge here. Your call? — DINING ALFRESCO
DEAR DINING: Youâre worried about burning a bridge with a man who made a mess of your home, took off mid-project, and ignores your calls? Follow your husbandâs advice and call another worker ASAP. When your so-called friend reappears, tell him you assumed he walked off the job, pay him for whatever work he completed, then wish him well. This wasnât a hobby project, it was a real job, paying real money. If he didnât appreciate that fact beforeâ¦Catâs Call: He will now.
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
New PA law: any person doing contracting work MUST have a signed contract. They should also have a contractor’s license. As an added precaution, take the time to look the contractor’s name up on the Magistrate Court’s website. You could be letting someone with a criminal conviction into your home or business. Do you want to take that chance even tho his work is “good”?
— Mary Indiana County 03/01/2011 Reply
We had a family friend who was a lot like DINING’s handyman. He’d land a job and get the ‘half down’ deposit check, buy some materials and start the job. Then another job would come his way, and in order to get his hands on that check, he’d disappear from the first job and start the process on the second. Every customer he ever had said that he did nice work, but that chasing him to finish was infuriating.
— M. in Verona 03/01/2011 Reply
I doubt I’d believe the Trivial Pursuit scenario if I didn’t experience the same thing a few years ago. My girlfriend and I were playing some kind of word-answer game at a party and a couple had the same reaction. The woman got an answer wrong and her boyfriend jumped to her defense. He was defending her answer (which was completely wrong) so aggressively that it ruined the game, this was after they called us all idiots. Those kinds of people are out there and they are a**holes. My Call: Don’t talk to him, and when you get the invitation RSVP “no chance loser, but here’s a nice pair of candlesticks.”
— Charlie--- NYC 03/01/2011 Reply
I just wanted to add something aobut the couple who hired a family friend to do a job. Unfortunately this is the way most private contractors work. First they secure the job then they start it pretty quickly and get enough done so you are pretty much stuck with him then moves on to work on another job. This is especially true with one man bands. It’s not very professional but in these small handyman businesses it’s all about the money and more jobs mean more money in the end. Sometimes you can’t even find anyone to do small jobs as they feel they can’t make enough money on the job. A small business contractor who can put people above money will stay ahead of 90% of the competition. They will be recommended time and time again. It’s smart business. Those who have become wealthy and have started small already know this. The ones who just see dollar signs in front of their eyes will probably continue to see them just in front of their eyes and not in their pockets. There’s No Business like People Business.
— Charles S. Pittsburgh 03/01/2011 Reply
I agree Cat! Particuarly with not coddling the girlfriend because maybe I’m jumping to conclusions but it’s very telling that the fiancee “apologized via text” during the screaming match. She should have stood up and said “honey calm down, it’s just a game” but she was hiding her apology. I guess I would go to the wedding but I wouldn’t feel good about it knowing the finacee is probably making a big mistake marrying someone like that.
— Kathy in Pgh 03/01/2011 Reply
Cat’s right: she does fear the wrath of his temper.
And, if she doesn’t change her mind about this wedding, she’ll spend the rest of her life fearing his temper and trying to cover up his rage.
His behavior is NOT your responsibility. You deserve so much better.
— D, IN 03/01/2011 Reply
That makes perfect sense, and I think you’re right. I hope she’s reading this….
— Ben, VA 03/01/2011 Reply
I fear some trips to the emergency room are in the fiancee’s future. As someone who lost a friend to domestic violence and has had other friends abused, I sense there is abuse in this relationship.
— Duane, Pittsburgh 03/01/2011 Reply
Cat, I dissagree with you on how to respond to this situation. This man is a mental abuser and his fiancee is headed for trouble and misery if it continues. If I were this friend from work, I would give this couple a very wide berth and have nothing to do with either of them. He is an abuser and his fiancee is allowing him to exhibit this behavior with her silence on the matter. I would drop both of them as friends and just be co-workers and acquaintances. If he, or the fiancee ask why, I would be very candid about the reason with no apologies – ‘your behavior was extreme and made me uncomfortable’. Someone who blows up at a simple game and has no compunction about his behavior is not someone who should be rewarded with a blind eye to it. The burden is on him to control himself and be civil, not on his ‘friends’ to passively support it. You can’t change people, but if they see that their behavior has unrewarding and unhappy consequences, maybe, and this is a big maybe, they won’t behave that way. Your reaction to this situation may be the light bulb in this dimwits head.
— misshascie 03/01/2011 Reply
I agree this guy is probably abusive though to be fair we don’t actually know all the details of this situation. Yes on its own his behavior is ridiculous but the writer also says this is his “good friend” and he was shocked at his tirade, maybe it came out of the blue for a specific reason. But I’m confused how can you say you disagree with Cat’s advice when it’s the exact same thing you’re telling them to do? She said he should do nothing and get as much distance as possible. You say “just be coworkers and acquaintances.” What’s the difference?
