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Holy Moly He Hates Those Emails & She Won't Stop Complaining About Her Body
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
DEAR CAT: Two coworkers regularly send out religious-themed emails to the office. Theyâre meant to be inspirational but I canât stress enough how much I detest these emails with every fiber of my being. Iâve never mentioned it to the coworkers because I donât want to offend them but I could just as easily say Iâm offended by the assumption that their religion would inspire me (Iâm not actually offended, Iâm annoyed beyond belief.) Can I say something without causing a holy war in the office? By the way, I have no doubt HR would frown on their email habit. — HAD IT UP TO HERE
DEAR HAD: Iâm sure youâre right about HRâs reaction, so make it your go-to solution. Youâre in the workplace and everyone should abide by the same guidelines and rules, which probably frown on proselytizing. Then again, you could approach the coworkers directly and request that they remove you from the mailing list, but that could get sticky. Spare yourself the awkwardness of looking like the office sourpuss. Or worse, having to explain that their religious motivational literature doesnât motivate you at all, that it rubs you the wrong way, that you find it presumptuous and irritating, and you canât stand the sight of it. See where this is going? Not to a good place. HR exists to solve dilemmas like this, and the coworkers will learnâ¦.Catâs Call: One personâs inspirational email is another personâs detestable spam.
DEAR CAT: My fiancée is the most beautiful woman in the world. I just wish she agreed with me, at least when it comes to her body. She does think her face and hair are pretty but she complains constantly about her weight. Iâve told her that sheâs perfect and she knows Iâm serious when I say it, but she doesnât see it that way. My problem is, she wonât do anything about it. To be honest, I wouldnât care if she gained twenty or thirty pounds but I just wish sheâd do something (diet, work out, etc.) to stop the complaining because thereâs nothing I can do! Iâve told her, âI think youâre beautiful but if youâre unhappy with the way you look, change it.â Do you have any words of wisdom for me? Or for her? — LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT
DEAR LOVE: Itâs wonderful that you adore your fiancée just as she is, but unfortunately itâs not enough to mollify her lack of self-esteem, or her need for attention and flattery. Chances are sheâs unaware how much this is affecting you (most complainers are self-centered this way) so you should talk honestly about it. That doesnât mean flipping the situation to make it all about you, it means expressing sensitivity about how much you care, i.e. âif youâre unhappy, Iâm unhappy too.â Her constant complaints are not only annoying, theyâre also unhealthy because you donât have peace of mind and her unchecked whining perpetuates her discontent. Iâm sure sheâs a lovely person but sometimes we need to ‘zip it’ just to spare others andâ¦Catâs Call: Find other productive and positive uses for our mouths.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
For “Had it Up to Here”…I would suggest just talking to your manager first who can handle this without a huge HR involvement. I’ve worked in corporate America for years in management and would much rather prefer that complaints come to me first rather than being escalated to HR without my knowing. It is then the manager’s responsibility to handle this and if they don’t, they will be held accountable for not taking action.
For “Love Her no Matter What”, my take on this is that your fiancee is crying out for help. I am guessing there is more to her pain and past than you are awae of. I agree that complaining is annoying, but would be careful here as she apparently has some kind of self esteem issue that is not going to be cleared up by being “hushed”. Even if she is a bit selfish and self centered, she obviously needs some type of reassurance or help. Losing 20-30 lbs is no easy task -even folks with the best of intentions cannot do it. You do not indicate if she really needs to lose this weight or if she is exaggerating how much she needs to lose so I can’t be sure…but I would have a talk to her about this and tell her that you are concerned. Not that you are concerned as “she won’t do anything”, but that she does not view herself in a positive way and that hurts you.
— Daniela 03/15/2011 Reply
Why is it when a woman complains about her weight it’s automatically assumed she has a big self-esteem issue? My call: I very much agree with Cat’s point about how the complaining “perpetuates her discontent.” That is very true! I’m happy to see a woman take that position! If the woman thinks her face and hair are nice then she probably doesn’t have a big lack of confidence. She hates her thighs just like the rest of us and she needs to give her fiance a break from hearing about it.
On the first question my call is: sometimes it’s better to make a small complaint to HR before going to your immediate manager because the manageer probably will feel too politically correct to say anything. If you go to HR it’s ‘anonymous’ to a degree and raises the issue to a place where it should be. Let HR deal with the manager rather than make yourself out to be a complainer. In my experience that gets you nowhere in corp. America.
— Donna -- Pgh 03/15/2011 Reply
Donna, looks like we just have different opinions :)
I just think if a woman is complaining that much about her body, she has an issue…that is all. I don’t mean to join the masses of people that you find that jump to conclusions that all women have esteem issues when they complain about their bodies.
For the HR issue, I just think it is best from my own experience as a manager in corporate America.
— Daniela 03/23/2011 Reply
So you advocate getting everyone involved in trouble for violating the corporate e-mail policy, getting them a verbal/written that will follow them around the rest of their time at that company (which may not be that long because they may be fired because of your advice)? I understand they probably already know it is against corporate policy and yet they choose to violate it, but why be a snitch on essentially a victimless crime? Just asking the people politely to remove you from such correspondence as it is against corporate policy and you don’t wish to jeopardize your career? Keep asking until they do, or just delete the e-mail. To actively play a role in the discipline and possible termination of a coworker creates a hostile job environment, which is more detrimental than these e-mails are meant to be.
