Columns
Boyfriend Can't (or Won't) Get It Up & Should They Pay For Guests To Stay?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
DEAR CAT: Iâve been seeing my boyfriend for about a year. Everything is really good except in one areaâ¦he canât always perform. Or more specifically he âwonâtâ perform. This started happening (or not happening!) suddenly a month ago and at this we havenât had sex in the past month! Iâm talking about someone who loves sex yet he doesnât seem bothered by this. Now Iâm always the one who has to try and âget things goingâ and he just says heâs not in the mood. Is this normal? My friends say itâs common for sex to stop once you get into a relationship. He says itâs never happened to him before sleeping with me, which makes me feel worse, though he says Iâm not doing anything wrong. Alcohol is not the culprit, in case you were wondering that. Iâm worried heâs sleeping with someone else. Your call?
â FROM RAIN TO DROUGHT
DEAR RAIN: Youâre right, itâs not normal for a healthy man who loves sex to suddenly stop wanting it. Sex is often a barometer for the health of a relationship and for a young, active couple to go completely withoutâ¦thatâs suspicious. Most worrisome to me is that heâs making you feel like itâs your fault. You two really need to talk about this, not because sex is the most important thing in the world but because this problem is affecting your trust (once you lose that, the sex will never be great again). If heâs cheating would he admit it? Doubtful. But he needs to know how you feel and you need to know whatâs driving this drought. Iâm worried about your situation butâ¦.Catâs Call: Iâm also worried about your friends if they think sex stops once a relationship starts.
DEAR CAT: My siblings and I are planning a surprise 80th birthday party for our mother. We have a few out-of-town guest that will be coming. Is it our responsibility to pay for their hotel stay? I say no, because it is their choice to attend. My sister says yes. Can you please let me know the proper way to handle this? — BIRTHDAY BASHERS
DEAR B.B.: Before I take your side I want to applaud you and your sister for planning the party – itâs a really fun and lovely idea that surely will be a hit no matter what you decide on this question. On that note, it is completely, totally and in all other ways not your responsibility to foot the hotel bill for out-of-town birthday party guests. Offering to help with the cost is a nice gesture but itâs unnecessary and no guest would expect you to do so. Instead you might want to seek out hotels deals nearby because thatâs a bit of legwork a guest would appreciate. Tell your sister not to worry and just use this time to plan the best party in the world andâ¦.Catâs Call: Leave the travel stress to the guests.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Sex doesn’t stop when a relationship starts. The relationship stops after the sex starts.
— John in Pittsburgh 03/16/2010 Reply
Katie’s Calls: When you’re invited to a party YOU figure out how to get there, big deal….letting a host pay for your hotel is low class. On the no-sex boyfriend: I’m sorry but he’s probably sleeping with someone else. Guys don’t stop wanting to have sex for no reason. He’s an a**hole for saying you’re the first girl this has happened with because that will make you feel unattractive, and won’t even talk to help fix the situation. Sex is part of a relationship-if he won’t have it with you, find someone who will.
— Katie, Pittsburgh 03/16/2010 Reply
Just a thought regarding âFrom Rain to Drought,â perhaps Rainâs boyfriend is suffering from some kind of undetected mental health issue. Stress (possibly at work or from some other area of his life) or, more severely, depression can also cause âperformanceâ problems. Rain should have a conversation with her boyfriend about what is going on in other areas of his life just to rule it out.
— Kristen 03/16/2010 Reply
You are obviously not married!
— John 03/16/2010 Reply
If a guy stops wanting sex with you it’s a bad sign. Not trying to be mean or get you paranoid but any man who reads this knows: he’s getting it somewhere else. My advice: Stop trying to ‘get things going’ it’ll make you feel worse. Cut off the sex supply ASAP. If he doesn’t care, you have your answer. Sorry.
— James in Pgh PA 03/16/2010 Reply
Jeez. He needs to see a doctor. there are any number of things that can cause a man to lose not just the physical ability to perform, but also the emotional desire to have sex; depression, medication, diabetes, etc. Just yesterday there was an article linking erectile dysfunction to heart disease and stroke! We simply don’t know enough about these people to say it’s a relationship issue and not an actual medical problem. You come across as pretty savvy; my guess is that you have more information, and this question has been edited for the column. Regardless, once the advice is published, it becomes everyone’s advice, not just these peoples’.