— Tak, Columbus OH 03/01/2011 Reply
Hey Tak….Perhaps, not a lot of difference… But, in reading her reply, I got the idea that Cat would just kinda ignore it, let it slide. I would not. I would not confront the guy about it, there’s nothing to be gained in that. I would, however, make sure he knew by my interaction with him at work, or more pointedly, my lack thereof, that I don’t care to be around someone who can explode like that and then have the self righteous nerve to treat me badly afterwards. Uh-uh. I have been mentally and verbally abused, so maybe I am overly sensitive to this issue. That his fiancee was cowed into silence, is a whole other bothersome thing. She may be young, inexperienced, too timid, or used to abuse. I don’t know. She apologised for him, and that said a whole lot about her self respect and inner strength. I really hope this was an anomally on his part, but I don’t think so, given his continued silent treatment at work. I do hope the fiancee gets out of this relationship fast and as unscathed as possible. He’s no kind of man to marry with that kind of temper. D and Duanne were right.
— misshascie 03/01/2011 Reply
I’m very sorry to hear about your bad experiences. If that made you overly sensitive, who knows, probably I would think so, but it’s much better to be overly sensitive than insensitive. I’m just saying it is possible, just possible, there’s a macho contest going on between Truly and his friend that’s also played out in the office. Men have a natural competitiveness with each other and maybe this guy had had enough of his friend’s attitude. We have no evidence of that but we DO know that this outburst/tantrum/whatever was the first of its kind that Truly ever saw from his friend. That’s kind of telling. Also, the fiancee might not have wanted to step into a ‘guy standoff’ and texted sorry just to show Truly’s girlfriend that she was acknowledging her fiance’s immature temper. I wish they’d come here and fill in the blanks!
— Tak, Columbus OH 03/02/2011 Reply
On Truly Trivial, if there was some background reason for the outburst, the friend would have apologized himself after he calmed down, rather than not speaking at work. I think the fiancee is making a real mistake if she marries this guy and someone should try to help her see how destructive such a marriage would be.
On the contractor – been there, done that, and I’ve seen it happen to many other family members and friends. It really pays to do your homework and get references. If the family friend does good work, and prices his work competitively, and if you don’t care how long it takes, then stick it out, knowing in advance what will happen. Otherwise, get someone reliable to do the job.
— nn New Jersey 03/01/2011 Reply
Dear Cat,
Iâve just read the response to Truly Trivial and feel that there is something that was missed. In the description of the incident, the friend (and coworker of Truly) was extremely angry when called on an incorrect answer while playing Trivial Pursuit. You stated that his response was peculiar. I thought that his response bordered on abusive. “Truly” found it odd that his fiancee did not try to âtalk him downâ from his anger. I suspect that her lack of response was because she had already experienced his anger and perhaps abuse and was afraid of appearing to him that she agreed with “Truly.” My suggestion to “Truly” is to gently try to understand their relationship. Remain the fiancée’s friend because she may need the friendship more than she needs a fiancé. Truly should be there to support her when she needs it most. Talk to her and ask if there is anything that she needs to talk about. Talk frankly with her about issues of verbal abuse and that verbal abuse frequently foreshadows physical abuse. This guy may be a bomb waiting to explode. Donât desert your friend.
— Carol R., Pittsburgh 03/01/2011 Reply
Cat,
Love your columns! This might be the first time I disagree with your call regarding how to deal with the slow friend handyman. My disagreement is that since it is a friend and the homeowners knew that he had a history of working slow, that they should give him more time to finish. I think if the man is a nice person, it would be more prudent to just deal with the inconvience since she and her husband practically signed up for it. I think the blame is on them. All people have faults, and this contractor friend works like a snail. But the homeowner couple deserve what they got. If they want to possibly lose a friend and possibly damage the dynamic of friendship within their family with the man, then they should fire him. I guess for some people a perfect dining room is more valuable then an imperfect friend. Steve’s Call: Don’t try to teach a lesson to a friend, when you need to learn one yourself. Bite the bullet this time, next time shoot for perfection elsewhere
— Steve, Pittsburgh USA 03/02/2011 Reply
Hey Steve,
You make an excellent point, and overall I agree with you, with one exception: the contractor friend didn’t just leave a bag of tools on the floor, or neglect to sweep up, or show up late a few times – he walked off with no notice, left their dining room torn apart, and he won’t answer their calls. That’s different than merely working at a slow pace. He’s not treating them as friends. While I agree they had ample reason to assume he’d pull this nonsense, as both friends and clients they deserve to be treated with courtesy. Your point is well taken, though. ps: glad you enjoy the column!
— Cat 03/02/2011 Reply
Cat,
Do you know if the guy angry about the Trivial Pursuit answer was inside a bubble?
PS Seinfeld reference, folks……hint: The Moops!
— JamieO 03/02/2011 Reply