— Marc 03/15/2011 Reply
i agree with you 100%, marc. she sounds like she’s not trying to start up a big controversy…that’s the main thing. she is annoyed. shoot, i get annoyed but i wouldn’t go to HR UNLESS if i had requested that they not send me that stuff and they continued to do so. in some places, HR can mediate but in some corporations, HR will fire you. so it depends on the company. i think if i forwarded something that someone did not like, i’d prefer to have someone say something to me, rather than HR. but when you do forward e-mails, people should have common sense that hey, some people might get offended. it’s just not a good idea unless it’s someone that is a very good friend and not just an acquaintance. i would say something definitely to the persons, if they don’t listen…go to the manager or HR. for the people that are saying go to HR first, hope you aren’t using a work computer to read this column and sending back your opinions.
— darisa, pittsburgh 03/15/2011 Reply
Re: religious emails sent around the office. My call is the same as Cat, go to hr and put this matter to rest. Don’t dance around the issue. Non-religious people are expected to walk on eggshells around religious people but not the other way around. I am a Catholic and I don’t impose it on anyone else. If I had coworkers who sent this kind of stuff I would be irritated and offended by it too.The office is no place for this kind of communication. Had It has every right to march straight to hr and say “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble but this is inappropriate for the workplace.” To Marc, it could it be argued that this isn’t a victimless crime because Had It is forced to play nice and keep his mouth shut just to be sensitive to the religious folks. TJ’s Call: Religion has no place outside your heart, your home and your place of worship. Why can’t religious folks accept that? Not everyone believes the same thing, deal with it.
— TJ, PGH 03/15/2011 Reply
Once again, Cat’s call is the wrong call for the emails. Once again. There’s no reason to involve HR in such a minor issue. It’s a waste of everyone’s time (sort of like reading Cat’s Call, but that’s a different topic). The person complaining about the emails needs to stop being so petty and get a life. Really, this person hates them “with every fiber” of his/her being? Really? Is this person that petty? All this person has to do is to hit delete or set up a filter to send the messages to the trash. Problem solved. It’s that easy. Life goes on. The person who is complaining about these emails needs to reattach him/her self to this planet and try to focus on things that are a little less trivial.
— RJ from Pittsburgh 03/15/2011 Reply
I had to laugh when I read your advice RJ. Your so called advice to the guy was not to waste his time going to hr while you admit to wasting your own time by reading this in the first place. You call the guy in the question petty but you anonymously insult the author of this column. What’s more petty than that? Agree with her or not she puts her name on her opinions, unlike “petty” people like yourself who offer nothing helpful. My advice on this question is to go to HR ASAP, do not pass go, do not collect $200. It’s not his responsibility to educate his coworkers on the company’s communication policies. On the second question the man should say he can’t wait to get married but he’s worried about spending a lifetime listening to the same complaint and feeling like a failure of a husband because he can’t make her feel better. Is she really loves him she won’t want him to feel that way and she’ll ‘zip it’ on this subject and complain about something else.
— Tex 03/16/2011 Reply
Hi Cat,
I enjoy and usually agree with your advice, but not in this case. Hereâs what I would say. Itâs not your job to police for HR – donât sic them on anyone. That could even get your coworkers fired. Simply ask your coworkers to take you off their distribution list (no explanation necessary) and alert them to the possibility that sending religious email could get them in trouble with HR. That way youâve assertively but kindly asked for what you need and given them a warning they might need. Save a copy of your email in case the religious piety actually masks a vindictive lack thereof.
— Michele, Pittsburgh 03/15/2011 Reply
I agree with this response. I had a family member who kept sending religious Emails ad nauseum. I finally asked her not to send them to me because I did not have time to read them all and as a consequence I did not read her Email when she sent out important family news. If I get something that has a whole page of forwarded addresses, I usually delete it without reading it anyway.
The person who is offended could just ask them to only send work-related Emails. Whether it is about religion or some other non-work topic really doesn’t matter.
— PB from NY 03/16/2011 Reply
My call: I agree with Cat on the email question. If “Had It” went to his manager it might get around that he and he alone is bothered by the emails and that puts strain on him when he’s done nothing wrong. People here are saying he should just delete them but why should he have to waste two seconds of his time to do that? Besides HR would never fire those coworkers unless there was a stream of complaints and history of the them ignoring them. All HR will do is send out a companywide memo saying emails of that nature are prohibited and nobody will be the wiser. I would never send out those cheesy inspirational things and it shouldn’t be allowed. Religion is fine but those folks have no hesitation pushing their beliefs on their entire office but Had It isn’t allowed to put a stop to it? That’s crazy. Cat’s call was right on.
— Sam, Seattle WA 03/16/2011 Reply
I’ve had similar reactions to emails like HAD IT UP TO HERE regarding emails of an overly religious or viciously political nature. In the office, a way to protest without making a huge issue out of it would be to forward the email back to the sender saying “I really enjoy the occasional funny and/or clever emails you send – they provide a brief respite from work and give me a good chuckle – but I am quite uncomfortable with emails of a religious or political nature. Thanks.” That should take care of it. It worked for me.
— Cathie, Pittsburgh, PA 03/16/2011 Reply