— Tom B. 03/16/2010 Reply
Tom your point is well taken and sensible but from what we can tell the guy stopped wanting sex pretty suddenly. If he was depressed “Rain” would have mentioned it because women will find any excuse other than the obvious to explain their own guys lack of sex drive (if it’s another woman’s guy we know “he’s getting it somewhere else”). Cat wrote it’s not normal for a “healthy” guy to stop wanting sex so she pretty much addressed your point there. In other words, a depressed person is not healthy. this is also a young couple which paints a clear picture. I agree with James in Pgh advice…If she cuts off the love supply and her boyfriend doesn’t care she should move on. Sex is too important!
— Cynthia (Newark NJ) 03/16/2010 Reply
Re: the mother’s birthday party……I don’t want to sound “ageist” about this…but I think I might recommend against “surprises” for people of a certain level of experience on this earth…
— Mark, McDonald PA 03/16/2010 Reply
I can tell you that other than honest to goodness ED (a condition actually rarer than medical companies would want us to believe) and closet homosexuality, the only thing that really ever keeps a man from suddenly not wanting sex, is the simple fact that he’s no longer sexually attracted to someone. That’s the simple truth and what helps products like Viagra become as common as mini vans in a lot of marriages. It’s amazing how quickly guys with so-called ED problems are magically cured with a trip to a strip club, or a sight of the attractive 18-year old sunbathing across the street. It’s sad but true and all those commercials that show an attractive, sexually fit woman with a husband who suddenly for some reason can’t get it up anymore is 95% of the time not really what’s going on. The woman who wrote you curious as to why her boyfriend was suddenly not interested anymore could have helped answer her own question by sending a picture. It’s not rude, it’s just the human facts and the reason she’s not getting any anymore, is probably the same reason I’m not dating models. Well, that and money. :)
— Steve 03/16/2010 Reply
As for the Birthday Basher’s guests, I think Cat’s advice is right on point. As for Rain to Drought, this poor girl sounds somewhat nymph-ish (a month without sex – poor poor girl!). Maybe her man has an STD and he’s waiting for it to clear up. Okay, that’s pretty crude and I apologize. I just don’t think it’s a huge problem; it will either get better and they’ll be happy, or it won’t and they’ll break up.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 03/16/2010 Reply
Rain should definitely ask her man if he is feeling depressed. Clinical depression can come suddenly and weaken your sex drive without changing your outward appearance. I have suffered from depression for most of my life and none of my freinds or lovers have been the wiser though I still suffered many of the physical symptoms. It may be that he is embarassed about his feelings or is seeking treatment and does not want to tell anyone. Many of the common medications for depression also only increase the sexual side effects so if he is depressed you might be in for a long drought.
— been there, Pittsburgh PA 03/16/2010 Reply
You are nice. I would not be able to read a letter from someone complaining of a sexless relationship without asking if they got fat.
— Jason (Pittsburgh) 03/16/2010 Reply
Cynthia, I noticed that and agree with you, but my real point is that when the advice is broadcast, it becomes not just that couple’s advice, but everyone’s advice who is having the same symptom. People don’t always read between the lines. It might be a relationship issue, it might be a medical issue. We only have partial information.
— Tom B 03/16/2010 Reply
Wow Jason, your thoughtfulness and depth of perception are awe inspiring. I assume this happened to you once – you grew really fat and the sex was cut off – poor man – so you are projecting onto the writer. So sad. But I’m sure you worked hard and lost the pounds so you could once again join those who “deserve” sex. Good luck with the ladies, I’m sure they see you coming and just drool, after all, you are a sensitive, modern man willing to look beyond a few pounds of flesh – right??? Oh, and I’m sure you (now) look like Brad Pitt, are a Noble Prize winning genius, have some $$$, and are a tiger in bed – rowl !! Who could resist If, on the other hand, you are saying that a woman who gains weight should not receive sex…well, spot on old boy! We all know that larger breasts and some flesh on the bum is a TOTAL turn off. And it is the woman’s fault after all…right? Bring on the heroin waifs with their stick bodies. But does the reverse logic apply..if you date a woman with curves and she grows really thin, is the sex cut off then too? Given your logic, it must be so!
(sarcasm applied liberally for those who are too literal)
P.S. Jason you need some therapy and dating/relationship guidance. On the other hand, the world may be a better place if you remain single, celibate and do not reproduce.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 03/16/2010 Reply
Regarding “Rain”….Great letter! A real Rorschach for everyone to project their own relationship issues. I read it and figured her boyfriend lost interest in sex with her because he feels detached from her. Not necessarily because he’s seeing someone else, but because he doesn’t like (or trust) her enough to continue being intimate. That’s why he slipped in the detail that it’s only happened with her.
