Columns
Should They Try Again After Five Years Apart? And...The Right Time To Find Your Dream Job
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
DEAR CAT: When I was 19 I got engaged to a man whom I thought could do no wrong. He was the love of my life and nobody could tell me any different. By age 22 he decided we were too young to get married and he called off our engagement the same month I graduated college. For five years there has been a âRoss & Rachelâ vibe between us that runs very hot or very cold. At one recent point we hadn’t spoken for over a year, then we saw each other at a birthday party and over the course of two beers I completely forgot about every man I’ve dated since him. Weâve talked for hours every day since that party. Do you think the five years we were apart let us grow up, or is it a waste to try again? — IF AT FIRST YOU DONâT SUCCEEDâ¦
DEAR IF: The old saying âtiming is everythingâ is an old saying for a reason. Sometimes people meet and fall in love during difficult times and the tough circumstances bring them closer. Other times people connect when there are no obstacles in sight but the relationship canât weather rough seas. In your case you attempted a level of seriousness you werenât ready for – the very fact that you felt he could do no wrong indicates a lack of maturity. So is timing really the key or does true compatibility determine a relationshipâs success? I tend to believe in both. Five years post-college is a healthy amount of time to grow up and learn what you want. And here you are, still wanting him. Youâre obviously still in love with him, and if the feeling is mutual, itâs not a waste of time. Catâs Call: Better to try than spend your life wondering what might have been.
DEAR CAT: Iâve been at my company for three years but Iâve wanted to leave since the first year. Since everyone always talks about the tough economy and bad job market Iâve avoided seriously contemplating making a change. But I really want to do something else and Iâm afraid if I leave the security of this job I could be risking everything. I wish there was a crystal ball that would tell me, âitâs time to move on.â I guess my question is, how do you know when itâs the right time to leave a job? — HOW CAN I KNOW?
DEAR HOW: Since youâve been unhappy for a couple years, the right time to explore your options, cruise job sites, and put feelers out there is now. No matter what dream job you have in mind, if thereâs a way to get a foot in the door by moonlighting, freelancing, or working part-time, by all means do so. But do so quietly, remembering the commonsense rule of not quitting your job until youâve secured another one. This is especially true if leaving your job means possibly risking everything. By the way, you already have a crystal ball. Catâs Call: Itâs called ‘gut instinct.’
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
27 is still young, young, young these days…even for a woman. Men, of which I am one, sometimes never grow up. But the point is that this Ross-Rachel, on and off, hot-cold, engaged-not engaged, no talk for a year—five hour convos relationship will eventually break her heart again. Could be next month or three years from now, but she is in the rapids again and is heading for the rocks. It’s a story that has repeated since time immemorial: the moth to the flame. Unfortunately, in the end, the moth dies.
— Jim Moon Twp. 03/22/2011 Reply
You’re right, I’ve experienced that too. Hasn’t every woman?? The exception is when a couple gets back together and SHE finds it isn’t as exciting as before. I’ve experienced that too. But not every woman has. My call is I agree with Cat in so far as why not try again? These are single people who have feelings for each other, in this age of people have ‘digital’ friends it seems like it would be a waste to not even give the real thing a shot.
— Sharon, Pittsburgh 03/22/2011 Reply
Wow! Cynical much? I can only imagine the relationship train wrecks you must have weathered to have such a doomsday opinion.
I would have come at it from the opposite direction – there must have been some reason that neither of them have permanently hooked up with someone else over the last five years.
For what it’s worth – I think Cat was spot on – She’ll spend the rest of her life wondering “what if” unless she goes with what’s in her heart.
— Ben, VA 03/22/2011 Reply
Dear Ben, No train-wreck relationships in my past. My wife and I still have a wonderful 30-year relationship. Realism is not cynicism. Objectivity is not being overly negative. Objective is objective. This (in so many ways) girl still has here head in the clouds. She was engaged for three years to a man who in her eyes “could do no wrong.” You’re a guy. How many days in a row could you go at age, say 19-25, and do no wrong? Then, she says, this guy dumps her (he called off the engagement because he says “they were too young.” Probable translation: I don’t really want to marry you, and this sounds like such a good excuse.). Then they do a cute back and forth over five years, including a year with no contact at all. And THEN, over two beers, she “forgets about every man I ever dated since.” Head in the clouds. Like she said before, “He was the love of my life, and nobody could tell me any different.” (About his “wonderfulness,” implying that people DID try to point out this guy’s faults, and she wouldn’t listen.) I’m guessing he was her first love…and that is powerful, powerful, long-tentacled stuff. But I work in a profession where I’ve heard stories like this a lot. She’s still hoping The Prince comes in and carries her off. Nothing inherently wrong in that…albeit pretty unrealistic. But this guy has shown himself to be unprincelike for upwards of eight years. The thing that people my age have that the 20-somethings cannot POSSIBLY have is…perspective. Not their fault. Haven’t lived long enough. I would love to be wrong…for her sake…I have a 20-something daughter as well. But this is like a movie or book which you know ends in heartache. The characters don’t know as they’re going through the story, but we know. So…regardless of all the plot twists, and interesting and lovely sequences, in the end it doesn’t work. Reminds me of The Way We Were. Great movie. Bitttersweet ending.
— Jim Moon Twp. 03/22/2011 Reply
You’re saying they shouldn’t even talk at all? You can’t get that perspective without life experience, for them this is life experience. I think it’s most interesting that you say he’s the flame and she’s the moth. It could end in pain for her but it might not. I think it shows maturity that he called off the engagement because they were too young. This is the story for lots of young couples. To say she should never give him another chance again because five years ago he ended their relationship doesn’t really make sense. I get your point, definitely. But then you’d have these two people who are dying to talk to each other not talking for no good reason. I say go for it!
— LoveGirl in PA 03/22/2011 Reply
Wow again! (I rarely have a two “Wow “ day – thanks for that)
First of all – when someone says someone else “can do no wrong” – that’s what is referred to as a figure of speech, meaning they hold that person in very high regard. Your literal interpretation of that old cliché astonishes me, quite frankly.
Secondly – As you noted, who in the 19-25 year age bracket doesn’t make relationship mistakes, most often as repeat offenders? It’s a learning curve all aimed at achieving maturity at some point. You mention being married for 30+ years, so I assume that you’re somewhere in your 50’s – do you forget what it was like to be in your 20’s? I think it’s remarkable that, if their breakup was indeed a mistake, they have an opportunity to correct it five years later.
Finally, I think you read this story with some serious pre-positioning on the issues. To me, the most sensible part of this story was his decision to call off the wedding between a couple in their early 20’s. I don’t believe anyone should marry that young – they have their whole lives ahead of them – what’s the rush? As LoveGirl said â if anything it showed maturity on his part. Your undertones seem to suggest that the boyfriend is a sociopathic womanizer. I didnât get any of that. Unprincelike? Really? I have no idea what basis you have for your comments. Itâs like you read the story, and filled in the blanks as you saw fit.
As for your 20-something daughter – for God’s sake – if she needs relationship advice, tell her to talk to her mother…..
— Ben, VA 03/22/2011 Reply
People do that all the time, they read a story and fill in the blanks when there are no blanks. You’re right that’s what Jim did. It’s not unusual in any way to have an on-off relationship. It can be a good thing that keeps things from getting too serious. I agree Jim makes it out like the guy is bad but there is no reason to think that. Besides they’re talking every day now. This could be a nice love story in the making. If not, oh well! As Cat said, better to know than wonder!
— Kara, Pgh 03/22/2011 Reply
RE: HOW CAN I KNOW?
Don’t limit yourself. If you’ve saved money, give your employer plenty of notice, and move on. Good skill!
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 03/22/2011 Reply
They were too young, period, that’s no reason not to give it another chance. When my wife and I dated I had to be very dedicated to my work and try to make my way up. We stopped seeing each other for a while because I did not have enough time to split between her and my career. I’m sure that hurt her but I bet it hurt me more. When I worked all that out we gave it another go. That was ten years ago. If I hadn’t focused on my career I wouldn’t be the secure man, husband, and father I am today (I do not mean only financially). Good luck to this young couple.
— Danny, NC 03/22/2011 Reply
Regardless of what happened the first time around, if both people are interested over five years later, there may be opportunity for something great. If that’s the case and they never try, they will have missed out on something wonderful. If they try and nothing materializes, at least they gave it a shot. The key here is to be mature, remember what went wrong the first time, and try to not repeat the mistakes. If they can both be mature and have learned from their prior experience, then good for them and best wishes for finding some happiness in life!
— Deanna, Johnstown, PA 03/23/2011 Reply