My guess would be that he thinks she’s controlling, and this is his way of showing his power. Not a good sign. The fact that they’re not able to discuss it honestly may be their biggest problem.
— Mark, Freeport 03/16/2010 Reply
wow. It utterly amazes me the way people still think now days. I’d have thought that more poeple would care what was on the inside than your pant size and/or bra size. Guess not. Any way “Rain”, if you trust your boyfriend then I wouldnt worry. Talk to him. Depression, anxiety, stress etc..do interfer with a person’s sex drive. My boyfriend has all 3 and is on medication for it. They keep messing with the doses and it fluxuates his drive. But just because we dont have sex for a month or so doesnt mean i think hes cheating. If your worried talk to him. After all no matter what people say you will never know unless you ask!
— Dani M. Crafton 03/17/2010 Reply
Karen your rant on Jason was completely unnecessary and perhaps it is you that needs the therapy after blowing up over a little comment like that. He brings up a valid point that attraction (AND APPEARANCES) do change over time. Perhaps the spark has faded? Maybe Rain could try to ignite thar flame again or it might already be extinguished. No matter the case it is best to talk it over and if it is gone.. well then it is time to move on.
— Michael (Brad Pitt) - Pittsburgh 03/18/2010 Reply
Why does everyone mention Brad Pitt? He is not hot.
— Susan, SF CA 03/18/2010 Reply
Seriously? A whole MONTH and it MUST be cheating? It really bothers me that your answer is 100% “he must be cheating” IMMEDIATELY without any regard or follow up to examine.
How about this:
1) They had a ton of sex when the relationship started, and now it’s slowing down. See: Marriage.
2) Stress and anxiety can put a huge damper on the mood. Please don’t pretend that women don’t do this too, ALL THE TIME.
3) Maybe he had a sexual scare of some sort. Maybe a distant relative or friend knocked up his girlfriend, and suddenly he’s more conscious of the risks.
4) A month? Seriously? It takes one nasty cold, a week of menstruation, and a shitty project at work to extend a sexless day to a sexless month.
5) It doesn’t take much to freak someone out. Maybe an inopportune statement along the lines of “Put a baby inside me!” at the height of passion is a pretty good way to stop the sex for a while. (I’m only being slightly facetious about this.)
And I don’t necessarily feel like he’s making it out to be her fault, especially if he specifically points out that she’s not doing anything wrong. Maybe this is the first relationship that he is comfortable with, and is feeling guilty or nervous about the sex-to-relationship ratio. Maybe he wants to know if the relationship can grow without the sex. Both of these things are extraordinarily good things.
But: HE’S CHEATING ALL MEN CHEAT I HATE MEN. There’s your answer.
— Tablet K, Pittsburgh 03/19/2010 Reply
It’s funny how people read what they want to see (the comments from “Tablet K” are a prime example). I have published things before and it’s always funny how ‘off’ people are in their understanding of an author’s point. TabletK’s comments have me laughing….the sex in the relationship didn’t “slow down,” the writer said it stopped “suddenly.” You say ‘that’s marriage’ but this is young boyfriend and girlfriend. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO READ?
Cat does not take a man-hater attitude at all nor did she take your typical woman’s-denial stance. Name one example when a highly sexed man stops wanting sex with his girlfriend overnight, when it’s not because of cheating? You suggest the boyfriend might want to know if the relationship can grow without the sex?? ROFL!! Why would a period stop sex for a month? What planet are you on? Cat told the girl to talk to her boyfriend —- that’s exactly what she should do! I’m married to the man of my dreams and our sex never slowed down. Of course that happens sometimes in marriage but I can tell you if it stopped suddenly, I’d ask my husband about it ASAP, if he wouldn’t give an answer, I’d fear cheating. That’s what women SHOULD ASSUME, not make excuses.
— Caroline, Cleveland 03/19/2010 Reply
Cat fight! (pun unintended) Meee to the owww.
— John 03/19/2010 Reply
Guys make it happen. “He is not that into you.” You have entered the comfortable zone. Time to call it quits. This relationship is not going to last long term.
— jay - pittsburgh, pa 03/23/2010 Reply